Hi anita,

That is what I want – to go back to being best friends and just that. Not him hurting, not me confused. I understand it might be tough for him, but I wish it will be alright and we don’t lose our friendship and good bond that we have.

Guess I am again losing sight of my own self.

Will discuss again with him and update you.

Thanks for being patient with me and supporting me during this difficult phase.

littlered

Hi anita,

i net him for coffee and explained to him that I cannot be with him today. He was very understanding and tried to explain his point of view too but I said no.

Sadly he said he cannot be friends too as it is too painful for him to remain in contact with me. So I lost an 11 year friendship today. He wished me a good life and happiness in life always. I can not control my tears. I am deeply sad to have lost him as a friend but if that is what is required then I have to do it.

feels quite empty

littlered

Hi anita,

one of your lines actually triggered some thoughts and I am deeply pondering over it.

I have realised this-

What if my first friend had a girlfriend or close friend or some other emotional support system? Would I still feel the same way? Maybe not, as you rightly highlighted earlier, I feel as if I am the rescuer so I need to be there for my friends and family.

But most importantly I realised that I feel responsible for his happiness. As a friend, but still responsible to ensure he is happy. Why? Because in the past due to both of us being best friends used to share all problems and help each other by providing support. But why should I take responsibility of anyone else’s happiness! Not just him, even family. Why do I feel this way?

why am I so ready to dim my shine, considering leaving my dreams and what I want to make someone else happy?

still thinking and would love your inputs if you happen to see any pattern.

thanks

littlered

Hi anita,
First and foremost, a big thank you for such detailed response including analysis of my earlier posts. That definitely brings to the surface the real issue.
I was so caught up in a myopic view of this situation that I failed to see into myself what is it that really is coming up for me in all this?
Guilt- yes I am automatically feeling indebted to them for treating me so well. But guilt cannot be the reason for marrying someone. Some part of me feels really bad and guilty that the first guy who has been a good friend all along is now alone, literally. I don’t think, atleast in the near future, that I can maintain regular talks with him without it being uncomfortable for either of us or weird for my marriage to anyone else. He is a good person and I mean it. He is really a great guy and I truly wish he could find someone to spend his life with happily. And I feel guilty about saying no to him because then he will be truly unhappy. It hurts me as a friend.

But yes, I read the quotes you have mentioned against each of my previous words and it is clear to me now that I need to ensure that I pick a guy who fulfils those conditions. Who can support me, respect me and understand me.

I need to think about the CBT thought challenge which you have mentioned. CBT has helped a lot to me and it would certainly help if I do that now. I will work on that and get back to you, if I come up with a good thought to challenge.

Guess I got so caught up with rescuing everyone that I am drowning myself with their weights, and consequently drowning them too.

Hard fact, but maybe true. Maybe I need to sit with your message and piece by piece soak it in.

Thanks a lot for this!!
Littlered

Hi Inspired,

Thanks a lot for replying.

Your sentence about if I can’t decide, it is a no has really got me thinking. It is so true. On the surface it looks like a simple choice, but what is bothering me so much? Even I don’t know.

Guilt is playing a large role too. I have been struggling with guilt and shame for a long time in my life too, so it is a very strong feeling whenever it comes up.

Rather than what I like, I am thinking how can I make them both happy and take the right decision. I am still so focused on people pleasing!! Oh this is so not good for me!! 🙁

Hi everyone,

I would like to thank you all for taking the time out and replying to me in detail. I cannot even begin to explain how that feels. I had this unbearable thing inside of me for so long and unable to process it, but now that I am getting so many perspectives, I actually have started feeling free. Five years is a long time to hold on to such poisonous emotions. 

It is only since yesterday that I actually started seeing the angle of how well I handled it, all alone. Whenever I used to think of this, it was always shame, anger and sadness. Never once did I feel proud. And now I do. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF! I truly truly am.

No matter what, I always ended up with ‘they should not have said that’, ‘it should not have happened’, ‘there was no need for such words’. But now I accept the following.

It happened. They said those things. So what?

i always felt I was wronged. Maybe I was. But that doesn’t mean there is something wrong in ME that elicited such treatment. I always wondered what did I do to deserve this. I got my answer- Nothing. No woman deserves this. Ever.

I have been ashamed and felt I shouldn’t feel this way. I now realise subconsciously I have been seeking validation for what happened. But from whom? From someone, anyone. But I realise that is not necessary. I did not overreact. I did the right thing by resigning. And I have every right to feel violated and humiliated as gia mentioned. Reading gia’s words gave me that free feeling. I didn’t need to have punished myself! I can feel this way, it is ok! I don’t know why but it felt like someone agreed that what they said was unacceptable. 

I am struggling with the victim mindset for a long time, I was bullied for almost 10 years and also grew up in a critical environment. Self esteem is a huge issue for me. I have already started speaking Yvar’s words like affirmations. They give me such relief. They ring so true for me. 

I am crying a lot since yesterday and I am just letting it be. All of your words make me feel I am not alone at all. None of you know me and yet have me such encouragement and all agree that those comments were indeed vulgar. I never really gave myself credit for how I coped until yesterday. 

I was stuck in their behaviour. Refusing to accept it happened. But now that accept it did, I also accept that I have done really well for myself. It doesn’t make those hurtful words go away, but it makes a huge shift inside of me that I am not and never was responsible for their behaviour. And that sets me free. 

Thank you once again for everything. I guess I will be fine very soon. Emotions are tumbling out frequently. But this time, for good.

🙂 Littlered

Hi anita,

Thank you for taking the time out and replying in so much detail.

I am stunned. I now understand and can feel it is not the words or treatment, but the fact that I was mistreated is what has been bothering me all along. Maybe because this was the most revolting thing I have heard about myself, it can trigger an intense and immediate inside of me. But the baseline remains the same- something bad happened to me, unprovoked by me, and the bad people got away and and I ended up losing something and hurting. I didn’t look at it this way ever. It has always been what did I do to deserve this. But it has actually been why didn’t someone stand up for me or help me. 

As the proverb goes, it is not the words of the enemies, it is the silence of our friends. 

As for the hurtful words, I am beginning to feel that they themselves do not have power over me. I don’t have to view their words as the truth. It is a lie. I can honour myself and not need anyone to tell me that. 

The connection thing you wrote is amazing, I can see it now. I hope I can start to feel better about this soon. I feel like something closed today after having this interaction with you. There was something unfinished, something I was waiting for. Today I came to know what was bothering me. And something just sort of completed, closed inside me. This issue finally completes and shows me the picture of what I was actually feeling hurt about. Those words triggered my feeling like a victim. Maybe different situation, but end result is the same. 

I will try to surely see how best I can forget this incident. I don’t know how, maybe now it will be easier. It is a lot to take in, maybe I will seek your help again for suggestions. But I need to sit and process this now. Otherwise it will keep pricking me. 

Thank you very very much for helping me out with this. I was struggling for 5 years and now I feel I have done something for myself. 

Thanks 

littlered

As I sit thinking about it, some more angles here. I now feel that if the other partner had stood up for us, I would not feel this way. It somehow feels incomplete. Like the person, disgusting and low as he was, just got away with it and is living a happy life among people who think he is a gentleman. His words make me sick even today. Am I that worthless that such things are suggested about me? Do I not deserve respect and dignity? How would he feel if god forbid someone says similar things about his daughter? Am I not someone’s daughter too? Do I not have feelings? Am I so disposable? 

I was a model employee and genuinely contributed to the firm. Was it worth nothing? Why are such people like this,  anita? 

Worse- why am I basing my opinion of myself or self worth on such low thinking people? Why should it hurt me so? 

These are the thoughts I am having now. An injustice has happened and they got away with it. I wasn’t rescued or even vindicated. I got punished for something I didn’t do. I was made to feel worthless and like a waste or something. 

Just sickening people. I am disgusted.