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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • This topic has 2,306 replies, 63 voices, and was last updated 2 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 15 posts - 646 through 660 (of 2,308 total)
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  • #268321
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    I’m glad you had a good evening & felt relaxed after your facial, you deserve it! I take it you had a good birthday week?

    I went out for a few drinks with a friend to catch up whilst my ex has gone to his work Christmas party (baring in mind I know everyone there because we originally met at work). I feel uncomfortable with the whole thing as everyone knew us as the couple for so many years and now they all know we’ve split up and everything is all complicated.

    I’m having a difficult evening tonight.. hoping I can get to sleep sometime soon.

    #268371
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Im beyond grateful for the love and support my family and friends have shown me over this past week. As weeks go, this was one of the better ones in terms of activities and distractions. Despite this, I have still felt incredibly sad all week. It’s hard to shake.

    I have honestly been trying to instill in myself a sense that it’s over. I won’t see or hear from him again and should continue my life accordingly but it’s easier said than done.

    I have my Xmas party tonight and all anxious about it, I don’t know why. I guess I haven’t been doing any socialising lately so it’s anothe hurdle and I hope anxiety doesn’t get the better of me. I’m actually getting upset even typing now, thinking about nights out without him. I used to look forward to going out with him so much.

    Ok, need to implement CBT and stop thinking about it, he’s gone. I need to move on and try not to think about him and try to enjoy myself .

    Did you manage to get to sleep last night? I can understand why you’re feeling a bit less than cheery. It IS complicated and it’s not exactly sailing in a calm sea just yet. Ye are still working on things, you are working on things yourself. It’s the time of year when you want to be all happy and cosy with your partner but most of your circle doesn’t even know ye are back together so it’s just tricky.

    But hopefully all the initial awkwardness and unsettled feelings will abate in the near future and you’ll be back on track. What are your plans today and tomorrow?

    #268437
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi guys,

    My work Xmas party was last night and it went ok. I’m glad I went but I’d be lying if I said most of my thoughts were still spent on my ex.

    When I got to sleep, the night was spent dreaming of us reuniting. It’s not fair, it’s hard enough at a conscious level to tackle my thoughts, I’ve no control over my dreams. Then I wake up feeling bereft. Also I’m all alone today because my family are all away and my friends are busy.

    My sister feels I need to have to time by myself sometimes too but I find it terribly hard. I get scared. It must be of the pain coming in or that I’ll be weak on my own and end up contacting him.

    I better come up with a plan soon.

    #268607
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi Shelby,

    I’m glad you had a good time at your Christmas party! That is a start!

    You’ve done brilliantly by not contacting him so far, give yourself a big pat on the back for that alone as that is an incredible achievement! You are a very strong individual, whether you see that at the moment or not.

    The next few weeks are due to be extremely difficult with Christmas fast approaching etc. But I try to look at it as a new start as cliché as that sounds! New year, fresh start, new goals etc. Why don’t you try to do the same?

    I remember you mentioned being unhappy at work, why not set yourself a goal to ensure that this time next year you are in a happy place at work?! Use your time in the oncoming year to do everything you possibly can to make that happen! Set yourself some goals and keep focused on those!

    #268609
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    You’re right about setting goals, I wish I could get to that stage. I just don’t seem to be there yet. I guess I’m still clinging to the past. Still clinging to the relationship. While I have not contacted him yet, it has not been for the strength of my will and thinking I deserve better. I have just not contacted him because I’m scared of the outcome and also because I keep putting it off, saying the weekend or another day would be better timing for this reason or that.

    Someone asked me in the past few days how I’m feeling and they think I’m doing really well. Then they asked me if my ex changed his mind would I take him back and I didn’t even hesitate – I said absolutely. So that’s how I know I’m nowhere near getting over this.

    The contact from his sister yesterday only served my own agenda of keeping it alive in my head. It’s frustrating. I feel like I’m going to contact him this week, but who knows if he’ll agree to speak with me. If he does, what on earth do I expect to get out of it? Will I be back to square one?

    I feel like my life is on hold and I’m not really living this new life, just waiting for the penny to drop or for things to magically revert to the life I know.

    How was your weekend?

    #268713
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    I’m assuming his sister contacted you to say happy birthday? It is only natural to receive this sort of contact as you were big parts of one another’s lives, don’t let this put you off or delay you in your moving on process.

    If you do contact him, so what, the back and forth, up and down is all part of this crazy messed up journey. Have you given it any more thought about that ‘final conversation’ we mentioned a few days ago?

    My weekend was alright. I feel when it’s good it’s great, but it’s reality that’s killing me every time it kicks it – I don’t know if it’s something that will ever really fade in time or not… Can’t wait to get away for Christmas now! I feel like I need time away!

    #268811
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    I’ve given a lot of consideration to what you said. I do think about having a conversation with him, there are so many things I want to get off my chest, but if I’m honest, deep down it’s obviously a need to change the outcome. That’s something that is highly unlikely to happen, especially by more or less telling him what a mess I am! Begging (albeit not directly) is not a good look! It’s all so confusing, my biggest concern is that I don’t want to feel worse and whenever it comes close to the time I think I will contact him, I let the moment pass because I’m scared. I don’t know if it’s the right or wrong decision.

    Reality can be a cold splash in the face. I used to love weekends spent with my ex, so comforting and special and each time I would say in my mind ‘Look how good it is now’, but inevitably reality kicked in and I started to think that we still didn’t live together and we still had no plans for the future and it began to eat away at me and I’d constantly text or call my sister to complain that I just wanted him to move faster and be where I am. And then the cycle would start again and we’d do something fun and joyous and I’d love being with him again and I’d get ahead of myself and then I’d be halted in my tracks again when reality set in. Frustrating! Why does life have to be so complicated.

    Are you going away for the Christmas? Is it far to your family’s home?

    #268815
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    What works for one may not work for another. I only suggested to have the last conversation because it seems as though maybe some kind of closure is needed to continue with the progress. It worked for me but then again obviously our circumstances around the break up are different – we needed to discuss the trauma otherwise I know I wouldn’t have been able to move forward. If you do believe it isn’t a good idea and not something that will work for you i.e it is likely to make you feel worse than you already do then yes it is best that you stay away from the idea.

    I completely understand that cycle. Honestly, I really can relate as it is identical with my ex. Although this was not a reason for our breakup, this cycle became more apparent to me whilst broken up. I too think we have an amazing relationship until the ‘more’ kicks in. The only benefit of the doubt I can give him though is that he is only approaching his mid-twenties, so perhaps timing is the issue here? Although I do think that this isn’t a major factor, I do just believe he is a never ready type of man for whatever reason. Whether it’s his ambitious character to always achieve the best of the best or his responsibilities to his family, I don’t know, I don’t think things will change.

    The only good thing is that with my promotion at work I am now in a position to be fully self-sufficient and be able to move forward with my life the way I want to on my own. Don’t get me wrong, of course I would’ve loved to have done it with him but if he is not ready then what can I do? At least I know I don’t have to depend on him.

    As your ex is now out of the picture (whether you have accepted this yet or not is a different story) picture what you would like to achieve for YOU in the next year and set yourself the goals to get there. Where would you like to be in three years time? What can YOU do right now or in the coming months to bring you closer to that dream? The thought of a future, especially when it is completely blind is terrifying and so focusing on goals will make that transition just that little bit easier.

    I am actually travelling abroad to see my family. We are heading out next week Friday and will arrive late evening on the Saturday and I will be coming back on boxing day. I am beyond excited to see everyone, slightly apprehensive as like I say it is my ex’s birthday on Christmas Eve and it’ll be strange not only to not see him but also to be in a completely different country from him on the day! But I feel like I have overcome so many milestones without him the past few months that what’s another milestone?! I spent my birthday without him, he will have to do the same.

    I am also counting down until this terrible year ends. It has been by far the most difficult, heartbreaking, life changing year of my life. One I am sure I will never forget and hold close to my heart but I am so exhausted now and cant wait for it to finish already!

    What are your plans for the Christmas break?

    #268835
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    I will keep mulling over having conversation with him, but I will try not to kid myself, it will be to hold on to a connection with him, for it not be be completely over. So rationally speaking, that’s probably not healthy and yet the heart wants what it wants.

    Definitely timing could be an issue with your boyfriend as he is young yet in terms of men settling down to a particular deadline, but I hope he speeds up to be on the same page as you, because I guess that’s what relationships are about…being on the same page.

    I can’t believe you are going abroad, that’s fantastic. It will be a lovely change and you are quite right….you have managed many milestones this year without him and survived, this will just be another accomplishment for you and it will be fab. He will survive! I don’t blame you for wanting the year to end as it has been traumatic and upsetting for you. I find I’m on the other end of the scale in the sense that the further I get away from a time when I was with my ex, the further away I am from ‘us’. That might sound weird I guess, but there are times too that I wish time away to a magical future time when everyone says I’ll feel better.

    To make yourself self-sufficient is the key to loving yourself in a way I think. Once you know you can make it on your own either way – there is a great power in that. Well done!

    I actually don’t have much time off over Christmas this year, so I’ll be back in the office just after Boxing Day, but honestly I don’t mind too much as I’m pretty sure I’m going to find the whole season pretty depressing. Also I kinda volunteered as my lovely colleague has to travel a distance to go back home and it’s easier for me to come in rather than her travel back.

    I feel like I’m on an even keel this week in terms of emotions, but I’m afraid it’s because I have new hope or something or am in denial. I question everything! darn overthinking!

    I’m excited about this evening, my friends and I are going to a castle for dinner as a special treat, so at least it’s something different! However, it’s closer to where he lives! Eek!

    #268899
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Yes perhaps leave the talk for the time being. At the end of the day remind yourself that the option is always there IF you feel it’s suitable at the time, this may put your mind at ease a little.

    I’ve unfortunately spent the whole evening in a&e with my little sister and just got home. She’s slightly better and we’ll be keeping her under close observation but I’m just drained now. Everything about my ex and his sister in particular right now is agitating me. He’s gone up to stay at her house tonight and that in itself has annoyed me – I realise that’s out of order or maybe even irrational but it’s the truth. And here I go again into complete withdrawal. Likelihood is I won’t speak to him for the majority of tomorrow because that is just what I do now when I start feeling a bit too much. It’s like a never ending cycle for me at the moment. It’s a shame because when things are good they are great and half of the time he’s not even done anything wrong but all of those doubts creep up on me and I end up withdrawing. Any tiny little detail at the moment can bring up doubts. When will I actually learn and accept that this just will not work?!

    On a brighter note, I managed to get myself to the gym today for a quick 40 minute session! First time in two weeks or so! I must get myself back in the swing of things because I’m putting on some pounds and it’s not helping my already low self esteem! Especially knowing that I’ll put on weight over Christmas, that’s a given!

    #269089
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    My internet has been down for maintenance apparently, so I’ve had no coverage for the past day.

    First off, is your sister okay? Your poor things, A&E is not a fun place to be- trust me I’ve had my fair share of trips. It’s exhausting, I hope she got the care she needs & is recovering.

    As for your boyf, it’s understandable to be agitated. The person you love is spending time with someone you feel doesn’t like you and hurt you badly. It’s a tricky one because she’s family, and family is family. Having said that, my ex kinda pulled away from his sister when she hurt my feelings with some things she said at that family event before we split & I didn’t even ask him to. If your sister or brother hurt your man badly & still made him feel uncomfortable, how do you think you would behave?

    Look it, you can tell yourself all you want what ya or may not happen, but I think most people on this forum understand the complexity of love, of attachment, of loss. My ex is in the dust and yet I still feel going back is an option!!!! What sort of delusional world do I live in?!

    Im thrilled you made it to the gym, it’s given me some motivation to do something similar as I have been really bad with rubbish food lately & piling on the pounds too- again adding to low self esteem.

    Could you ask your counsellor for ways to communicate how you’re feeling, instead of using the tried-and-tested withdrawal method?

    #269241
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Yeah she’s okay now thankfully! Aside from being poorly she’s enjoyed her week off school so she’s not complaining hehe!

    I think trying to put myself in his shoes is difficult but also eye opening. I don’t think my sister would’ve ever gotten involved like that, in fact she didn’t! Throughout the entire situation around the summer she did not get involved, because my family are just a little bit like that. They will leave us to it to sort through our problems. Obviously if I say I need their input they’d be more than happy to stick up for me but other than that they’re quite respectful in the way that they will stay back and let us try come to a resolve on our own. Whereas his family jumped the gun very quickly and the attacks on me began! So I suppose in a way it is natural that I have been left with a sour taste towards them…

    He has tried to arrange for us to ‘bump into one another’ several times now, each time I’ve avoided it. And quite frankly i’ll continue to avoid it for as long as necessary. I explained to him that seeing his mum and dad was inevitable as he lives with them, everyone else I have no interest in seeing or rebuilding any relationship with. They are not a part of my life, they are a part of his. Naturally, if we reconcile properly then yes I will see these people eventually at family do’s etc (although I reckon i’ll avoid those too as I have no interest in entertaining his family) but I will say hi and bye and be civil. Until that time comes I really do not need to go out of my way to bump into anyone.

    I had a busy day yesterday, work, counselling and then I actually got myself to the gym with my friend and had a really good session! I feel EXTRA slim today haha!

    I did mention the withdrawal to my therapist yesterday. I explained that it started as a defence mechanism but it seems to be affecting all parts of my life now. As soon as I see some kind of red flags I run as far away as I can and completely shut down – my friends and family are noticing this now too! I need to be able to deal with things differently! We did explore that further and will continue working through it in the new year!

    How are you doing today?! Have you sorted all of your Christmas shopping yet?

    #269255
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Your family sounds quite similar to mine! I even mentioned that to me ex at the time when his sister made the comments to me and I said that my sister is incredibly over-protective and yet she would NEVER interfere and say hurtful things to him ever. Some families are different I guess, but I do not blame you in any way for avoiding situations which are not going to fulfill you or make you happy. Besides, let him focus on getting your relationship back on track fully and forget about outside involvement from his sister at the moment, it’s not the priority.

    Well done on getting to the gym, it will never do anything but good going to the gym! With a friend is even better and you’ll feel better in yourself! I do not feel great in myself, I’ve been eating a lot lately and put on the weight I had previously lost so I feel a bit unattractive and uncomfortable now and would love to be healthy and lean! I must try!

    Well done continuing your counselling, it really is a guiding hand in life. It’s draining, don’t get me wrong, but being self aware I think opens your mind and heart so much and learn about your patterns. If you know about them, you can change them! Well that’s what I keep telling myself anyway!

    I was babysitting one sister’s kids last night and I’m babysitting my other sisters toddler tonight. The up side of me having a broken heart – siblings have a babysitter on call! But to be honest, I do like being around the kids, they lift me up because they are so straight forward and innocent and no drama and kids never judge you!

    I have a biggish family so we do Kris Kindle in our family, and I got my gift for my sister on Black Friday – so for the first time ever I feel a bit better prepared. I must get little bits for my niece and nephews and my Dad and a couple of close friends. But nothing too major!

    We’re promised really bad weather this weekend so we’re been warned to batten down the hatches as it were! But I’m not gonna lie, I feel like contacting him this week. It’s like, I feel I am never not going to do it, so maybe I should bite the bullet, feel the fear and do it anyway and get it out of the way and hopefully move on, albeit broken-heartedly!

    What are your weekend plans?

    #269309
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Yes we seem to think similarly. I too thought it would’ve been better for him to try and get us back to normality prior to external people getting involved (bar his parents as he lives with them so I had no choice to see them) but he seems to think otherwise. I’ve realised that this is bringing up too many feelings associated with my trauma for me and I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to move forward with him because of this. His family always has and will always and forever come first. All of their behaviours, even the bad will forever be back by him and justified. And he is so concerned about their wellbeing that he’s forgetting to have any remorse for mine.. I guess that’s just how he was raised, not something that’s ever going to change and most definitely not something I am willing to stand for for the rest of my life.

    You’re so lucky you’ve got your nieces and nephews close by! My God son lives abroad so I only get to see him a couple of times a year if that. I am beyond excited to see him over Christmas. In fact, I’m beyond excited to get away from my ex and everyone associated with him, as horrible as that sounds I feel I need the space right now to gather my strength and do what’s best for me. Put ME first god damn it! So much easier said than done.

    I’m not sure what to suggest in terms of contact. I know you said you don’t want to feel any worse than you already do but yet the thoughts keep coming back to the idea anyway? I think maybe it’s that whole thing around closure that’s creeping up. Maybe you just need to hear it once more that things are really done? Or maybe you need answers from him? I do definitely believe that you will know best what to do and one of these evenings you’ll either contact him or say to yourself ‘no more, enough is enough’! It’s such a shitty and confusing place to be!

    Drained doesn’t even fit this anymore!

     

    #269313
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    So, apparently a healthy solid relationship is one where partners move away (metaphorically and physically) from the family of origin and build a family of their own. According to my psychologist anyway he says this is most common process for adults who grew up with loving, understanding and supportive upbringing etc. He tried to explain to me that I should be or have been my ex’s priority. Like the question he asked me once- if me and my ex’s mum were drowning at sea and he could save one, who would he save. Without hesitation O said his mother, to which my therapist shook his head. He said it’s more natural to save the partner who you would build a life with. Obviously though very sad, he is supposed to let go of his family of origin. It doesn’t mean you don’t care and don’t do wonderful things for them, but you work on building your own life, your own future.

    My ex to this day still feels responsible for his parents and the older they get, the more so. In all his protests about needing to be a lone wolf and not in a relationship, I believe he was fooling himself that he’s a lone wolf and deep down, he doesn’t realise his attachment to the role of responsibility is stalling him. Anyway, just a few things resonated with me about your guy. It’s understandable to have great regard for your family, but YOU should be his priority now. You first and then his family after, but your feelings need to be most important. So I hope he cops on to that.

     

    In a way I envy your trip abroad for Xmas. Just to get away from everything and pretend it’s not happening and leave the pain and trauma and heartache and stress behind. But realistically for me I think I’m way to fragile to move from my cocoon! I do believe it’s going to do great things for you, I think you should really see it as a break away from everything and enjoy just being in the moment.

    As for me, the plan was to contact him this eve to arrange a meet up tomo- if he’s even still around- but of course- I’m bawking at the last minute again. Too scared to do it! 🙁

Viewing 15 posts - 646 through 660 (of 2,308 total)

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