Dear Anita,

Thanks for checking on me. The session with my therapist went okay, I could not share anything at all. She tried to begin with asking the reasons why I couldn’t share this with her or with anyone else but I did not speak on that too. We then first looked at a ‘support system’ that would help me, which included things like watching something or reading, talking to a friend, practicing faith, breathing exercises, gratitude journal etc. She asked me to also maintain a journal where I write one good thing that happened in the day. I told her that I have been trying many of these for quite some time but it does not help usually. We then discussed that how I can help myself by changing my environment in the coming summer breaks. But we did not talk about the thoughts and emotions more or less. She told me that while I do not have to get ‘uncomfortable’ in therapy, I should also understand that this is something urgent and needs to be addressed. I do not know whether/how much I will be able to share in the next session.

About how I feel, I have been feeling depressed the whole day. Tried to uplift myself by watching something or studying, but there is a heaviness inside me. It did get slightly better in the evening. As far as medicines are concerned, I will not take that option. Sorry Anita if I sound stubborn or rude but I cannot and will not go down that road. I hope things get better (even if slightly) without them, that’s my only bet.

Thanks

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Thank you very much for introducing me to the works of J. Mark G. Williams. I will look up his books and audios for sure. What you observed is true, I am rushing, I do feel lagging behind, and that does cause me exhaustion. You used the right word- ‘pressure’. Ever since I have come here, and I think since even before that, I am living under self-inflicted pressure, as if I am running against a sand dial. I was not like this earlier, for the most parts of my life before my third year of under-grad, I tried to protect myself from external voices, from comparison, from looking down upon myself. But now, it feels different. Ever since I read your post, I have tried to give myself some relaxation. At this point, I don’t think I feel ‘happy’ at all, like genuine contentment. A few great things happened the last week and while I was excited when I got to know about them, deep down a part of me wanted to rush back to my room and cry. I want to release this pressure now.

Isn’t this ironic that my intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are hindering me to experience that very reality for which I faced all this? When I was in that difficult situation, I wanted to be here, and when I am here, I cannot enjoy it to the full because of my what-if thoughts. I feel sad to see that these things are in some ways hindering my present. And just like that, I scrolled my mobile phone for less than a minute and I came across something that again triggered my anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

About shame, I do not know if these quotes apply to me, at least it does not appear right now…but I do accept that I have a habit/tendency of self-loathing from a long time. It is also true that sometimes I try to micro-analyze my actions and zoom in on even a small ‘mistake’ that I might have done. But its very clear that I do feel shame to bring these thoughts up for discussion, I feel they make me a lesser person. I feel I am a hopeless person, strangled in this spiral and stupidly causing myself more pain and suffering.

Meanwhile, I was able to share my feelings with my therapist through a written document. She has suggested that we can first talk about why I am not able to share these things. I have booked a session for this week, but in some moments I feel like bailing out. Today evening itself I had almost sent her a message asking her to cancel the session. But I hope I give myself some strength and at least go for the session.

Thanks,

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Thank you very much for looking up quotes for me. Really means a lot. But, I don’t know why reading quotes has become an anxiety trigger causing intrusive thoughts/flashbacks just as it did now. I used to follow a lot of quotes and thoughts pages on social media too but ever since the intrusive thoughts situation has arose, reading any type of quote, especially related to things like hope, resilience etc. gives me terrible anxiety and often lead me to a spiral of flashbacks. Please do not take it as a complaint, it is really a very kind thing, but this is something I thought I should share with you.

The quote about mental rushing: the moment I read it felt personal. It felt so true. I do not know in what ways it is true, but it felt very relatable. Even beyond this, I am feeling lonely and miserable these days.

Thanks,

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your empathy and insights. I never paid much attention to guilt and shame so it was a new perspective for me. Thank you for believing that I don’t deserve to suffer, because sometimes I don’t. There are days when I think of just resigning to my obsessive intrusive thoughts because I see no hope. To be honest I still do not know how will I recover, but I understand that getting in depths of my thought patterns and emotions is very important. Can I send a detailed reply to your thread by tomorrow EOD? In the meantime, I have a question- Are these intrusive thoughts that I experience or flashbacks? Or a mix of both? I sometimes feel that I am spiraling because of the traumatic memories of that difficult time while sometimes it feels like a compulsion to trigger intrusive thinking.

Thanks,

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your replies. Being enraged for a considerable time of the day is indeed exhausting, I was in a loop of enraging memories a few minutes ago as well. It becomes very difficult to not let the emotions take over, it is even interfering with my studies at time.

On your reply dated 20th May- the officer certainly did that because they wanted to, it was completely intentional. I could see other applicants getting their files approved with ease, and even after submitting the required clarification multiple times, they just didn’t let my application proceed. The more I tried, the more personal it became for them. I don’t know why they did all that, but it was unjust, it felt cruelly unfair.

I agree that there was some unresolved anger because I took that anger on myself. I was frustrated, frustrated to the melting point, and I took that frustration on myself. It felt that I was taking some revenge by hurting myself. I can remember this because during that time, I simply refused self-care or any help, I began developing an apathy towards myself, believing inside that why should I put my efforts when all things have to happen this way. A part of my intrusive thoughts are about self-harming behavior (not physical harm) like discontinuing therapy, cutting off all friendships and relations, refusing proper diet and taking care of my physical health and even giving up my career aspirations and a desire for numbness. Such intrusive thoughts hurt me further, they scare me because if I am thinking these things even after seven months, what would I have actually done. It was a point when I began feeling anger towards life itself, because all I could feel was despair, defeat and hopelessness, I felt so much for pity for myself for having to face all this.  I would like to know more about solving this unresolved anger.

About self-esteem, you described it in an accurate manner. It wasn’t the case earlier, but as time went by (especially after graduating from my undergrad college) I began getting attached with this thing, and a point came when I attached my self worth to it. I feel that I got more and more attached to this thing with the worsening of the scholarship issue. And I don’t know why I should not have! It was the single largest opportunity of my life till now and it was going waste because of such a reason! All my hardwork, efforts and sacrifices seemed nothing.

I too feel a lack of self compassion in me, I feel that the only person who would look down on Kshitij is Kshitij himself. The outer world doesn’t judge me, I judge myself. Its me who fixes my self worth on my external achievements and my work. For some reasons I have developed a habit of self sabotaging, of being kind with everyone but me. I sometimes feel that lack of self compassion is the very reason I suffer so much from these intrusive thoughts, because I cant let them go, I cannot do what is required for me to find some peace and solace.

A side note- I read a few things about OCD and intrusive thoughts (and I am not self-diagnosing at all) and I have realized that probably my intrusive thoughts are also a sort of compulsion. But, I am not making any kind of decision on this.

Thanks,

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your insights and kind words. Its been a rough week, and I feel emotionally exhausted by having either intrusive or enraged thoughts. It was almost a loop, when the former faded the latter began to float. Not sure how I will manage with it. Nevertheless, I tried sitting with my intrusive thoughts yesterday and am writing some points. This might be a long post so please read it according to your convenience. When I introspected; deep down somewhere, I felt grief, grief that was so heavy that I am not able to cope with it even though my reality is different from what my intrusive thoughts make me imagine. I had felt this intense grief when I was facing the issue with scholarship and it has remained within me, refusing to fade away. Never in my life I had felt such an intense pain, such an intense grief (not even during the time I was in the worst of my health and I know what that was) that was unsurmountable. Whenever I spiral into intrusive thoughts, I feel hurt inside which I felt during those days as well. Hurt because the entire situation was uncalled for, it was because a bureaucrat found it satisfying for their  whimsical reasons to keep my application pending. I had met all the eligibility criteria, and over a very trivial matter that I had clarified with an official clarification from my university, that officer deliberately withheld my file. This left me hurting and thinking about it hurts me even today. I was on the brink of losing the single biggest opportunity of my life till now all thanks to them. This unfairness added to my pain and hurt and filled me with despair unexperienced before.

The third emotion I felt within me was hopelessness and we have had talked about it. As you mentioned above, the thought that ‘no matter how much I tried, things would always go worse’ appears to be in the core of the problem. I agree to this possibility. I felt hopelessness because I felt tired of seemingly endless challenges and being on survival mode constantly. I had already endured a very difficult 2020-21, struggled with panic attacks/anxiety in 2022 and before even six months could pass since a considerable healing of my anxiety, I got rocked by this situation. I was hoping 23 would be the year where I would get some good things in life and move ahead but instead I facing all this, for the first time I was in a literal and total mess, I felt a darkness around me and I had no clue about anything unlike the previous times when I at least knew my path to recovery. To be honest, I was even tired of ‘recovering’ from things, I felt that all my energy and life is being consumed by these challenges and things happening one after the other. That is why I thought maybe giving up was a better choice, I lost all hopes because all I could see was pain, misery, misfortune and difficulties. Just when I had thought that I have overcome some major challenges, I was hit with another. I am able to remember these many details at the moment but I know I was on the verge of slipping into depression back then, and I decided to gave up on my wellbeing because I had absolutely no energy and I was emotionally reacting this way. (not something I am very proud of.) That is why whenever I get into a spiral of intrusive thoughts, I imagine myself depressed, I imagine myself isolated, drowned in misery and weeping on my condition. I imagine myself turning into a bitter person suffering from grief and pain. The real problem is that some part of me feels that all of this would have been the reality had the scholarship situation taken a different turn, and that is why it makes me scared, anxious and fearful. Seven months have passed by, and I still feel that I would have ended up like this, I feel the same grief and hurt creeping up in my intrusive thoughts. I still feel that I would have lost all my hopes and gotten into a downward spiral. I feel scared for myself, what would have I actually done in ‘that’ reality if I think like this in my anxious thoughts.

Now about my problem with father. I think that my relation with him did not make me think that I can never succeed because I could not succeed in having a good relation with him; I gave up on that long ago. I think his problematic behavior ended up showing in my self esteem, in my self worth(remember I mentioned externalization of self worth?) Because I had to bear up with a lot of ‘sermons’ from him, criticisms and disapprovals from other members of my family; I began focusing too much on ‘achieving’ things, in pursuit of ‘showing everyone’ what I could do through my decisions and career. Now I see, this showed up in my workaholism and my desire for external achievements and approvals. During the scholarship issue or even before it happened, I think I attached my self worth with this opportunity. I saw my peers advancing in their careers and doing great things, and all that along with the existing dependency of my self-esteem on external things, I got devastated when this situation happened, my self worth took a great hit and that contributed to my problems as well as my anxiety that went out of my control. I think that is one area where my father’s past behavior definitely impacted me because it had already damaged my self-esteem as a child.

It felt comforting to type down all these things.

Thanks,

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what will it take for me to get over this thing. I will complete first year of my masters in a month’s time and I am still in misery over this thing. It’s tiring now, please suggest something

Thanks

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your message and sorry for replying so late. I am trying to process the childhood trauma, meditation and journaling are helping me in at least keeping my mental peace and not letting my past memories and rage subsume me completely. I am sometimes surprised seeing that a memory which would cause rage to me five years ago has the same sting even today, and I feel as hurt as I would at some point in the past. Sometimes I just end up having violent rage-filled thoughts that ruin my mood and subsequently my day. No matter how many times I have gone over a past memory, it stirs the same emotions every single time.

Regarding anxious and intrusive thoughts, I am observing a greater tendency of workaholism and stress. Almost every day I am stressed out about something or the other, hardly leaving anytime for myself. There is a general feeling of hopelessness I feel these days, in regards with my intrusive thoughts and other things. I am approaching the end of my first year, and yet I am stuck in the past, struggling with what-if scenarios and attached to my trauma. I tried making friends and social groups in the previous terms but now I seem to have given up on that. It fills me with despair to see that I am not utilizing the opportunity I so dearly wanted in a fulfilling way. And at these times, a voice in my head gets louder and louder, which thinks that I am not as good and smart as others. This was something my father used to say to me, I remember the day when I had gotten into my dream college for under-grad, he had literally said that I am not ‘smart’ like the other students and hence, will suffer from frustration. I feel despair and loneliness, and intrusive thoughts worsen these situations.

Regards

Kshitij