February 5, 2019 at 8:24 am #278747
I have heard that advice before Michelle and i’m trying it out! It makes it easier to know what you want and don’t want, but still finding it hard to accept that.
I do have another question for everyone in a similar heartbreak situation. My ex and I shared all the same friends, and we are in the same facebook chats and snapchat groups and basically our whole friend group is the same. I have been avoiding events with them and just trying to see them one on one, and as i get stronger i will start going to the whole group events (there are only like 8 of us so it’s pretty small). I find myself not knowing what information to disclose to certain friends. For example, I am going away next week on a trip for myself and some mutual friends are asking if I am around next week. While I obviously will tell them that I am not, I am hesitant to say what I am doing because I find myself wanting to restrict information to them so that my ex wonders what i am up to and miss me and reach out. I do not know if they even talk about me, and i know that it is childish, i’m just not sure what to disclose and what to keep to myself.
Any thoughts?February 5, 2019 at 9:59 am #278779
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Grounded,</p>
I have found the less people know the better. All round. I would share when you need to, with people you trust, for love and support. But other than that, my way has always been to live my life mostly privately. People have less to comment on then and don’t know about changes to your circumstances one way or another.February 6, 2019 at 1:38 am #278895
Hey Grounded, so I think the problem is really with your underlying motivation of hoping your decision on the information sharing will somehow have an impact on your ex. It might, it might not – but it actually just doesn’t matter either way. This will likely sound harsh I know but it’s another one of those things that is doing you more harm in wondering about it than it is having any impact on him at all. I share information according to the level of trust I have with the other person and how private I consider the information. Try to let your decision be guided without reference to any impact on him. I’d also be curious why you are finding it hard to accept what you want – or did I misunderstand what you meant there?
Hey Shelby, how’s it going ‘up’ there? When do you next see your therapist btw? Ha, yeah, it sounds a bit daft about the fairy thing I know but it’s a good way to unlock your brain by not thinking about the how, just the what. It’s also sometimes easier to write down what you don’t want too if having trouble thinking about what you do want. Got anything good planned for the weekend?February 6, 2019 at 4:51 am #278915
I’m on a day off today and actually still in bed. It weird, I feel tired but not for any particular reason. I feel like I could just stay in bed all day. Just a ‘meh’ feeling. But my sister wants me to join her at the pool today because she’s soon to give birth and the bump is so heavy, she just wants a reprieve, so I must get up!
I follow a lot of accounts on Instagram about self love and knowing what you deserve etc, so everyday I get a daily dose of messages about not chasing someone who is not investing in you. I’m hoping it will sink in eventually, because it appears, I haven’t gotten to that enlightened position yet.
I have another therapy session next week, I had hoped to push it to every fortnight or even stop it soon, because it’s expensive and I’m not sure if Im progressing much, but next week is a vomit-inducing holiday on the 14th so I figured I need the extra session!!!
Nothing planned for this weekend, I feel like I’m getting more and more attracted to spending time in bed. Hmm.
How are you doing?February 6, 2019 at 6:26 am #278923
I think I just want him in my life so much that i’m finding it hard to say no to him. He hasn’t fully closed the door and he didn’t tell me in words that he doesn’t want me in his life, he just keeps saying he needs to figure it out and he doesn’t know and he needs to have his life in order first. This makes it so much harder for me since I know he’s still there for me, but I don’t want to be strung along. So it is hard for me to accept and actually take action in the fact that I need to close this door even though I want to be with him.
I ignored the last three texts from him, the last one from being being that he was off dating sites. It’s been three weeks since i’ve heard from him which makes me realize he doesn’t want to be with me. I am leaning towards asking him WHY he chose to tell me that he was off dating sites. the reasons i can come up with for answers include a) looking for validation b) connection c) updates me on his progress. I’m afraid to open the door or send a message again because I still want him in my life.February 6, 2019 at 6:30 am #278925
Ah, come on Shelby, outta that bed…..I know it feels like it’s where you want to be but it’s actually the worst place for you. Everytime I did that I would just find myself sinking lower and lower – I am very glad to hear you are going to have to go out and meet your sister, honestly, just doing something shakes off half the tired meh. Get up, get out, get active. It’s the last thing you feel like which is why it’s what you need – how irritating eh!! Besides, remember , no wallowing in the past this week…..I want to hear at least one Shelby thought about something you’d like in your future….ideally not relationship related…..
Ha – yeah the big consumerism nightmare of V day, don’t worry, just another day and that one that really doesn’t mean anything to anyone given it’s so artificial, in my clearly biased view 🙂
Yeah, I can understand why it’d be hard to carry on with therapy when it’s so expensive here. It’s why I thought it’d be worth asking about how to get out of the plateau stage – it has to be a good balance of being pushed when you need and are ready for it I would think. See what they say?
All good here, I should probably be thinking about packing but loads of time yet…….sort of…..February 6, 2019 at 8:16 am #278959
Ah Grounded, why do we have to want the things that are no good for us eh. Even if he hasn’t said it in actual words his actions are telling you it loud and clear. From what I’ve read of your posts, my honest answer would be that he probably hasn’t had much success on the dating sites and is wondering if you are still hanging around waiting for him – especially since if I understand correctly, there’s a pattern of sex pretty quickly when you guys get back together. Seriously, everything you have written about this guy says he doesn’t value you in any way that matters to you – the real question is why you don’t value yourself enough to break away….??February 6, 2019 at 11:03 am #279013
I got up and went to the pool. Things were all just a little harder today for two reasons- 1) I suffer from bouts of chronic pain and today it was acting up big time. I did the grocery shopping too and it nearly floored me! Secondly I just feel blue today. Not horrendously awful, just sad and blue and missing that person. I get frustrated at having to feel like this day after day. I know it only changes when it changes but, I’m tired of feeling so unhappy.
I haven’t written my list yet, I think I will wait until the weekend as I feel too tired to do much at the moment. I’m due to meet my old friend for a nice long walk after work tomorrow so that’ll be nice.February 6, 2019 at 11:59 pm #279103
Sorry to hear your pain was acting up so bad, that has to be tough to get through. You know you can always ignore my and anyone else’s helpful advice, especially when it is not so helpful! How’s your sister coping – can’t be long till the big day then?
It’s the feeling blue part it helps not to lay around just thinking about how sad you feel. As honestly, the more you think it, the more you are it, if that makes sense. I think a walk with an old friend sounds lovely, hope you enjoy it.February 7, 2019 at 2:19 am #279107
Good morning Michelle,
Your advice makes absolute sense and nothing I don’t often know myself, so I’m happy to take it! The physical pain is really bothering me this week, I hope it improves soon because it makes my tolerance for things so short. My sister is exhausted. Her 18-month old seems to be getting two tough teeth and is not sleeping well, so she is struggling to mind herself and mind him, but I’m helping when I can. I think her due date is Feb 23rd, but I think it might happen before then!
I hope @kkasxo is doing okay. I miss her on here too and hope she is coping okay.February 7, 2019 at 3:40 am #279111KkasxoParticipant
Sorry again for being dead silent, I am still following the thread and your post and love hearing from you all but just most days cannot even find the energy to respond. In all honesty, I feel down in the gutter and have since my spiral a few weeks back. I haven’t been able to pick myself up and have been struggling. With that in mind, it sometimes feels I cannot even offer any of you any valuable advice – I’m sorry for this. I also don’t want to bring you all down with me by expressing just how bad things really are for me at the moment. I don’t quite know what to do next, how to help myself, how to make a shift in this but I cant continue like this for much longer.
Shelby – how are you getting on with things? I read it has been a little tough recently?February 7, 2019 at 4:25 am #279123NairobiParticipant
My boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago after six years of being together under very similar circumstances. We both loved each other very much, but things were not moving forward. I just wanted to let you know, things do get better. Not over night, but every week you cry a little less, and eventually, although it may seem impossible now, you’ll suddenly realise it’s been a whole day without crying, and then a whole week. It’ll still feel awful every now and then, even if quite some time has passed. Don’t be afraid of asking too much of your loved ones, you’re going to need them to be able to move forward.
I hope you’re better and you believe me when I say, no one dies of love.
Best of luckFebruary 7, 2019 at 4:31 am #279125
Hey Kkasxo – so good to hear from you again. You don’t have to offer anything right now, life is all about give and take – right now I suspect you need to be strong enough to accept help, not want to give it still… Did you ever manage to get any help from your doctor, I know it’s not easy. You also don’t have to feel like it’s not fair to be sharing your pain if it will bring others down – we all choose to be here, it’s my choice to spend my time listening and helping where I can. I’m grateful to others who helped me through my dark days just by listening and understanding, if I can pay some of that back through helping you and others here now that I’ve healed, it’s worth it to me.
Shelby – hope it gets better soon, is there anything that helps or is it literally a wait for it to do its thing and go again? But yeah, probably not the frame of mind for a fairy godmother list – though an obvious item number one I suppose.
Take care both.February 7, 2019 at 6:23 am #279157
Thanks so much for the advice. I feel dull and unhappy. The crying has stopped for the most part, but I miss him as much as the day after we broke up so I’m hoping that eventually moves too. I’m glad to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I take anti-inflammatories – which I hate taking because they disagree with my tummy, but it usually settles again in a week or two, so fingers crossed! I will get around to that list, because I’m actually intrigued if I could even come up with future wants!
Welcome back, so glad to hear from you, as my mind gets worried easily and sometimes I’d think the worst for no reason! Absolutely no need to share anything right now, as long as you’re keeping yourself together and functioning, that’s all you can do. If you’re in the worst of the worst places, maybe a prescription of a medication for a short term might help you see a chink of light in that tunnel. You see me here and I’m on it but it doesn’t dull or hide what I’m feeling, as you can gather from my posts, so don’t worry about that side of it. It’s up to you, but I know I could not get myself out of the worst of times at the time without some help and I’m aiming to be off it again by summer and my therapist feels that totally achievable, so maybe an option?
Let us know if there is anything we can to help you, you deserve a good life.February 7, 2019 at 12:24 pm #279239
What a powerful post you have. I know that he does value me, but I guess my way of coping is trying to look at the negatives and tell myself that he doesn’t want me or he would be at my door. He did do special things for me, and i’m grateful for those, but dwelling on all the good stuff makes me miss him more, especially since he seems to be moving backwards instead of forwards in his growth right now, maybe that’s his way of coping too? Our emotional connection was fantastic and it’s what I miss the most. It is not easy facing a loss that is in my face every single day, but I am coping. I sometimes wonder too why AND/OR if don’t value myself enough to break away and just close the door for myself (at least for now and who knows what the future holds) and why do i want to stay? I wish I had the answer, i’m working on figuring it out. I do know that it’s not about being afraid of being alone, i’m okay at being alone and living my life doing things for me.. as a matter of fact i’m going on a trip by myself for myself this week! So i’m not sure!
I have realized that i keep letting him take my power so i’m slowly figuring out how to take that back, and in this case maybe staying silent isn’t my way of gaining power? Any thoughts are always appreciated 🙂