Morning ladies,

Haha Michelle you know me too well! Secure? Definitely not. But I think where I literally hit rock bottom only a few short months ago, I’m now trying to constantly remind myself that what will be will be. It is an extremely difficult concept to grasp because my innate nature tries to fight it at all costs and almost ‘organise’ or break down how I can be take control of this uncertain destiny. It is a challenge but ultimately we simply cannot control everything.

I think for me it is a conscious decision to keep going forward. Despite the devastation of my entire life the last year, despite suffering so much with PTSD and depression, despite loosing myself, despite all of my struggles. As my therapist says, that’s all done now, you’re not there anymore, you’re here and you’re loved and you’re safe and you WILL be okay. Now don’t get me wrong, the trauma still haunts me, it is still extremely difficult to face it head on when i’d rather forget, it still leaves me in terror and shakes and tears and regret and guilt and everything else under the sun. But I just have to keep reminding myself that all it is is a very sad part of my life. Keep working on myself and becoming the woman that I want to be. The woman who will assure that I’ll never find myself in a similar circumstance again, and if God forbid I do, I will be in a better place in my life to make the right choices FOR ME and me only, ones that sit right in my heart.

It really is a continuous conscious choice to keep going. So to answer your question Shelby, yes it is absolutely exhausting! But it is worth it. I am so grateful now that I am no longer down in the gutter surrounded by crazy thoughts of not being able to go on… I am so glad there is some light now, even if it is just a tiny glimmer but it’s not completely dark and for that I am thankful!

The few days away somewhere quiet definitely sound good! I think it would be a good opportunity to really sit with yourself and dwell deeper into what it is you want, what you’re feeling, what you are and are not ready for at this point in your life. I know there is much advice out there claiming that the best way to get over love is to find new love. For me personally, that wasn’t something I was interested in at all and it doesn’t sound like it is something that you are ready for right now either. I think this time for you should be about this exhausting, as you say, but worth it journey to self discovery.

You have to take the time to check in with yourself at all times about everything going on with your life. I distanced myself from everyone and secluded myself in my own little world (aside from tiny Buddha) for months of my life. And maybe that was what I needed? When I finally felt somewhat ready within myself to start meeting up with friends again etc I made a promise to check in with myself. How does meeting this person make me feel? Can I meet with them for short/long periods of time without feeling emotionally exhausted after? Am I happy around this person? And with that I kind of determined who my happy to go to people are, that allowed me to finally rebuild some kind of a support network.

Promise your own self that you will listen to yourself first and foremost. That you will care for YOU at all times.

Hugs as always xxx

Evening ladies,

I feel so rubbish about being up and down with my little Tiny Buddha crew! 🙁 I still check up regularly and read your posts but finding the time to sit down and respond is proving extremely difficult at the moment with how much is going on.

I seem to be surrounded by death and bad news since the beginning of May. My colleagues little girl passed away last Sunday, my directors wife gave birth two weeks ago and the baby boy hasn’t been able to leave the hospital since.. that + moving + trying to tie up and complete on two new developments whilst starting a new one is been hectic to say the least! A little bit like you Shelby, I haven’t got a moment to myself at all!

Firstly, love island! Haha I’m in the ‘don’t judge me zone’ absolutely loving it! Hating Maura though! I was really hoping she’d have to leave the villa tonight. The girl lacks any self respect honestly find it quite revolting!

I messaged a friend the other day to find out about her travels as last year she went on a ‘find myself’ sort of travelling adventure which sounded amazing. She used a company that kind of dealt with all of the admin side of things and travelled to many countries over a period of time and absolutely loved it! I’m waiting to hear back from her so will let you know when I hear back.

I agree with Michelle, you’re absolutely not tied down to an unhappy life on your own. You are an incredible, smart, clever, funny woman and believe me you will get all the happiness in the world.

I love that you mentioned in one of your posts that you are too tired to care now. That’s a good sign! Honestly, I’m exactly the same. I am completely and utterly of the mindset that what will be will be and it is out of my control.

I think with my therapy sessions coming to an end (either this week or next week) I am finding myself reflecting more and more on my journey the past year or so. I know I still have a long long way to go but I can honestly say that this journey has revealed a whole new me to myself. I am on a road to discovery of who I am, what I want, where I want to be in life. I’m still making mistakes along the way, I am human, but I am learning. This is all a part of my story and as much as i’d love to change and erase  many parts, I simply cannot. And it is the same with you. Your ex was just a part of your journey, but it wasn’t your final destination! You are onto bigger and better things and I feel this for you may also be the beginning of a beautiful self discovery journey and you will come out the other end filled with so many memories and an amazing sense of self.

Just on a side note to answer your question, the flat is absolutely beautiful. I am loving my own space etc and family will be leaving the country soon. As much as I am enjoying it I do think that it was just an easier decision to not do this on my own…. I don’t think it settles anything in stone with me and Mr A. We are getting along okay, nothing wrong that end but it’s just not the same. My gut will not allow it to be ‘the same’… do I think we will last in the long run? Honestly, I highly doubt it. But like you I’m too tired to care! I am soooooo focused on me right now and doing everything completely my way that it doesn’t even matter. Everything else will align! It just has to!

I hope your Father’s Day went okay. Let’s start the new week on a bright note.

Honestly girls I really wish we were all closer so we could just meet up for a Friday night drink and catch up!

Hi all,

Really sorry for going awol again! I won’t bore you with the ins and outs of the past few weeks as I have just read back on the posts and Oh Shelby!…

I’m so sorry to hear this. Michelle is right. You are a brave and courageous woman for going ahead and giving it that one last chance. For following your heart despite past experiences etc. You went against the odds and followed what seemed right for you and if that isn’t bravery, then I don’t know what is.

I honestly believe you have so many amazing times ahead of you, although it may not feel like it right now. You are a beautiful soul and feel like an incredible friend to me after only a few months of our communication, I can only imagine how much of a wonderful addition you must be to your dear family and friends!

You are a strong, kind hearted, educated, funny, quirky woman, any man would be lucky to have you.

As always I am here for the highs and the lows. Anything you need at all. I will keep checking back to hear back from you.

Sending you loads of hugs! Xx

Michelle,

As ever your kind words are just what I needed today!

For the first time in weeks today my anxiety is at an all time high. I don’t know if I’ve had a bit of a reprieve this last month or so because of general life being slightly more smooth sailing or whether the tablets that I’ve been taking have helped (Higher Nature – Serotone 5HTP, they’re brilliant for aiding sleep btw!). I’ve really enjoyed the recent reprieve as I felt I could handle the world, even with my family friend sadly passing away only a few weeks back, I feel that ‘edge’ has been taken off but today, today the anxiety is back and kicking the right cr*p out of me!

Perhaps all the anxiousness around the move is kicking in. I’m finding myself asking the questions ‘Is this the right thing to do?!’ ‘What if it fails?’ ‘What if I end up in an even worse situation?’ ‘How will my mental health deal with all of this?’ and as well as that, today feels like a gentle reminder that I am indeed f’d up really and I mustn’t forget about it – frustrating to say the least!

Reading your recent post, you’re probably absolutely right. I am trying to control something that is ultimately out of my control at this point in time and it is adding stress. I suppose everyone goes through life making choices and eventually it just helps us learn/build who we are as individuals! Although today that feels a little easier said than done!

I’ve decided to switch my phone off for the rest of the evening and spend the evening watching movies and indulging to get my mind off things hehe!

I am honestly amazed by the amount of travel and outdoor activities you guys do! I’m actually planning a hike and camping trip with a friend over the summer around Wales also! No concrete plans are in place just yet but we have discussed it so that will be something to look forward to! Other than that no holidays planned for me this year, I’ll just have to rely on your incredible exploring stories to keep me going! I’m actually going to go ahead and look into this whole house sitting option because it sounds like such good value for money! South Africa for 8 weeks though?! That sounds so dreamy!

Good evening all,

Ever so sorry about the recent silence! It has been ever so hectic in Kammy world but I promise to catch up on all your posts and reply properly!

So the low down on Kammy world! Here comes! I continued keeping busy looking for my place as that was top priority, viewings upon viewings and it got so tiring in the end. Things with Mr A we’re so up and down, as per usual, I got to a point where I just withdrew myself from the situation and focused on me and bam! He found a flat and put down a deposit… for us. Well what a bold statement Mr A! To my surprise, I actually fell in love with the place which was strange as every other place I had viewed was always ‘lovely’ or ‘nice’ But not home. This place I can picture being home, it feels like home.

So ladies, as wary as I am, big test is coming my way and fast approaching with our move in date of the 3rd of June.

The situation itself is full of humour if you ask me. I continuously tell him that WHEN (not if) we split up, he needs to do blah blah blah. I also have the everyday moment of doubt like ‘what the hell are you doing Kam?!’ But on the other hand I have little inklings of excitement (mainly because I LOVE the flat, don’t know how I feel about my room mate to be though hehe).

Having discussed this with a few friends I’ve come to the conclusion that the worst has already passed. This is a test and the last one at that as I KNOW this is absolutely the last straw for us. We NEED to be away from his family to even remotely give things a go and that will not happen unless we move. And the back and forth of the situation of the last few months is absolutely not on anymore. I’m so tired of it, it just cannot continue. So we either give things a go and properly, or we do not. Either way, I’m of the view that this will make things absolutely crystal clear for the both of us. It will either work or it will not work. The decision to be together or not will show itself in the process.

Epiphany moment approaching. I’ll either be pleasantly surprised or I’ll never doubt my gut feeling again. Lessons.

I am nervous, anxious, but at the same time SO relieved that the end to this horrid chapter of my life is coming.

Plus if/when we do split, hopefully I would’ve already adjusted to the idea of living on my own so it won’t be like going cold turkey moving alone & away from family. So I guess that’s a perk too right?

Do I think I’m stupid? Possibly. Do I think this will work? Erm, I’m apprehensive. Do I think this is the right thing to do? Oh who knows girls! I’m absolutely winging this one!

On another note, my therapy course is coming to an end an I am finding myself pondering about how far I’ve actually come… and if I’ve made any progress at all?! Hmm..

Shelby, how have you been?! What is new with you? Is the ex back from his holiday now? How is your make up course? How is work? Have you booked that holiday to OZ yet?! I can’t wait to hear from you!

Michelle, I am so jealous that you’ve got yet another holiday booked! Such a free spirit, I wish I could travel that much! How does it feel being back in the U.K.? The weather’s been so horrible since last weekend, so up and down, gave us a little taster of summer with the 25 degrees over the Easter weekend and then started pelting with rain for the remainder of the week!

P.S I’ve missed you girls! I can’t go this long without communicating with you guys anymore!

Michelle,

In all honesty, you have hit the nail right on the head!

I am reading, and re-reading everything that you have said and it completely applies to my situation also. It was a discovery of mine a while back that I have an anxious attachment style whilst A2 has an avoidant attachment style. As you say, you’re a prime example of the fact that it can change and actually I have another example of this very close to home. One of my best friends had an anxious attachment style due to her upbringing and then being in and eventually leaving an abusive relationship. She has been with her now partner for three years and he is literally the prime example of a secure attachment style and because of this you can literally see the transformation in her and how she is as a partner in this relationship! You’re right, he has taught her how to be secure by not giving into her anxiety but rather assisting her in working through it. It does happen!

I believe I am setting myself for a lifetime of misery living in anxiety, whether with A2 or someone else, if I don’t work through these issues so I’d be more than happy to explore this concept further and shift the conversation in this way. Afterall, anxiety generally is exhausting and what bliss it sounds to be to just feel so secure in yourself as a person and all the relationships/friendships surrounding you. Pure bliss!

With that in mind, I saw another quote I love today; ‘With how fast life really does pass us by and how we will never get these days back again I do wonder sometimes, am I being daring enough? Spontaneous enough? Am i speaking my truth enough? Going after all the things I want in life enough? Am I simply not giving a sh*t enough?’

I think you’re right! Time to get to work! It’s time to make a life we truly want, not one we hope for.

Hi Shelby,

Its interesting that you ask, I don’t think I love mr asshole now.. It isn’t someone I can picture a future with.I love my ex who was so far from mr asshole, he was mr amazing guy! And I think I’m having a hard time differentiating between the two because obviously when I see him I still see my wonderful guy but then on an everyday basis it just doesn’t seem he is that anymore. It goes back to me thinking about the ‘mask’ but like Michelle said it’s just impossible to keep up such a facade for so many years. So then it leads me to believe, has the trauma really just messed him up and he has changed? Because I know I have, it’s so evident, so it is possible. Who knows eh.

I wanted a future with mr amazing guy, not who he is today and I guess I am just hopeful that this is just a rough patch now and it’ll pass and he’ll return to his normal, kind, caring, considerate and loving state.

It really does sound like you have a lot on the next few days! Perhaps good in a sense as it will pass your time but be sure not to overwork yourself either. As you said, you’re full on body tired now so be kind to yourself and make sure once the week is over you give yourself the rest that you deserve.

I understand the confusion of the not quite boyfriend but not a stranger either. Remember back in October/November I was in that situation with mr asshole as we were trying to figure out whether we should reconcile or not. Its horrible as you don’t really know what’s the right way to behave! Hopefully it doesn’t last too long! It’s funny actually because all these months later I still refer to him as my ex, yet he would probably say that we have been back together the last few months! He’s definitely made more of a point of uploading me back on social media, meet ups with friends and family etc whilst I’m very private. No one would probably guess that we are speaking again! Except for my friends who sort of know we are on and off at the moment.

Do you think it’s too soon to have The conversation with him? A real and raw conversation about both of your expectations of whatever this is going forward?

Michelle,

I’m glad I made you giggle a little.

Yes, I do think it’s extremely important that the closest person to you will also be the one who holds your hand through tough times! You’re so lucky to have someone like that by your side – funnily enough, he was exactly that for me before all this, I was so sure I would’ve had my arms and legs cut off to prove a point if I had to! Until he failed me for the first time and since then it’s juat been like a coming out experience of who he really is/ who he has become – I can’t quite figure out whether it’s possible that I was so blindsighted by him for so many years prior to everything, whether he maintained a mask on for that many years (sounds exhausting if you ask me) or whether the experiences throughout the summer simply changed who he is as a person today.

I’m not even going to say time will tell anything because time has been telling me nothing but negative things about him… in all honesty, I kinda wish I didn’t love him anymore. Because I don’t know if I like who he is anymore. It’s the love that’s kept me holding on for so long. It’s the love that we share and who he was prior to everything because he was hands down incredible. I was so thankful for him everyday and really genuinely thought I was one of the lucky ones to have such an honest, genuine, caring man by my side. It’s extremely difficult to let go of that as I try to figure out why the change and who he really is right now.

I can imagine it’s different being back home, boring UK, terrible weather! You’ll soon get used to it again! Any more trips planned anytime soon?