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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic contains 1,047 replies, has 28 voices, and was last updated by  Shelbyville 7 hours, 30 minutes ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 751 through 765 (of 1,049 total)
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  • #273239

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Yes I can imagine it is scary to admit to yourself that the deep need for him isn’t as strong but believe me that is incredible progress. It is everything you’ve been looking forward to the last few weeks, even if it only lasts for a couple of days at a time!

    I wont lie when I say I felt a sigh of relief when he contacted me, I guess in a way he is hurting and maybe the time apart the last few days has given him some food for thought. Nonetheless, the complexity of the situation is beyond my understanding so I’m not going to try to understand it for now. I have promised myself no contact this week. My only goal and focus this week is to keep that promise to myself. I’m going to try my hardest to not over analyse, over think, and try to understand every tiny detail of what’s going on. One step at a time, my focus is no contact right now.

    I’m sorry to hear that you too have a deeply saddening and triggering upcoming for you. Try to be as gentle on yourself as possible and remember that you do not owe anyone any explanation. You do not need to focus on your ex or explaining the situation to others, focus on what is really important that weekend – remembering the person who was close to you.

    I know I sound real shitty right now but I will do my upmost best to be around as much as I can for you should you need to relief a little on the forum throughout this particularly tough time.

     

    #273255

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Kkasxo,</p>
    Thanks so much for that, I guess it’s just another hurdle. Like my bday & Christmas & NYE, the anniversary will be something I will just endure. Our own relationship anniversary will be another hurdle at the end of Jan which is also in the back of my mind, so I just have to survive these dates.

    It’s natural to feel relief that he contacted you and is showing he still cares. The resolve to maintain no contact seems to be strong in you however, choosing to do something for yourself to help you heal is significant progress this week.

    At the moment, when I think about contacting my ex, I kind of internally shrug and think, what’s the point. Nothing has changed. For now that is a motivating factor to not bother, so maybe it’d help you too.

    Hopefully Ill sleep better tonight because my sleep has been rather disrupted lately.

    #273353

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Yes it is. You have survived through your birthday, and Christmas, and even NYE. No matter how difficult it was you have survived and are alive and well. You will get through this date the same way, and you will get through what would’ve been your anniversary the same way. I know this is particularly difficult, I went through my birthday and then anniversary days later, but I got through it! Actually in hindsight, now that I have more knowledge of what was actually going on in his life around that time, I don’t feel so sad anymore that he didn’t make an effort on those days!

    I am choosing to try to take a similar approach to you at the moment. Everytime I think about contacting him I remind myself that at this present moment in time it will not change a thing. It will not shift my feelings of betrayal, sadness, anger, it will not make him understand, it will not take back everything that has happened, it will literally not change a thing. The only thing it will do right now is make me feel worse having him plead and be apologetic. I wonder how long this attitude will last but it is keeping me going for now and for that I am grateful.

    I too have been struggling with sleep recently, ending up going to bed at 2/3am everyday because I simply cannot get to sleep (not like me at all!). But it is what it is at the moment, eventually the tired will catch up with me and I will sleep like a baby – I hope!

    How are you feeling this morning? Are you loving your new hair?!

     

    #273361

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Thats it isnt it. The contact right now won’t change anything, because nothing has changed! Although I’m off work today and I admit, the days I’m off, I do think about him more and also about contacting him. But again, I’m not too pushed today.

    Im happy with my hair, I just feel, for a couple of months, I just about showered every day, so not that I have a bit of impetus to look a bit better, I might as well go with it! Even got the eye trio done at beauticians the other day too!

    I did have to go to the dentist today and get a filling- but you know what? It’s all self care, even if drilling into teeth isn’t as fun as getting my hair done! It’s taking care of me!

    I feel very much like you, even though we are in two very different places at the moment. I feel sort of ‘meh’…..I’m just not able to process much right now. I’m just kind of doing. Not thinking. Just doing. I don’t have the energy to figure out what’s going on with me. So i’m just holding steady I guess. In a state of abeyance you might call it!

    I feel a little more down today, but I’m going to ride it out and see how the day goes. Perhaps tomorrow will be different. Let me know how the nose consultion goes!

    #273365

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Exactly that. Nothing at present is going to change so there is no use in putting the very little amount of energy I have left into trying to change it. Whilst thinking and reflecting back on my life and the relationships and friendships I have had with people it has become apparent to me that I am indeed an empath and the happiness and comfort of others come way before my own. Because even now when I have been burned to the ground and barely have any energy to hold my own self together, I am way too keen to reach out and help him because ‘he needs me right now!!’. I appreciate this is in my nature, and it is extremely difficult fighting off this personality trait but <span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: transparent; color: #333333; cursor: text; font-family: Georgia,’Times New Roman’,’Bitstream Charter’,Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;”>I simply cannot continue this way – not right now. I need to save whatever I have left in me to save myself. </span>

    Of course, do anything and everything that makes you feel even just a tad better! Remember we spoke about this many weeks ago, incorporating any tiny details that make our days even the slightest bit better. Looking after yourself will always boost your self esteem a little. Whether you are feeling happy with your life right now or not it is almost a given that feeling good about yourself, whether that be by eating healthy, exercising, getting your hair done, buying a new outfit or whatever it may be, you will feel much better than if you were sat in bed un-showered with scruffy hair and stained pj’s!

    Yes – meh is the right word here. I have not had a lower moment today, YET, I am sure it’ll surface at some point but I am enjoying the meh right now. Work has been a good distraction today, I wouldn’t say I am focused but like you just doing, just getting on with things and not paying too much attention or giving too much thought to anything. I’ll be done with my work day soon, the plan is to go home, have a bath, keep journaling and then go for my nose consultation! Hopefully the hours in between finishing work and going to the consultation will pass quickly.

    What have you got planned for the rest of the day?

    #273421

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    *for some reason the above hasn’t reflected in post.

    #273431

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    we are most definitely depleted. Heartbreak is absolutely exhausting. So i’ll take meh for now!

    I’m in a tricky situation- an ex of mine from years ago- just a random rebound at the time, not someone I was really interested in- has been back and forth with me lately. He’s a super lovely fella, but absolutely no possibility of me going there. He seems down on his luck or just down lately and I’ve been chatting to him and just giving him advice. Now he’s asked me to the cinema. As friends. Eek. I’m sure he means that, but I know the vibe. He really falls for anyone who remotely communicates in any way with him. He’s currently on a mission to find someone to settle down with. I’m not interested at all, he’s just not someone I’d really be in to. Lovely as a friend but that’s it. But now I feel I’m going down a road that will lead me to awkwardness. Need help to get out of this. I’ve mad it clear I’m not interested in romance and may never be, with anyone, ever again! But I hope he still doesn’t misunderstand. Anyway, it wouldn’t be me, if there wasn’t some problem to deal with!

    I’m so tired this evening, I plan to go to bed early because I was up with my sisters toddler during the night and early this morning!

    How did the consultation go?

    #273515

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Sounds to me like this ex of yours knows exactly what he is looking for and frankly is not taking no for an answer. He’s probably rooting for the easy way out, to re-kindle an old flame and essentially get everything he wants. It is probably best to politely decline the meet. Feel free continue the communication via text but meeting is probably not a good idea despite the fact that you have been open and honest. I think we both can appreciate the fact that although someone may say/do something honestly and outright certain people still hope to change the outcome (I.e us with our ex’s are a prime example)! The last thing you want is unnecessary drama when you are beginning to make your progress.

    Speaking of ex’s, mine reached out to me a few hours ago again. Just a quick text to say good luck with therapy tomorrow, reiterating that he believes that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, that he doesn’t want me to give up on him and he wants to prove just how much he loves me. Once more he confirmed that he has managed to seek help and that it is a start in his journey to fight for me and properly. Then he went on to say that he’s nearly lost me before and he cannot bare to lose me again as the thought of me being around is too painful for him. I had a feeling that he would text me tomorrow before therapy, he normally does just to give me a little reminder that he’s there for me as he knows it’s tough but he clearly couldn’t hold the no contact off any longer so just went for it today instead.

    No response from my end and I plan for it to stay that way. I am simply not ready and quite frankly despite feeling shitty about it I have survived the last few days with no contact whatsoever.

    I hope you have a restful night, I know you mentioned you haven’t been sleeping well recently. Neither have I if I’m honest but I know I won’t get to sleep until 1/2am again, kinda the usual now.

    As for my consultation, it went well but I feel I don’t know enough about the clinic or the final results of their work. I have however, due to extensive research, found a clinic in which I would like to proceed with the treatment and will be looking to schedule a consultation there. It is more expensive but I guess you get what you pay for and at the end of the day it is my nose, literally on my face so i’d rather pay more to be 100% satisfied with it. The doctor is amazing at what she does, have a look at her work if you wish, dryusraclinic on Instagram.

    #273599

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey both – don’t want to disturb you both but honestly, you’re both sounding so much stronger, ‘meh’ is awesome compared to where you guys were just a few weeks back.

    Kkaxso – such a big well done for sticking to your guns and no contact for a week, especially as he’s reached out looking to fall back into your normal painful pattern. It’s only by doing different will you get a different outcome.  It’s hard when your own nature means you want to look after him too, even just as friends rather than in a relationship, but you just don’t have the mental strength for that right now. Good choice.

    Shelby – this other ex sounds like a perfect opportunity to practice saying no to what you don’t want and standing up for your boundaries. Honestly, I’d probably go for simply telling him that meeting up just the two of you isn’t something you feel is a good idea but perhaps in a group if that works if you do actually want to see this guy as a friend. Else just not.  An excellent way to help your self-esteem by sticking up for yourself.

    Anyway I wanted to share one more thing that helped me no end once I’d eventually got to my meh most days, incase it helps you guys too. Basically, I tried my damnedest to not shut down and stay open emotionally even though it hurt like hell – to allow the occasional happy flutter, be it from a warm sunny morning, a cheerful/energising song or whatever would catch me offguard from feeling sad and lonely. Often I’d panic or feel guilt at doing so since it was a small step forwards to not being miserable all the time, which felt like giving up on him/the relationship. Shelby, like you, I’d somehow fallen into letting this guy be most of my life so I worked hard at re-building old friends and new, huge focus on losing weight & getting fit and getting back into work proper. By staying open, I was eventually able to do so many things I thought I would only do/enjoy with him, including travel, which I never thought I’d do again. It wasn’t what I wanted but it was what I needed to learn how to become independent and capable of being happy on my own. Happy to share more if it helps but hopefully you guys will understand and it’ll be some use to you on your own journey through this.

    PS Kkasxo, it’s amazing what can be done these days eh! Absolutely – don’t skimp on something you are literally going to have to look at everyday, get what you pay for and all that!

    #273603

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Your ex is probably where you were some time ago and can’t resist the contact and feels he will sink without you. But this is a good time for him to put action behind his words and try therapy and really prove that he’s trying to change. Like Michelle said, time for a new approach to get a new outcome! Well done on refraining from contact, you need this time without too much extra drama.

    Yes, the other guy trying to go to the cinema with me has stated that he completely understands it’s just as friends and it’s hard to be too blunt with him as he is genuinely the sweetest little fellow and wouldn’t hurt a fly, but I fear at some stage (without any conceit on my part), that he may fall again for me, just because I’m a woman and I’m kind to him. He tends to latch on to anyone who shows any interest, even platonic. I will decline his invite or request it to be a group outing I think.

    In my opinion, it has always paid off in my past to go for the more expensive option if they have the results to back it up. Sometimes, you DO get what you paid for and I’d not skimp on things like facial procedures, hair cuts or cars. I think they’re too important, so go with your gut, even if it’s a more expensive option, provided you can allow for the extra cost.

    Michelle,

    I always welcome your input and sometimes I wonder to myself, how on earth can I eventually end up like Michelle. Then I think to myself, she must be different to me, more resilient, different circumstances etc. It seems like a distant dream that I could ever be happy again. However, at the moment, I’ll take meh and somewhat sad. It’s better than excrutiating pain I guess. I feel I’m accepting the end of the relationship more the past few days and it’s making me very sad and feel low. But who knows?!

    I have therapy again tomorrow, so hopefully that will shed some light.

     

    #273607

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby & Michelle,

    First of all shelby, the fact that you state that you are accepting the end of the relationship, however sad it may make you is a major major milestone! Well bloody done for this! I am so beyond pleased for you.

    Also thank you both for your kind words about the strength I have managed to find to withhold any contact. It is true, I need to do something differently to expect a different outcome! I am trying my hardest.

    I too have therapy today, first one after the holidays and with everything going on I am sure it’ll be intense and draining but I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things!

    Work has been extremely busy today, welcoming the distraction!

    #273609

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    It’s hard to know what’s going on in my heart and my head. Next week, I might get renewed vigour to try and retrieve the relationship again, who knows? I could be closing myself off slightly too in case I know what’s coming, a confirmation that the relationship can’t be reconciled.

    I was just thinking there while eating a weight watchers lunch (trying!), I wonder if my so-called lesson that blogs and books and quotes always refer to after a breakup is that I was too reliant on my ex and my relationship for my happiness. I know I was, I can admit that. So is something telling me, go find happiness by yourself first and then we’ll see what the universe has for you? I don’t know, very philosophical today for some reason. Could just be BS too!!!!

    I do miss him massively though, I still can’t believe in a way that he is not part of my life and I a part of his. It’s just weird.

    Best of luck with therapy later, I’ll be online if you need to post. When work is busy, I find it a good thing. I like staying active, but want to work on being ok to just be.

    #273613

    grounded
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m going through the same thing also. I am missing my ex boyfriend every day, wake up missing his arms around me and just his presence in my life while he seems to be doing just fine! I am trying to focus on myself instead of wanting him back, but it’s just so hard! A couple posts back in the forum, I told my ex that if he wanted to be with me again it would have to be exclusive,  no more dating sites or other girls he’s been “seeing?” and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s so hard waiting and hurts to not be chosen.

    #273615

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Grounded,

    I know how it feels to be so hurt. It’s crippling. I definitely don’t think you should wait around though for his answer if your ex has been ‘seeing’ other people. That’s just not fair. Well done for trying to focus on yourself, hopefully we will all come out the better end of this whole ordeal and leave our exes in the dust. x

    #273677

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    It’s okay to not understand what’s going on entirely. One minute your head and heart yearn from him and the next you’re not accepting that it’s over and that is all a part of this process. It is okay if you journal on here in the next hour in crippling pain again. But remember when right at the beginning of our communication people told us those moments soon enough will be far and few and less and less? Can you see this is finally becoming relative to yourself?! That is great news!

    Also, the fact that you can acknowledge that you relying on solely your ex for happiness is not the way to continue going forward is great too. You’re finally starting to do that ‘inner self’ work that everyone kept talking about and we never even knew how to approach it. Perhaps all those people who got through it were right… maybe it does just simply get better with time and that’s okay!

    Try not to think as far ahead as future, him not being a part of your future, because I find for myself personally that that’s when things get scary, overwhelming and just too much for me to handle. And I want to run back to him as fast as I can, to my comfort, to the idea of a future. I am trying my best now to live in the here and now, one day at a time, baby steps. And here I am doing just that, still haven’t contacted him and if I’m honest, today I didn’t even have to use my willpower to do that, it kind of just flew by.. maybe because I was really busy who knows?!

    I just got in from my therapy session which went well and not as emotional today. When I returned home I had a delivery of flowers and chocolates with a note saying Dear K, I hope you feel better soon, Love xx…

    I don’t even feel anything if i’m honest. I’m not happy, i’m not sad, I’m not even thinking about receiving them, just blank. I’ve put the flowers back in their delivery box and that’s as far as it goes right now.

    I’ve got some work to do from home today so will focus on that for the next hour or so and then workout, bath and a good Netflix session and another day has flown by with no communication! Yippeeee!

    Grounded – Welcome to the forum hun! I know all too well what it feels like to be a choice, I felt that too only last week when things started coming to light whilst me and my ex were split up. Although I wasn’t a choice to him per say because he dropped everything to get back with me, it still hurts the same way. I would suggest that you do not wait for his response and realise that no message is also a message. You shouldn’t have been a choice in the first place. If his mind was made up to get back in touch with yourself, to see if there is still anything there, he could’ve at least given you two a fair shot and been focused on you and what it is you could’ve potentially had, not entertaining random conversations and giving hopes to strange girls on dating apps! I know how the betrayal feels I really really do. Feel free to post at any time! We’re all in this together!

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