Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→“Fate” is the past tense of “Destiny”
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August 26, 2024 at 9:31 am #436607klastParticipantThere is probably no point in writing this as there can be no justice when dealing with fate, just acceptance of being a victim. Which at the moment I cant accept. I realise this is no good for my health but there it is.I am a childhood epilepsy (TLE)survivor, who was fully cured at 20. Then 20 years later, grade 3 brain cancer comes along and totally stalls my life. The odds of getting both brain illnesses are over a million to one. I had an IQ in the 140s and am a strong abstract thinker.Three times fate interfered with my career prospects right when I though I was home free; when I was all set with all systems go.1. 30 years ago Epilepsy memory issues flared up halfway through and stopped me from finishing an engineering degree.2. 20 years ago I tried to become a communication tech in the airforce, but they rejected me due have recently had laser vision surgery. At the time this surgery was new, these days they will pay for you to go and have it………3. 11 years ago, I tried to become an electrical fitter and turner. I was 3 weeks into it when BC pounced on me.All three of these attempts would have given me a much more satisfying and challenging long term career. They also would have been much more financially secure both for me and my family. The family I made after rebuilding my devastated life from growing up with epilepsy.
But no….. fate just had to step in at critical moments and take that all away. I have only worked 18 years of my life and most of that was labouring jobs below $20 an hour.At the moment I am 4 years ahead of the BC curve(11 year survivor), I should of got sick again 4 years ago. The doctors are surprised I am still working.I was off work for 3 years and believed I would never work again. When I found work I spent the next 2 years waiting for a tap on the shoulder, but its 8 years now and it hasn’t happened. At my current work I am known as a useful idiot due to my brain issues. So I’m currently living just above the poverty line.My overall point is that I had so much built in ability, that I had so much potential, that I worked hard at achieving throughout my life. For it all to be wiped out by random chance. There’s no one to blame, no one to get compensated from. I feel fucked over by fate and then double fucked over by society’s response to my fate. I also feel that my family has been effected by my fate as well.In the past I was good at compartmentalising my ongoing issues, but I’ve reached an age where there is no chance of creating a career path. The usefulness of my potential is all gone now.I have been told to treat my current existential crisis as the death of a close family member before their time. Surely there is some other way to deal with this?.I work as a labourer in a workplace with lots of “higher ranking” employees that I could have been one of.I feel resentment building up in me every time someone around me has achieved in their lives what fate wouldn’t let me.Help?August 26, 2024 at 11:23 am #436622anitaParticipantDear Klast:
“There can be no justice when dealing with fate, just acceptance of being a victim“- acceptance of what we cannot change, acceptance of what we can not undo.
“I am a childhood epilepsy (TLE) survivor, who was fully cured at 20. Then 20 years later, grade 3 brain cancer comes along… fate just had to step in at critical moments and take that all away“- Fate (online definition): “the development of events beyond a person’s control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power”.Personally, I agree that a whole lot of what happens, is beyond one’s control. Your childhood epilepsy, and later, brain cancer are two examples of very unfortunate events that happened to you, and which were beyond your control. On the other hand, I don’t believe that there is a supernatural power who arranges for these two events to happen to you, having planned it this way.Do you believe that these (and other) unfortunate events were planned and executed by a supernatural power/ a god?“At the moment I am 4 years ahead of the BC curve (11 year survivor), I should of got sick again 4 years ago. The doctors are surprised I am still working. I was off work for 3 years and believed I would never work again“- congratulations for making it 4 years ahead of the BC curve, and for working!“My overall point is that I had so much built in ability, that I had so much potential, that I worked hard at achieving throughout my life. For it all to be wiped out by random chance“- when I read this part, I was reminded of a nature movie that I watched when I was a teenager, a movie that left a deep impression on me: it was about sea turtle hatching from eggs on a beach, their goal was to reach the water. As I remember it, some didn’t manage to hatch, some were eaten right after hatching, some walked toward the water for a while, but then grabbed by predatory birds, and only a small number got to the water. And then, not all who arrived to the water survived because there are predators in the water as well.All the sea turtles had about the same built in ability and potential.“The usefulness of my potential is all gone now“- in some areas, I imagine, not in other areas.“Surely there is some other way to deal with this?… I feel resentment building up in me every time someone around me has achieved in their lives what fate wouldn’t let me. Help?“- I repeat the serenity prayer to myself every day (not for the religious aspect, but for the principle in the prayer): god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.anitaAugust 26, 2024 at 11:27 am #436623anitaParticipantRe-submitted, hoping for a better format:
Dear Klast:
“There can be no justice when dealing with fate, just acceptance of being a victim“- acceptance of what we cannot change, acceptance of what we can not undo.
“I am a childhood epilepsy (TLE) survivor, who was fully cured at 20. Then 20 years later, grade 3 brain cancer comes along… fate just had to step in at critical moments and take that all away“- Fate (online definition): “the development of events beyond a person’s control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power”.Personally, I agree that a whole lot of what happens, is beyond one’s control. Your childhood epilepsy, and later, brain cancer are two examples of very unfortunate events that happened to you, and which were beyond your control. On the other hand, I don’t believe that there is a supernatural power who arranges for these two events to happen to you, having planned it this way.Do you believe that these (and other) unfortunate events were planned and executed by a supernatural power/ a god?“At the moment I am 4 years ahead of the BC curve (11 year survivor), I should of got sick again 4 years ago. The doctors are surprised I am still working. I was off work for 3 years and believed I would never work again“- congratulations for making it 4 years ahead of the BC curve, and for working!“My overall point is that I had so much built in ability, that I had so much potential, that I worked hard at achieving throughout my life. For it all to be wiped out by random chance“- when I read this part, I was reminded of a nature movie that I watched when I was a teenager, a movie that left a deep impression on me: it was about sea turtle hatching from eggs on a beach, their goal was to reach the water. As I remember it, some didn’t manage to hatch, some were eaten right after hatching, some walked toward the water for a while, but then grabbed by predatory birds, and only a small number got to the water. And then, not all who arrived to the water survived because there are predators in the water as well.All the sea turtles had about the same built in ability and potential.“The usefulness of my potential is all gone now“- in some areas, I imagine, not in other areas.“Surely there is some other way to deal with this?… I feel resentment building up in me every time someone around me has achieved in their lives what fate wouldn’t let me. Help?“- I repeat the serenity prayer to myself every day (not for the religious aspect, but for the principle in the prayer): god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.anitaAugust 27, 2024 at 10:33 am #436662HelcatParticipantHi Klast
I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with cancer and your career.
Since you’re unhappy with your current career options why don’t you try studying to build a career? There are a lot of different options.
Studying is very accessible these days if you have the inclination.
I have health issues and my plan was to build a career around my health issues. I decided on IT.
Unfortunately, everyone has difficulties in some form or another. It doesn’t take away what you’ve been through, but you aren’t the only one suffering.
On the one hand, what you have lost is a lot. On the other, you are still here. You have a family and a job. If you focus on what you don’t have, you will be miserable. Try appreciating what you do have.
If you want more than that, you are going to have try again. I hope that this time you will be successful!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 30, 2024 at 1:13 am #436751klastParticipantHi Anita
“Do you believe that these (and other) unfortunate events were planned and executed by a supernatural power/ a god?”
I don’t believe in any sort of interventionist deity.
I am just well aware that there is more going on out there than we humans can possibly understand or comprehend. Intuition, the feeling of being watched, close relatives instantly knowing something has happened to the other even on the other side of the world, twins etc
I am more of an agnostic, who doesn’t need a convenient explanation of the unknown. I am quite happy for the big picture to stay a mystery. Humanity will work it all out eventually, like how quantum physics and spirituality are similar. Like twins and superposition.
I’ve always though of fate as part of this mysterious unknown. I assumed that if fate was connected to a god/deity, people would directly refer to this god/deity as the cause.“All the sea turtles had about the same built in ability and potential.”
All my life until now, I have believed this, I would rationalise to myself “If the universe is a zero sum game, I am just balancing out someone else’s extremely good luck”. However, now that I only have a decade or so before retirement, the chance for any quality of life changing change is almost zero.
“The usefulness of my potential is all gone now“- in some areas, I imagine, not in other areas.
As mentioned above, I am in the sunset years of my working life. I know I have lots of potential in other areas, just not in areas that would improve my quality of life. I would be a good writer etc. I might have been able to help others with similar traumas( I had a really tough childhood as well) but my expressive aphasia, like bruce willis has, counts me out. My brain tumour was right next to the brocas speech area, so I can have what I want to say lined up in my mind but vocalising it, making myself heard is really difficult for me.
I’ve known about the serenity prayer for ages. I just thought it never applied to me, until now, now that I feel that I have run out of options.
Trauma Regression
When a child is subjected to some form of emotionally damaging trauma, their emotional development stops. The wound never heals because they are too young at the time and don’t have the tools to work through it. The healing wont restart until a level of self awareness is reached, for some this never happens.I know that this discussion is the continuation of my general emotional development that has been frozen since I suffered abuse(s) as a child. I have been using my intelligent abstract brain to compartmentalise and push away any attempts to restart it, until now.
Thanks for your input.
KlastAugust 30, 2024 at 1:22 am #436752klastParticipantHi Helcat
I was a total computer nerd for 15 years due to my social isolation, it’s only through IRC and online chat that I began to start relating to people in the real world. I was there at the start of the internet, I used to go on BBS’s before the internet. My first internet access was 90mins a day with a 14.4k dialup modem. I could have done IT but my brain issues held me back. I always saw myself as some sort of backroom techhead but my health issues stopped me.
Best wishes with your journey as well
Klast
August 30, 2024 at 8:07 am #436753anitaParticipantDear Klast:
You are welcome! “I am just well aware that there is more going on out there than we humans can possibly understand or comprehend. Intuition, the feeling of being watched, close relatives instantly knowing something has happened to the other… All my life until now, … I would rationalise to myself ‘If the universe is a zero sum game, I am just balancing out someone else’s extremely good luck’“- I agree that there is more, way more going on out there (and here) than we humans can possibly understand, and I believe that what is not going out here-and-there is an entity that determines an individual’s quality and quantity of life before the individual is born (or at birth, or after), nor does an entity balance one person’s good luck by imposing bad luck on another person.
I am mentioning this because a belief in (bad) fate/ destiny prevents healing and progress that are possible for a person.
“I know I have lots of potential in other areas, just not in areas that would improve my quality of life“- quality of life takes place primarily in the distance between one’s ears. As you know, there are plenty of people who are appear physically healthy/ intacta, with plenty of money who are miserable
“I had a really tough childhood… my expressive aphasia… My brain tumour was right next to the Broca’s speech area, so I can have what I want to say lined up in my mind, but vocalising it, making myself heard is really difficult for me… When a child is subjected to some form of emotionally damaging trauma, their emotional development stops… I suffered abuse(s) as a child“- I am sorry that you too suffered abuses as a child and that you suffer from expressive aphasia. From personal experience, I have learned that ongoing, repeating child abuses harm a the child’s brain development and the consequence: brain damage, to one extent or another. In my case, childhood abuses resulted in lifetime Tourette Syndrome (TS), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), and learning disabilities. I experienced much healing (intentional healing) from 2.5 decades-long Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
“I’ve known about the serenity prayer for ages. I just thought it never applied to me, until now, now that I feel that I have run out of options“- connecting the serenity prayer to what I shared above, I have to accept TS, ADD and learning disabilities as parts of my life, and I am glad that I had the courage to change the OCD part.
“I know that this discussion is the continuation of my general emotional development that has been frozen since I suffered abuse(s) as a child. I have been using my intelligent abstract brain to compartmentalise and push away any attempts to restart it, until now“- I relate to these two sentences very much. My emotional development did freeze, as I was disconnected and dissociated from my child-self ever since I remember myself: I never got to be a child (maybe in the very early years which I don’t remember). It is only lately, in my later years, following years of intentional healing, that I feel like a child (when interacting/ connecting with people): a new feeling to me, a joyful feeling!
anita
August 30, 2024 at 6:08 pm #436763klastParticipantDear Anita
I am mentioning this because a belief in (bad) fate/ destiny prevents healing and progress that are possible for a person.
Definitely not me. At the risk of offending any lurkers:
What is heaven? The ultimate carrot
What is hell? The ultimate stick
What is god? The ultimate self responsibility avoidance
All the religions and existential ideologies are just attempts at trying to explain what we cant comprehend.
Religion shuts down free and critical thinking and exploration of all possible options. Like eating takeaway food instead of cooking your own.
“If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him” – VoltaireAs you know, there are plenty of people who are appear physically healthy/ intacta, with plenty of money who are miserable.
For the western hemisphere there is a peak in the happiness/wealth bell curve. Not enough wealth to cover the basics of life and life goals/desires creates misery. Too much creates paranoia about managing it and who is only after your wealth. The end result of paranoia is loneliness.
Plus it’s all about connections and networks, mine have been weak my whole life due to development/brain issues my whole life.I experienced much healing (intentional healing) from 2.5 decades-long Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
I have been through all the depersonalisation, derealisation and dissociation.
-Depersonalisation when I felt like my past childhood memories etc, weren’t mine. Like I was some sort of imposter (syndrome?).
-Derealisation when I felt like I was staring into the infinite abyss of nothingness, where the edge I was standing on was crumbling away. I reckon if my super supportive wife hadn’t been there for me to physically hold onto I would have had a full break.
-Dissociation for most of my life. Feeling different to everyone else. I remember wishing aliens would arrive to wake society out of its power/greed obsession.I have to accept TS, ADD and learning disabilities as parts of my life, and I am glad that I had the courage to change the OCD part.
I have always accepted my deficiencies because they have been there in different forms my whole life. It is only just recently that I have been throwing a tantrum about it all, triggered by my emotional development restarting. Which was triggered by reaching an age of feeling like doors were finally closing on me. I have been doing everything I can to encourage neuroplasticity and neurogenesis. However I feel that is now no longer as effective due to the natural mental declination of the aging process.
It is only lately, in my later years, following years of intentional healing, that I feel like a child (when interacting/ connecting with people): a new feeling to me, a joyful feeling!
I have this experience but so far its not in a joyful way, I get mocked or treated with disdain, mostly at work. If I wasn’t constantly being triggered at work, and feeling obligated to work to cover living costs, I would be happier.
My aphasia has gotten much better over time. After BC surgery I could barely string a sentence together. Then I went through a stage of not fully sounding out my syllables. Then swapping syllables and words around in a sentence. These days you wont get anymore than a couple of sentences out of me, anything more and I start tripping over the words as I line them up and try to spit them out. It gets worse if I am stressed or tired.
At the start of my radiation treatment, intuition made me look through the paperwork. I couldn’t believe it when I stumbled upon the fact that they were going to radiate the wrong side of my head(classic MRI scan misinterpretation). It took them 4 hours to correct the error that day before beginning. I could have ended up a vegetable in a wheelchair or worse.
Kind regards,
Klast
August 30, 2024 at 7:36 pm #436764anitaParticipantDear Klast: I will read and reply in about 12 hours from now.
anita
August 31, 2024 at 9:27 am #436772anitaParticipantDear Klast:
“What is god? The ultimate self responsibility avoidance“- that’s hilarious, never read this before. We better do better than god, then, so that he/ she/ it can look up to us for guidance.
“I have been through all the depersonalisation, derealisation and dissociation… It is only just recently that I have been throwing a tantrum about it all, triggered by my emotional development restarting“- re-associating with anger, re-personalizing your life: making it personal and real.
“I have been doing everything I can to encourage neuroplasticity and neurogenesis. However I feel that is now no longer as effective due to the natural mental declination of the aging process“- I say that aging = practicing death until we get it right.
“I get mocked or treated with disdain, mostly at work. If I wasn’t constantly being triggered at work, and feeling obligated to work to cover living costs, I would be happier“- a reminder of how important it is to not mock others, to treat others (with aphasia or not, tics or not, short or tall, lean or obese, etc.) respectfully.
“My aphasia has gotten much better over time… These days you wont get anymore than a couple of sentences out of me“- improvement nonetheless.
“At the start of my radiation treatment, intuition made me look through the paperwork… It took them 4 hours to correct the error that day before beginning. I could have ended up a vegetable in a wheelchair or worse.“- saved by intuition! I had to google intuition to understand what it means because I forget the meaning of words, words I read and used many times before (a feature of my personal version of brain damage).
anita
September 6, 2024 at 3:05 am #437061klastParticipantDear Anita,
– that’s hilarious, never read this before. We better do better than god, then, so that he/ she/ it can look up to us for guidance.
Those three lines are mine. They are my conclusions to the whole organised religion thing. Bureaucratising everyone’s personal spiritual life.
I grew up going to a christian church. One day when I was 13 and I was shaking the hands of the elders as I walked out, I thought; nah none of this feels right, WTF am I doing here, it all felt so insincere. Like all of us there were living some pretense.
Later in life a wise person said to me “Ahh you finally started thinking for yourself”, critical thinking.
Soon after my whole family left, the people we said goodbye to admitted they weren’t true believers, they were just there for the socialising. It was one of those churchies that abused me in unspeakable ways, that I fortunately don’t remember.– re-associating with anger, re-personalizing your life: making it personal and real.
I guess so. I am a bit concerned about going through all this with the current state of my brain. I have recently been diagnosed with Complex PTSD, after all the traumas throughout my life. Seems like I am regularly getting diagnosed with something, every decade or so.
I used to have bad panic attacks, but I learnt to down regulate them with diaphragmatic breathing(triggers the vagus nerve, calming the parasympathetic nervous system fight/flight/freeze/fawn etc). Yoga Nidra at bedtime helped as well. Most people rely on drugs, Xanax etc.
Back then the docs said I had the lungs of someone 11 years younger, now it’s only 5 years younger.Haven’t had an attack for about 7 years now. Fortunately I haven’t had to go on the big pharma merry-go round.
I am still on “duty of care” seizure meds, which I hate, due to the brain fog they put me in. But I have to stay on them for life or I get my drivers license cancelled. One of those times I wish I could fall through the cracks of the medical system.– a reminder of how important it is to not mock others, to treat others (with aphasia or not, tics or not, short or tall, lean or obese, etc.) respectfully.
I feel I am just marking time until, we win lotto(HA), get an inheritance or some other random event turns up.
– saved by intuition!
My intuition seems to have increased since BC, but maybe I am just taking more notice of it. Some around me infer that intuition is a part of a normal persons life. For me it comes on like a strong sense of dejavu, during the day I can look at a thing or person and feel that I will be more involved with them/it sometime later. I was in a shop once when it happened and 3 months later my stepson got a job there.
When I met my wife 20 years ago. I had a strong sense of us having a long term relationship. Within 3 months of me moving in, her kids wanted to call me Dad. She’s a trauma child/woman like me, we feel we are on a committed life journey of healing together.Klast
(short form of Iconoclast)September 6, 2024 at 10:24 am #437072anitaParticipantDear Klast (short for Iconoclast): I am glad you posted again, and will read and reply tomorrow!
anita
September 7, 2024 at 11:29 am #437094anitaParticipantI am sorry, Klast: I ran out of time to reply to you as attentively as I would like. I intend to do so in the next 1-2 days.
anita
September 7, 2024 at 2:16 pm #437099klastParticipantThat’s OK, u seem to be busy on this forum. I’m in no rush
Klast
September 8, 2024 at 7:49 am #437121anitaParticipantDear Klast:
Thank you for the no-rush note! Iconoclast: a person who attacks cherished beliefs or institutions. I see why you chose (the short version of) this word.
“I grew up going to a Christian church… It was one of those churches that abused me in unspeakable ways, that I fortunately don’t remember“- I am sorry to read that you were abused, and in unspeakable ways.
About re-associating with your anger and re-personalizing your life, you wrote: “I guess so. I am a bit concerned about going through all this with the current state of my brain“- good point, something to ask a competent professional, if you are interested. In general, any kind of re-associating/ re-personalizing work should be done very gently, a bit today, a bit tomorrow, noting rushed.
“I have recently been diagnosed with Complex PTSD , after all the traumas throughout my life. Seems like I am regularly getting diagnosed with something, every decade or so“- (1) C-PTSD is an umbrella diagnosis. Last I read, in the U.S. (DSM-5) it was rejected as a diagnosis because it’d make many previously accepted diagnoses obsolete, (2) There are so many mental health diagnoses available, no wonder most- if not all people- fit at least one. I was diagnosed with quite a few.
“I used to have bad panic attacks, but I learnt to down regulate them with diaphragmatic breathing… Back then the docs said I had the lungs of someone 11 years younger, now it’s only 5 years younger“- excellent job down regulating panic attacks, inspirational!
“When I met my wife 20 years ago. I had a strong sense of us having a long term relationship. Within 3 months of me moving in, her kids wanted to call me Dad. She’s a trauma child/woman like me, we feel we are on a committed life journey of healing together.“- again: inspirational!
anita
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