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  • #281937

    grounded
    Participant

    I personally think he is afraid because things were on the wrong track for him for so long when we were together which made him unhappy and made us unhappy.. so now jumping back into a relationship when things are going well, but not 100% yet could mean that things can go bad again

     

    I will ask him tonight.

    #281929

    grounded
    Participant

    Correct, and i don’t know I didn’t reply yet.

    #281895

    grounded
    Participant

    New update:

    So, My ex boyfriend recently told me he loves me and that he realized he loved me when i walked out the door but because he wasn’t doing well himself he wasn’t sure if he could trust it but now he knows (he never told me while we were dating, but through his actions i always knew he did). We broke up because we were both just unhappy, we couldn’t figure out how we became unhappy or what got us there, we still loved eachother, it just wasn’t working for who knows why. It’s been about 3 months.

    We talked about things, and we both have feelings, we both care and want to be in each other’s lives, but then he said: I can commit to just seeing you for now and be exclusive, get off dating sites and what not but I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now, not while things are on the right track for me.

    I don’t know what to say or do. I am so scared, hurt, not sure if I can trust him? How can you love someone and not want a relationship with them? Deep inside i know he’s not going anywhere and he probably knows i’m not going to find someone else either anytime soon. But I don’t know if I should accept that proposal and see where things go, or demand a relationship and walk away again. We haven’t been on any dates or anything (just for coffee to talk about what we wanted). We haven’t slept together or anything like that, and i told him i wouldn’t for a while, but i’m afraid of being played or just an option for him and that it won’t last and we’ll just get hurt and break up again. I pushed for a relationship / marriage and the whole thing before and i’m not sure why, maybe to know he’s not going anywhere and that he’s invested? but I panic hearing i don’t want a relationship right now. Help! How do we move forward?

    #280885

    grounded
    Participant

    Thanks Anita,

    I do not expect there to be any physical intimacy or anything at all since his message clearly implied “as a friend”. I also won’t make the same mistakes I made in the past. I do still want to be with him so i’m not sure, but I am feeling stronger and more in control, just weird to be back in the same city and living next door to him again.

    Healing is easier when there is a barrier.

     

    #280761

    grounded
    Participant

    I went on a trip, and took a week off work to spend some time away from my city with family and in a different environment. I felt so much better, stronger and like he had less power over me. Now i am back, back at work and back in the same city and same apartment and I feel like it is all coming back, my fear is coming back, my inability to move forward and be reminded of him and just having him so close by. I feel like i’ve moved 50 steps backwards.

    This week is his birthday. Last week, he invited me to his birthday party saying: ” I realize that the party invite came out of nowhere. I said I wouldn’t leave you out of things that so many friends are invited to. I would like you to come as a friend. If that’s weird, i understand. It felt like it may be weird to invite you and weird not to. So I Thought with an invite at least you can make your own choice.”

    I will be attending the party because i’m tired of being left out of the friend group. However his birthday is on thursday and I will wish him a Happy Birthday via text.

    I still have questions for him, like why did he text me that he went off dating sites and the never followed up?

    What do you think, do you think I could text him and ask him this when I text him to wish him a happy birthday?

    It feels like such a different world and life now, but still connected to him in some ways.

    #279239

    grounded
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    What a powerful post you have. I know that he does value me, but I guess my way of coping is trying to look at the negatives and tell myself that he doesn’t want me or he would be at my door. He did do special things for me, and i’m grateful for those, but dwelling on all the good stuff makes me miss him more, especially since he seems to be moving backwards instead of forwards in his growth right now, maybe that’s his way of coping too? Our emotional connection was fantastic and it’s what I miss the most.  It is not easy facing a loss that is in my face every single day, but I am coping. I sometimes wonder too why AND/OR if don’t value myself enough to break away and just close the door for myself (at least for now and who knows what the future holds) and why do i want to stay? I wish I had the answer, i’m working on figuring it out. I do know that it’s not about being afraid of being alone, i’m okay at being alone and living my life doing things for me.. as a matter of fact i’m going on a trip by myself for myself this week! So i’m not sure!

    I have realized that i keep letting him take my power so i’m slowly figuring out how to take that back, and in this case maybe staying silent isn’t my way of gaining power? Any thoughts are always appreciated 🙂

    #278923

    grounded
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    I think I just want him in my life so much that i’m finding it hard to say no to him. He hasn’t fully closed the door and he didn’t tell me in words that he doesn’t want me in his life, he just keeps saying he needs to figure it out and he doesn’t know and he needs to have his life in order first. This makes it so much harder for me since I know he’s still there for me, but I don’t want to be strung along. So it is hard for me to accept and actually take action in the fact that I need to close this door even though I want to be with him.

    I ignored the last three texts from him, the last one from being being that he was off dating sites. It’s been three weeks since i’ve heard from him which makes me realize he doesn’t want to be with me. I am leaning towards asking him WHY he chose to tell me that he was off dating sites. the reasons i can come up with for answers include a) looking for validation b) connection c) updates me on his progress. I’m afraid to open the door or send a message again because I still want him in my life.

    #278921

    grounded
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    As a child I was very social, I was always chatting with everyone even strangers and did not spend a lot of time alone. I have 3 siblings so I was always surrounded by people.  My parents were always there for me and are still there for me every single day. They are the ones I can call for whatever,  whenever.

    #278811

    grounded
    Participant

    It means that i’m good at being in my own company and doing things on my own. I have an easier time shutting people out than letting people in, and when i let people in i let them in 100% so it hurts a lot when they leave. I have always had a hard time with the sense of belonging and fitting in.

    #278805

    grounded
    Participant

    Thanks Mark I am doing my best. Your advice is very wise.

     

    Anita,

    I’m not sure i’m following you anymore. I am not afraid of being alone, actually i am very good at it which is sometimes the scary part. I was definitely sad in the relationship at some points and at some points I was happy, same goes for him. It wasn’t a happily ever after, i know his flaws and I learn to love them or at least live with them and accept them about him, same as he knows mine. It was not perfect and was not a fairytale romance, it was real.

    #278797

    grounded
    Participant

    I just went and had a look at my post and I remember now why I posted it. I was feeling stuck and unhappy in life and the last time i could remember being happy was with that guy and was wondering if it was worth taking the Tiny Buddha course to help me move forward in life and break some barriers. I did not want the relationship back, i just wanted to be happy and seeing him with another girl hurt a little that he had moved on faster. I no longer feel that way, i can be happy on my own without a guy. I am happy without a guy, yes there are hard days and yes i miss him, but i do smile and laugh and enjoy the little things in my life and i know what i want in life (at least in my relationships) and i know that I can’t get back together with my ex unless he has figured things out and he is investing and putting in effort. It’s just sad that it’s not happening for me right now.

    #278793

    grounded
    Participant

    A different guy. I was not dating anyone in March 2017.  My last relationship before this one ended in january  (ish) 2016. But I know that i can move on and i can get past this because i’ve been through it before. Although this situation feels different, especially because we have mutual friends and is on my social media and stuff regardless of if i want him to be or not due to the mutual friends (all our friends essentially).

    #278755

    grounded
    Participant

    I wasn’t really able to “picture” a future with him since his future is undefined. I just pictured us being together and supporting each-other no matter what happened. Sometimes i picture him joining the military and me moving and being there with him, but i don’t know if he’s joined the military or not. I just pictured us living together like we were, doing fun activities together and spending time  together, going on holidays, essentially keep doing what we were doing.

    #278747

    grounded
    Participant

    Hi!

    I have heard that advice before Michelle and i’m trying it out! It makes it easier to know what you want and don’t want, but still finding it hard to accept that.

    I do have another question for everyone in a similar heartbreak situation. My ex and I shared all the same friends, and we are in the same facebook chats and snapchat groups and basically our whole friend group is the same. I have been avoiding events with them and just trying to see them one on one, and as i get stronger i will start going to the whole group events (there are only like 8 of us so it’s pretty small). I find myself not knowing what information to disclose to certain friends. For example, I am going away next week on a trip for myself and some mutual friends are asking if I am around next week. While I obviously will tell them that I am not, I am hesitant to say what I am doing because I find myself wanting to restrict information to them so that my ex wonders what i am up to and miss me and reach out. I do not know if they even talk about me, and i know that it is childish, i’m just not sure what to disclose and what to keep to myself.

    Any thoughts?

    #278729

    grounded
    Participant

    To be honest, i’m not experiencing many pleasant feelings. I mostly am experiencing anxiety and wanting to communicate/ see what he is up to and hear about him and get to know him again. It feels weird to have entire days/weeks go by with nothing. I interpret communication to group messages as being meant for me / a way to communicate with me. Creating new things in life, for example changing jobs and not telling him or not having him know is super weird and uncomfortable

    If I am in a fantasy, it’s still anxiety feelings because it’s me wanting to hear from him, seeing him light up my phone, take me on a date and tell me that he wants to be with me.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 28 total)