Shelby,

You’re so right! If I did any of that to him he’d be like which part of ‘I need space’ do you not get?! Yet him doing these things is considered sweet.. I’m glad that I sat out and remained quiet, unemotional non-sympathetic towards him and just let him say his piece. I didn’t want to disrupt as anything I say may give him an indication of what I may want to hear, so I just let him talk and didn’t respond much. The meeting could’ve lasted a lot longer but I cut it short advising that I need to return to work (I didn’t) but it was the perfect excuse to get out of the situation while he basically had verbal diarrhoea about how much he has realised and how deeply apologetic he is! Oh and that he has his first counselling appointment yesterday and that it went well! I am not taking any of what he said as true or relying on it. Actions is what I need. It’s funny though, I think my coldness and distance was very evident to him because at the end he said ‘You seem like you are absolutely torn into two. Are you seeing someone at the moment? I want you to be honest, do you have something better in sight?’ I simply responded with ‘Yes, I have a happy, stress-free, fulfilled life lined up, by myself, for myself’ and that is sort of how we ended the conversation. I am bloody proud of myself! I think I did so well in that interaction! Even though I may not feel it completely or even think it I believe I came across as a strong, level-headed woman who knows her worth! Success!

Ah are the feelings creeping back in? Don’t worry, it is all part of this stupid up and down process! Maybe the feelings were actually there all along but your withdrawal/shut-down is wearing of a little so you can feel a little glimmer.. It is good that you have the weekend planned in advance because at least you won’t have much time to sit and dwell and hopefully with that the need to contact will subside!

Ah I didn’t even think of Valentines day! Honestly I think with the date fast approaching etc it didn’t even cross my mind. I used to always make such a big fuss about it, my ex never saw the hype around it but always made sure he made it extra special for me. MEH!!! I think I might just switch my phone off for the day so that I don’t have to witness all of the public displays of affection all over social media! It’s okay, I’ll send you a virtual valentines day card! 🙂

I do think it’s difficult to fight the urges when it is our human nature to behave/feel a certain way. For example, I have always been the kind of person to give endless chances, I’ve seen this across my professional life when I was unhappy at work, throughout friendships which ended up abusing my well-being or boundaries, not just relationships. I am WAY TOO Ultimately it took not only a build up of events but also one major event to take place for me to walk away thinking enough is enough. I wonder if that just has not happened with him yet and that is why I’m yearning to reach out, either that or there is just a lot more to loose this time around as love is involved.

Who knows! Nonetheless, you’ve got the right attitude about the weekend! Absolutely go and enjoy yourself, relax, unwind and enjoy your moments with your sister before baby comes along 🙂

Shelby,

Yes maybe I need to accept that this is where I am at and for the time being I can’t change that. I can only try to be better each and every day, which I have been doing. Hopefully with that Martha can stop kicking my ass!

You’re right, anything before Summer 2018 no longer exists and that isn’t just regarding our relationship. The woman I was, as I knew her no longer exists. My life prior to that no longer exists. Everything has changed! I suppose it is our human nature to miss the good times in life especially when times are pretty rubbish at the moment but I have to accept that it is no longer that and I cant do anything about it. I’m struggling with accepting that though.

This morning has been sooooooo difficult. I want to reach out to him so badly. I want to meet with him and hear what he has to say. WHY?!!!!! What could he possibly say that will change anything right now?! God, I feel like I will never get over this. Honestly, it feel’s like i’ll never get away, that i’ll never be okay, i’ll always miss him, i’ll always love him and i’ll never move on. The thing is, I can actually feel physical pain in my chest, my anxiety is once again at an all time high!

Shelby,

What I would do to be where you are right now! So strong willed! The need for contact on my end is still quite strong and creeps up on me many times in a day however I’m grateful that I am able to rationally explain to myself that it simply will not make a difference right now.

I think more than anything I am just sad. Really really sad. My therapist actually asked me to represent my current relationships through some images of couples and it was interesting to see I picked all the photos that portrayed distance, dishonesty and betrayal. The truth I guess.

Some of my bits for the 1st of Feb have arrived this afternoon, I am pleased with them and feel at comfort that I am somewhat prepared or doing my best to make the memory as special as it possibly can be.

Other than that it’s just utter sadness..

The only hope I have is remembering you being at this stage only a few weeks ago! Where everyday you spoke of how sad you were and nothing at all was shifting it… and look at you now!

Madxx and Nextsteps,

Sorry I don’t have much to say in regards to the moving in situation except to follow your gut feeling/intuition, it is literally our most valued mechanism and us humans based their survival on this thousands of years ago, we need to learn to trust it more in the here and now!

I just wanted to pop my head in as the mother-son co-dependency is so so relevant to me with my ex boyfriend! Gosh, I honestly didn’t think it happened this much! Despite being together many years and me wanting for our relationship to progress my ex was very much one to try and stay at his family home as long as possible. His mother and father are extremely dependant on him financially, may I add that she refuses to work, there is nothing wrong with her, she say’s she has to ‘look after the house and the kids’, her youngest is 21… Please tell me what kids?! His father already works 6/7 days a week so there is nothing he can physically do to bring in more money. But that isn’t all, his mother depends on him for everything, trips to the doctors, taking her to and from bingo because how dare she use public transport, shopping trips. If he ever makes plans of his own she will make him feel guilty as there is no shopping done for the house, or she needed him to drop her somewhere etc. He is so stuck in this cycle of co-dependency and manipulation but he refuses to walk away from it.

I understand your situation may be slightly different as his father has sadly passed away so it is somewhat understandable that his mother has become reliant on him, however I can tell you first hand that whatever plans it is you two spoke of before this event, they’re not happening. Not now, not anytime soon and maybe not ever.. He has been quite clear about this too so you have to take his word and accept this as true.

Whether that is enough to leave your 6 year relationship to pursue your dreams? I think it is something only you will be able to answer. But just know that his mother’s dependency will not end here, it is likely that it will continue well into your future together, as unfortunate as it is!

Shelby,

It’s crazy how our minds fool us to believe something! My sister has been a vegan for the past 5 or so years and sometimes when she cooks for us I honestly think the food is delicious, but I wouldn’t actively go out of my way to cook myself a vegan meal! In fact, she’s been using those Quorn ‘chicken pieces’ in some of her meals and recently told me my mum had cooked, I assumed it was actual chicken and couldn’t tell the difference! It’s crazy!

You mentioned last week that you were feeling a bit distant, almost like you are an outsider to your situation standing there patiently watching but without any real feelings/emotion tied into it. Now you mention the feelings of nothing. I do believe this is just another stage of the process. I do believe that you have to an extent accepted your predicament, sometimes it’s hard to accept that you are now in acceptance with it so it is easier to say ‘i’m waiting on him’, or maybe you are, who knows? All that is evident is that you have made such amazing progress when just a few weeks ago you thought you wouldn’t! You give me such hope! Honestly, you give me hope that if I just continue this no contact, despite how i May feel right now the natural process that everyone told us about initially will just happen anyway and before you know it I’ll be at ‘nothing’ and accepting where I am.

The thing about the contact that he has made is that it is absolutely pointless. Not at one point did he say ‘Hey, just wondering if we could meet to speak? I think it’s really important that we do’ instead he has gone from complete desperation mode with the I miss you, to acts of kindness by sending flowers to my house, then sending me updates about failing his assessments for work (trying to remain some kind of normality) to being super organised about the weekend, to asking me out for a meal – as if that is in any way appropriate right now! He has not changed one bit. I think any normal human being whether in desperation mode or not would understand that the inevitable thing here is a completely honest, heartfelt, putting it out there kind of conversation. But not my ex no, he thinks he can fill my belly with good food and all will be well.

But I’ve always been the kind of person to either say things as they are outright or to throw in little suggestions here and there to try and lead people in the right direction of how i’d like to be treated and this time I refuse to do so, so for that reason I won’t text him back. He has been with me long enough and knows me waaaaay to well to know exactly what to do. This is on him. He needs to come to his own conclusions so i’m leaving him to it!

Shelby,

You are indeed doing very well and although I am further in my journey than you (7 months) I feel miles behind because of the uncertainty, confusion and the up and down of it all! I suppose that’s all down to us ‘trying’ time and time again since the split so it’s like starting over every time. Both you and your ex have been quite good at no contact from the start though, although you had intense feelings of needing to contact him you managed to hold out most of the time which is incredible and I believe has made this easier for you in the long run. Definitely something that both me and my ex have a difficulty with, evidently..

He probably doesn’t know what to say because he knows that there isn’t much to say to make any of what is happening remotely okay. I am really evaluating every aspect of the relationship now and he knows that it is not just about forgiveness or moving forward anymore. He knows that I am analysing and essentially breaking apart everything that wasn’t working in the relationship to begin with and it is making me realise that the only reason I am holding on is because I love him, nothing else. He probably cant do the same because he isn’t the one who sacrificed three years of his life holding on to a relationship that ultimately wasn’t fulfilling his needs, I was. This scares him. He knows that if he could say/do anything to draw me back to him it would have to be everything that was missing; i.e building trust again, prioritising me and only me, seriously progressing in the relationship etc.

Some of my bits for the 1st of Feb should be arriving this week. I feel a slight ease knowing that our accommodation is booked and I am well prepared for the day weeks ahead meaning I do not have to worry about the small details. Although I am wondering now if it is a good idea to go with him as I concerned about the progress I’ve made so far.. However a lot can change until then so we’ll see closer to the time!

Haha I love that game! The most interesting thing in my life right now? I’ve decided to go home and make my famous lasagne this evening. I am beyond excited. How very sad? I still haven’t managed to workout this week despite my best efforts to convince myself that I need to I just can’t bring myself to it. I think I am tired, tired of functioning at the moment and just like you want to continue doing the bare minimum for now so I’m not going to force it for now. Next week though, back to it! No more moping about.

Shelby,

Woah when you say it like that, it’s been 7 months since we originally split! :O I am in shock… I am sitting here thinking we are only at the beginning of the journey (probably because of all the times we tried to reconcile). Shocking! I have spent the last 7 months of my life absolutely sulking, hurting and going in no particular direction. That’s very very sad.

The thing that really annoyed me about the message he sent to my friend is 1.) Who do you think you are texting my friends our personal business? Although yes she knows but still! You shouldn’t bother others with your business! And 2.) he wrote her a long, heartfelt message about how much he misses me, how he knows he hurt me deeply and needs advice on how to proceed as he can’t seem to get through to me.. But he hasn’t once initiated such meaningful/ heartfelt communication with me? Yes he has text me, he has reached out but not at one point has he wrote to me a heartfelt long message, or even requested that we meet to talk so he can tell me all those things in person? So that’s really annoying.

I remember you mentioned that you wanted to leave your job last year. Any further thoughts on that? Have you had a look around to see what you might potentially be able to get into? It is important to look for a placement which opens up your opportunities to become more independent, living away from home, funding the travelling that you want to do eventually etc!

Victoria – Hey! I wouldn’t worry too much about trying to catch up with the conversation, SOOOO much has happened since you’ve been away! I think in a nutshell, Shelby is doing fantastic (though she may not see this yet ;)) and I am down in the gutter having walked away from my ex AGAIN! I found a quote yesterday that said ‘There is two types of tired, one where you require sleep and the other when you require peace’ and I really felt that. To keep you updated, I am on day 7 of absolutely no contact whatsoever with my ex and I am doing better than I thought – I say this with my full rational mind in play. Best to check on this again in the next couple of hours haha!

Thank you for providing some insight into how you’ve been dealing with anxiety. I have definitely done a load of reading into it too as yesterday was terrible! Thankfully, I am feeling better today, no heart palpitations, success!

Try not to worry too much about your ex, your living situation etc! Everything WILL fall into place. You really just have to make a conscious choice to change your life for the better. Whether it is taking up the placement you recently mentioned, moving away from him or your mother who you have mentioned before, you really have to do what’s best for your mental health right now. You sound a lot like me in the way that you are tired now. Exhausted from all of the up and down. This isn’t happy. This isn’t what happy is supposed to look like! I am counting down to the days when were all back here telling one another about how wonderful and blissfully happy our lives have become!

How are you ladies doing today?