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    Hi Al,
    Thank you for your kind response although I am not sure you understood my problem. I do agree that we are all the same and I do often find that talking with strangers, sharing a few words in the queue or a smile with someone passing by means a lot and provides a lot of comfort, especially when I am unable to connect with those close to me, with non strangers, and I have given the same advice to others.

    However, would you agree that this isn’t enough for all of life? We do need to be able to connect closer with some people, it is important and necessary as human beings to connect in all ways, it is important for our spiritual growth and our connection as humans to be able to live with others in our lives as well as being able to live and be happy alone.

    And would you not agree that fear and immense pain are not things to tiptoe around, but are to be faced and deal with, which in my original post is what I am trying to do. I don’t want to live in immense pain or fear that I will be hurt by others, I want to live in freedom and joy. This was the purpose of my post. It’s not about my social skills or about how others are, it is about me and this problem that is stopping me from living spiritually freely.

    Me shying away from other humans and being afraid to connect to loved ones and those who are in my life is a problem. It is a problem if I can’t let good connections become closer out of fear, if I am holding back from connecting out of fear. It is not showing love for myself most importantly, let alone love for others. If it is causing me immense pain I want to deal with it, not hide away from it!

    Thank you for your lovely words, you have a beautiful way of writing.


    Hello All,

    I am touched by your replies – it means a lot that you take the time to read and reply.
    I read all of your replies with a lot of interest.

    I feel a lot different this evening. I did a lot of soul searching and being honest with myself yesterday and today….
    I realised that I was afraid of being judged by other people, and being found to be not good enough. But, I also realise that people are going to judge me whatever, and that’s ok, it doesn’t matter. Whatever they think is what they think, and that’s fine. What I think is more important.

    I also realised more, and where it came from. My mum didn’t listen to me when I was a child, I was shoved away, she didn’t have time for me ever, and I think I translated that as not being good enough, not being interesting enough. That made me put a lot of pressure on myself, I felt I had to ‘be interesting’, and to carry the conversation so that people would want to spend time with me. Which ultimately massively drained me and tired me out more and more quickly when I spent time with people.

    Matt – thank you for such compassion and warmth and for the prompts which really helped in my despair. And knowing there are caring and supportive people like you.

    Tony, thank you for reaching out to me. Anything similar in my realisations that you relate to? I’ve been doing EFT (emotional freedom technique) for a while to help me, it’s not always easy alone though to say or phrase things to unlock the realisation. And it was EFT that led to such a dramatic difference from yesterday/recent times to today.

    Jess – thank you for your thought. I hadn’t thought of it as a control mechanism before and I think (extremely simplistically) that’s what OCD is about. Yes it is control – to keep ‘safe’ even though it’s not really safe! Thank you for your very compassionate and loving suggestion.

    Lisa, thank you for the suggestion. I have done this Buddhist chanting 🙂 but not for a while. I use EFT now, have a look into it. I love your suggestions for monitoring internal dialogue and thinking of new terms and visualisations.

    Perhaps I have more to realise but I am feeling better. I do a lot of self introspection, so perhaps I made some realisations quicker than most people – I just couldn’t understand this. Don’t underestimate how bad I was feeling by how quickly I have turned this around.
    Thank you again 🙂


    🙂 that really made me smile about the colouring! I might just do that, I enjoyed colouring too – I do crosswords and newspaper puzzles all the time at the moment!

    Thanks for all your words of advice, it’s really great to hear about where you are now and that you are really doing so well. We do have very similar behaviours- the abuse of food, alcohol, toxic friends all resonate along with doing too much for others because I felt they would only like me if I did lots for them. Largely I have made massive progress over the last couple of years, the last year especially for me too. And even in recent days I can see different, better behaviours. I am proud of my progress.

    I think the relationship with my mum is the ultimate example of this pattern of doing more for others than I expect them to do for me, of ‘putting out’ more and sacrificing myself, I realise that I don’t like myself when I do that, so a great reason not to do it now.
    With my mum now, she’s lost my trust, and with that she expects me to do more for her than she is prepared to do for me, even with me being ill with ME, makes me not like her very much. I love her a lot, but the conflict with that and the way she’s treated me is what now I need to resolve. I think what you said about your relationship with your mum is going to be similar to where me and my mum end up I think. I want that freedom of feeling love for her but being free of her. Perhaps that is acceptance of who she is, but I’m not sure what else that means – I am afraid if I accept her it’ll just go back to where it was with nothing resolved. I like that you said – don’t let them take my future, very true.

    Hmm interesting – in writing this it has made me realise a few things – very thought provoking!
    Big hugs back! xxx


    That’s very beautiful Cree. Thank you for sharing it.
    My father has been absent from my life from the age of about 14, he was very manipulative, controlling and aggressive. We are in some contact now. I harbour no ill will towards him now, equally he will not play a huge role in my life again.
    I realised last night that my Mum is very controlling too, didn’t realise that before, it makes it easier somehow now that I can see this.
    Anyway thanks again, warmest wishes to you both x


    Hello Jox and Dee,

    Thanks so much for your replies – they both really hit the mark. Jox your reply made me cry, you are so warm and encouraging, and I realised that I should be doing that for myself. Dee I am so touched that you registered in order to reply to me – it really helped as you’ve described me in yourself to a tee – I relate to SO MUCH of what you say. I sat down this afternoon (I am in the UK, 8 hours ahead of the time posted here), and just felt into the emotion, and I realised that I am so upset because I had an unhealthy need for them, and that I am desperate not to be alone and grasping to others to be there for me. No-one was ever there for me as a child – I was ignored or shouted at, never had even a hug or a word of praise despite achieving highly at school etc. I am hard on myself, Dee what you said about doing as much as you can for a smidgen of love that wasn’t forthcoming was exactly the same for me, and overcompensating massively, being overly grateful with friends, colleagues, etc. I have been aware of this to some level and friendships are now changing for the better (or wrong friendships disappearing).

    I think I do still beat myself up about that, I see that I am hard on myself and lacking love for myself. I have been doing a lot of energy work over the last 6 months and this stuff has been filtering through I think – I think this is the big lesson I have to learn to be there for myself and to love myself.
    Funny you mention the water – I’ve been drinking very little despite drinking loads normally – seems that somehow it correlates to feeling bad about myself and denying myself something I need….

    Anyway so I think I’ll be re-reading this thread several times – thanks again – you really helped.
    Much love to you both xx

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