June 3, 2014 at 4:35 am #57994
I’m really desperate for some help or insight into what’s wrong with me, I thank you for any responses.
I’m really stuck. I’ve got a lot going for me – potential new life and new career, it’s all waiting for me to get myself sorted and get going, but I can’t. Because I seem to be so afraid of connecting with people.
I am so stuck that I sit at home very upset avoiding people: hiding out from anyone I know, new acquaintances, old friends, whoever. I just can’t connect with people and it’s making me hugely upset. I am so afraid, but I don’t even know what it is that I am afraid of. I find it’s ok to make plans ahead – because they are ahead. But I don’t actually go through with the plans – I am too afraid to connect with people. I am too scared to connect with people in ways that have meaningful communication- ie talking on the phone or meeting up with someone. I can email people but not about anything deeply personal.
My life is disappearing – I really am struggling to cope, spending a lot of the day in tears. I don’t know who to turn to or how to get help for this. I don’t even know how to get some answers from within myself about what’s going on.
Many thanks xxJune 3, 2014 at 11:06 am #58005MattParticipant
Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m sorry for your suffering. Social anxiety is pretty normal, and its tough to find our courage to do what we’re afraid of. Our mind begins fantasizing about all sorts of what ifs or excuses why the plan is a bad one.
To aim a little better, consider asking yourself a few questions. Are you ashamed of who you are? Does it feel like you’re not good enough to connect to them? That you’re boring? Does it feel overwhelming to connect to all that commotion and apparent chaos? Do you feel better or worse than others? What are the stories your mind tells you that keeps you cowering?
Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy and freedom. Sometimes it takes some time to find our personal heartsong, so be patient with your questions to yourself. They take time and space to ask, and time and space to answer. Consider that pain and loneliness turns your challenges from a puzzle to feeling like a stuck catastrophe. Not so, mu, false. Just a puzzle, and it all knits together eventually… so what are the pieces?
MattJune 3, 2014 at 11:10 am #58006tonyParticipant
I cant offer any solutions but just to say that I am going through a similar situation. Have always had issues with connecting with people and it does affect other aspects of life. You should try your best to just go ahead with the career and not think about the people but deal with that when you get to it. I personally have a very similar situation to yours. It seems like you maybe have undealt with issues that you should try your best to deal with conciously which is not always easy. If you need anyone to talk to I would be glad to do so.
tonyJune 3, 2014 at 3:59 pm #58025JessParticipant
What you describe is actually a type of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). It encompasses many things. My mom has a help group that she runs and helps people with these types of things. Realistically, talking to someone who may run these types of groups or even getting help from a psychologist who might specialize more in anxiety disorder can help, but the issue may never totally resolve itself. But, it can help you learn how to interact with people and also not make you so anxious about people. It’s actually really helpful, and OCD itself is actually something that is hereditary in people, so sometimes it’s just learning that it’s part of you and learning ways to live your life to the fullest is very possible! I suggest you ask your doctor about your options.June 4, 2014 at 9:49 am #58093LisaParticipant
Hi, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this difficulty in your life. I want to suggest that you try a Buddhist chant.
NAM-MYOHO-RENGE-KYO This chant will reveal to you many things about yourself and magnetize your life to that which you need. Also, I want you to start monitoring your internal dialogue. What are you saying to yourself? If you find that you are repeating limiting beliefs, like “I am so afraid”, “I am really stuck”, “I just can’t connect with people”, then you need to sit down and write or type out a new set of positive beliefs. Post them is several places around your home where you can read them daily (shower, mirror, kitchen, etc…)! You will start to believe these new beliefs if you repeat them and stop saying the negative beliefs.
I am a happy and vibrant person.
I am friendly and likeable.
I am confident and attract good people.
I have a lot going for me.
I hope you take my suggestions into consideration.
LisaJune 4, 2014 at 2:55 pm #58104
I am touched by your replies – it means a lot that you take the time to read and reply.
I read all of your replies with a lot of interest.
I feel a lot different this evening. I did a lot of soul searching and being honest with myself yesterday and today….
I realised that I was afraid of being judged by other people, and being found to be not good enough. But, I also realise that people are going to judge me whatever, and that’s ok, it doesn’t matter. Whatever they think is what they think, and that’s fine. What I think is more important.
I also realised more, and where it came from. My mum didn’t listen to me when I was a child, I was shoved away, she didn’t have time for me ever, and I think I translated that as not being good enough, not being interesting enough. That made me put a lot of pressure on myself, I felt I had to ‘be interesting’, and to carry the conversation so that people would want to spend time with me. Which ultimately massively drained me and tired me out more and more quickly when I spent time with people.
Matt – thank you for such compassion and warmth and for the prompts which really helped in my despair. And knowing there are caring and supportive people like you.
Tony, thank you for reaching out to me. Anything similar in my realisations that you relate to? I’ve been doing EFT (emotional freedom technique) for a while to help me, it’s not always easy alone though to say or phrase things to unlock the realisation. And it was EFT that led to such a dramatic difference from yesterday/recent times to today.
Jess – thank you for your thought. I hadn’t thought of it as a control mechanism before and I think (extremely simplistically) that’s what OCD is about. Yes it is control – to keep ‘safe’ even though it’s not really safe! Thank you for your very compassionate and loving suggestion.
Lisa, thank you for the suggestion. I have done this Buddhist chanting 🙂 but not for a while. I use EFT now, have a look into it. I love your suggestions for monitoring internal dialogue and thinking of new terms and visualisations.
Perhaps I have more to realise but I am feeling better. I do a lot of self introspection, so perhaps I made some realisations quicker than most people – I just couldn’t understand this. Don’t underestimate how bad I was feeling by how quickly I have turned this around.
Thank you again 🙂June 5, 2014 at 9:21 pm #58211AlParticipant
Along with the beautiful advice you were given, it may also help if you try to see that we are all, essentially, in the same boat and one and the same. Each and every single one of us is just trying our best to live our lives the best way we can and know how. When you come to perceive that your struggles, your dreams, your desires, your wishes, your sufferings, your joys among other things, exists in every human being you meet, you will come to find that connecting with others then becomes easy, or easier, at the very least. In this view, and sense, you can see that words are not necessary at all in order to connect. Sensing our beings within one another is connection enough. A conversation is not always needed nor forced empty words. A simple greeting and a warm smile has the potential of saying more than an exchange over lunch. Adopting this view may very well aid you in all social interactions in your life. Also, I understand that this may not all come instantly easily and know that this is entirely okay. Performing many small steps can eventually get you just as far as three large leaps. However, do not languish that it may take longer to get to your destination. This does not mean that your journey still cannot possess bouts of beauty; for all roads, if we keep our eyes and hearts open to see, possess it. You will get to where you’re supposed to eventually, and naturally. The ride should be just as fun as the destination. And, it can become even more fun if we fill it with beautiful people.
I hope this helps.
AlJune 10, 2014 at 2:52 am #58463
Thank you for your kind response although I am not sure you understood my problem. I do agree that we are all the same and I do often find that talking with strangers, sharing a few words in the queue or a smile with someone passing by means a lot and provides a lot of comfort, especially when I am unable to connect with those close to me, with non strangers, and I have given the same advice to others.
However, would you agree that this isn’t enough for all of life? We do need to be able to connect closer with some people, it is important and necessary as human beings to connect in all ways, it is important for our spiritual growth and our connection as humans to be able to live with others in our lives as well as being able to live and be happy alone.
And would you not agree that fear and immense pain are not things to tiptoe around, but are to be faced and deal with, which in my original post is what I am trying to do. I don’t want to live in immense pain or fear that I will be hurt by others, I want to live in freedom and joy. This was the purpose of my post. It’s not about my social skills or about how others are, it is about me and this problem that is stopping me from living spiritually freely.
Me shying away from other humans and being afraid to connect to loved ones and those who are in my life is a problem. It is a problem if I can’t let good connections become closer out of fear, if I am holding back from connecting out of fear. It is not showing love for myself most importantly, let alone love for others. If it is causing me immense pain I want to deal with it, not hide away from it!
Thank you for your lovely words, you have a beautiful way of writing.August 21, 2014 at 6:08 pm #63775genParticipant
It sounds like abandonment has played a part in your life.
This is exactly what happened to me and i completely understand your post.