Menu

Lloyd

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #332883

    Lloyd
    Participant

    I’ll try to get a good one!

    Your existence is very appreciated. See you around 🙂

    #332745

    Lloyd
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I’m really glad to hear that you are content most of the time, not only of course for your sake but also since it gives me more hope for the future. A healthy dose of optimism is a powerful thing, isn’t it?

    I’ve decided for sure I am going to start therapy when I move house in March. I spend so much time thinking about saving the world, but I realise I cannot help a single soul without putting my own needs first, and if that means such time-consuming resorts as therapy then that is that and I needn’t complain. I think it’s hard, perhaps especially as a man, to accept that you are a human being with emotions and that it’s really okay to need help and to ask for help. But I’m ready now.

    Thanks and best wishes— you are really a kind soul 🙂

     

    #332709

    Lloyd
    Participant

    Anita,

    You capture well what I indeed experience. The detail about reliving more than just one’s dry words is true, but what struck me is your very accurate description of how “we feel badly, we then feel good and think: oh, I got it! From now on I will be feeling this good, but  no, next we feel badly again.. and good and badly again” Very true, and funnily enough I had a conversation just the other night whether my parents suggested things never truly get better (not what I’m suggesting you’re saying). Your explanation of how connections in the brain are impossible to rewire with just logic also makes a lot of sense to me.

    I’m also truly sorry to hear that so much of your life has been characterised by misery. I can only send you my best wishes for peace and hope that you have someone in your life as kind and non-judgemental as yourself.

    It’s about the process, not the destination. I am aware of this. I am trying to accept that I perhaps won’t ever feel okay about myself the majority of the time.

    I don’t want to seem stubborn, but… now that we’ve talked a bit about all that Anita, I wonder whether you still think the way I feel about my parents’ mortality is something that can only be solved by working on past traumas? If so, I think I am probably missing something and I’m sorry 🙁

    #332597

    Lloyd
    Participant

    Definitely yes, that is how the brain works.

    I see the difference.

    And I suppose the answer is to reason with myself and get it into my head that my father is not God, that I do not need to base my perception of reality around how my parents spoke to me.

    I have had those thoughts and contemplated that. I have done all I feel I can to rewrite that. But my mind presses on. My mind is insistent on me seeing myself in the worst way possible.

    That’s not the whole story. I am capable at times of seeing myself in an incredible light. I’m capable of arrogance even. But even all that is just a coping mechanism sort of response to the actual low self-esteem that I have.

    And sometimes people compliment me. It feels good. I resist it a bit but it feels good, it validates who I am and makes me feel like all my hard work pays off.

    But it would be nice if I could feel good about myself without compliments. If I could, most of the time, perceive the inherent worth that lies within me just for being alive. Most of the time I miss that.

    #332443

    Lloyd
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    Most likely the bullying I got from teachers and peers for being gay (/feminine/generally unconventional). The bullying stopped in reality, but it’s continued in my mind far beyond that time wherein I see myself as harshly as my bullies saw me.

    I will say that I did remember something my dad said when I was a child actually that really hurt— he said that nobody likes me because I’m annoying. So I suppose experiences with family does come into it.

    #332231

    Lloyd
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    Thank you for trying to clarify. Yes, your summary is correct, that’s how I feel. I did not feel there was much agression in my family and certainly no emotional neglect, though of course I could be wrong about that. So I find it difficult to link my current anxieties to such things when I don’t feel they exist for me.

    #332045

    Lloyd
    Participant

    Your response is much appreciated Anita. Your way of quoting the person you’re talking to keeps what you’re saying very rooted in the subject matter at hand and lends your suggestions a lot of weight.

    I didn’t share the suffering in my individual life because I didn’t feel it was particularly relevant, or at least the specifics of what I endured. But your suggestions would have one think that indeed it is very relevant.

    My obsessive-compulsive tendencies, for as long as I can remember, robbed me of any sleep most nights until I was a teenager and filled my days with dread as I convinced myself I was being stalked by a monster. I was then emotionally abused and sexually harassed by my teacher. This event along with abuse from other people at the school was in response to me being gay, which continued into high school where a rumour was falsely spread that I took pictures of boys in the changing rooms. Due to depressive moods and intense self-hatred I’ve experienced since childhood, I was suicidal since primary school, and attempted towards the end of high school. Then in college I was shown audio of children being raped without any warning.
    I’ve never sat and acknowledged all that before, so thanks for giving me a reason to. (Sounds sarcastic but it isn’t, lol).
    What you’re saying about being largely the same person throughout our lives is clearly true based on the scientific evidence you referred to. I’d be lying if I were to deny my subjective experience though, and my subjective experience is that my life so far has been very much a movement through a multitude of identities. Maybe that is my identity, though. Or maybe my brain isn’t done developing.
    As for the rest of what you’re saying, well, I’m not sure what to say. I’m sorry to express that I simply don’t relate to the narrative you’re describing; the pain of the abusive persecution I faced as a child ripples on in its own way today as I struggle to accept the person I am, and suicidal ideation is still very easy territory for me to enter— these are the ways in which my childhood hurt continues today. I was under the impression that being scared about your parents dying was quite a common issue and quite directly tied to that external stimuli (my parents’ mortality). I am open to the idea of this fear being an alternate manifestation of a deeper childhood fear I carry due to trauma, but my heart tells me that is not the case. Maybe I am not thinking about it in the right way though.
    I still am repulsed by the human race’s capacity for selfishness, and whether it was the base of my childhood wounds or not, the fact is that famine still continues today— as does climate change, escalating political instability, the killing of innocent animals for food… the list goes on and on, it’s just every person’s choice as to whether or not they let it be an issue for them. My resolution has been to try and help people as best I can.

    I guess what I’m trying to express here is that whilst you seem to imply an underlying essentialism to all the problems I find myself obsessing over, I find it hard to see it that way and instead view my problems as the direct result of circumstances in my life and in this society. My parents ARE mortal, and unless I either was a particularly enlightened being or just didn’t love my parents very much, I’m sure that was inevitable to cause me some level of suffering. Sure, I’m a very sensitive person, so it might hurt more for me than the average person, but I don’t feel it’s an extension of some deeper trauma, as satisfyingly tidy as that answer may appear.
    I don’t mean to be difficult and I’m sorry if that’s exactly what I’m being. I would be interested to hear your take on how the principles of clinging, non-attachment and the middle way apply to feeling better and healing.

    #331863

    Lloyd
    Participant

    I will message you personally if that is okay.         A

    #331697

    Lloyd
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    You are clearly a very kind soul, I’m touched you remember my last post from months ago or at least made the effort to investigate my profile. I also really appreciate you bumping this post up.

    I also apologise for never replying to your last response on that thread; it was what I needed to hear, but evidently not what I wanted to hear at the time!

    I have seen three counsellors. The last one helped quite a bit. This issue has never come up though as I was more preoccupied at the time with other issues in my life which are now largely resolved (mostly by Buddhism!).

    #283147

    Lloyd
    Participant

    Apologies for the late reply anita, as well as for what I’ve just realised was a very disordered post; it came from a chaotic place! I posted it elsewhere as well and copied the text over to here, which is why there is duplication.

    Thank you kindly for the suggestion. Indeed like everyone I experienced my share of suffering as a child that has followed me like a shadow to this day. I work continuously with myself to get better and tend to my wounds, and have become very aware of the baggage I carry. It is something I tend to every day, and I very much agree with the notion I think you’re implying that one cannot help others effectively without helping themselves.

    But I feel that I already am doing all I can to nurture this self and not judge it. I feel I am at a stage where I could help others in spite of my personal troubles because at least I am not suppressing such troubles.

    I have paid it all more thought and realised I’ve been looking into this famine stuff with an arrogant mindset of “It’s my responsibility to save the world, and I’m going to do it”. I am trying to be more realistic now. Still, the question of how to live as a loving Buddhist in a world so corrupt, so greedy, so angry, so miserable, so unequal, so alienated from what makes it beautiful… I could go on… it is hard to know what to do.

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)