I would like help in being able to build my self-esteem in order to sort myself put with earning money. I think if I did this I wouldn’t feel so trapped and helpless. The problem is I have no idea how to do this.

as children and onward, we tend see our parents and our childhoods in the best positive light, turning our attention away from the negative, and focusing on the positive. Children do this automatically, so to feel safer. When grown up, this selective view continues.

I don’t really feel I’m just focusing on just the positive with my family. I can honestly say hand on heart that I always felt safe and fully loved and supported. I’m not making that up. What I have realised over the past few years is that I assume all families are the same or should be the same. This is wrong of me because not every family are as close and there’s nothing wrong with that. I feel let down by my husband’s family because I thought they were also going to be warm and loving and caring especially to their grandchildren and they’re just naturally not wired up that way. So I had to change my mindset of feeling letdown and hurt when they wouldn’t show their warmth to ‘thats just how they are’. Problem is when that’s coupled with them being verbally offensive and expecting everyone around them to panda to them it crossed a boundary and that’s where the problem is.

I do feel so incredibly regretful that I never had a proper career set up for myself. I’m educated and always worked (but nothing leading to a specific career) but when I had kids I gave all that up. I’m completely stuck in a rut because I can’t see me ever being able to be independent and having a job anymore. I’m so envious of working mothers because they have the confidence to work. I don’t even know what work I would do as I’m 44 now. I’m getting on. I don’t feel I have any skills to give. I feel lost.

1) I thought I got to know everyone especially my husband but I beat myself up about that now because in hindsight there were warning signs of this kind of behaviour and I brushed it off. My husband was a very different person before we were married, since we had kids and he’s getting older he’s becoming more and more like his father and that worries me. I thought we’d have a happy little family unit together. I just wish I would’ve had more sense back then tbh. I even had his sister’s as my bridesmaids, I thought if I did that it would make us so much closer. I always wanted a sister and I was hoping I’d be able to look on them as sisters. I feel silly about that now.

2) I never felt 2nd place as a child. I came from a very loving, supportive family. Not perfect, but no family is. I have two older brothers who I’m still close to and both my parents have been a massive support during this time of my life. I do feel blessed for having this and some people don’t have anyone.

3) I’ve learnt to stick up for myself and speak up since school as I was bullied back then. I’m honest in the sense that I’m upfront about being upset about things. I’ll say ‘you’ve upset me because’… I like to know where I am with people and I’d like to be the same back.

I would love to go to counseling and even tried to get myself individual counseling in September. I’m still waiting for a therapist to get back to me. I was told due the pandemic the waiting list is a year long and I don’t have the money to go privately. I’d even have to pay for the one I’m waiting for which is a ‘charity’ amount of money which I’d struggle to pay but could scrape together.

I’ve started reading a few books to help me through in the meantime but tbh the whole therapy thing is a complete nightmare at the moment.

i think we have a healthy enough family life when we’re not having to deal with this issue. my children are 11, 8 and 5. His relationshop with my 8 year old is a bit strained. My husband doesnt have the same patience level as me and the kids notice that, this is was causes the strain between them. Apart for that he’s an ok dad, he plays with the kids and provides for them.

We take family holidays and they’re always nice enough and we go out for family feals and things. When we do spend time together we get on fine. I wouldnt say im in love with him anymore because of all the hurtful things he’s said and done, i can honestly say sometimes i dont even like him that much but he’s the father of my kids. I married him because i loved him, and thought he’d protect me and the family we have and make me feel safe. He sometimes reminds me of his dad which is very hard.

I find him to be very thoughtless and self-centered. Not with birthdays or christmas or anything like that, but with every day life and feelings. Everything is about him its never about me or the children. He finds it very hard to stand in someone elses shoes and feel what they’re feeling.

I spoke to him last night. He told me the family treat me the way they do because I won’t forgive them for the stuff they’ve done and I won’t apologise. He said his sisters don’t like me because I speak out to their father. His words were “how would you like an outsider coming along and having a go at your mum” ….an outsider…that’s how they see me. After 12 years of marriage and 18 years being together. They also said they’re hurt because I won’t ‘forgive’ them, they want an apology from me for not forgiving them!

Surly it’s up to the individual whom they do or do not forgive? I feel I’m being bullied into forgiving.

He said he gets why I feel the way I do and he has stuck up for me but he wants to get to the point where we are ok as a couple when it comes to family situations and gatherings. I told him I won’t ever stop him from seeing them, but I personally can’t have a relationship with them. So what does he do? He sets up a group WhatsApp with me, him and his mum. I don’t want to say anything to her.

His mum said that I’ve fractured the family. That there’s hurt on both sides, they’ve nearly finished my marriage with their actions, and there’s hurt on BOTH sides!

I feel like just throwing in the towel I’m so sick of the same argument go round and round.

Oh my word it makes me feel so much better reading your reply because I’m feeling this is being all ironed out in my head! Thanks so much.

Things are ok when we don’t have to deal with his family, we differ quite a lot in personality which has been harder to work through because of this situation really. For example, there’s times when he’ll be rude like his dad but I won’t take it and he does apologise and backs off. I kind of expect it though because i remind myself who he’s been raised by so it’s obviously ‘normal’ to him, I see he also has narcissistic tendancies at times. I’m trying to raise my kids not to be the same and they understand because they’re not impressed with their grandfather’s behaviour, nor their fathers at times.

The thing I’m most worried about are the children. They don’t have a close bond with his family as they’ve never shown interest but I feel my husband is forcing a relationship on them. My two sons aren’t fond of their aunts as they’ve heard me being bad mouthed by them. One even read nasty text messages on my husband’s phone about me. This really upset my son. If I say to my husband he should go visit them alone he always wants to take the kids and they desperately don’t want to go and I just don’t trust them around my kids as I honestly think they’re toxic. So what do I do? I’ll be accused of being controlling and accused if keeping the kids away.

We have a religious family celebration for my son approaching soon and he wants to invite his parents and his sisters and none of them speak to me! He says its important to him they should be there and I’m not being supportive if I can’t do it. These people have ruined nearly every family event. His dad even told me I looked ugly on my wedding day for instance! I’ve literally been dealing with this for all these years and I’m so tired now.

I don’t get why it’s so important to invite people who show absolutely no interest in our kids 99% of the time unless it’s at an event which other people can see them at.

Should I agree to invite them but just stay away from them? To be honest my family are so cross with them and how I’ve been treated. The atmosphere will be awful!

What would be best and most fair?