Shelby,

I’m supposed to be going out for drinks with a friend tonight but I may have to pass up on that. The lack of appetite and sleep is definitely taking it’s toll on me now.. Actually a friend at work even asked if I was alright as I look extremely pale and generally unwell.. I think my body’s really just exhausted now.

I’ve gone to get myself an energy drink to keep me going at work and will try to do a little more than just avoiding my screensaver from showing up with the lack of any work actually being done.

As soon as I get home I am going to sleep! And I might even try the insight app.

Michelle & Shelby,

Thankfully I didn’t follow through on my feelings last night and remained no contact.

He actually reached out again this morning asking if he could call as he is about to enter his week long assessment. He has always been so career focused and this is the last and biggest assessment he’s going to have to face throughout his career. With everything that’s going on he mentioned last week he is unable to focus and feel’s he will fail anyway and therefore he is considering delaying the assessment but I guess he went for it in the end. I can understand this is super important for him but he needs to do it on his own – so no contact remains.

I can understand why his attempts at contact come across as trying to meet his needs. Also I agree, he is probably in panic mode right now, this is the first time ever where I remained no contact despite his efforts, this is where I fell down many times before! As soon as he reached out it was inevitable that I got back to him and this time it’s not happening so it is only natural he feels panicked but I am simply not ready for a conversation with him right now.

Shelby perhaps this is your bodies way of saying ‘Hey! You’ve been dealing with a lot, let’s rest a little more, let’s look after ourselves a little’. Accept that and take it day by day. It’s all going to fall into place!

Hasn’t reflected under topics*

Shelby,

It’s okay to not understand what’s going on entirely. One minute your head and heart yearn from him and the next you’re not accepting that it’s over and that is all a part of this process. It is okay if you journal on here in the next hour in crippling pain again. But remember when right at the beginning of our communication people told us those moments soon enough will be far and few and less and less? Can you see this is finally becoming relative to yourself?! That is great news!

Also, the fact that you can acknowledge that you relying on solely your ex for happiness is not the way to continue going forward is great too. You’re finally starting to do that ‘inner self’ work that everyone kept talking about and we never even knew how to approach it. Perhaps all those people who got through it were right… maybe it does just simply get better with time and that’s okay!

Try not to think as far ahead as future, him not being a part of your future, because I find for myself personally that that’s when things get scary, overwhelming and just too much for me to handle. And I want to run back to him as fast as I can, to my comfort, to the idea of a future. I am trying my best now to live in the here and now, one day at a time, baby steps. And here I am doing just that, still haven’t contacted him and if I’m honest, today I didn’t even have to use my willpower to do that, it kind of just flew by.. maybe because I was really busy who knows?!

I just got in from my therapy session which went well and not as emotional today. When I returned home I had a delivery of flowers and chocolates with a note saying Dear K, I hope you feel better soon, Love xx…

I don’t even feel anything if i’m honest. I’m not happy, i’m not sad, I’m not even thinking about receiving them, just blank. I’ve put the flowers back in their delivery box and that’s as far as it goes right now.

I’ve got some work to do from home today so will focus on that for the next hour or so and then workout, bath and a good Netflix session and another day has flown by with no communication! Yippeeee!

Grounded – Welcome to the forum hun! I know all too well what it feels like to be a choice, I felt that too only last week when things started coming to light whilst me and my ex were split up. Although I wasn’t a choice to him per say because he dropped everything to get back with me, it still hurts the same way. I would suggest that you do not wait for his response and realise that no message is also a message. You shouldn’t have been a choice in the first place. If his mind was made up to get back in touch with yourself, to see if there is still anything there, he could’ve at least given you two a fair shot and been focused on you and what it is you could’ve potentially had, not entertaining random conversations and giving hopes to strange girls on dating apps! I know how the betrayal feels I really really do. Feel free to post at any time! We’re all in this together!

Shelby,

Sounds to me like this ex of yours knows exactly what he is looking for and frankly is not taking no for an answer. He’s probably rooting for the easy way out, to re-kindle an old flame and essentially get everything he wants. It is probably best to politely decline the meet. Feel free continue the communication via text but meeting is probably not a good idea despite the fact that you have been open and honest. I think we both can appreciate the fact that although someone may say/do something honestly and outright certain people still hope to change the outcome (I.e us with our ex’s are a prime example)! The last thing you want is unnecessary drama when you are beginning to make your progress.

Speaking of ex’s, mine reached out to me a few hours ago again. Just a quick text to say good luck with therapy tomorrow, reiterating that he believes that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, that he doesn’t want me to give up on him and he wants to prove just how much he loves me. Once more he confirmed that he has managed to seek help and that it is a start in his journey to fight for me and properly. Then he went on to say that he’s nearly lost me before and he cannot bare to lose me again as the thought of me being around is too painful for him. I had a feeling that he would text me tomorrow before therapy, he normally does just to give me a little reminder that he’s there for me as he knows it’s tough but he clearly couldn’t hold the no contact off any longer so just went for it today instead.

No response from my end and I plan for it to stay that way. I am simply not ready and quite frankly despite feeling shitty about it I have survived the last few days with no contact whatsoever.

I hope you have a restful night, I know you mentioned you haven’t been sleeping well recently. Neither have I if I’m honest but I know I won’t get to sleep until 1/2am again, kinda the usual now.

As for my consultation, it went well but I feel I don’t know enough about the clinic or the final results of their work. I have however, due to extensive research, found a clinic in which I would like to proceed with the treatment and will be looking to schedule a consultation there. It is more expensive but I guess you get what you pay for and at the end of the day it is my nose, literally on my face so i’d rather pay more to be 100% satisfied with it. The doctor is amazing at what she does, have a look at her work if you wish, dryusraclinic on Instagram.

Shelby,

Exactly that. Nothing at present is going to change so there is no use in putting the very little amount of energy I have left into trying to change it. Whilst thinking and reflecting back on my life and the relationships and friendships I have had with people it has become apparent to me that I am indeed an empath and the happiness and comfort of others come way before my own. Because even now when I have been burned to the ground and barely have any energy to hold my own self together, I am way too keen to reach out and help him because ‘he needs me right now!!’. I appreciate this is in my nature, and it is extremely difficult fighting off this personality trait but I simply cannot continue this way – not right now. I need to save whatever I have left in me to save myself. 

Of course, do anything and everything that makes you feel even just a tad better! Remember we spoke about this many weeks ago, incorporating any tiny details that make our days even the slightest bit better. Looking after yourself will always boost your self esteem a little. Whether you are feeling happy with your life right now or not it is almost a given that feeling good about yourself, whether that be by eating healthy, exercising, getting your hair done, buying a new outfit or whatever it may be, you will feel much better than if you were sat in bed un-showered with scruffy hair and stained pj’s!

Yes – meh is the right word here. I have not had a lower moment today, YET, I am sure it’ll surface at some point but I am enjoying the meh right now. Work has been a good distraction today, I wouldn’t say I am focused but like you just doing, just getting on with things and not paying too much attention or giving too much thought to anything. I’ll be done with my work day soon, the plan is to go home, have a bath, keep journaling and then go for my nose consultation! Hopefully the hours in between finishing work and going to the consultation will pass quickly.

What have you got planned for the rest of the day?

Shelby,

Yes I can imagine it is scary to admit to yourself that the deep need for him isn’t as strong but believe me that is incredible progress. It is everything you’ve been looking forward to the last few weeks, even if it only lasts for a couple of days at a time!

I wont lie when I say I felt a sigh of relief when he contacted me, I guess in a way he is hurting and maybe the time apart the last few days has given him some food for thought. Nonetheless, the complexity of the situation is beyond my understanding so I’m not going to try to understand it for now. I have promised myself no contact this week. My only goal and focus this week is to keep that promise to myself. I’m going to try my hardest to not over analyse, over think, and try to understand every tiny detail of what’s going on. One step at a time, my focus is no contact right now.

I’m sorry to hear that you too have a deeply saddening and triggering upcoming for you. Try to be as gentle on yourself as possible and remember that you do not owe anyone any explanation. You do not need to focus on your ex or explaining the situation to others, focus on what is really important that weekend – remembering the person who was close to you.

I know I sound real shitty right now but I will do my upmost best to be around as much as I can for you should you need to relief a little on the forum throughout this particularly tough time.

Shelby,

I can relate to that completely. I feel that way every Thursday on my way to therapy as I literally have to drive past his house as it is located about 5 minutes away from there. Actually, I have even seen him once or twice on my journey so with everything going on at the moment I know Thursday will be even more difficult for me.

We are alike in the way we think of some things. To me any time away from him is just so unnecessary and such a waste of time. So I understand when you say you just want to go back to being ‘us’. Try and shift your mindset back to the here and now. Noone knows what the future holds. Things could turn around and unfold for you in so many different ways. And remind yourself that this may not be making sense right not but one day it will.

Shortly after my previous post I could feel myself slowly going into a panic attack. My heart started beating out of control, my mind in absolute overdrive, I felt so fearful in that moment and had to try and bring myself back to planet earth and just breathe through it. Giving myself pep talks. ‘You’re okay, you’re alive and healthy, stop torturing yourself! Keep breathing!’ I still feel quite uneasy and can feel my heartrate is much faster than normal but just trying to keep breathing. This is real messy. I cannot wait to feel remotely okay again. I would much rather be empty and feel nothing, similar to Saturday, than feel all of this intensity!

So non-surgical reshaping essentially is fillers. They use fillers to alter the shape of your nose, make it appear smaller/larger, disguise any bumps or imperfections, lift a droopy nose etc. I have a bump on my nose and have been considering surgery for many years but have delayed due to the time off I would have to take from work, the recovery time, and I guess just the fear of going in for surgery! What if I don’t like it in the end?! What if the pain gets too much for me? Whereas this is a non-permanent solution and lasts anywhere between a year to two years depending on how quickly your body naturally absorbs the filler. It is also a pain free and 10 minute procedure with minimal bruising/swelling and instant results. I have done quite extensive research on it and watched many videos to familiarise myself with the procedure and the results and I really think I’m going to go for it. I’ll let you know how my consultation goes tomorrow!