I ended an affair

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Anonymous 10 months, 1 week ago.

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    Please help me,

    A month ago I just ended an affair that I've been involved in for one year. Let me tell you about this affair. It was between me (21 yo) and him (47 yo). He was a diplomat and I was student of international relations. So the first time I attracted to him was somewhat like a movie. We knew each other for 8 months. He always told me that he's married but I didn't believe it until I saw him with his wife at an event. But another event at compound, I gave a sign that I was interested in him but didn't expect he would continue it. A few weeks later, he began this communication by texting me often and in such a coincidence, I had internship nearby his office. He came on my first day and invited me to join him in a dinner. there he told me a lot about his family life. How he didn't sleep together with his wife and how his children were away. I was such an innocent and I liked him a lot. I empathized with him. In following week, he invited me for a dinner at his place and where all thing began. He told me he wouldn't divorce his wife but would like to go on with me. Due to his position at work, he could be my shortcut to my desire to travel to Europe (buying tickets, specifically). So I played blind by considering him a single man.

    At the first couple months of our affair, it went smooth. Until the third month, I started to realize that he triggered me often. He made me unstable a lot. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that I began to invest my feeling more to him. I clinged to him because my purpose and all the golden advantages I could get. He also made effort to see me after work and we had conversation just like friends. We traveled to several places together.

    Things started to get worse when I demanded his time more. Many times he told me that he couldn't do it. He was always more rational than me. But my instinct wanted to get out of that, I began not to care with the tickets and Europe. But he always made it to draw me back to him. I couldn't help it but suffer a lot in the fifth and sixth month of our affair. I started to drink more alcohol to numb myself, in one occasion I passed out in a bar. I cried and sent him a voice note being so pitiful on myself.

    I counseled to my best friend and my former lecturer. They're aware of my childhood and the root cause why I clinged to this unhealthy affair. But I was very stubborn and easily melted with what he had done to me from money, job, and efforts. I tried to look for other guys but never worked out.

    Then one day, he told me that he got job offer outside my country, back to his homeland. I was scared to the death. It triggered my pain. I became so passive agressive when dealing with him in a matter. But again, he convinced me. He did what I asked, including to compensate me with certain amount of money worth for 1200 euro. Because I told him he had family and I had none. This money is to buy myself tickets. But I was wrong, his money didn't compensate everything. My feeling way too big. We kept going until we parted ways at the airport in early August. For first month our “long distance relationship”, however I got triggered whenever it took time to reply me. Whereas I was aware  that everything is different now but there was an illusion that we got better at distance and we might have better “relationship”. But then he started being distant again, I was accusing him this and that while he said he only wanted to clear his mind. On the other hand, I became uneasy. It was like I wanted him to response the way I desired to and if he didn't do that, I would be very uncontrollable saying mean things to him. During last October to early November, our communication consisted with persistent arguments where he ended up saying “I'm sorry I can't make you understand”. He has this significant position in Europe, he has family but I can't seem to understand. I'm so scared to lose him, but at the same time I'm aware of his situation and my gut keeps telling that moving to Europe will make his relations with his wife and his family got better. And before it begins, I want to end it first. Early November I managed to end it. He didn't accept it first until on my third attempt after I being so mean with my words until he said “I'm too old for this” and he told me if I kept being negative to him, it's better to end it.

    I had empty feeling for couple weeks after I breakup with him. I asked him for not contacting me but he did. However communication with him made me aware that it triggered my emotional instability. On my graduation he congratulated me and I remembered if he would come to Asia this December. And he said yes. Unfrotunately it triggered me again. Suddenly I wanted to see him, I wanted to meet him again and reminisce our togetherness. But he only has 3 days and said he couldn't make time. For a few days I couldn't accept the fact but now I'm starting to let it go. Unfortunately sometimes this thought keeps coming to myself, I want to see him soo badly. I told him in pitiful way, he only said he understood but didn't imply that he wanted to see me also.

    Help me, because I don't want to regret my decision to breakup with him. But I still think about him a lot. Especially things that he had done to keep me.

    Yesterday I met my counselor and he said to me that the root cause of this is from within my home,my parents, especially my father. But I already let go of the past with my family. How should I make peace again?




    Dear Lana:

    He is a diplomat (47); you are (or were) a student  (21). He has money; you have way less money.

    This is a significant gap in power. This significant gap in power is something he is aware of as well as you and  it is a very significant element in this relationship and breakup.

    Your motivation has been a mix of wanting money/ the ease of traveling, wanting the protection of his power, feeling esteem for someone powerful being interested in you, powerless. Wanting togetherness, love, intimacy.

    His motivation likely includes enjoying your youth (something of value to many older men; something you probably don't recognize as valuable about yourself).

    His motivation with you is not marriage, he told you himself.

    I think that what you need first is clarity, clarity of thinking, understanding the reality of your motivations, his motivations and how did it work for your  benefit or not.

    Your mental well-being is your most important resource. How has this relationship affected your mental well-being… not well, from reading your post.

    Your responsibility for yourself is to promote your well-being. Get clarity of your  motivations, of the effectiveness of this relationship: what did it accomplish for your self interest/ benefit and what did it accomplish against your self interest?

    Answer if you'd like and/ or write more about your thoughts and feelings…?




    Dear Anita,

    thank you for your response.

    He fulfilled my interest by giving me big amount of money for me to travel to Europe. But I don't know how I'm being honest to my parents because suddenly I'm ‘rich'. Also he gave me easy access to involve in a project in embassy.

    I ended the affair for my own good sake. But lately I'm rethinking again with my decision, especially after knowing he has a trip to Asia, I just want to see him so bad. But he refused, he said he couldn't make time and it's not about not wanting. He said he liked to see me when I come to Europe. I feel devastated with his answer. To my thought, he doesn't want to see me. I have tendency to think beyond his reasons and that's what he wanted me to do/change: trust him a little bit. Because for him, I always make negative remarks towards him. And he and I know I won't make it to Europe as soon as possible. I beg to him to let me know if he come again to Asia and he said yeah ok.

    Since it's over, I always have this panic attack when i wake up in the morning. And in the middle of the night, I will be waking upp with racing heart beats too. Last week when I knew he'd be in Asia, it's worse. I could have cry spell unexpectedly.I had to go to bathroom to cry when I was in family gathering, I cried when driving, and I barely knew how to force myself to smile.

    We're not in contact since last Friday. So it's the longest period we don't communicate for the past year. I'm scared to lose him completely. I realize that I have a certain feeling towards him and it's not only about money or power I could acquire. I love him to the point obsessing and controlling.



    Dear  Lana:

    Is the  “big amount  of money” you are referring to, is that the 1200 euros you mentioned in your original post?

    On one  hand you got to travel to Europe and had access to a project  at  the embassy, these are the pluses, the benefits, to you. On the other hand, the minuses, the costs to you were: feeling uncomfortable regarding your family not knowing where or how you got the money to travel,  panic attacks, crying spells while driving (dangerous) and otherwise, obsessing.

    Has it been worth it so far?

    Or are you so obsessed, so distressed at this time that you can't think straight enough to figure pluses vs minuses?

    If you can think straight enough: if you could make your wishes come true, what  would happen next, in  regard to this relationship, in the near future and the farther away future?




    Dear Lisa,

    you say in your letter you are passive aggresive as I am, but that is just a label like any other label to dehumanize you, just like any other label people try to tag you with like Racist or homophobe it makes it easy  on their tiny little brains. you are smart enough and young enough to understand that I went through  many of the same things you are going through, but realized later in my life that people who label you never really see the whole picture, I had a Psychiatryst who passed about 6 months ago, from what I saw he lived a really good life and he deserved it, but never once did he label me, that is a good man, I know this may be hard to face but if he is using you and it seems like he is but he offers you something ask him if there are any strings attached ie: do you have to be at his beck and call and if there are well that's your decision,That's the way it has to be

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