Hi Lauren

From what you have written I don’t think you are over reacting.  Its possible that he is doesn’t realise the uncomfortable situations he often places you in however that is not an excuse as it suggests he is taking your friendship for granted.

As a guy, and ashamed that I have also done something similar to a friend in the past, its also possible that a part of him likes not quite letting you go and keeping you guessing.  A kind of ego power trip thing. Either way he is not “seeing” you.

If you truly don’t have any romantic feelings for the guy, or any expectations as a friend you could try to just maintain a work relationship. Let him know you are not willing to talk about personal matters, and you may want to find someone else to car pool with.

Dear Lauren,

When a person does the same thing repeatedly and insensitively you really need to start considering if there is a sadistic streak to what he is doing, some kind of perverse pleasure he seems to be having in causing you annoyance.

If I were you, I would definitely take the options that you had mentioned –

I don’t want to talk to him anymore.  I don’t want to hear “I’m sorry” from him anymore.  I want to be done.  I don’t even want to explain myself to him or him explain his side of the story.

If a person can’t show respect in friendship, then it doesn’t make sense continuing the friendship

Take care

Dear Lauren:

Welcome back. I re-read your posts of June last year.

You wrote here: “I don’t know what hold she’s managed to create on him so fast, especially since they’ve only talked on the phone, and for a whole week“. June 2017 you wrote about having dated him: “He asked me out… and things moved fast. He basically moved in with me after about a week“.

Well, he is amazingly consistent, one week. Although he is lagging behind with her, not living with her yet, and it is already a week!

About the relationship you had with him: “He would come to my house every evening, we spend all of our time together… it felt natural”. After a year, his parents put some pressure on him to meet and marry a woman of his culture, and he started talking to girls. You didn’t like it and broke up with him as a girlfriend, but remained his co worker and friend for about two years after, at this point. For about two years then, he has talked to you openly about girls. But the two of you “talk about everything and anything” and “he’s a fun person to be around”. What you called “the wife search saga” emotionally taxed you a year ago and it still does, as you described humorously on this thread.

My input: I agree with you that he is not sadistic (“I honestly don’t think of him as sadistic”), and I agree with you that he is clueless (“I think he’s absolutely clueless). But then, I don’t know if he should get a clue, because the clueless way he operates is working well for him. He is not  only easy to get along with (outside the talking to and about other women), but he is easy for himself to get along with, meaning, he is not conflicted, not that I noticed. So why get a clue.

Life with him was relatively simple, because his internal life is simple, so it was easy. It was convenient for you, after your divorce to be with an easy going person. I understand the draw.

He is impulsive and very unqualified, I say, to choose a wife for himself. His parents must be clueless as well to leave him to manage such a task.

You asked: “Am I just forcing a friendship that doesn’t have a reason to be in the first place?”-

You had a romantic interest in him but you no longer do and you are well aware that he will continue his impulsive, blind-in-the-dark search for a wife until he marries one (not you). The draw was easy-and-convenient. If it is no longer these two things, better end the friendship and keep it strictly a co workers friendly relationship within the context of work. Maybe an occasional lunch during the work day spent together, at the most, in a public place (no longer being alone with him in your place or his).

anita

Dear Lauren:

You are welcome. I enjoyed reading your first couple of lines ending with the smiley face. Thank you.

“he plays dumb. (Knowingly)”, not that knowingly. It simply works for him and he keeps doing what works for him. He probably didn’t think about it thoroughly, if at all. It just works for him so he keeps doing it. Awareness or acute awareness is not necessary for us to keep doing what works.

“serene acceptance” reads like a good indication that you are choosing correctly. From your share of June last year and today, reads to me that this friendship, at least outside work, is not serving you well.

anita

Dear Lauren:

People say things to make people feel  better, for example, “he must still have feelings for you”. It is called convenient thinking. I call it make believe thinking, fantasy. It makes people feel nice short term, at best. But long term thinking that is not congruent with reality harms us, keeps us stuck and repeating dysfunctional behavior.

Reality is, and correct me if I am wrong, Lauren, that regardless of what feelings he has for you, and regardless of his lack of malice and the extent of his awareness, he doesn’t love you: if he is not motivated to see you, to hear you, to know you, then he doesn’t love you. Specifically, if he doesn’t see your distress and doesn’t care to do what he can to not cause it or add to  it, then he doesn’t love you.

What did  Yoda said? There is do, there is don’t, there is no try. Something like that.

anita