Forum Replies Created
September 10, 2021 at 6:23 am #386046
i think we have a healthy enough family life when we’re not having to deal with this issue. my children are 11, 8 and 5. His relationshop with my 8 year old is a bit strained. My husband doesnt have the same patience level as me and the kids notice that, this is was causes the strain between them. Apart for that he’s an ok dad, he plays with the kids and provides for them.
We take family holidays and they’re always nice enough and we go out for family feals and things. When we do spend time together we get on fine. I wouldnt say im in love with him anymore because of all the hurtful things he’s said and done, i can honestly say sometimes i dont even like him that much but he’s the father of my kids. I married him because i loved him, and thought he’d protect me and the family we have and make me feel safe. He sometimes reminds me of his dad which is very hard.
I find him to be very thoughtless and self-centered. Not with birthdays or christmas or anything like that, but with every day life and feelings. Everything is about him its never about me or the children. He finds it very hard to stand in someone elses shoes and feel what they’re feeling.September 9, 2021 at 7:07 am #385997
No i mean im not sure how much longer i can stay in a marraige thats fundamentally unhappy. But i see no other option as im financially dependant on him anyway and i wouldnt want to break up my kids home. Theyre having their own issues with school and i dont think they could take the stress of it.
I’m never ever going to give in to his or thier requests …ever! its very hard living an every day life with someone knowing how they really feel about you, that you’re 2nd best or even further down on the pecking order. I see other people around me whos husbands seem devoted to them and i really feel ive drawn the short straw, but there angin who knows what goes on behind thier closed doors!September 8, 2021 at 10:52 pm #385982
I spoke to him last night. He told me the family treat me the way they do because I won’t forgive them for the stuff they’ve done and I won’t apologise. He said his sisters don’t like me because I speak out to their father. His words were “how would you like an outsider coming along and having a go at your mum” ….an outsider…that’s how they see me. After 12 years of marriage and 18 years being together. They also said they’re hurt because I won’t ‘forgive’ them, they want an apology from me for not forgiving them!
Surly it’s up to the individual whom they do or do not forgive? I feel I’m being bullied into forgiving.
He said he gets why I feel the way I do and he has stuck up for me but he wants to get to the point where we are ok as a couple when it comes to family situations and gatherings. I told him I won’t ever stop him from seeing them, but I personally can’t have a relationship with them. So what does he do? He sets up a group WhatsApp with me, him and his mum. I don’t want to say anything to her.
His mum said that I’ve fractured the family. That there’s hurt on both sides, they’ve nearly finished my marriage with their actions, and there’s hurt on BOTH sides!
I feel like just throwing in the towel I’m so sick of the same argument go round and round.September 8, 2021 at 2:10 pm #385971
Thank you so much for your advice. You’ve really really helped me. For so long I’ve been questioning myself and you’ve helped me clarify how I feel and what to do about the situation.September 7, 2021 at 2:39 pm #385926
Oh my word it makes me feel so much better reading your reply because I’m feeling this is being all ironed out in my head! Thanks so much.
Things are ok when we don’t have to deal with his family, we differ quite a lot in personality which has been harder to work through because of this situation really. For example, there’s times when he’ll be rude like his dad but I won’t take it and he does apologise and backs off. I kind of expect it though because i remind myself who he’s been raised by so it’s obviously ‘normal’ to him, I see he also has narcissistic tendancies at times. I’m trying to raise my kids not to be the same and they understand because they’re not impressed with their grandfather’s behaviour, nor their fathers at times.
The thing I’m most worried about are the children. They don’t have a close bond with his family as they’ve never shown interest but I feel my husband is forcing a relationship on them. My two sons aren’t fond of their aunts as they’ve heard me being bad mouthed by them. One even read nasty text messages on my husband’s phone about me. This really upset my son. If I say to my husband he should go visit them alone he always wants to take the kids and they desperately don’t want to go and I just don’t trust them around my kids as I honestly think they’re toxic. So what do I do? I’ll be accused of being controlling and accused if keeping the kids away.
We have a religious family celebration for my son approaching soon and he wants to invite his parents and his sisters and none of them speak to me! He says its important to him they should be there and I’m not being supportive if I can’t do it. These people have ruined nearly every family event. His dad even told me I looked ugly on my wedding day for instance! I’ve literally been dealing with this for all these years and I’m so tired now.
I don’t get why it’s so important to invite people who show absolutely no interest in our kids 99% of the time unless it’s at an event which other people can see them at.
Should I agree to invite them but just stay away from them? To be honest my family are so cross with them and how I’ve been treated. The atmosphere will be awful!
What would be best and most fair?September 7, 2021 at 12:01 pm #385923
Hi thanks for your response.
I spoke to him today and he feels by visiting them it’s sorted it out even though I’ve had no apology or heard anything from his parents. He feels I should draw a line under everything and move on..maybe I should, but if I do then all this stuff will just keep happening. I told him I can’t have a relationship with his sisters and parents because I find the negativity they project is too much for my mental health.
I’ve always been able to speak up for myself and I’m the kind of person to be extremely honest if someone has upset me. My father-in-law has always been rude, the way the whole family speaks to eachother at times is shocking but no one ever stands up to him, apart from me and other people who are outside of the family say this is his problem with me. I dare to speak up and to add insult to injury I’m a woman.
My self-esteem in others parts of life isn’t great tbh. I’m a full-time housewife and don’t feel as if I could cope financially if I were to split up from my husband. I used to work before I had kids but that was 10 years ago and feel completely terrified of ‘going out to work’ again. I’ve tried various things to help me, taking online courses, even starting freelance work for a little bit but I felt out of my depth and scared of failing. I think feeling dependant on him makes me feel trapped in a very unhappy situation. Then there’s the whole issue with the kids mental health and how it would effect them.
Its all such a mess.