Shelby,

I agree. Because I am rubbish at decision making all together I want to ensure that IF I make a decision, it is an educated one and the best one for me. I haven’t come to that conclusion yet, despite everything that has happened I have a glimmer of hope. And that tiny glimmer is what’s holding me back.

I also agree that your ex is an idiot and he really doesn’t realise just what he has walked away from. It is only a matter of time before he wants ‘more’ and it’ll hit him right in the face then. That he actually had it all with you but chose to let you go.

Michelle – going back to decision making. When me and my ex first split it was his decision and therefore made it a whole load easier for me to come to the conclusion that it is completely out of my hands. You cannot make someone love or want you, I knew that and therefore I also knew that the only way forward for me was away from him, there was no choice to make as there was only one choice. The dynamic changed when he came crawling back begging for another chance and pulling at my heart strings which were and are still very much all about him.

My journey isn’t making much sense right now. The cycle of pain that I seem to keep putting myself through is not making any sense. What rational person would do this to themselves? I hope one day I am able to look back on this and laugh just as you are.

Shelby,

Dont you worry, I still have my handy reminder set on my phone to come back here in October 2019 and let you know exactly how I am doing.

A year seems like such a long time, such a distant future but the way I am feeling and the way things are going I don’t actually know if I’ll believe I’ll be any better off..

I can completely relate to the notion of being stuck on pause. I feel like I have been in this paused moment since late August, 4 months or so… a pause full of confusion, hurt and complete lack of direction. I literally have no clue which way I want to go. I realise this has a lot to do with the fact that I am unable to make a solid and clear decision because I am too afraid of facing the consequences, I’m too afraid I will make the wrong choice that I will never be able to go back from and as a result will have to live with the upset forever. But this lack of decision making is also keeping me in a place of pause and it is not somewhere that I want to be.

For a while now I’ve been saying that i don’t know how I’m gonna get there or where I am even going but I want to be anywhere other than here – on pause, surviving, distracting. I’m so tired of this meaningless phase of life.

Nonetheless, I know all this, but what am I really going to do about it? Probably nothing.

Shelby,

Yes it was quite nice to enjoy time away from him. But am I only beginning to enjoy time away because I know that it is temporary? Because I know that eventually I will come back and everything will get back to normal? Because ultimately he is a part of my life so everything is okay? Probably. You’re absolutely right about the trust thing though, it is imperative to form any kinds of relationships in our life – and it is also something that he seemed to have abuse since our break up whether intentional or not. It has been a tough ride. YET it is still not a good enough reason for me to let go.. it seems with him nothing ever will be! How unhealthy and toxic is that?!

My goals for this year are definitely to continue therapy and learn to accept 2018 as a part of my life. Not something that defies me but something that has changed me and I now need to learn to accept and live with. I will also have to learn to live on my own in a few months time so although 2018 was challenging to say the least I know this year will be too with my family moving abroad. Am I ready? No. Will I have to deal with it anyway? Yes. Life eh..

It sounds to me that although you may perceive your ex to be quite cold and distant in your communication that he does indeed want to be in touch too… Otherwise he wouldn’t be right?! I think there’s more to this than just being polite. But that’s just my opinion. I agree that without change your relationship wouldn’t work, ultimately you’ll end up right back to square one. But then again I am living the same situation right now so I also know it is easier said than done to just walk away and be done with it – so absolutely no judgement there. One thing I have learned is that love is such a complicated, overwhelming, confusing emotion and it does make you do crazy things. Nonetheless, you have to do what feels right for YOU! Always!

Although Mark does have a point – we are indeed insane! I too have been in the same place for what feels like 800 years with no real resolve! Tired.. that is the best way I can describe it at this point! Which makes me sound even more insane right because I am allowing this to continue?!

Shelby,

Firstly, Happy New Year! I hope you have enjoyed the festive period and that it hasn’t been too bad for you?!

Im sorry I haven’t been in touch, I’ve had limited access to the internet abroad! I am back and will read through all of your posts properly tomorrow!

Shelby,

As long as you are keeping busy with things that you somewhat enjoy that is a start in itself. You may not feel happy or really enjoy things for a little while but there will come a day where you won’t feel as bad as the previous and that’ll be the beginning of your journey.. I honestly wish that for you!

Yes, I will do whatever it is I need to do to keep me sane and happy. The issue is right now I haven’t quite figured out what that is just yet.. I’m hoping to get there sooner rather than later, until then I will just leave things as they are.

I know what you mean about feeling apprehensive about the new niece/nephew. I too get like that when I hear a friend has gotten engaged or getting married or having a baby. I suppose in a way it is just a reminder for me of just how far I am from those things, it is a real kick in the gut! Nonetheless, we just have to keep striving forward! We have to do whatever it is to set our lives up so that we too can have these things in the future! I do always end up feeling like the odd one out in the family. I can so picture my younger sister being married and settled before me.. in a sense it makes me feel a bit like a failure. Guess there’s the whole thing as an older sibling to want to set an example to the younger ones, well i’m not a great example at all with everything I’ve been through! It’s quite sad..

Yes! One more sleep and then I’m off! We are driving to my home country so the journey itself will be approx. 20 hours which I am absolutely dreading BUT I am so looking forward to getting out of here, away from the reality of my life and to spend quality time with family members I don’t see that often!

Shelby,

You’re very similar to me in the way that you overthink and over analyse things. I know it is easier said than done but it is also easier for an outsider to see things you may not. Instead of over thinking, try to accept whatever he said as true. I am sure he enjoyed seeing you, after all he does love you and does not want you hurting, I suppose splitting up to him was the lesser of two evils – letting you go on to be happy in your life, or in constant misery because he can’t progress the way you want. He said he would like to speak with you over Christmas. Accept this as true. Don’t think of it as his guilty conscience or a way to repay you for the hurt he caused – he would like to speak to you over Christmas, so provided that you are happy to do this the option is very much there. In fact, I can almost guarantee that he is hoping that you will take him up on his offer and reach out to him over the festive period, he wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise – men are strange human beings like that.

Yes, definitely take time to digest things. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to do whatever it may take to get there you just have to figure out how.

I’m okay today. Had a moment earlier where I began doubting everything again. Also, my father recently found out that me and my ex are in contact again and he is not impressed. My mum said he is extremely upset and cannot forgive him for the pain he caused his daughter (me). Although i can completely understand, it’s of course added a little bit more of the sour taste to the whole situation. Nevertheless it is what it is. I am counting down until Friday to get out of here and start a new in 2019!

Shelby,

I was on standby all evening just in case you came back in despair but I am glad to hear that the meeting went somewhat good actually?!

The first thing I can say from reading your post is that he DOES love you, 100%. And as I have suggested before, I knew very well that him ‘getting on with things’ and seemingly ‘loving life’ is all a front when the reality is he thinks about you all the time. I know this because the situation with my ex was exactly the same!! Nights out here, holidays there, working, coping, managing whilst I couldn’t get out of bed most days – that to me looks like a functioning human being and that hurt! It’s not until he actually opened up that he told me all the things your ex told you – that it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do, that he thinks about me all the time, that it hurts.. So I’m glad your ex was man enough to tell you those things as I suppose in a way it helps to know the other person is also hurting to some extent, although in my case even after hearing those things I still saw him very much as a functioning person – you may be hurting but you’re getting on with things and I am not, and that p***ed me off!

As it stands you have to literally take his word, everything he said. So yes he does love you, yes he does care, yes he is concerned about you as he doesn’t want you to hurt, he hopes for some kind of future with you, yes this has hurt him but also he is not ready, he felt pressure, he doesn’t actually know what he want’s from life, he’s struggling to figure it all out and feels he doesn’t want to drag you along in the process – quite wise and considerate if you ask me (although may feel the complete opposite for you because I know you’d rather sit out and ‘wait’ for him rather than have to go through this).

I can completely understand that the laughs and emotions throughout the conversation have confused you and rightly so. (Gosh this sounds so much like me and my ex!!!!!!!!) I think the important thing to remember here is that despite this horrible heartbreak he is trying to do right by you and himself. He DOES love you, he just cant be what you need him to be for you right now. Nonetheless it is quite normal that you guys have sprung back to your old selves laughing and joking – we did the exact same! It’s like I couldn’t even stay angry at him for breaking my heart, frustrating to say the least!

I think you need to work on accepting the circumstances as they are. Maybe not so much hold on to hope but from the sounds of it this break up isn’t forever.. But you have to accept what it is at this present moment. Right now, you are not together, he is figuring himself out and you should do the same. You have to go back to complete basics and learn to live life for you. I know you have been struggling with this and maybe this process may be easier if you tell yourself that there is a possibility of reconciliation down the line?! By the time you get there, even if the opportunity doesn’t come about you’ll be in a much better headspace to accept it once and for all!

It is such a shame that a man in his thirties STILL doesn’t know what he wants. I understand people have their own timings but come on! I get so impatient with my ex (approaching his mid twenties) but he is really pushing it now! I do believe this is largely influenced by his family. Because although they were upset to hear about your split, of course, you were a part of their family, they’re not exactly giving him the push either! They should be the ones to say to him ‘Son! You’re a grown up! Go and be with your woman, creating YOUR life together!’ but unfortunately they aren’t and to be honest they’re only harming him in the long run.

It’s funny actually because in my ex’s culture it is required that if the girls (daughters) get into a relationship they are to be engaged pretty quickly as a sign of commitment from their partner – that is the expectation. If he doesn’t propose he is clearly not serious and having a boyfriend is considered quite sluttish maybe?! I don’t know. However for the men, (sons) completely different story, ‘No honey you don’t need to rush to get married, stay free as long as you can, live your life etc etc!’. Perfect example is my ex’s sister, she was with her now husband for two years IN SECRET because she didn’t want to get engaged, as soon as she brought him home to introduce him to the family he had to ask for her hand in marriage! Whereas my ex’s brother has been with his girlfriend for 20 years now, they have two mortgages and two children together and never married! Because the expectations are just different and quite frankly his parents don’t even question why they aren’t married after 20 years together! Crazy!

So essentially whatever my ex’s family want for their daughters, they don’t want that for their son’s or daughter in laws! Stupid if you ask me.