Sorry Anita, I seem to have submitted that last response too early.

Anyway, that is what he had sent to me days later. I could not then (and still cannot) understand the sudden change in his feelings for me. I recognize his pattern now with women, but what I don’t understand is why he reassured me so many times that this wouldn’t happen with us, that he truly saw a future, and that he was going to work hard to make it happen.

I then start to ruminate about our last visit, and how I didn’t behave myself (ex. Having a meltdown/blow up while intoxicated) maintain boundaries (ex. Refuse to drink too much) and slowed the pace of the relationship rather than pressuring him to think about moving in with me/my city (essentially me putting my foot on the gas pedal). Do you still think after everything that this would have eventually been the outcome of our relationship no matter what I did or didn’t do?

You asked about my precious long term relationship. It was “nice” for the most part, but it was lacking passion (at least on my end) from the very beginning. Near the end of the relationship, we were mostly friends/roommates. Since then, it seems any relationship I have had that is passionate and that I’m excited about seems to be short (1-4 months) and painful when it ends.

I think this last breakup is particularly painful because with all the reassuring from him that we would be together long term, that he would work hard to make sure that happened, I was starting to believe I had finally broken this cycle, and that for the first time, someone I was so passionate about and wanted a future with finally felt the same way about me. Now I’m stuck with thinking what could have been, if I had been truer to myself in this last relationship?

Hi Anita,

Thank you again for your continued support and advice on this. As I’ve reflected today, I still don’t feel like everything is adding up. I know the last time we spoke he said I wasn’t his “type”, but he had never brought this up before, and in fact, had always told me the exact opposite. He would compliment specific parts of me, and comment on how lucky he was to be with me. I understand that could have been during his infatuation stage, but does that really change so quickly?

I’m also confused by the ending of our relationship. I left his home on Tuesday morning, and by that evening, I had asked if everything was okay. He texted that it was but that he was concerned about making it to my city that weekend so soon, but I wasn’t satisfied and panicked and called him. He was aloof in that conversation, but I’m realizing now he would have felt bombarded (whether that’s appropriate or not). The next day he was quiet again, and this was the exchange we had:

Me: Were you trying to hint to me that you want to be single and I just missed it?

Him: I think so L. I’m just not sure I’m ready for this right now

Me: What happened or changed? I’m not upset with you, I’m just trying to understand.

Him: I think I just feel things moved too quickly… like I said last night. I need to put the brakes on, for the both of us. We’re alike in so many ways. We’re both rushing in.

Me: I get that for sure. I was hoping we could do that and take things slowly, I think what we have is special. But are you thinking you would rather end things altogether?

Him: Yeah… we do. I don’t know. Give me some time this morning please. I have a lot to do and to think about

Me: Of course. Hope you have a good morning.

We talked later that night, he still seemed distant, but he said he wanted to continue seeing me. When I asked if he wanted to date anyone else too, he said no. However, the next day is when I began to notice his snapchat score increasing quickly, which meant he was talking to someone other than me. On Thursday, after 2 days now of him being aloof but still warm (ex. Would still call me “baby”, ask how my day was, etc.) I couldn’t handle the suspicion anymore. I asked him if he could be honest with me, if was interested in someone else. He didn’t answer, and I panicked again and called him. He didn’t answer my call, but later when I said “please tell me the truth so I can move on” (hoping he would ask me not to) he said “I’m sorry L. I think that would be best”.

I’ve read a lot of literature on the initial stages of dating and how men tend to pull away, and how it’s beneficial if you give them space rather than panicky and try to “fix” it or chase them. I’m debating with myself if that happened here, or if my gut instinct led me to confront him on the issue that would have happened eventually or not.

I know a month isn’t very long, but I can’t help feeling like given his current pattern, it seems to be much longer than usual. To me, it feels like (at least at one point), I was his type, his “dream woman” as he put it, and wanted to be with me long term (with all the promises he was making me, such as saying our “monthiversary” was going to be one of many. This was just 4 days before we broke up). I wonder now, did I have a role in things ending this way, and could things have been different if I had been more calm and aloof myself? I worry that I presented myself as needy and desperate at the end, when throughout the relationship, I had not.

More almost as though he completely lost value in me overnight, and I have never experienced that drastic of a change before. I feel very stuck to understanding that part of things. I think that you are right that I miss the love, care, and attention he provided for me. I’m worried now, more than ever and with my relationship experience, if I sustain any relationship with a man to do that and not abandon me.

Hi Anita,

I’ve reread what you’ve written a few times today, I think it’s helped in me realizing the reality of the situation. I wanted so desperately for what he said and promised me to be true, that even now when confronted with evidence that he was never going to stay forever, it’s difficult to let go of that dream.

He told me was going to treat me better than any other man, so that we would always be together. But I can see now, with your analogy, he didn’t have the ability to care and nurture over time, just burn out and fade away.

I’m trying to remind myself that even if he had stayed a while longer, he doesn’t have the skills to be a good long term partner. I’m so envious whoever the current woman in his life is now, but as you say, it’s likely she won’t last, either.

Since this all has happened, I’ve been on dates with two other men. They both seem far more committed to being in a relationship, but I still find myself (as much as I wish I wouldn’t!) wishing it was him that I was sitting across, that none of this ever happened, that he had followed through with his promises. I see a picture of his face, and I’m transported back to all wonderful emotions I felt with him, then horribly sadness and pain that it is no longer. He was my ideal “type” and although he said last time I wasn’t his, unfortunately it didn’t change my preference for someone like him to be with me.

Do you think this will change within time? I’m worried that I will always feel the pain of him betraying, replacing, and rejecting me. And that I will always compare men to him, and they will never feel right. He was so beautiful, this perfect man of mine, I feel inconsolable that he’s now gone.

Hi Anita,

I think actually this is a good idea. I feel like as soon as I see him (it’s been a month now) I will know 1) how I truly feel about him, and 2) I will be able to see how he feels about me.

He said he’s going to message me when this girl that is staying with him leaves on Monday. I’m wary of even entertaining getting back together with him, as he seems so fickle right now. I think really what keeps me thinking about the whole thing is I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I took things slower with him. If I had not got infatuated with this fantasy future, too. Part of me feels like we would still be dating, but at a regular, healthy pace.

On the other hand, he said something on the phone call Thursday that sort of confused me. At first he said he didn’t know why his feelings for me changed the last weekend we spent together, but that he just didn’t think I was “the one”. Then, later in the phone call, he said he realized “I like my type for a reason”, implying I wasn’t his type. When I asked what his type was, he said “I don’t know, blue eyes, Caucasian”. I’m mixed trace (Asian and European) and definitely don’t have blue eyes. He said there was that initial infatuation because he’s never dating someone like me before.

I don’t know if this is something I should just accept, or if he’s simply looking for something to say to get me to stop asking, or what that’s about. I don’t get how that somehow was an issue the last time we saw each other, when before that, he told me constantly how “gorgeous” and “beautiful” I was, and how adorable our future children would be.

I suppose I’ll wait to see if I do hear from him after that girl leaves. Perhaps all of this is irrelevant, perhaps she is “the one” for him. However, given his track record, I would be surprised that after staying with him for a week straight that he didn’t change his mind about her, too. Or maybe he will romance her for a little longer, like he did with me, who knows.

Either way, my gut instinct is telling me that seeing him in some sort of capacity, like for coffee, would provide me with these answers I’m looking for. The difficult part is that he lives 3 hours away, and I’m not sure if he would agree to meeting.

Oh Anita, thank you so much for your patience and diligence in rereading my posts. I had tears in my eyes as I read your most recent post. I think you are 100% right, and I think the reason I was not feeling like other advice I had gotten was getting it right was that it was so focused on him being a player, deceiving purposefully, and outright narcissistic. I believe you have it correct, in that he did believe in that time, that I was “the one”, that he believes it’s possible every time he gets involved with a woman.

I did not have a difficult or traumatic childhood, my parents provided the best care that they could and I had many opportunities (private school, extracurricular activities, clothes/toys, etc.), however I longed so deeply to be seen by them, to be heard, to hear loving words of affirmation. However neither parent was given that by their own parents growing up, I don’t think they had the ability to do so for me. I’m the second born of four children, all within five years. I think my parents were incredibly stressed between providing for us financially and trying to care for each of us, but my younger sister was born just 18 months after me and has always had a much better relationship with my mother than I ever did. I tried so hard to get her attention, I would clean the house as a child during the nights to surprise her, I would work so hard at school, I would try to engage with her. But she was emotionally aloof, and often deferred to spending time with my sister. Over the years I began to resent my sister, I did not treat her well, and this proved to worsen my relationship with my mother, and further my inner dialogue of feeling unworthy of her attention, and ultimately unlovable.

Now that I have recognized this fully, I would hope that my feelings regarding this situation would change. However, I still long for that person to come back, the man that “loved” me so much, that treated me so well. But I can tell his feelings have changed, he said it happens often, and that he never goes back to an ex. The truth is at this point, I don’t think I would believe him if he came back claiming to love me, to want to be with me, which is irrelevant anyway, since I don’t think he ever would. I don’t know how to move forward now, because I think what I long for is impossible. I want HIM, this perfect version of this man, that 1) doesn’t want me anymore, and 2) is fundamentally different now that what I wanted. I don’t find any other men attractive anymore, I don’t want to try again, I just feel so stuck…

Do you have any ideas of where I should go from here? I’m so saddened by all of this, and I truly do want to heal.

Again, I cannot thank you enough for the help you have already given me. You have helped me more than the therapist I am seeing! I’m eternally grateful.

Hi Anita,
I’m trying to do just that. I have started a list of reasons why he wouldn’t have made a good long term partner, but I can’t help but feel like I want to add to every one “but he could change if he wanted to”. I think I feel personal failure that I wasn’t fully able to motivate him to change. I think he was at the beginning, for a month or so, but I didn’t even realize that was a “better” version of himself. I just thought that was who he was. I wish I had known better, that I didn’t give him such a hard time for things that worried me, rather just sat back and observed more. I wish I didn’t get so upset the last time I saw him and I wish I hadn’t have had too much to drink and cried about our argument. I don’t think any of that would have happened though if I had maintained better boundaries, if I had not had too much to drink and took care of myself better. I suppose this is a difficult lesson to learn, and even more difficult not to take responsibility for the whole relationship failing.

I’m really struggling being confident in my ability to point out what part of this was his doing, and what part of it was my insecurities, projections, and fantasies. It’s very, very difficult and I feel like I’m learning a new skill and not very good at it! If it were you, what would you add at the top of “The Truth” list?

Thank you again so much for your help. It’s so appreciated, as always.

Hi Anita,

You are so, so right! I think I have a penchant for doing that quite frequently, going back and trying to edit the past, remembering only what I want to. Do you have any suggestions for me, to keep myself grounded in reality and focused on the truth? With this particular person, I seem to be stuck reliving the good and minimizing the bad, and I do not want to do that any longer.

Thank uou again so much for your help, I can’t tell you how much it’s meant to me!