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Rob

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    Rob
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    After being together for 20 years and married for just over 16 years my wife gave me the talk that she didn’t love me anymore. She used a Seinfeld reference, “It’s not you, it’s me”. She thought it was best for us to spend time apart and maybe I could move in to the basement. Instead it took me several weeks for find a suitable place to live. At first I didn’t want to believe that 16+ years of marriage could be over just like that. I started an email, to myself, a personal diary to get my feelings and daily activities on paper. I tried to text my wife to keep the lines of communications open, I felt that the longer we were apart and not talking, the less likely we were to get back together. I wanted to be in that 20% of separated couples that would get back together. I think that my texts were sounding desperate, which was a mistake. Please don’t do that. If you have to text, send the occasional text asking about their day or work. There were many many nights of crying myself to sleep at night, when I was able to sleep. We met for coffee about two weeks after I was out of the house and it was very emotional for me. I asked some questions about what led up to that day and asked my wife if there was someone else. She said no, but if she did meet someone that she would tell me. She did say that she was going out with some of the guys from work to watch NFL Football on Sundays and Mondays. I knew then that she would meet someone else. I asked her if there was any chance of us getting back together and she said, “not right now”. Well there was less sleep and more crying again. I have no family left and realized that I would be spending my first Christmas by myself. There was some occasional contact, we stopped at Costco for shopping and a hotdog and it seemed like there was progress. There was even a text saying that she was in a better place and that our meetings were good. I did nice things for my wife buying her chocolate, shoveling snow and leaving hand written love notes. Then, I was invited to the in-laws for Christmas supper, but I did not want to go. I eventually asked my wife if she was okay with me over for supper and not just to have me out there to make her parents happy. It was nice evening and then I got a text after New Year saying that she was officially dating someone and was in love with him. More waterworks and more sleepless nights. I did confront my wife why she was okay with me being over for Christmas supper when she already had designs on another man. Her response was that she didn’t want me to be alone at Christmas. I don’t think she realized that hurt more than it helped, especially when less then a week later she was dating someone. I have only a very few friends to talk to so that made this time even harder. After that text it was decided to split the marital assets, because there was no hope of reconciliation.¬† We are at that point and the divorce papers are being drawn up, I am just a cheap kite twisting in the wind and am just an observer. I have good days and then there is the occasional¬† bad day which sets me back, more crying and emotion again. There are many many triggers that set me back emotionally and I end up crying again, that won’t stop. Make sure that you have to endure this you get professional help and talk to as many friends as possible. I know this is easy to say, hard to do, but it is important. I only know two things in life for certain: I know that I still love my wife dearly and I know when her memory of our time together fades, I will still feel exactly the same as I did when I first told my wife that I loved her.

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