That’s OK, u seem to be busy on this forum. I’m in no rush

Klast

Dear Anita

I am mentioning this because a belief in (bad) fate/ destiny prevents healing and progress that are possible for a person.

Definitely not me. At the risk of offending any lurkers:

What is heaven? The ultimate carrot

What is hell? The ultimate stick

What is god? The ultimate self responsibility avoidance

All the religions and existential ideologies are just attempts at trying to explain what we cant comprehend.
Religion shuts down free and critical thinking and exploration of all possible options. Like eating takeaway food instead of cooking your own.
“If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him” – Voltaire

As you know, there are plenty of people who are appear physically healthy/ intacta, with plenty of money who are miserable.

For the western hemisphere there is a peak in the happiness/wealth bell curve. Not enough wealth to cover the basics of life and life goals/desires creates misery. Too much creates paranoia about managing it and who is only after your wealth. The end result of paranoia is loneliness.
Plus it’s all about connections and networks, mine have been weak my whole life due to development/brain issues my whole life.

I experienced much healing (intentional healing) from 2.5 decades-long Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

I have been through all the depersonalisation, derealisation and dissociation.
-Depersonalisation when I felt like my past childhood memories etc, weren’t mine. Like I was some sort of imposter (syndrome?).
-Derealisation when I felt like I was staring into the infinite abyss of nothingness, where the edge I was standing on was crumbling away. I reckon if my super supportive wife hadn’t been there for me to physically hold onto I would have had a full break.
-Dissociation for most of my life. Feeling different to everyone else. I remember wishing aliens would arrive to wake society out of its power/greed obsession.

I have to accept TS, ADD and learning disabilities as parts of my life, and I am glad that I had the courage to change the OCD part.

I have always accepted my deficiencies because they have been there in different forms my whole life. It is only just recently that I have been throwing a tantrum about it all, triggered by my emotional development restarting. Which was triggered by reaching an age of feeling like doors were finally closing on me. I have been doing everything I can to encourage neuroplasticity and neurogenesis. However I feel that is now no longer as effective due to the natural mental declination of the aging process.

It is only lately, in my later years, following years of intentional healing, that I feel like a child (when interacting/ connecting with people): a new feeling to me, a joyful feeling!

I have this experience but so far its not in a joyful way, I get mocked or treated with disdain, mostly at work. If I wasn’t constantly being triggered at work, and feeling obligated to work to cover living costs, I would be happier.

My aphasia has gotten much better over time. After BC surgery I could barely string a sentence together. Then I went through a stage of not fully sounding out my syllables. Then swapping syllables and words around in a sentence. These days you wont get anymore than a couple of sentences out of me, anything more and I start tripping over the words as I line them up and try to spit them out. It gets worse if I am stressed or tired.

At the start of my radiation treatment, intuition made me look through the paperwork. I couldn’t believe it when I stumbled upon the fact that they were going to radiate the wrong side of my head(classic MRI scan misinterpretation). It took them 4 hours to correct the error that day before beginning. I could have ended up a vegetable in a wheelchair or worse.

Kind regards,

Klast

Hi Anita

“Do you believe that these (and other) unfortunate events were planned and executed by a supernatural power/ a god?”

I don’t believe in any sort of interventionist deity.
I am just well aware that there is more going on out there than we humans can possibly understand or comprehend. Intuition, the feeling of being watched, close relatives instantly knowing something has happened to the other even on the other side of the world, twins etc
I am more of an agnostic, who doesn’t need a convenient explanation of the unknown. I am quite happy for the big picture to stay a mystery. Humanity will work it all out eventually, like how quantum physics and spirituality are similar. Like twins and superposition.
I’ve always though of fate as part of this mysterious unknown. I assumed that if fate was connected to a god/deity, people would directly refer to this god/deity as the cause.

“All the sea turtles had about the same built in ability and potential.”

All my life until now, I have believed this, I would rationalise to myself “If the universe is a zero sum game, I am just balancing out someone else’s extremely good luck”. However, now that I only have a decade or so before retirement, the chance for any quality of life changing change is almost zero.

“The usefulness of my potential is all gone now“- in some areas, I imagine, not in other areas.

As mentioned above, I am in the sunset years of my working life. I know I have lots of potential in other areas, just not in areas that would improve my quality of life. I would be a good writer etc. I might have been able to help others with similar traumas( I had a really tough childhood as well) but my expressive aphasia, like bruce willis has, counts me out. My brain tumour was right next to the brocas speech area, so I can have what I want to say lined up in my mind but vocalising it, making myself heard is really difficult for me.

I’ve known about the serenity prayer for ages. I just thought it never applied to me, until now, now that I feel that I have run out of options.

Trauma Regression
When a child is subjected to some form of emotionally damaging trauma, their emotional development stops. The wound never heals because they are too young at the time and don’t have the tools to work through it. The healing wont restart until a level of self awareness is reached, for some this never happens.

I know that this discussion is the continuation of my general emotional development that has been frozen since I suffered abuse(s) as a child. I have been using my intelligent abstract brain to compartmentalise and push away any attempts to restart it, until now.

Thanks for your input.
Klast