Thankyou so much Mark and Anita for your support and insight…I’m really grateful during these difficult times. I still feel very confused but every day gets a little easier, perhaps I’m getting used to the situation, perhaps I’m trying to form my own closure. I think you are right Mark about him wanting to keep the door open for when he feels like he wants his needs met..he text me yesterday asking how I was and that he missed me. I told him I was good and I missed him too…(not a good move I know) and how was he? He replied saying he was alright. I didn’t respond, I have nothing to say to that. No word from him today, it’s very confusing and I know I should block him but I’m finding it difficult to do this, I don’t know why because it’s self sabotage responding to him. I’m trying to bring my own closure to this but I’m finding it hard..I miss him a lot, he was a best friend almost more than a lover. Do you guys think this will get easier as time goes on? I’m hoping I will get in a place where I don’t think about it all the time, it’s just frustrating as my brain won’t stop! I’ve tried cbt in the past but am looking at other options for anxiety such as counselling or even acupuncture.

Thanks for your comments and support, I thought I’d update you on what’s been happening. We spoke on the phone last weekend and he insisted on coming round to see me. He was high on cocaine and clearly after one thing. I told him it wasn’t happening and I wanted to know what was going on. He told me he didn’t know still, we were on different paths and he felt he was having a midlife crisis. He wouldn’t go and kept getting into my bed…I asked him to leave as we were going round in circles. I gave him a hug…it felt final, I wanted to say goodbye. Then he kissed me and one thing led to another…he ended up staying over and when I woke up in the morning, I felt furious..with myself and with him. I had to go out and o told him I needed answers before I left. He got annoyed and told me this is exactly why he doesn’t want the relationship…he told me he didn’t know what was going on still. So I told him I was making the decision and it was over, please leave. He started to get dressed and I went downstairs to brush my teeth. I then panicked and told him I was sorry, I’d just been through hell and I wanted to sort things out. What an idiot right?! He told me I was fickle and he was going but he’d call me later. I text him and apologiddd and said I’d be dropping his belonging round which I did. I saw his dad and his dad told me to move on and get on with my life..that his son was being awful at the minute. He was really apologetic…it was a really sad day and I felt distraught but I handled it with dignity.  He never did call me but a few days later I got a text asking if I was ok…I replied and said I was fine. Then a few more days passed and same message, I asked him if he was ok and he replied saying, ‘I’m ok’. Then two days later I had a phone call in the morning just like he always used to, completely normal..I asked him what was up casually and he told me he said he’d call and would call me later. Then nothing for 2 days…then last night a text saying, ‘hey’. I replied  saying, ‘hey, u ok?’ Then nothing back. Please can anyone advise me what is going on? Is he keeping the door open for sex? We still haven’t officially broken up, his fb status says he’s on a relationship..pics of us are still there..I don’t know why he keeps initiating contact then going quiet. I’m trying to move on but I’m feeling so confused and broken. Every time I hear from him it gives me hope but as time goes on I feel more and more like it’s been too long and we’ve detached from each other. I know it sounds like I’m being stupid but I’m devastated he is being like this after 4 years together. I feel like I meant nothing to him.

Thanks Anita for your advice and support. He had a difficult childhood and seems stuck..it’s like he’s never grown up. He lives with his dad and doesnt have any responsibilities…he likes to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it and although in the beginning of our relationship he wanted to build a life with me, it’s seems he watches me financially struggle at times and be a grown up and he doesn’t want that stress. He is 39…almost 40. I kinda hoped I would be a good influence on him (in a supportive way) he is a musician and I’ve encouraged this however as the years have passed, he’s spent less and less time doing what he loves. At times I’ve blamed myself as that part of his life has waned throughout our time together but I think it’s more to do with his drug problem. He has told me he wants to pursue his music (and the rest that comes with it) and my life doesn’t fit. I am struggling to come to terms with how worthless it’s made me feel. I’ve always been supportive and not needy, I’m very independent and I’ve never pushed my life onto him however I feel like I’ve been ghosted. I made the mistake of falling in love with someone who I didn’t realise had so many problems and when o did, I was in too deep. I’m trying to move forward and focus on myself but there is a nagging hope that he will get in touch. To have some closure would be helpful..my logical brain understands I need to get away from him as his addiction has consumed my life however I’m feeling lost and alone right now. Advice on how to move forward and an outsiders opinions would be useful here as I’m confused as to why he has just turned his back on me like I don’t exist. Thanks