Shelby,

I think the key here is to let go of any thoughts of how he may be feeling or what he may be thinking – this is for YOU, never mind what he thinks/feels about the interaction! This is what YOU need so that you can move on with your life, he’s doing well at this as it is it seems!

Try to release some of that anxiety and let your rational mind kick in a little bit. Go back to your thoughts of what answers you may need from him..

There is no shame in being a human being who feels and deeply at that too! He was a major part of your life, do not be ashamed of showing a little bit of your heartbreak if need be throughout your interaction – this is only natural. Stay real and honest that’s the only way you can prevent the future what if’s. Otherwise you’ll only go back home and think ‘If only I was honest maybe it would’ve changed something!’. Tell him you are deeply disappointed and hurt by the fact that he couldn’t progress with you as you thought you were in it for the long run. Tell him its been difficult going from being partners in life to being strangers so quickly. Say anything that you may need to say. Ask him for answers. Ask him for some clarity – it is the least you deserve. Remember, you don’t have to beg or anything, just be firm and honest and keep in mind this is likely to be your last interaction so you need to get everything out on the table and affirm to yourself that once this is over, you can now release and breathe. You are now entitled to move forward with your life and live for you and you only. You are worthy. You are an incredible woman with so much to offer. This is your closure.

Shelby,

Sorry for the late reply been a hectic day!

What did you say to him in your message?

I see you mentioned above that his sisters abroad at the moment and hence the assumption he might’ve gone too! It is a possibility so don’t worry about the lack of response from his end as of yet..

Shelby,

Yes we seem to think similarly. I too thought it would’ve been better for him to try and get us back to normality prior to external people getting involved (bar his parents as he lives with them so I had no choice to see them) but he seems to think otherwise. I’ve realised that this is bringing up too many feelings associated with my trauma for me and I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to move forward with him because of this. His family always has and will always and forever come first. All of their behaviours, even the bad will forever be back by him and justified. And he is so concerned about their wellbeing that he’s forgetting to have any remorse for mine.. I guess that’s just how he was raised, not something that’s ever going to change and most definitely not something I am willing to stand for for the rest of my life.

You’re so lucky you’ve got your nieces and nephews close by! My God son lives abroad so I only get to see him a couple of times a year if that. I am beyond excited to see him over Christmas. In fact, I’m beyond excited to get away from my ex and everyone associated with him, as horrible as that sounds I feel I need the space right now to gather my strength and do what’s best for me. Put ME first god damn it! So much easier said than done.

I’m not sure what to suggest in terms of contact. I know you said you don’t want to feel any worse than you already do but yet the thoughts keep coming back to the idea anyway? I think maybe it’s that whole thing around closure that’s creeping up. Maybe you just need to hear it once more that things are really done? Or maybe you need answers from him? I do definitely believe that you will know best what to do and one of these evenings you’ll either contact him or say to yourself ‘no more, enough is enough’! It’s such a shitty and confusing place to be!

Drained doesn’t even fit this anymore!

I understand how difficult this situation can be for you.

‘ I never start problems. I always apologize even if its not my fault. I don’t stand up for myself because I want so badly to be the chill girl every guy wants. I don’t ever say no even if I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend because I want to fulfill his needs. I don’t talk about my emotions and I do everything I can to make it seems like am all put together and super “cool” and easy going. ‘

This part of your post got to me in particular. I want to remind you that IF there is a problem, whether initiated by yourself or another, there simply is a problem and one that needs to be dealt with. Apologising even when you believe you are not at fault and not standing up for yourself is not the way forward and quite frankly it is almost giving others the go ahead to walk all over you. Being in tact with your emotions, wants, needs and being fully aware of what you deserve has absolutely nothing to do with not being ‘super cool and easy going’. In fact, that makes you super cool and easy going! How cool is it to be confident woman who doesn’t take any sh**?! One who knows exactly what she stands for, what she wants and will not accept any less.  Honestly, you can still be all of those things and not allow yourself to be a doormat to men or anyone else for that matter.

Please do not allow this to continue any longer. You are worth all the happiness in the world and you have to believe in that. Stand up for what you believe in, be open about your expectations and most importantly care for your own self enough to know what is good for you and what isn’t. Also, any man who allows this sort of  behaviour to continue isn’t the man for you. Your partner should encourage you to open up when you may feel like completely shutting down, pull you up on apologising when you are not in the wrong and remind you that just because you feel a certain way about a certain situation does not mean that you are no longer ‘chill’ or ‘cool’. It means that you are human and completely entitled to feel whatever it is you feel.

A whole sea of water can’t even sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. The same way you can’t be brought down unless you let people’s opinions inside.

Chin up girl! Hugs x

Shelby,

What works for one may not work for another. I only suggested to have the last conversation because it seems as though maybe some kind of closure is needed to continue with the progress. It worked for me but then again obviously our circumstances around the break up are different – we needed to discuss the trauma otherwise I know I wouldn’t have been able to move forward. If you do believe it isn’t a good idea and not something that will work for you i.e it is likely to make you feel worse than you already do then yes it is best that you stay away from the idea.

I completely understand that cycle. Honestly, I really can relate as it is identical with my ex. Although this was not a reason for our breakup, this cycle became more apparent to me whilst broken up. I too think we have an amazing relationship until the ‘more’ kicks in. The only benefit of the doubt I can give him though is that he is only approaching his mid-twenties, so perhaps timing is the issue here? Although I do think that this isn’t a major factor, I do just believe he is a never ready type of man for whatever reason. Whether it’s his ambitious character to always achieve the best of the best or his responsibilities to his family, I don’t know, I don’t think things will change.

The only good thing is that with my promotion at work I am now in a position to be fully self-sufficient and be able to move forward with my life the way I want to on my own. Don’t get me wrong, of course I would’ve loved to have done it with him but if he is not ready then what can I do? At least I know I don’t have to depend on him.

As your ex is now out of the picture (whether you have accepted this yet or not is a different story) picture what you would like to achieve for YOU in the next year and set yourself the goals to get there. Where would you like to be in three years time? What can YOU do right now or in the coming months to bring you closer to that dream? The thought of a future, especially when it is completely blind is terrifying and so focusing on goals will make that transition just that little bit easier.

I am actually travelling abroad to see my family. We are heading out next week Friday and will arrive late evening on the Saturday and I will be coming back on boxing day. I am beyond excited to see everyone, slightly apprehensive as like I say it is my ex’s birthday on Christmas Eve and it’ll be strange not only to not see him but also to be in a completely different country from him on the day! But I feel like I have overcome so many milestones without him the past few months that what’s another milestone?! I spent my birthday without him, he will have to do the same.

I am also counting down until this terrible year ends. It has been by far the most difficult, heartbreaking, life changing year of my life. One I am sure I will never forget and hold close to my heart but I am so exhausted now and cant wait for it to finish already!

What are your plans for the Christmas break?

Hi Shelby,

I’m glad you had a good time at your Christmas party! That is a start!

You’ve done brilliantly by not contacting him so far, give yourself a big pat on the back for that alone as that is an incredible achievement! You are a very strong individual, whether you see that at the moment or not.

The next few weeks are due to be extremely difficult with Christmas fast approaching etc. But I try to look at it as a new start as cliché as that sounds! New year, fresh start, new goals etc. Why don’t you try to do the same?

I remember you mentioned being unhappy at work, why not set yourself a goal to ensure that this time next year you are in a happy place at work?! Use your time in the oncoming year to do everything you possibly can to make that happen! Set yourself some goals and keep focused on those!

Shelby,

Yeah we have spoken several times of these things, throughout our relationship and briefly recently but he is never able to give me a precise answer regarding timing – which on one hand I understand and on the other I need. He says ultimately a home, marriage and children is the aim of the game but in ‘good time’. He cannot specify what good time is. So we end up going into a ‘discussion’ as I then say well you are failing to compromise cause it’s all about your timing, what about my timing etc etc..

I know why I’m feeling more emotional, mother nature has reached me yet again! I’m in an awful lot of pain, hardly slept at all last night because of it, it is absolutely pouring where I am, I reversed into a lamppost this morning.. it couldn’t have gone any worse! But I am trying to just breathe through it!

How was your evening last night? How are you this morning?

Victoria – That’s very nice of the wife to invite you round for Christmas. Perhaps she isn’t fully clued up on the current circumstances around your relationship? I do agree with you though that it would cause more complications if you did go so it is probably best to give that a miss..

In regards to your ex, I know it may not seem like it to you but saying ‘it’s shit but I cant do anything about it’ is just a coping mechanism. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less, it doesn’t even mean he’s moving on, it just means he is trying to rationalise with himself and actually see the situation for what it is. It is shit, I love this woman, but there is nothing I can physically do at this moment to change her mind, she needs time on her own and I need to give her that! Trust me because those words have also come out of my mouth when my ex split up with me…

How many more years of uni do you have left? What is the plan for after? I understand you are going through some financial troubles at the moment – are there any friends you can rely on in times like these so you don’t have to turn to family?

Shelby,

It is only natural for spurs of hope to emerge, especially when you hear positive feedback on your relationship. Actually something similar happened to me yesterday as my mum mentioned my ex to me again. As it stands, she has no idea that we are talking at the moment as I made it clear to myself and him that he will not be meeting with my family or coming over until things are settled, IF things eventually settle! I don’t want to confuse anyone or cause any further drama so I thought its best this way. So she brought him up in conversation yesterday and although there is a sour taste due to the hurt he caused she still manages to look past that and she mentioned things like it’s clear you two were made for one another, we love him like a son, the way you two bounced off of one another is unlike anything I have ever seen before, you two were absolute best friends, you had an admirable relationship etc etc. And I agree, it did make me think hey maybe she’s got a point?! Maybe this will be worth it?! Maybe I should try a little harder to not doubt this so much?! So the hope is definitely there – whether I can do it or not is another story..

I think your friend may have a point. It is without a doubt that your ex loved and still loves you deeply. But yes, as your therapist previously mentioned, in a world where it would’ve been just the two of you this relationship could’ve made it in the long run, but his other commitments eventually took first place and got in the way and as a result he was unable to progress the way you needed. It is a real shame and I truly believe one day he will wake up and realise the mistake he made by letting you go. Honestly. I can guarantee it. Because I’m not sure if he was ruled by fear or literally by the pressures that his loved ones put on him, either way he wasn’t able to cut the ties with whatever it was that is holding him back from living a happy eternal life with you. But eventually he will wake up and realise it is HIS life and by then he’ll know he made the worst mistake of his life.

I hope you enjoy your time away, some peace and quiet! I am just preparing for the marketing event, it has been hectic at work today but I will be off home shortly to get myself ready for the evening!