Hello Amber,
I share your frustration! Sometimes when I talk to a male friend that I care very deeply for, I feel like I’ve overstepped my boundaries and then I wind up regretting saying anything to him and I don’t talk to him for days – or worse, I apologize for being too emotional. He always reassures me that I haven’t done anything weird, but I think my own self-doubt makes me FEEL like I am miscommunicating. I have found a technique that helps me a lot – when I take the time to use it…

In your case, with situations where you need to communicate that someone has done something that hurt or offends you – try writing your feelings down before you actually try to say them aloud. Maybe reading them back to yourself will help you to say precisely how you feel without losing control of your emotions. I have tried this and it works.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by LisaS. Reason: typo

Zehnen,
Thank you for your uplifting comments! I have been trying very hard to let go of negative thoughts as soon as I notice I’m heading that way. I’ve been on that Happify site as well and I tell you – I think it’s really working. I’m starting to accept and even relish that I dance to a different tune. If the men I’ve met thus far don’t want someone who is trustworthy, kind, tender-hearted, playful and “usually” pretty darn cheerful, then I just haven’t been meeting the right men. It isn’t my loss, it’s theirs…Thank you also for the links – I’ll be checking those out.

Love,
Lisa

Richele, Zehnen, Kaya & Matt,

I think the fact that we’re here reading & writing in these forums means we want to make a positive change in our lives. I too have this “ego-voice” nagging me day & night. I’ve gone to sleep crying and woke up crying. I’ve tried to hide my troubles in social activity, but being an INFJ (introvert), I find myself forcing relationships to happen and coming off way too aggressive. It actually winds up repelling the very people I’m trying to attract. It is difficult for me to really feel at ease in social situations. I can’t engage in healthy, positive relationships if I don’t believe I have anything valuable to offer. So I am here in this forum to start that process.

The one thing in my life right now that I am really trying to focus on is finding the “real me”. I have always tried to be what I thought I was supposed to be – to make my significant others happy. I’ve been a “pleaser” in all of my intimate relationships and those relationships have failed. I know that it is because I have not been true to my own nature. And that is because I feel ashamed of my nature.

In case it’s sounding that way – no, I’m not gay, but I have always been a tomboy. Much more comfortable being friends with men than with women. Maybe I’ve just hidden there all this time because it didn’t force me to embrace my feminine self. I am afraid she will not be pretty enough, that she never learned how to cook, that she has no fashion sense, or that she will not be a good enough wife.

Actually – there is some justification for that feeling. I can actually mark the moment that my 12yr marriage crashed & burned – when my husband told me I was a “disappointment as a wife”. What a hurtful thing to say! Not that he wasn’t free with other criticism as well… But now, even though I have been on my own since February – I find myself picking up his slack with this abusive ego-voice, telling me “maybe he was right”.

I don’t want to be in that place anymore. I am going to do everything in my power to learn to love myself. Learn how to cook, buy clothes from somewhere besides Target, and so on. I do believe that quote that says “no one will ever love you more than you love yourself”. No one can fix that for me – I have to do that work myself.