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Thank you for your samurai story. I really like it – it is very pertinent for the issue I continually face.
As you summed up ” The samurai leaves the SC not out of anger or disappointment but because it is the correct action for the samurai to take. ”
Very grateful for your sharing with me the story and your wisdom – as you actively and patiently listen to my concerns.
I feel as if I have grown.
Really appreciate it Peter!
Thank you again for caring via listening attentively and then responding thoughtfully. Means a lot! Thank you!
For a long time, it has been very difficult to acknowledge that my own mother is a narc or is toxic. We grew up indoctrinated that she can do no wrong – and everything that she did was because of love, and I have to be grateful for her satisfying my physical needs for food and shelter.
A few years ago, she started to do a few things which were blatantly and incomprehensively unkind. I think she found it difficult to accept that I have become very independent of her. And it is perhaps her perverse way of drawing me back to her. What she did plunged me into depression. The silver lining is that, in my attempt to understand her and her actions, I grew and pierced the original delusion I had about her.
Your insights have enabled me to again revisit my childhood, and realise that maybe my preoccupation with justice, albeit a little trivial, stems from what happened during my childhood – and to put in your words, perhaps my attempt to right the “core injustice” that happened to me and my siblings all those years ago.
Perhaps within me is an anger – a burning flame – that has never been extinguished.
So, to heal and move forward, would the way be to accept that all of us are flawed (including my mother), and then let go? As you rightly said, injustice is everywhere.
Thanks again Anita for your invaluable insights!
Thank you for asking and helping me get to the bottom of my “injustice” issue.
I have 2 siblings, and we were parented by a single mother, whom I came to realise is a narcissistic and toxic person. She has little capacity for empathy, is self centred, controlling, critical, etc. If you read about the traits of a narcissistic mother, she has all of them.
To this day, each time I contact her (we don’t live in the same country), she would never ask about how I am doing but instead, focus on what she wants from me – in a very ungrateful and demanding way. It is very clear that it is all about her. It is my culture to respect elders, so all my siblings just give in to her whims and wishes. She is getting older now, and those demands are increasing. I feel that she uses us for her own needs. I don’t think we have ever got any form of emotional support from her. The only support from her was housing, education, clothes, food, etc when we were growing up.
My dad died when we were 5 years old, and my mother had an affair with a married man. This man tortured and abused us kids, physically and emotionally. The abuse lasted till we were grown-up in our late teens. I left as soon as I could to study univeristy in another country. And never returned to live with my mother, much to her disappointment as she wanted me to be back looking after her.
The above is a brief account of my childhood. There was a lot of trauma as we were abused as children.
When dealing with my mum, while I understand that it is important to set boundaries, I don’t want to feel the guilt of neglecting her when she passes on. She is elderly now. So, I find myself wrestling with a dislike for her as a toxic person/parent, but a deep care for her because she is my mother.
Dear Peter –
No apologies needed! I do appreciate the kindness in your heart for assisting me – and you have, a lot more than you realise!
Both you and Anita have been fabulous in providing me with fruitful perspectives to help me grow. I am eager to learn and probe deeper into why I do certain things habitually. And yes, this police role is absolutely true – unsure why I continually go out of my way to see that perpetrators do not get away with misdeeds. I have started to ponder why I am this way, why I am so attached to the outcome to the extent that I want to control it – rather than detaching from the outcome.
I am very new to Buddhism so I have a lot to learn. Any guidance would again be gratefully received.
Thank you again Peter.
Dear Anita – Thank you again for your dedication to helping me. Yes, you are absolutely right! There was a lot of childhood trauma that perhaps is manifesting in adulthood. I really had to delve into it today before I responded. Thank you again for your kindness and thought-provoking messages. They have helped me a great deal!
Thank you for your considered advice. I appreciate it very much. Problem is that I find it hard to be involved and not blow the whistle on such unethical behaviour. I understand you said to adopt the middle way. However I am unsure how I can see those wrongdoings (by being in the SC) and keep quiet. It is my calling out on such behaviours that has led to ridicule and abuse by other SC members. Hence I am thinking that I should bail out completely because I feel that under the circumstances, I cannot be an SC member and yet keep quiet. I simply cannot “unsee” things that I see. What do you think?
Hi Anita – thank you for your great advice. From what you have written, I think you are suggesting that I would do well to accept that there is so much injustice in our world that I cannot change. This is widely known, yet something in me just cannot accept – until perhaps after reading what you wrote. My holding on to this ideal view of the world has perhaps caused me much suffering as you articulated i.e. sleepless nights, ridicule, abuse, etc
You know, I have wrestled with this issue for years. Yet the simplicity in which you communicated your thoughtful, clever and kind advice has been profound for me. It has relieved me of a burden I carried for years. I am very grateful.
Why have I just held on to this for so long??
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH ANITA!