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My addict boyfriend has asked for space

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week ago.

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  • #191891

    Louisalou
    Participant

    Hi, I’m new to here and looking for advice. I’m a week into a scary and difficult period where my boyfriend has asked for space. Im not sure what to think as he has told me he probably wants to split up once he’s had his space because our lives our too conflicting. He has drug issues…with cocaine and ketamine, very rarely a day goes by without him using. The rest of the time he works and sleeps or gets stoned. I also suspect he’s self medicating an undiagnosed mental health condition such as bipolar as he throws his toys out of the pram on a cyclical basis. This has been the most isolating time so far…he has become more and more distant, using drugs lots..we started bickering about it..then he took a break from cocaine and it all fell apart. He told me he just wants to work and sleep..then stopped communicating with me. I got stroppy about this and then it fell apart in a telephone conversation. The next day I spoke to him and he was off his head on ketamine and told me he wanted space, our lives were too conflicting and he wanted time to work out what was wrong. This was a week ago, he’s barely contacted me, when he has he’s been on drugs…he’s spent the whole week doing them and sitting on Facebook. He then came round last night with a friend to pick up some of his belongings but didn’t take them all and told me he still needs time, wanted to have a night to escape from it all but would talk to me at some point. I was upset he’d got in touch because he wanted something and was short with him. I then text him to say I was sorry for that and hoped he has a nice evening. He replied a lot later saying it was ok and since then I’ve heard nothing. I’m not going to get in touch with him but does anyone have any advice on how to move forward? Im pretty devastated, we’ve been together for 4 years and it feels like he’s just turned his back on me with no care. I don’t know what to do or to think and the future is scaring me.

    #191967

    abubin
    Participant

    Why do you still want a man who is addicted to substances? I do not understand why people can tolerate that. I can’t even tolerate if my woman smokes.

    #192021

    anita
    Participant

    Dear louisalou:

    You wrote in your last line that “he’s just turned his back on me with no care”- I think he turned his back on himself and has been acting not for his best interest for a long time. I don’t think it can be true that he is “with no care”.

    He is in trouble. And he needs to be away from you, so let him be. I hope he heals. Separately, I hope you heal from your heartache, from this separation from the man you’ve been emotionally attached to for so long.

    Do you know what is hurting him so much, during those four years of the relationship, did he share that with you?

    anita

     

    #192035

    Louisalou
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for your advice and support. He had a difficult childhood and seems stuck..it’s like he’s never grown up. He lives with his dad and doesnt have any responsibilities…he likes to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it and although in the beginning of our relationship he wanted to build a life with me, it’s seems he watches me financially struggle at times and be a grown up and he doesn’t want that stress. He is 39…almost 40. I kinda hoped I would be a good influence on him (in a supportive way) he is a musician and I’ve encouraged this however as the years have passed, he’s spent less and less time doing what he loves. At times I’ve blamed myself as that part of his life has waned throughout our time together but I think it’s more to do with his drug problem. He has told me he wants to pursue his music (and the rest that comes with it) and my life doesn’t fit. I am struggling to come to terms with how worthless it’s made me feel. I’ve always been supportive and not needy, I’m very independent and I’ve never pushed my life onto him however I feel like I’ve been ghosted. I made the mistake of falling in love with someone who I didn’t realise had so many problems and when o did, I was in too deep. I’m trying to move forward and focus on myself but there is a nagging hope that he will get in touch. To have some closure would be helpful..my logical brain understands I need to get away from him as his addiction has consumed my life however I’m feeling lost and alone right now. Advice on how to move forward and an outsiders opinions would be useful here as I’m confused as to why he has just turned his back on me like I don’t exist. Thanks

    #192041

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Louisalou:

    You are welcome. His troubles preceded you being in his life, took hold way before he met you. It was not and is not in your power to heal him no matter how hard you tried or may try in the future. You wrote: “it’s like he’s never grown up”- thing is, when injured as children, we don’t grow out of it unless we heal, unless we have new experiences that convince us that life can be different.

    We have the same brain we had as children. We don’t grow out of it, we don’t get to replace it when we turn 18 or 21 or 81. There are times when people try, real hard, energized with that youthful energy, but when failing again and again, most of us give up.

    I don’t think he can give you the closure that you need, don’t think he is capable of that. I think you  will need to move on without that closure you are hoping for. My advice: give up the hope, accept best you can your powerlessness in this situation with him, past and present. What else can you do but accept what you can not change…

    anita

    #192513

    Louisalou
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for your guidance..im struggling with it all tonight..I received a message from him really late on Monday night asking how I was and asking to let him know when a good time to call is. The message was friendly..I could work out if it was to have closure or to work stuff out. I responded the next morning saying I was ok and hoped he was ok too. I told him whenever he felt ready to which I felt was holding the space for him and wasnt putting any pressure on him. I am now feeling stupid for being so gentle with him, I have my suspicions he was under the influence of cocaine and was feeling lonely..then the feeling passed the next day. I really hoped he would contact me but the silence continues and I am trying to move forward but it’s so painful. I am doing all of the ‘right’ things but I can’t think of anything else. He told me he just needed space and didn’t know what was going on but this feels so cold and remote, he’s kept his relationship status on Facebook(yes I know I shouldn’t look..maybe I should block him?) I also have quite a lot of his stuff here which I have packed up and put into the garage…I’m too scared to take it round like my friends have suggested but is this the best thing to do? I am stuck in this limbo of trying to accept it’s over and clinging on to the hope he’s working things out and will contact me when he’s ready but as time goes on, I’m feeling more and more detached and confused. Any advice would be really appreciated.

    #192515

    Mark
    Participant

    Lousialou,

    Have you been the Al-Anon meetings?  These are support groups for partners/family/friends of those who are addicted.

    They provide support, wisdom, perspective, help from people who have “been there.”

    Even if you two are no longer together, I suspect that you still need help in dealing with being together with an addict for so long.

    Best,
    Mark

    #192527

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Louisalou:

    Regarding blocking him on Facebook, maybe it is a good idea. Regarding to “take it round like my friends have suggested” – I didn’t understand.

    You wrote that you are “stuck in this limbo of trying to accept it’s over and clinging on the hope he’s working things out and will contact me when he’s ready”-

    I think that you are stuck between accepting reality and wishful thinking. In other words, you are stuck between reality and fantasy. In reality he is not ready and cannot be ready for anything that you need. He is a very troubled man, stuck in addiction. He is not in a temporary state of un-readiness for a relationship.

    I understand that it is very painful for you, that you wish it wasn’t so, that you don’t feel like doing what needs to be done, but I hope you move on anyway, little by little, day by day. It will be painful for a while. You can take breaks from that pain in different healthy ways: exercise, hot baths, relaxing music and so on. Following those breaks the pain will resume. Can’t get rid of it.

    Accept that pain best you can and it will weaken over time until one day, it will be gone.

    Post again anytime. I will soon be away from the computer for about fifteen hours.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  anita.
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