Getting closer to 40, and absolutely lost at the life game
Forum Replies Created
October 28, 2018 at 6:56 pm #234163
Thanks you Prash!
I’ve had a eye opening evening, watching videos (yay YouTube!) about narcissistic and manipulative personalities. And while I think he’s only a mild one (narcissist and manipulative), most of the boxes are getting checked nevertheless. I never gave him enough credit, for sure. I couldn’t imagine him being such a person. But the signs are there.
I’m paraphrasing a bit the video I just watched about manipulative people (she’s talking about people falling “victims” to manipulative people as being usually more intelligent):
It is a paradox, people who think too much (that would definitely be me). When you think too much, you ask yourself too many questions. Doubt is indivisible from intelligence: not being able to conceive free malice. Intelligent people are getting manipulated by their own intelligence, they question themselves, try to understand the other person. But they are trying understand with criterion that are beyond the situation and beyond that other person, because they can’t fathom the stupideness of this malice can even exists.
No amount of talking, explaining my feelings. Why I’m upset he did this or that, said this or that. None will ever make a difference.
I can’t explain the exhilaration I’m experiencing right now. It is not me. It was never me.October 28, 2018 at 3:59 pm #233921
I couldn’t not share this. I have a new definition of irony:
That day you have a talk with your ex-boyfriend and explain to him the importance of being acknowledged, as a partner/lover/girlfriend; then 36 hours later he posts a picture of him and new-girl on facebook.
Not. What. I. Meant…
That was just brilliant. I can’t do anything but smile at that.
He’s now unfollowed on FB – I didn’t think to do it before since he *never* posts anything. Well, didn’t use to.
Everytime I think and feel like I’m making progress and moving on, something happens.October 1, 2018 at 12:54 pm #228497
I’m glad it brought some help. I know it gave me a lot to think about. I think the biggest take-away was: a friend should never give you a feeling of anxiety, nor should it constantly make you wonder where the relationship/friendship stand. If you are always questioning if that person is a friend, then maybe they’re not.October 1, 2018 at 12:46 pm #228491
Just a quick update… I’m not sure things are really evolving, but contacts have been drastically cut outside of work. I did not hear from him for the past 4 days – as he went to visit the future Mrs. That gave me time to disconnect and enjoy my own week-end. I went on a semi-date (grabbed a drink at a bar) with someone. This is not going to go anywhere, but I got to try the online dating experience 🙂
I’m still waiting on news of him getting a parking pass. As of last week, he was more worried about her getting guest parking at his place next time she comes to visit then our carpool situation. Which is frustrating.
Slowly taking back charge of my own life is feeling good.September 17, 2018 at 10:50 am #226075
I had the “let’s not carpool and stop seeing each other outside of work” talk this morning. He seemed a little taken aback, but also agreed to it without any fight. Only practical downside right now is that we can only get parking passes starting the 1st or 16th or the month. And, yes, today is the 17th. Good timing!
I tried to make it super clear that it wasn’t about “the girls”. Even though they are not making a positive contribution to my mood and our overall relationship. This is about him simply not being a good friend. Our relation is completely one-sided: I’m the caretaker. I’m hoping all of this sinks with him. But if not, I don’t have regrets.
I naively thought I would instantly feel so much lighter, freer after this. I guess I need to give it a little time. 🙂September 15, 2018 at 10:55 am #225815
This is something I’ve thought about a lot. Knowing or expecting to get something out of a friendship/relationship seems a little cold, but, on some level, I agree there should be “something” good about it, right? And, yes, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I don’t think I am getting anything even remotely good out of it. I say embarrassing because I thought, truly thought, there was something there, hidden, that I might discover would have made all of this worth it eventually.
We are so involved in each other’s lives because we dated for 15 months and know each other on a fairly intimate level. That there might be a co-dependence is not untrue. Again, not an easy thing to admit, that you’d rather have a possibly unhealthy relation from someone you should have cut cords with a long time ago, rather than nothing.
I’m a very introverted person and no, I do not have many friends. I don’t find it easy to make friends and I don’t enjoy social/group settings. Quite frankly, I’m at an age when I don’t even know how to make new friends (not trying to play the sympathy card here, just a fact). I’ve hung on to that relation because it exists. It’s there, it’s known and familiar, and if it weren’t, I would probably feel isolated.September 14, 2018 at 9:21 am #225701
anita, we had a long, long conversation last evening where I expressed everything that was on my mind. Everything he’d done, and my feelings about this new girl (she’s a little psycho – already talking about marriage, and possibly eloping since her mother might not be OK with this union. It’s been 10 days, you crazy girl). What non-sense is this?
He said “not wanting to let me go as a friend”. I have to admit I thought this was nice at first. After a good night sleep, however, I see it as him wanting me around so I can witness this evolving relationship, and keep hearing about how much chemistry they have. I’m not going to let that happen.
I’ve also had a long conversation with my best friend about it this morning (he was away on vacation this whole week with no cell coverage – which was torture for me!! but he had fun 🙂 ). He’s a very rational, observant person, who always seems to be able to put things in perspective (almost as you do, anita). We both agree this never-ending cycle of hurting me and coming back to apologies is toxic.
I have decided to cut contact with him outside of work. This is going to be a little difficult as we both play in a team league together and have a friends wedding to attend next month (wedding he’s already planning on bringing new girl too. So that should be fun).
I took the day off today (this has been emotionally taxing on me and need a rest day) and plan on going to the beach. I’m hoping to get somewhat rejuvenated by this.
Thank you for following up!!September 12, 2018 at 9:54 am #225327
anita, I am so very sorry for causing these feelings to come out, that was certainly not the intent. Our brain can really mess with us at time. It tries to anticipate a behavior, or some words that are about to come and could hurt you. In a sense, I guess it’s a protective mechanism, but it doesn’t always end up helping. As in your case.
My words were genuine and I truly meant what I wrote. I hope you can be over the bad feelings you experienced.
In relation to your hypothetical scenario. If he were to say something of the sort, I would be far from satisfied. I might have close to a nuclear reaction, actually. After all the parading of the girls, for the past 2 years, for him to come to me and utter such words (which would never happen, you know that) would send me in a state of complete rage. There would be a lot of screaming, cursing, possibly crying (again, in anger, not sadness).
I think you are right, however, regarding his impulsivity. The current girl is, in his words, a carbon copy of himself: lazy, care-free, they both smoke (and have been desperately wanting to quit) and a few other similar personality traits. I believe there’s a good chance that she might be the lucky one. Over the past 7 days, I’ve heard a few things that raised red flags for me, but that is not something for me to worry about. In addition, I feel like voicing these concerns might be taken as me being jealous, and nothing else, so I stay quiet.September 11, 2018 at 6:35 pm #225245
Dear anita, I’ve been thinking about you this evening. What I’m about to say has nothing to do with the topic of this post.
I’ve seen you reply to almost every post on this forum, 100’s if not 1000’s of them. Your comments are always spot on, insightful, and researched (you will go back the a person’s older posts, re-quote them and really get in the meat of things). You are a true gem for this community and a unique human being (I mean that in the best and nicest possible way). So thank you. Just thank you, anita.September 11, 2018 at 5:30 pm #225241
Neha, I am myself going through a “should we really be friend phase” with someone. I also happen to listen to the Baggage Reclaim podcast on occasion. By coincidence, the author (Natalie) happens to make a post about friendship this week: https://soundcloud.com/baggagereclaim/ep-106-friendship-means-different-things-to-different-people
I listened to it attentively during my evening walk (I just came back and saw your post) and it was really helpful. Hope it can help you figure it out as well. (oh and anita always has great advice and insights too 🙂 )September 11, 2018 at 3:30 pm #225231
anita, ok, that hurt a little. “He doesn’t love you“. I’m partly joking. This is the type of things I need to hear/read. I don’t want him to love me anyway. Just respectful, decent and polite.
I think I was a little ambitious and had high expectations about the “serene acceptance”. Although it truly felt like that at the time I wrote it, the rest of my day has been anything but. My mood has been slowly getting worse throughout the day.
He knows I’ve been mad for the past couple of days and during the afternoon, he would pop up at my desk to say very random (non-work related) things. I’ve been staying away and keeping my answers to one or two-word sentences: “yes” “what?” “ok”. When what I really wanted to say was “Leave me alone! Stop trying to make nice”
We left work, had a smoke, he was going on his date with new girl (thanks for letting me figure out a ride home!) and wanted me to give him a hug. What the… ?
Silver lining? I won’t be seeing him for 2 days, which I think will do me some good.September 11, 2018 at 10:50 am #225207
Just a random thought: People are such strange creatures. I have my own thoughts, opinions, experience and feelings, and (selfishly, or naively) I assume other people just get it when I say what I say, or do what I do. Sometimes you have to explain what goes through your mind, but some people are just not willing to follow you there and understanding where you’re reaction is coming from.
I want thank everyone’s who taking a few minutes out of their time to reply to me. Every response was read carefully.
Littlemisssunshine05, I think anita’s comment is on point. People don’t always act out of malice or bad intentions, but act in the way they’ve always acted, as long as it works for them. Unfortunately, having never really spoken up myself, his behavior has “worked” for him until now. I will look up the movie you mentioned.
A few people, over both threads, have mentioned that “he must still like you” or “he must still have feelings for you”. As comforting and cute as the intent might be, I do not, for one second, want to give that any thoughts. It doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t help me move on. If he wanted me, he could have had me a million times over. That time has passed.September 11, 2018 at 8:36 am #225177
anita, what to say? Thank you, as always, for you thorough, though-out response. No details escapes your gaze 🙂
Well, he is amazingly consistent, one week. Although he is lagging behind with her, not living with her yet, and it is already a week!
That brought a small smile to my face, I needed it. Thanks!
He’s probably not living with her because she’s in a different state. Otherwise, who knows. They might have already been engaged by now. (yes, a little sarcasm. It helps)
… the clueless way he operates is working well for him.
I honestly never thought of it that way. So he plays dumb. (Knowingly) Screws up now, and apologies later. Actually, that sort of is his pattern, so it fits.
I’ve never, purposely, ended a friendship. This gives me a very odd feeling. This realization makes me neither sad, nor mad, but a serene acceptance that I need to do this for me. This is what I have to do to start having peace of mind and calm in my life.September 11, 2018 at 7:20 am #225157
I’ve been trying so hard to be the cool “ex-girlfriend-turned-best-friend” that I didn’t take a moment to stop and think about the toll this relationship has actually taking on me… Food for thoughtsSeptember 11, 2018 at 5:59 am #225153
Prash, I honestly don’t think of him as sadistic. I think he’s just absolutely clueless (I’ve told him that many times) and I wonder whether he understands basic human emotions at time, though. He sometimes thinks he can do no wrong (maybe slightly narcissistic).
Respect… Such an important notion, though, and I don’t think I’m getting any. His focus and his mind are clearly on this girl right now. I don’t know what hold she’s managed to create on him so fast, especially since they’ve only talked on the phone, and for a whole week. But I’m clearly not a concern. I think I need to admit there’s probably a bit of jealousy. I’m a little disappointed in myself for that.
Staying away and cutting personal contact is probably the wisest path to take.