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sometimes i want to die so that i can go to heaven

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  • #397212
    Lloyd
    Participant

    It’s hard to not think like this. It sounds so much better and easier

    #397223
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lloyd:

    You believe in heaven? What is heaven like, in your mind?

    anita

    #397229
    Lloyd
    Participant

    Hello anita, was in a more frazzled state of mind when i made this although it is indeed an issue i deal with. amazing to see you are still sharing your wisdom and compassion on this forum, hope you are well <3

    yes, i do believe in heaven. i think of it as an immaterial paradise realm where spirits go upon death if they have lived compassionate lives. i suppose suicide isn’t very compassionate toward yourself though, now that i think of it…

    #397234
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lloyd:

    I am well, thank you for your kind words. If heaven is a realm where spirits who lived compassionate lives go upon death, then be compassionate in life, toward yourself and toward others, and you will have a piece of heaven on earth.

    anita

    #397247
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lloyd

    Has life been difficult for you recently? Would you like to talk about it?

    #397254
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lloyd:

    Yes, I do believe in heaven. I think of it as an immaterial paradise realm where spirits go upon death if they have lived compassionate lives” –

    – More than 2 years ago, on January 8, 2020, you were repulsed (and no wonder) by what humans have done to the world, “repulsed by the human race’s capacity for selfishness… famine still continues today— as does climate change, escalating political instability…  My resolution has been to try and help people as best I can“.

    Since you wrote the above, the pandemic became a worldwide reality; climate change has been escalating beyond what was predicted, extreme whether events are frequent and evident everywhere, record heat, droughts, floodings, storms and the resulting destruction and suffering and the promise of more; and political instability has been increasing along with climate change. In all of this, humans in positions of power are still too selfish to do what is right for life of earth. No wonder heaven sounds appealing.

    On January 11, 2020. you were planning to start therapy in March that year, you wrote: “I spend so much time thinking about saving the world, but I realise I cannot help a single soul without putting my own needs first… it’s hard, perhaps especially as a man, to accept that you are a human being with emotions and that it’s really okay to need help and to ask for help. But I’m ready now” – I am guessing that you did not start therapy because of the pandemic, and/ or perhaps you feel that considering the alarming state of our world, the mental health of one individual is not important?

    anita

    #397356
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Lloyd

    I wonder how many compassionate actions one has to do to get to your heaven?

    Have you ever seen an image of 1000 armed Chenrezig? I imagine that for every compassionate action I take I grow one arm but when I am unskillfully or do something prattish an arm disappears this helps to keep me on my path. Teachings on precious human birth help me with perspective. Anyway I still have only two arms so  I have got a long way to go to get to your heaven.

    #397381
    Lloyd
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You’re right, it’s such a basic flaw in my thinking that i simply wasnt recognising. Of course being compassionate to myself is a necessary part of compassion, so killing myself would be quite… ill-advised. Besides, this body is property of the universe really, not quite mine.

     

    You;re also very right about the ways the world has gotten worse, thank you for empathising with that and how it impacts my state of mind. i’ve actually been very fortunate in terms of getting support, enough to now be on my second round of therapy. they have helped a lot, but i’m still not in recovery yet (getting there!). i have really come to see, respect and honour the important of putting myself first and tending to my mental health in this time, so i suppose i was right when i said i was ready to start doing that.

     

    it’s a shame that these thinsg havent been enough to stop me feeling suicidal, but it is only quite occasionally these days (maybe once a week or two, unless something traumatic has just happened)

    #397383
    Lloyd
    Participant

    Hi Roberta,

    thank you for your response. I definitely wouldnt claim to know! all i can say is that going by near-death experiences and buddhist/neurological insights about the inherent goodness of people, i would imagine that most people are compassionate enough to get there. i think the important thing is probably just to be more kind than unkind. Do you have any thoughts on what happens beyond death?

    I have just looked up 1000 armed Chenrezig and teachings on human birth. thank you. the chenrezig imagery is very cool and is definitely an ideal we can all strive towards, i like the visualisation of growing and losing arms you talk about. nonetheless, i dont hold myself or anyone else to the standard of getting to 1000 arms! i feel the universe is quite forgiving.

    i suppose the teachings on human birth drive home why suicide is a waste; it’s wasting a precious thing. and silly me in my silly little suicidal state of mind even forgot how much it would hurt the people who love me… another way it wouldnt be compassionate. you really lose sight of these things when you’re in the middle of suicidal ideation.

    #397384
    Lloyd
    Participant

    Hi Helcat,

    many thanks for responding. when is life not difficult! haha. yes, very much so. a more difficult time for my family than perhaps it’s ever been. in the past 6 months I’ve lost my sister, my dad’s been found out to have cheated on my mum for decades, i was broken up with by my partner, my friend has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, my mum’s fallen out with her sister and my mum and brother have fallen into a bit of a depression. when i type all that out and read it, im surprised im still here to be honest, let alone maybe better than ever mentally (although still depressed).

    #397386
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lloyd!

    Thank you for taking the time to reply in this period of intense stress. I’m very sorry for the losses you and your family are experiencing. That is a lot of trauma for any one person to experience in 6 months! No wonder you have been feeling frazzled and experiencing suicidal ideation.

    I hope that you are taking special care of yourself in these times of intense stress? There’s also no shame in seeking out professional support if you or your family feel so inclined.

    I’m curious, in what way is your mental health better than ever?

    #397387
    Lloyd
    Participant

    Hi Helcat,

    Thank you for responding with compassion <3 yeah it is a lot of trauma to be honest, however, although it all hurts, i have gotten better at bouncing back from things as a result of working on myself and therapy which im currently doing. i don’t mean bouncing back into productivity, i know my feelings are important. i mean more, bouncing back into a place of relative centredness from which i can experience and savour positive emotions.

    the thing is, i feel like im ALWAYS in a period of intense stress, so i’m somewhat used to it. like, i dont really know what taking special care of myself would like look and whether it’s appropriate since there always seems to be something i’m super stressed about (i have very little emotional stability, even though it is improving).

    what does taking special care of yourself look like for you?

    #397406
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lloyd!

    It’s good to hear that you are finding it easier to centre yourself even while you’re in the midst of some challenging circumstances.

    There are many types of self-care, from managing basic needs such as sleep, health, food, exercise, showering and socialising. To practicing self-soothing techniques like meditation, journaling or aromatherapy. Beyond that is any activity that you find relaxing or enjoyable such as treating yourself to your favourite food, watching a comedy and any hobbies. Even going to therapy is practicing self-care. Taking a break and saying no I’ll do something later when needed is also self-care.

    Personally, I like the outdoors. I’m like a dog, I’ll be sad if I don’t go outside for my walk. I practice meditation and journaling. I enjoy reading and watching tv to relax. A scented candle is nice way to relax before bed. My husband found manly scented candles we both love! They have scents like beer and cigarettes and whisky. Also, I go to an acupuncturist and chiropractor to manage my health.

    I think it’s always a good idea to include self-care in your daily routine. But when I’m feeling particularly stressed I tend to do one or two extra things since the goal of self-care is to help us manage our emotions.

    Do you do any self-care activities already that you perhaps didn’t realise were self-care?

    #397419
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lloyd:

    Being compassionate to myself is a necessary part of compassion” – yes, it is!

    You’re also very right about the ways the world has gotten worse, thank you for empathising with that and how it impacts my state of mind” – you are welcome.

    I’ve actually been very fortunate in terms of getting support, enough to now be on my second round of therapy, they have helped a lot… I have really come to see, respect and honour the importance of putting myself first and tending to my mental health in this time” – I am so glad to read this!!!

    So, I suppose I was right when I said I was ready to start doing that” – yes you were right!

    I hope to read more and more from you, anytime you feel like posting and sharing, please do!

    anita

    #398463
    Lloyd
    Participant

    Hi Helcat,

    Many thanks for this! Those candles sound cool haha. I’m so glad you have found many ways to look after yourself. I think yeah I do practice self-care on a daily basis, having read this list, which is probably why I’m still hanging in there. I wish it always enough to keep suicidal thoughts at bay, but I’m still grateful for what I have.

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