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My addict boyfriend has asked for space

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #191891

    Louisalou
    Participant

    Hi, I'm new to here and looking for advice. I'm a week into a scary and difficult period where my boyfriend has asked for space. Im not sure what to think as he has told me he probably wants to split up once he's had his space because our lives our too conflicting. He has drug issues…with cocaine and ketamine, very rarely a day goes by without him using. The rest of the time he works and sleeps or gets stoned. I also suspect he's self medicating an undiagnosed mental health condition such as bipolar as he throws his toys out of the pram on a cyclical basis. This has been the most isolating time so far…he has become more and more distant, using drugs lots..we started bickering about it..then he took a break from cocaine and it all fell apart. He told me he just wants to work and sleep..then stopped communicating with me. I got stroppy about this and then it fell apart in a telephone conversation. The next day I spoke to him and he was off his head on ketamine and told me he wanted space, our lives were too conflicting and he wanted time to work out what was wrong. This was a week ago, he's barely contacted me, when he has he's been on drugs…he's spent the whole week doing them and sitting on Facebook. He then came round last night with a friend to pick up some of his belongings but didn't take them all and told me he still needs time, wanted to have a night to escape from it all but would talk to me at some point. I was upset he'd got in touch because he wanted something and was short with him. I then text him to say I was sorry for that and hoped he has a nice evening. He replied a lot later saying it was ok and since then I've heard nothing. I'm not going to get in touch with him but does anyone have any advice on how to move forward? Im pretty devastated, we've been together for 4 years and it feels like he's just turned his back on me with no care. I don't know what to do or to think and the future is scaring me.

    #191967

    abubin
    Participant

    Why do you still want a man who is addicted to substances? I do not understand why people can tolerate that. I can't even tolerate if my woman smokes.

    #192021

    anita
    Participant

    Dear louisalou:

    You wrote in your last line that “he's just turned his back on me with no care”- I think he turned his back on himself and has been acting not for his best interest for a long time. I don't think it can be true that he is “with no care”.

    He is in trouble. And he needs to be away from you, so let him be. I hope he heals. Separately, I hope you heal from your heartache, from this separation from the man you've been emotionally attached to for so long.

    Do you know what is hurting him so much, during those four years of the relationship, did he share that with you?

    anita

     

    #192035

    Louisalou
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for your advice and support. He had a difficult childhood and seems stuck..it's like he's never grown up. He lives with his dad and doesnt have any responsibilities…he likes to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it and although in the beginning of our relationship he wanted to build a life with me, it's seems he watches me financially struggle at times and be a grown up and he doesn't want that stress. He is 39…almost 40. I kinda hoped I would be a good influence on him (in a supportive way) he is a musician and I've encouraged this however as the years have passed, he's spent less and less time doing what he loves. At times I've blamed myself as that part of his life has waned throughout our time together but I think it's more to do with his drug problem. He has told me he wants to pursue his music (and the rest that comes with it) and my life doesn't fit. I am struggling to come to terms with how worthless it's made me feel. I've always been supportive and not needy, I'm very independent and I've never pushed my life onto him however I feel like I've been ghosted. I made the mistake of falling in love with someone who I didn't realise had so many problems and when o did, I was in too deep. I'm trying to move forward and focus on myself but there is a nagging hope that he will get in touch. To have some closure would be helpful..my logical brain understands I need to get away from him as his addiction has consumed my life however I'm feeling lost and alone right now. Advice on how to move forward and an outsiders opinions would be useful here as I'm confused as to why he has just turned his back on me like I don't exist. Thanks

    #192041

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Louisalou:

    You are welcome. His troubles preceded you being in his life, took hold way before he met you. It was not and is not in your power to heal him no matter how hard you tried or may try in the future. You wrote: “it's like he's never grown up”- thing is, when injured as children, we don't grow out of it unless we heal, unless we have new experiences that convince us that life can be different.

    We have the same brain we had as children. We don't grow out of it, we don't get to replace it when we turn 18 or 21 or 81. There are times when people try, real hard, energized with that youthful energy, but when failing again and again, most of us give up.

    I don't think he can give you the closure that you need, don't think he is capable of that. I think you  will need to move on without that closure you are hoping for. My advice: give up the hope, accept best you can your powerlessness in this situation with him, past and present. What else can you do but accept what you can not change…

    anita

    #192513

    Louisalou
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for your guidance..im struggling with it all tonight..I received a message from him really late on Monday night asking how I was and asking to let him know when a good time to call is. The message was friendly..I could work out if it was to have closure or to work stuff out. I responded the next morning saying I was ok and hoped he was ok too. I told him whenever he felt ready to which I felt was holding the space for him and wasnt putting any pressure on him. I am now feeling stupid for being so gentle with him, I have my suspicions he was under the influence of cocaine and was feeling lonely..then the feeling passed the next day. I really hoped he would contact me but the silence continues and I am trying to move forward but it's so painful. I am doing all of the ‘right' things but I can't think of anything else. He told me he just needed space and didn't know what was going on but this feels so cold and remote, he's kept his relationship status on Facebook(yes I know I shouldn't look..maybe I should block him?) I also have quite a lot of his stuff here which I have packed up and put into the garage…I'm too scared to take it round like my friends have suggested but is this the best thing to do? I am stuck in this limbo of trying to accept it's over and clinging on to the hope he's working things out and will contact me when he's ready but as time goes on, I'm feeling more and more detached and confused. Any advice would be really appreciated.

    #192515

    Mark
    Participant

    Lousialou,

    Have you been the Al-Anon meetings?  These are support groups for partners/family/friends of those who are addicted.

    They provide support, wisdom, perspective, help from people who have “been there.”

    Even if you two are no longer together, I suspect that you still need help in dealing with being together with an addict for so long.

    Best,
    Mark

    #192527

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Louisalou:

    Regarding blocking him on Facebook, maybe it is a good idea. Regarding to “take it round like my friends have suggested” – I didn't understand.

    You wrote that you are “stuck in this limbo of trying to accept it's over and clinging on the hope he's working things out and will contact me when he's ready”-

    I think that you are stuck between accepting reality and wishful thinking. In other words, you are stuck between reality and fantasy. In reality he is not ready and cannot be ready for anything that you need. He is a very troubled man, stuck in addiction. He is not in a temporary state of un-readiness for a relationship.

    I understand that it is very painful for you, that you wish it wasn't so, that you don't feel like doing what needs to be done, but I hope you move on anyway, little by little, day by day. It will be painful for a while. You can take breaks from that pain in different healthy ways: exercise, hot baths, relaxing music and so on. Following those breaks the pain will resume. Can't get rid of it.

    Accept that pain best you can and it will weaken over time until one day, it will be gone.

    Post again anytime. I will soon be away from the computer for about fifteen hours.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by  anita.
    #194785

    Louisalou
    Participant

    Thanks for your comments and support, I thought I'd update you on what's been happening. We spoke on the phone last weekend and he insisted on coming round to see me. He was high on cocaine and clearly after one thing. I told him it wasn't happening and I wanted to know what was going on. He told me he didn't know still, we were on different paths and he felt he was having a midlife crisis. He wouldn't go and kept getting into my bed…I asked him to leave as we were going round in circles. I gave him a hug…it felt final, I wanted to say goodbye. Then he kissed me and one thing led to another…he ended up staying over and when I woke up in the morning, I felt furious..with myself and with him. I had to go out and o told him I needed answers before I left. He got annoyed and told me this is exactly why he doesn't want the relationship…he told me he didn't know what was going on still. So I told him I was making the decision and it was over, please leave. He started to get dressed and I went downstairs to brush my teeth. I then panicked and told him I was sorry, I'd just been through hell and I wanted to sort things out. What an idiot right?! He told me I was fickle and he was going but he'd call me later. I text him and apologiddd and said I'd be dropping his belonging round which I did. I saw his dad and his dad told me to move on and get on with my life..that his son was being awful at the minute. He was really apologetic…it was a really sad day and I felt distraught but I handled it with dignity.  He never did call me but a few days later I got a text asking if I was ok…I replied and said I was fine. Then a few more days passed and same message, I asked him if he was ok and he replied saying, ‘I'm ok'. Then two days later I had a phone call in the morning just like he always used to, completely normal..I asked him what was up casually and he told me he said he'd call and would call me later. Then nothing for 2 days…then last night a text saying, ‘hey'. I replied  saying, ‘hey, u ok?' Then nothing back. Please can anyone advise me what is going on? Is he keeping the door open for sex? We still haven't officially broken up, his fb status says he's on a relationship..pics of us are still there..I don't know why he keeps initiating contact then going quiet. I'm trying to move on but I'm feeling so confused and broken. Every time I hear from him it gives me hope but as time goes on I feel more and more like it's been too long and we've detached from each other. I know it sounds like I'm being stupid but I'm devastated he is being like this after 4 years together. I feel like I meant nothing to him.

    #194797

    Mark
    Participant

    You want to know what is going on?  That you are willing to keep him in your life.

    I would think that no matter what advice you get … from us or from your bf's father or whoever else, that you won't get any resolution until you get straight with yourself.

    Obviously there is enough about the relationship that is worth the pain you are willing to put up with.  I would examine looking inside and figure out why.  A therapist may help with this or as I suggested before, Al-anon.

    Mark

    #194805

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Louisalou:

    In your recent post you wrote: “I feel like I meant nothing to him”.

    In your original post you wrote: “He has drug issues.. with cocaine and ketamine, very rarely a day goes by without him using. The rest of the time he works and sleeps or gets stoned. I also suspect he's self medicating an undiagnosed mental health condition such as bipolar”-

    It reads to me that the issue is not that you meant nothing to him before or now. Reads to me that he is unavailable for a relationship, being that his brain is often altered by drugs.

    *He keeps a job while being on drugs. I wonder how he does that, if he works around people, don't his employer/s suspect, by his looks and behavior that he is on drugs and if so, order drug testing for him?

    anita

    #194937

    Louisalou
    Participant

    Thankyou for your responses…I have already put the ball in motion for therapy and am now in waiting…it could take up to 6 weeks. I don't think I am willing to put up with the relationship as it is…although I completely agree his head is not able to deal with a relationship, he managed for 4 years and he's just dropped me without any care it seems..I'm feeling used and discarded, there is no relationship anymore which is why I'm so confused as to what he's doing by contacting me in the ways he is. I would like closure as it's not officially ended but I'm guessing I'm not going to get it. Thankyou Anita for your reply, in response to your questions…he doesn't use drugs at work and he works on various building sites where unfortunately many people use drugs recreationally…they do random drug tests on site but he moves around a lot so he's got lucky so far…he's a functioning drug addict who will never hit rock bottom and be out on the streets because his dad supports him by putting a roof over his head and then his wages support his ‘comfortable' lifestyle. I'm trying so hard to move on but his texts and calls are making me stuck and confused, deep down I miss him and want the communication but I know next time I am going to have to just ignore him. I know some of these issues lie with me allowing this, I am trying to address them and take care of myself but I'm really struggling. On a positive note, I have stopped waking up at 3am every night and have my appetite back so this is progress right?! Thankyou for your support and advice, reaching out to people with a non biased viewpoint is very helpful.                                                           L

     

    #194965

    Mark
    Participant

    Good luck Lousialou.

    No he won't give you closure because he still wants to be able to go back to you, to enable him, to get the benefits until he decides to move on again.

    You might want to block his calls/texts in order to move on.

    Good for you for taking steps to address the underlying issues that you have that this relationship has brought up.

    Yes, make note of those positive signs that you are experiencing like your appetite.

    Mark

     

    #194995

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Louisalou:

    You are welcome.

    In your most recent post you wrote: “there is no relationship anymore which is why I'm so confused as to what he's doing by contacting me in ways he is. I would like closure as it's not officially ended”-

    In these two lines I see two assumptions that are not true to reality:

    1. You assume people's behavior makes sense. Reality: lots of people's behavior does not make sense, does not follow logic. He is one of these many, many people.

    2. You assume that the closure you need will be official if and when he gives it to you. Reality: you can form your own very official closure.

    There are another incorrect assumptions: that you are worthless because he treats you the ways he does and there is no relationship, not the one you want.

    I suppose you have things to work on in the therapy you scheduled. I attended my first quality therapy for over two years starting in 2011. It helped me a lot to figure out assumptions vs reality. It was CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

    I hope you post again, will be glad to communicate with you further.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  anita.
    #195311

    Louisalou
    Participant

    Thankyou so much Mark and Anita for your support and insight…I'm really grateful during these difficult times. I still feel very confused but every day gets a little easier, perhaps I'm getting used to the situation, perhaps I'm trying to form my own closure. I think you are right Mark about him wanting to keep the door open for when he feels like he wants his needs met..he text me yesterday asking how I was and that he missed me. I told him I was good and I missed him too…(not a good move I know) and how was he? He replied saying he was alright. I didn't respond, I have nothing to say to that. No word from him today, it's very confusing and I know I should block him but I'm finding it difficult to do this, I don't know why because it's self sabotage responding to him. I'm trying to bring my own closure to this but I'm finding it hard..I miss him a lot, he was a best friend almost more than a lover. Do you guys think this will get easier as time goes on? I'm hoping I will get in a place where I don't think about it all the time, it's just frustrating as my brain won't stop! I've tried cbt in the past but am looking at other options for anxiety such as counselling or even acupuncture.

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