Dear Anita,

thank you for your insight. I’ve never been told to see this in the bigger picture. I found an old journal of mine stating why I signed up to this affair. I wanted to get free tickets literally in easy way and gained some power due to his position. But I slipped in emotional matters far too deep because of my childhood issue.

I’ll use this thread as an opportunity to tell it:

I came from small village and had experienced how rising from poor economically to be more than enough. But as a child, I was abandoned. When I was 7 years old, my parents fought a lot and there was marriage crisis. Here’s ironically funny thing, my father got married to another woman. He basically did polygamy and my mother couldn’t handle her emotions so she threw it to us the children whenever she got overwhelmed that my father didn’t go home or things went wrong. When I had childish fight a lot with my brother, my parents would basically threw things to us so we could shut up. My mom would always have her own mostly negative judgement if I told her about my friendship, a boy whom I liked. And although my father would help me with homework from school, when I couldn’t understand his explanation, he would scream at me and calling me names. I grew up didn’t have people to share my day with until today. I never tell them how my day goes, my crushes, my activities at campus, no, never once. At that time I didn;t understand that they have been carrying wounds from their past. I looked for happiness from internet, things like random chats on websites, I used to put my hopes in there. Hoping that a good stranger would take me and brought me to better life. Until I developed my own courage to get out and talk and go with strangers I barely know from Couchsurfing or Tinder.

So my affair was basically an escape to make me feel good about myself. To be self sufficient because my parents began to talk about our economic situation and basically I thought them wouldn’t be supportive if I told them I would travel to Europe on my own. This man I met at my language school was my gate to an easy life. But it turned out complicated when I realized I had these feelings. Feeling of comfort, be loved, be protected, be supported, being wanted by a man who can’t be openly together with me. But I never trust him although he did all the things he told me. Once he also told me I needed to stop being a victim.

If I didn’t involve in this affair, I might not see this lesson and being reflective to my past. This has been a practically tough year but I guess I have to make peace with my past in order to move on, don’t I? At this point, I really want to start it over. To let him go and be a successful person who can travel, see the beautiful world with my own way. Yes, I received some amount money from him but I don’t wanna step on European land saying “Oh I went here because of his money”, instead saying “yes he gave me the money but I earned more than his amount was.”

This year has been significant too, since I fell into unhealthy habits (drinking to the point pass out), experienced good paid internships, earned my bachelor degree, ended the affair, and I realized I didn’t have true friends who can listen to me, most of my friends have been manipulative and would be there with me for their own agenda. And my question later, where should I start from?

On the other hand, I’m so grateful to come across this website and responded by you, Anita. Thank you for replying to my thread and giving me new perspective.

Lana

Dear Anita,

I’ve never had this thought like you recommended me. And I tried to hold this possibility in mind, it feels kind of empty. It makes me want to do something, want to have a job.

In my culture being reciprocal to parents is important. I’ve told them that I applied jobs here and there for the entire week but I haven’t received any calls. And they said it’s fine, I don’t need to be so in rush. At this point now I can feel tjat they begin to understand me instead of demand me. However it’s within myself. Time is ticking and I want to make my dream comes true: traveling to Europe.

And then Anita, unfortunately this happens together with breakup. While I told you I try to heal and letting go, yesterday I met my best friend and she asked me whether my ex tried to reach me again post his trip to a country that nearby my homeland, I said no. I was feeling flat before she asked me that. And then suddenly tears rolling down from my eyes, ny chest was so heavy, I could feel this pain again and I told her crying. I missed him. I indeed the one who made our affair ended, I tried to remind myself he has family. Strangely since he also used to tell me about his family and shared their photos to me, I got the feeling that I belonged to his life instead of the opposite.

He didn’t text me for just a week actually. After it’s over, he still tried to reach me and being this friendly but I responded flat first and triggered later.

I got triggered after I asked his latest trip and wanted to see pictures from there, his respinse was “well, you’re the one who doesn’t want to have normal contact.” and I said “well you’re the one who tried to reach me first. Pictures are normal. What’s wrong with that” and later he sent me pictures. Then when he had this business trip nearby my homeland, I wanted to meet him, his response was “we have finished, you said yourself” combined with “I can’t make time, it’s not about not wanting. I have a full schedule. But next time” I believed that he’s super busy. And during his trip we had no more contact until now. It’s just his words sounded blaming my decision. Indeed he told me that he didn’t want it to end, several times (I tried to say to end it for three times, he refused). I don’t want to feel guilty. I just want to have “normal contact” like normal friends.

What do you think I should resolve first? Getting a job or getting over him?

Thank you.

Lana

Dear Anita,

thank you for your response.

He fulfilled my interest by giving me big amount of money for me to travel to Europe. But I don’t know how I’m being honest to my parents because suddenly I’m ‘rich’. Also he gave me easy access to involve in a project in embassy.

I ended the affair for my own good sake. But lately I’m rethinking again with my decision, especially after knowing he has a trip to Asia, I just want to see him so bad. But he refused, he said he couldn’t make time and it’s not about not wanting. He said he liked to see me when I come to Europe. I feel devastated with his answer. To my thought, he doesn’t want to see me. I have tendency to think beyond his reasons and that’s what he wanted me to do/change: trust him a little bit. Because for him, I always make negative remarks towards him. And he and I know I won’t make it to Europe as soon as possible. I beg to him to let me know if he come again to Asia and he said yeah ok.

Since it’s over, I always have this panic attack when i wake up in the morning. And in the middle of the night, I will be waking upp with racing heart beats too. Last week when I knew he’d be in Asia, it’s worse. I could have cry spell unexpectedly.I had to go to bathroom to cry when I was in family gathering, I cried when driving, and I barely knew how to force myself to smile.

We’re not in contact since last Friday. So it’s the longest period we don’t communicate for the past year. I’m scared to lose him completely. I realize that I have a certain feeling towards him and it’s not only about money or power I could acquire. I love him to the point obsessing and controlling.