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Lea

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  • #140949

    Lea
    Participant

    My husband is not a talker and he doesn’t read or watch movies. I asked before why not and he says he struggles to understand them. I think this is because he is a very straightforward person and struggles with the imagination needed to get into a film, and doesn’t have the patience or interest for reading.

     

    I have tried to talk to him about the fact I feel we are missing an emotional connection that makes us different to being just room mates or friends. The intimacy of being emotionally open with your partner. He said he didn’t understand what I meant, that I think too much and it’s mumbo jumbo to him.

    I asked if he considered we could be more like friends rather than husband and wife (is we love each other but perhaps not ‘in love) and he said he didn’t understand the difference and love is love.

    I hope that makes sense.

     

    #140879

    Lea
    Participant

    Hi Anita
    I think you have an interesting point about whether this issue will follow me into any future relationship, if I do leave.

    However I did have more of a connection with my ex husband, and subsequently my work colleague, than I do my current husband.</p>

    I wonder if it’s more that I married him unconsciously knowing he would never hurt me in the same way that my first husband did, because he doesn’t seem to display emotion in the same way my ex did?

    I feel that my current husband won’t hurt me (in the fact he wouldn’t leave me), and is reliable and steady, all things which my ex wasn’t in the end after his  breakdown.

    However the lack of emotion and connection between me and current husband makes me feel dead inside.

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Lea.
    #140809

    Lea
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I would like to be in a relationship with someone who values me and also I can really talk to. My husband and I find it difficult to communicate beyond the day to day simple things like ‘was your day OK?’ And ‘what shall we eat for dinner?’ Etc.

    I would like to be in a relationship where we shared more, whether that be plans for the future, books we have read, an article we thought the other might find interesting. Just more interaction beyond the essential. Perhaps we might watch a movie together and talk about it after. Or eat a dinner together and spend quality time together.

    I would like a partner who has a shared vision for the future and wants to do things with me-travel, days out, just generally share a life with.

    I want to feel listened to, understood and an important part of my partners world. I want to be occasionally made a priority. I want someone who wants to share their life with me.

    I don’t want to feel lonely in my relationship and that is how I feel now. My husband doesn’t understand me, thinks I have unrealistic expectations of life, and that my talk of an emotional connection is mumbo jumbo. It makes me feel like I am wrong for wanting a more meaningful relationship.

    I want to be with someone where we are content just in each others company.

    Am I being unrealistic?

    Thanks

    #140799

    Lea
    Participant

    I’m not sure if ’emotional depth’ is the right phrase. I guess I mean that both my mother and husband do not strive for growth or self improvement or to do things with their lives, other than what society expects from them.

    My mother was content settling for a husband she didn’t love, in a job she didn’t enjoy. She wakes up, watches TV, goes to bed. My husband wakes up, works hard, goes to bed. Neither seem to want any more than that.

    I feel that I need more from my life. I want meaningful connections with people. I want to spend my time well and not waste it… I want to push myself and really live and love well.

    I hope this makes sense

     

     

    #140787

    Lea
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I think you are right. It’s not something I have really considered until recently and since posting on here. I have always known I wanted ‘more’ in life, but it’s only since my mother told me recently that she felt I expected too much from life that I’ve really seen the differences between us.

    She thinks I should be happy with my lot and not strive for more. Eg my husband is a good man, does DIY around the house, works hard, what more could I want? There doesn’t seem to be much emotional depth with my mother or my husband. I’m only just seeing the similarities now…

    #140701

    Lea
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Yes I do. I don’t mean that negatively, just that my mother is content in her life so that’s good for her. I want to be content, but want to live in a different way to her. She is in her early 60s and has a progressive illness which is terminal and caused by smoking all her life.

    I guess this may have an impact on why I’m so keen to really live my life. In recent time I gave noticed that there are similarities between my husband and mother in the fact they are both content with living a simple life…

    Again, nothing wrong with that but I feel I want more.

    #140585

    Lea
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I am very different to my parents. We have very different outlooks on life. My parents were satisfied working their manual labour jobs, one holiday a year, and spending all their free time watching TV. They also aren’t very happy together….they have ‘settled’ for each other. My mother said openly to me that my father was not the love of her life but life is like that. That’s not the sort of life I want.

    I don’t want to sound like I’m being mean, I’m not, we just have very different outlooks. I don’t have children so my free time outside work is my own. I like to travel. I like to push myself and do things that take me out of my comfort zone. Last week I did a skydive to raise money for charity. I went on holiday for a few days on my own in January. I plan to attend a mindfulness weekend retreat next month. I spend a lot of time with my friends. My mother thinks I do too much and thinks the way I live my life isn’t normal. She says that I don’t seem to be able to just sit at home and relax. I do that most weekday evenings, reading, but she doesn’t seem to think that’s enough. I think the fact that I haven’t had children also frustrates her because it isn’t ‘normal’ in her eyes not to.

    I’m just very aware that we are here for a very short time and I want to make the most of it. Maybe this attitude does have something to do with my marriage problems. My husband, when home from work, prefers to sit in front of the TV or do chores. Not unlike my mother. He has also said he thinks I have ‘unrealistic expectations of life’.

    I don’t think I do but I would be interested to hear what others think. I just want to be on a relationship where I feel content with my partner.

    Thanks

     

     

    #140545

    Lea
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Sorry you find yourself so low at the moment. I don’t think you are ready for another relationship yet. I think you should use this time focusing on YOU and developing other interests.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>You will meet someone when you are meant to and you will wonder why you worried so much and why you didn’t enjoy this time of your life instead.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Read, exercise, visit new places. When you are doing the things you enjoy you will find yourself in a much healthier place and a better position to start a new relationship.</p>

    #140543

    Lea
    Participant

    Hi Donna

    Could you elaborate a bit more?

    It’s funny, my mother thinks I ‘expect too much from life’ and should accept my relationship with my husband for what it is and be grateful.

    Like I said earlier, my husband is a good man and he is very good at practical things. For example, the bills are paid on time, if the car needs maintenance or whatever he arranges that. From a practical partnership point of view, he is good. From an emotional point of view, not so much. That’s not to say we don’t speak – we do, but it’s always very superficial and about day to day things, eg how was your day? What shall we have for dinner? Shall we put this TV show on? We need to do such and such…  As someone who doesn’t seem to have much emotional depth, this is enough for him and he is happy and content with our relationship which is another reason why it’s difficult to change things. He cannot fix something he doesn’t consider to be broken.

    Thanks Anita for your words, it’s like you have summed up the whole situation.

    I wonder what is stopping me leaving him. Love? I’m not afraid of being on my own but something is stopping me leaving.

     

    Thanks

    #140483

    Lea
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I think you have summed it up perfectly. My husband is a very nice guy and I care for him deeply but I didn’t realise how much was lacking in our relationship until the interaction with my co worker. The only way I can describe it is its as if life was black and white before, but now I know it can be colour. I felt passion and alive .

    I feel guilty and bad because my husband has not changed … I have. He is finding it very difficult to understand.

    He is a good man but our relationship doesn’t fulfil me. Would it be terrible to leave him, even though I do love him, because of this?

     

    Thanks

     

    #140457

    Lea
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    My relationship with my 1st husband was very good (if inexperienced as we started dating at 16) until 3 months after we married. He had a string of bad things happen to him (an issue at work which meant he nearly got fired, his mother got cancer, our dog died and then his parents very unexpectedly split) and this triggered a deep depression. He then became suicidal and had to see a psychiatrist. They tried him on different meds but he was never the same person again. He decided he didn’t want to be married any more, that he no longer felt the same for me. This was 3 months after our wedding. We spent the next 2 years trying to see if we could fix things but we couldn’t. He would go thru weeks of saying he thought he loved me again followed by weeks of telling me he didn’t love me. It was a very difficult time where I supported him emotionally and financially and it hurt immensely to be rejected with no real explanation. After 2 years something inside me snapped and I could no longer do ithe any more. He maintained at the end that he didn’t love me anymore and it wasn’t his mental health issues clouding it, but more him being unhappy and unsatisfied with his life causing his mental health issues. Everyone we knew including his family were deeply shocked about how he changed and our separation as it was such a bolt out of the blue.

    II think when I met my current husband I was very attracted to the stability he offered and the fact he was very straightforward and trustworthy and dependable. However he literally has no emotion. He can say he loves me but he has never cried since childhood, despite his brother being killed a few years ago. On our wedding day he decided not to do a speech (on the day – I was expecting him to do one and he didn’t say he had changed his mind) because he had nothing to say. I know he loves me in his own way but I feel I am just a part of the furniture in his life rather than a priority. Relationships are a priority in my life, work is the priority with him.

    Thanks

    #140405

    Lea
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply.

    I don’t have a ‘passion’ in my life but I do keep myself with my own hobbies. I enjoy reading and have founded a book club where we live. I love to travel and see new places and do this as much as I can although I end up doing it on my own as my husband is not able to come with me due to his work.

    I also love music, TV and films and do these regularly. I also have some really good friends who I socialise with on a regular basis.

    So yes you are right, I don’t have a big passion in my life of a major hobby, but I do keep busy with these things….

    Thanks

    #140361

    Lea
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    We have never really had any talks about ‘important ‘ stuff. Not even about whether or not to have children! I don’t think either of us have a massive urge to have kids but when I tried to talk to him about it I just got the reply ‘I’m not adverse to it’. And that was it.

    We don’t talk about things we want to do together, places we want to visit, what we want from our future. We live very much in the moment and reactive around his work and schedule. He would never initiate a dinner, weekend away, holidays. He will go with me if he is free.

    It was just so different with my work colleague. We discussed books, movies, what we wanted from life, the future. I don’t know.  It’s so hard to explain.

    I tried to talk to my husband about our lack of emotional connection and depth and he said I was talking mumbo jumbo and he didn’t understand.

    Does that make any sense to you?

     

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