Hi Littlered.

It seems clear to me in reading this that you much prefer the second man as it feels more authentic to you. It would not be right to be with a man just because you feel sorry for him or feel guilty if you said No. This is YOUR life and lively hood and your answer must come form your heart and not your head. If there is still confusion maybe it could be that neither are right for you right now? Take some time to think. Tell them No the time is not right. Why must you rush into such a big decision…..and it really is a big decision….marriage. You do not owe them anything , but you owe it to yourself to be TRUE to YOU . I always tell my children ….if you cannot decide …its a no . Be happy and time will reveal .lssings to you – leigh K.

Number 2 sounds the logical choice to me.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by HoneyBlossom.

Dear Littlered:

I figured marriage is a very important decision in your life so I went back again to your past threads, you can too as there is good information there, solutions that you started practicing before and which worked for you, better keep doing what works, patiently as progress is made in small increments and over a long, long time of persistent practice. I will now quote from your May and August threads of 2017 and follow with my comments:

“I always end up in situations where something or the other is an obstacle and I feel helpless (truly helpless, not just feeling that way, as in there is actually nothing I can do no matter how much I want to and I end up watching helplessly in pain) and there always has to be someone else who needs to do something for the situation to change and they don’t. No matter how much I try, it would be beyond my control”- it is so very important that your marriage will not be one of these situations, where you will truly be helpless, where your husband will have the power and you will not.

“I had to suffer in silence praying and begging god to make this go away.. I used to cry in protest .. but in vain. I would be scolded and silenced… Childhood was one horrible time with my mostly crying in silence watching others ruin my life and my caretakers not do anything. Recently I see this pattern even in my adult life”- better this pattern does not continue into a marriage!

Make sure the man you choose does not and will not silence you. Make sure he will protect you if and when someone is aggressive toward you. Make sure your husband is not aggressive toward you in any way, shape or form.

“The general theme like I said is I feel powerless over my own life”- better this theme does not continue into your considered marriage!

“I used to stand and watch and not get involved because if I did I would be yelled at too… shouting while I hid in the corner and cried or stared listlessly”- make sure the man you consider marrying never yells at you and except in extreme cases, does not yell at all.

Your place in a marriage is not in a corner.

“Asking and getting was always associated with guilt so I still feel bad to ask anything… If I ask a colleague for a charging cable or something equally small, I feel I have to give them something back… ‘indebted’. That is exactly how I feel when I ask something… If someone tells me something personal, rather than listening, I feel I must share something personal too”- better listen, that way you learn about the man you consider marrying. Notice your thinking about what you should share so to return..t he favor, and refocus on listening.

Ask small, reasonable requests repeatedly, practice. It will get easier.

“It was an incident more than 5 years ago where I used to work. I heard an argument… the senior partner said something very dirty… Each and every word is etched in my head.. Even today that sentence burns in my mind… I cried and cried and still cry over that one sentence”- make sure the man you consider marrying does not use that type of language, is not crude like that senior partner was, that he is respectful to women in general and to you specifically.

“the other partner didn’t stand up for us… it has actually been why didn’t someone stand up for me or help me”- make sure the man you consider marrying does stand up for you and helps you when a third party insults you or otherwise hurts you.

“something bad happened to me, unprovoked by me, and the bad people got away… I didn’t look at it this way ever. It has always been what did I do to deserve this”- be aware of this automatic thinking, see to it that you don’t place yourself in a marriage where bad happens to you, where a husband does not stand up for you and help you when something bad happens to you, and correct your thinking when you notice that you take responsibility for what is not yours to take.

“I was the victim and rescuer”- see to it that you are neither a victim nor a rescuer in a relationship/ marriage. Help each other, stand up for each other. Ask and give as is reasonable.

anita

Dear Littlered:

You are welcome.

“why am I so ready to dim my shine, considering leaving my dreams and what I want to make someone else happy?-

Because when you were a young child, mentally you were unable to see yourself as a separate person from your parents. When they were unhappy, you were unhappy, no separation. To feel happiness you had to make them happy. It was impossible for you to be happy unless they were.

“why should I take responsibility of anyone else’s happiness! Not just him, even family. Why do I feel this way?”- you still feel this way because you didn’t make that mental separation from your parents complete. You are still too attached to them. Because of that over-attachment to them, you feel overly attached to anyone and every0ne.

This may be difficult to absorb, has been for me before I finally understood this adequately.

anita

Dear Littlered:

Yes, it sounds right.

You wrote yourself: “I love him (second guy) and want to be with him”- enough to say no to the first guy. But then you continued that sentence: “But saying no to the other guy makes me feel guilty… But guilt cannot be the reason for marrying someone”.

So, yes, sounds right, you clearly pointed it out yourself.

anita