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Lily

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • January 23, 2023 at 11:01 am #414331
    Lily
    Participant

    Again, I apologize for the html that keeps showing up, I’m not sure how to make it so that doesn’t happen.

    January 23, 2023 at 11:00 am #414330
    Lily
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you so much for breaking it down as you did. I appreciate and understand how you broke down your perspective on my paranoia and my interrogating questions, what you said i agree with. I do not believe myself to be morally superior to him, I just would’ve hoped he had the same respect I had for him when put into a situation where a mutual friend is involved. I understand he was drunk and trust that it lowered his inhibitions and he made the wrong decision to sleep with her. I just still feel very hurt by it. I have done a lot of thinking and believe he is telling the truth and it did happen before we started talking and dating again. I am working through my insecurity now that he chose her, even if we weren’t together, and that he chose to not tell me. I have done work in therapy to over come what I have been through in my past. Helcat; thank you for responding. That’s a good question “What would actually help you rebuild trust and recover from this?”. I think I thought that if I talked to him more and asked more questions it would help me be more at ease. I realize how being interrogated could cause someone to shut down, which is why he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.  But I think I just need to keep focusing on the fact that it was a mistake, my insecurities feel high.. I believe I am hurt by the action itself (causing insecurity) and the lie as well. I think moving forward I have to focus on the insecurity of it happening and realize that I can trust that he is telling the truth even though he felt it would’ve been better to hide it initially.

    January 20, 2023 at 10:20 am #414159
    Lily
    Participant

    Helcat, I am trying to fully accept that he didn’t tell me so he wouldn’t lose me / hurt me. But I am an open and honest person and if roles were reversed I would have told him when he asked the first time. He had no plans to tell me, I basically gave him an ultimatum because I knew he was not telling me the truth, and that’s when he told me. Our relationship before this had come out was going great, I trusted him. I agree with your advice, to try and approach him with a less direct approach, he has told me he does not want to speak about it anymore and will not answer anymore questions. This makes me scared he’s still hiding something and that’s why he is being so dismissive. I just want to believe that this wouldn’t lead to more lies in future, and that I can eventually get over it and move on. I just don’t know how to quiet my mind and feel like talking to him is the only way but I just feel like I can’t, without a fight starting. I appreciate your example and when I do talk to him I am going to use that approach, thank you! I just feel like the only way I can move on from this is to talk it through with him eventually.

    January 20, 2023 at 10:10 am #414157
    Lily
    Participant

    Okay Anita, thank you!

    January 19, 2023 at 2:55 pm #414136
    Lily
    Participant

    Helcat;

    thank you for replying, I do have a hard time trusting my partner when it comes to this situation, I sometimes have the fear that it happened after we had already started to date again, but he has said it didn’t. I have debated with myself why I want to know about something that went on when we were apart as well so thank you for asking that. I want to know because when we got back together we both discussed if we had seen anyone, and I lost trust when he continued to lie to me about who he had seen. He had seen someone else too, before her, that didn’t bother me. What bothers me is that it was a friend of mine, and they both chose to actively hide it from me. I feel betrayed. I feel I would have been fine with it if it was just out in the open from the beginning.

    January 19, 2023 at 2:51 pm #414135
    Lily
    Participant

    I’m not sure why there is a lot of html that shows up in my posts, sorry for that

    January 19, 2023 at 2:50 pm #414134
    Lily
    Participant

    Anita;

    Thank you for replying! I think so, I do usually want to know more yes, I think I want to know more and more because I do not get a consistent answer from him, and I get dismissed very quickly because he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore… so it makes me believe something more is being hidden. I feel like if I am able to get the honest answers and even possibly proof? Or a in depth conversation, then I can move on and that “itch” would go away…

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)