Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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January 1, 2019 at 12:56 pm #271919
KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Firstly, Happy New Year! I hope you have enjoyed the festive period and that it hasn’t been too bad for you?!
Im sorry I haven’t been in touch, I’ve had limited access to the internet abroad! I am back and will read through all of your posts properly tomorrow!
January 1, 2019 at 10:33 pm #271953
ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Happy New Year to you. I’m looking forward to hearing about your break with your family! Did you get headspace during that time?
Ive gotten myself into a pickle again. I’m not sleeping as my mind is constantly churning trying to figure things out, wondering how we could work. It’s like the past 3 months didn’t happen! I don’t want to be without him, but I feel I need to let go, for my own sake, because I can’t continue like this. I’m under the weather and the lack of sleep is not helping.
Im due to meet him within the next week again. I’m not sure he really wants to but he’s too polite to ever refuse. I think it will have to be the last time I see or speak to him. I can’t coax someone into a relationship with me, they have to want it.
I hope you really enjoyed the break and we’re able to switch off.
January 2, 2019 at 4:55 am #271969KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Yes I did really enjoy my time away. It was so nice to see all my family, Christmas was wonderful! And to my surprise I even thoroughly enjoyed the time away from the man who shall not be named. I wish it lasted longer! I felt free, comfortable, distracted to the max that I hardly thought about him. I thought being away from him on his birthday and Christmas would hit me hard, but it didn’t, not how I imagined anyway so another milestone done!
As 2019 was approaching I knew I needed to start a new chapter. I felt it within every ounce of me, I WANT it so bad. And everything with my ex was going amazing for the past few weeks. He’s been so understanding, caring, and I even saw the ‘old him’ in him.. Until NYE! All of the hard work put in over the past few weeks have yet again gone down the drain as some of his past lies and wrongdoings caught up with him.. So although nothing has happened in the last few weeks the idea that our new situationship (not a relationship) is based on lies has brought us back to square one. As it stands, the built up to trusting him and believing in his word again has been thrown out the window. I am beyond drained of this back and forth and not how I promised to see myself through to the new year.
He says that it shouldn’t matter as it isn’t anything recent and it is just past mistakes that have unfortunately shown up at the worst yet best time – at least we are entering the new year on a clean slate? I’m not so sure. So I withdraw as that is what I do best!
Enough about me though. How has your Christmas been? I’m sorry to hear you’re not well! I hope you feel better soon!
Did you contact your ex over Christmas then? You say you are due to be meeting up soon. What are your hopes for this meeting?
January 2, 2019 at 2:14 pm #272049ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
That is honestly such a huge step forward. You went home and really enjoyed time away from him, could you even have imagined that when you broke up, even when you went to your friends wedding recently, you found it hard to enjoy it without thinking of him. Now, you are enjoying being your own person again, enjoying things that don’t involve him- i’d say that’s pretty monumental and empowering.
Its so hard to move forward for you as your trust keeps being tested and challenged and we need to have trust. It’s one of the basics isn’t it? Who wants to live on the edge all the time- it’s overrated!
What is your goal for this year? Not an aspiration…..what exactly are you going to do this year? Do you want to live blissfully happy ever after with your guy? If so, what can you do now to start achieving that? If it’s to start afresh on your own, what progress could you make this week, this month? I don’t blame you for withdrawing, I used to do the exact same thing, but I suppose therapy would teach me, it doesn’t change a situation and communication is key, even if it’s uncomfortable. But what on Earth do I know? Very little!!!!
After our meetup recently, my ex texted on Xmas day – a usual ‘formal’ message wishing my family and I a nice Xmas. I think he did it to be the ‘good guy’ especially on the back of me mentioning during our meet up that I found the cold turkey no contact quite harsh.
I replied a simple similar message and that was it. Last weekend then I suggested meeting up and he seemed to be cool with that but several times and venues I later suggested didn’t work out due to…….surprise surprise……family business commitments. Eventually I caved in NYE & texted him to talk. He was working but called around 2am. He was quite curt with me to start, almost like he was trying to disguise anger….but I couldn’t be sure. Anyway, once he heard I had been in bed sick all day, his attitude changed slightly and he was warmer.
I suggested meeting up for a chat and he urged me to get well first. I suggested meeting at the weekend or next week and that there was absolutely no pressure on him to do so if he didn’t feel like it. I figure he was kind of caught on the hop, and stumbled a bit before saying ‘sure’. Again, probably to be polite, because he would never downright refuse.
What do I want to achieve? I have no idea. I’m gone completely off the map now. I don’t even know anymore. Of course I want him back, but a part of me knows, it can’t be revived without change and there apparently has been no change on his part. So then I think I want to really let it all out and explain what I really feel, but then I worry that will decimate my esteem even further.
So here I am, start of 2019, no further down the road than week one. No clue what to do or how to accept this and get over it. Everyone thinks being in contact is bad, like….very bad, even my therapist, though not as bluntly. Why am I not listening? Why do I think I know better? EVERYONE can’t be wrong!
Btw, it’s lovely to hear from you again. Sometimes it’s lonely when you can’t speak frankly with those around you
January 2, 2019 at 4:41 pm #272055
MarkParticipantOne definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.
January 2, 2019 at 5:53 pm #272061ShelbyvilleParticipantMark,
Indeed you are correct. I don’t think I even expect a different result again, I just can’t seem to muster enough self control to stop myself. I guess my attachment is resulting in ‘insane’ behaviour. 🙁
January 3, 2019 at 3:39 am #272077KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Yes it was quite nice to enjoy time away from him. But am I only beginning to enjoy time away because I know that it is temporary? Because I know that eventually I will come back and everything will get back to normal? Because ultimately he is a part of my life so everything is okay? Probably. You’re absolutely right about the trust thing though, it is imperative to form any kinds of relationships in our life – and it is also something that he seemed to have abuse since our break up whether intentional or not. It has been a tough ride. YET it is still not a good enough reason for me to let go.. it seems with him nothing ever will be! How unhealthy and toxic is that?!
My goals for this year are definitely to continue therapy and learn to accept 2018 as a part of my life. Not something that defies me but something that has changed me and I now need to learn to accept and live with. I will also have to learn to live on my own in a few months time so although 2018 was challenging to say the least I know this year will be too with my family moving abroad. Am I ready? No. Will I have to deal with it anyway? Yes. Life eh..
It sounds to me that although you may perceive your ex to be quite cold and distant in your communication that he does indeed want to be in touch too… Otherwise he wouldn’t be right?! I think there’s more to this than just being polite. But that’s just my opinion. I agree that without change your relationship wouldn’t work, ultimately you’ll end up right back to square one. But then again I am living the same situation right now so I also know it is easier said than done to just walk away and be done with it – so absolutely no judgement there. One thing I have learned is that love is such a complicated, overwhelming, confusing emotion and it does make you do crazy things. Nonetheless, you have to do what feels right for YOU! Always!
Although Mark does have a point – we are indeed insane! I too have been in the same place for what feels like 800 years with no real resolve! Tired.. that is the best way I can describe it at this point! Which makes me sound even more insane right because I am allowing this to continue?!
January 3, 2019 at 4:02 am #272079ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I understand completely what you mean. The security blanket was always there in the sense that you could enjoy the break, knowing you’d go back to see your guy at some point again in the future. Ya know, I nearly think I feel the same, in a way. Things are manageable for me, once I know I still have the option of contact, that there are some sort of plans to see each other etc. So is that denial? Bargaining?
I keep the phrase ‘trust the process’. So is this our process? Are we supposed to trust that it’s the right thing going back to your ‘situationship’ and me not to attempt to end and move on? Is all this supposed to happen? I haven’t a clue. I don’t really know what people mean when they say trust the process. Is that just licence to accept every action we take?! Surely we can’t have that much free reign if we are to heal ourselves. I’m also told self love takes willpower and resolve so it’s all very confusing.
I cant stay how I am anyway. One way or another. It’s not helping me and I’m neither happy nor devastated- it’s a weird unsettling limbo to be in. Ultimately I know we can’t work now, too much has happened, he has changed. He doesn’t want to. So why can’t I just accept that on every level. Damn love and attachment.
I’m at the doctor today because I’m still poorly – which of course massively affects my mood. So I best just try and sort it.
I would love to look ahead with some truly great goals such as yourself, but I have no interest in this next year- I feel it’s gonna be more of the same. Just the ticking of time!
It will be a big change when your family moves away, but not all change is bad. Who knows what opportunities it will open up for you and what growth you will have as a result!
Also, don’t forget we’re always here online to support you if you’re lonely or struggling.
January 3, 2019 at 4:28 am #272081
MichelleParticipantHi Shelbyville,
A newcomer to your thread so apologies if I’ve missed something important in only reading the start and latest few posts but your story called out to me having gone through something similar, all be it a long time ago now. I thought it may help to share the light at the end of the tunnel even if it probably isn’t what you want to hear right now.
After the break-up of my first love and real relationship of six years I was exactly where you are, waking up and forgetting it had happened until the weight of it would hit me, unable to cope with more than getting through the basics of living each day. I was totally convinced he would change, we’d be back together as I just couldn’t see how my life went forwards otherwise. But it did, I did and the life I have now makes me so grateful for the learning experience it provided. My life today is so much better, I am such a better and stronger person having survived what to me at the time was the worst possible thing to happen. I say these things to try and explain as best as anyone can online that there is always a way forwards, it just might not be the one we want it to be at the time.
Re contact with your ex – from experience this didn’t work well for me as we simply weren’t in the same emotional place. I admire people who can remain friends with their ex’s but believe you both need to give yourselves some space to become your own person again before doing so. In my case, by contacting my ex I was hoping for the emotional connection and hope for the relationship to continue, he was simply being nice and respecting the long and intense time we had shared together. This sounds a little like your situation to me. In the end, the contact helped as it brought home to me how the relationship I wanted did not exist. It was painful to go through but also freeing – eventually.
To Mark’s much more succinctly well made point – you owe it to your own future to try a different way forwards, back to the light. It was incredibly hard for me but I was determined, I cut contact and concentrated on looking after myself, focused on staying open to the future. I became my own person finally and in doing so realised all over again why it was the right way forwards for me even though it wasn’t what I wanted at the time.
Realise that was a bit of a ramble but hope it helps you move forwards with courage. My life has been full of both challenges and enriching experiences since, including eventually meeting my soul-mate of 18 years odd now. These situations are made to give us strength – you can do this.
January 3, 2019 at 12:55 pm #272155ShelbyvilleParticipantMichelle,
Thank you so much for such an articulate and helpful post. It has helped more than you know.
I lack confidence in the belief that the future holds better things. I don’t know how to increase that faith. Essentially, I don’t want to be unhappy.
I guess what people are saying is this- cut all contact, I will feel lost & broken, but maintain it….and one day I’ll feel better? I’ll stop hurting at every thought of him? If this is the truth, I will try it. x
January 3, 2019 at 5:57 pm #272171MarkParticipantJanuary 4, 2019 at 1:13 am #272193MichelleParticipantHi Shelbyville,
I’m so so glad it helped 🙂
Understand completely – at the time I also had zero idea what the future held for me and how I was going to cope with a life without him in it. I took it a day at a time, some were better than others by far. Each day I had to make sure to mentally look forwards, not backwards as much as I could, again, easier some days than other. I actually made myself a mini-mantra ( although I didn’t know that was what it was back then! ) that I would repeat to myself at the lowest points.
Cutting contact for me was the only way to give myself enough mental head space to do the above. Any contact just put me back into a nose-dive of ‘what-if’s’ and ‘if only I’d said/done the magical right thing to fix it all’ – when in reality and the wonderful but painful truth of hindsight there was no such thing I could’ve said/done – and interestingly now, I’m so glad that there wasn’t. It takes time and effort to reach that point – but it is so so worth it.
Choosing to want to be happy ( the more positive version of not wanting to be unhappy 🙂 ) at some point in the future is a huge positive step – and not feeling guilty or panicked about it either as you do slowly feel better, which happened to me often as I looped through this process.
Mark has yet again said it in way fewer words but yes, to move forwards, take a big deep breathe – it’s scary as hell to jump into the unknown – but do it, trust it and grow. Like anything else in life, the more you do it, the easier it gets. You can do this and your future self will thank you so much.
January 4, 2019 at 2:12 am #272195KkasxoParticipantMichelle,
Those are some real words of wisdom. It is also very encouraging to read from someone who has gone through this and come out of it at the other end.
Well done to you! You have put yourself first and built yourself a beautiful and happy life and for that you are a really strong woman!
January 4, 2019 at 2:15 am #272197ShelbyvilleParticipantMark certainly does have a way with words and gets straight to the point and I appreciate that.
Sometimes constantly analysing things just is a way of holding on. I have to make a decision. I just wish I was not so weak about it and could just suck it up and do it.
I still feel so sad. Thank you Michelle for your input. I often wonder will I one day have the benefit of hindsight and look back with a ‘Eureka’ feeling as to why this all happened. I guess I find it hard to work off faith, I like answers and evidence!!
Thanks so much for taking the time to give me advice on this though, it’s kind and supportive of you all.
I’m finally back in work today after being ill, so hopefully the constant ruminating will take a back seat now.
January 4, 2019 at 3:27 am #272199MichelleParticipantKkasxo – so kind! Thankyou. I am just so happy that sharing one of my tougher times can help out others. Hope everything works out well for you too and if I can help in anyway, just shout.
Shelbyville – being busier is a good distraction from being in your head too much for sure. It is definitely habit forming to chew over the same old tired arguments – something it is worth making the mental effort to break as you are right, it is just a different way to hang on to the past and not look to the future.
It seems to me we are often given the challenge we need and it is up to us to step up to it. Life for me is a balance, answers & evidence are part of it as is listening to that irritating small voice in your gut that knows you what you need to do, even if you want to desperately ignore it 🙂 The decision is actually already made – you know this is not the relationship you either want or can have in your heart. Don’t see it as ‘sucking it up’ but as a positive choice. Glad you are feeling better – looking after and feeling better about yourself physically was another big helpful step for me to get stronger emotionally.
Take care both.
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