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Lucidity

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  • April 4, 2025 at 5:17 am #444627
    Lucidity
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    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your thoughtful response and your suggestions. You have read into the situation well. It all resonates with me sadly, but I feel seen, so thank you for that. I sent an invite for a video call to my sister for tomorrow over a week ago after her expression that she was open to talking this week. I have not heard back from her about it or that she wants to rearrange it, which I also told her she was free to do if what I had requested didn’t suit her. She read my message immediately but has yet to respond.

    I have come to an acceptance with this. I have tried not to come across as heavy or negative with her and have been careful to respond in a capacity that was a natural next step to our interaction because, as you have outlined as the outcome in such families, there is the full-on one and the avoidant one and I am clearly the former. If she can’t be reasonable about how she chooses to interact with me, and ghosting is not reasonable or respectful, then this is her choice even if unintentionally made. I won’t go into self-betrayal and explain to her yet again why our relationship is important to me. Nor will I offer help unless she volunteers that she is finding things difficult. I don’t want to have to be a mind reader and anticipate reactions from her based on her baggage. This may be harsh but it’s beyond me to mother her thro this. Tbh, I’m secretly hoping that tomorrow she doesn’t turn up and I can let go of trying to reach out to her. It’s not that I need her permission to let it go. It’s that I want there to be an objective, shared experience that we can both see is the precipitating moment that led me to let go. I want her to know that I tried (and that she ghosted me). Is this self-sabotage? Vindictive? Perhaps. But it is also showing her that I won’t put up with this treatment and gives me necessary closure.

    I’m very sorry you have experienced something similar in terms of family dysfunction and a strained sibling relationship. It feels as though it’s the ultimate family abandonment to me. I can understand other family relationships turning sour and leading to estrangement, but for some reason having siblings fall into this category feels like a betrayal on a whole other level. Have you managed to come to your peace with this (if you don’t mind sharing?).

    Lucidity

    March 31, 2025 at 5:07 am #444501
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hi frozenfireflys,

    Im not sure if this issue has been resolved for you by now as I realise you asked this question 2 years ago. I came across your post when I was searching for answers on more or less the exact same issue. My sister and I are adults, have our own young families, live on other sides of the planet, and are not close nor were we ever close. I think perhaps we differ on that last point as I get the impression you and your sister may have been at some point maybe?

    Because of how we were raised, my sister and I have never been close (troubled household due to problematic parents). I have reached out quite a few times over the decades expressing that I would like us to be closer but she has never been open to this until recently when our mother died. Even so, I am still the one to reach out and she still takes a fortnight or so to respond to even simple one line texts from me such as “How are you doing?” When she does get back to me she is nice about it, gives her reasons, and acknowledges that it’s taken ages to respond but it doesn’t seem to change how she interacts with me going forward. She is in general conflict avoidant so if I raise this as an issue she will agree but, as has been her usual pattern, do little about it anyway.

    I tend to respond to her within a day while she takes an order of magnitude longer. I want more instant, open dialogue with her, more connection, but my requests to video call go unanswered for weeks too and then it feels one sided on the few occassions when we have managed to talk. I get the impression I want this more than her but she has expressed she wants it too so I’m confused, lost in limbo, and feel like she is saying this to appease me. Relationships take effort but her effort is underwhelming me and unfortunately it’s been her lifelong pattern with me. I’m so sad about it but not sure what to do. I feel that my honesty would add pressure on her and she would have more reason to avoid me.

    If you had to overcome this type of situation, I’d be keen to know how you managed it. Hoping this thread is still active 🤞

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