Thank you for your trust Anita. Im sorry that you felt gaslit into believing that you must have been the problem, that effectively your sister was successful in making you feel crazy. Thats heartbreaking. It must feel even more lonely than just living in family dysfunction to not trust your own judgement because of the pressures from the people around you. Emotional abuse is insidious and oftentimes seems innocuous to those outside of it. Its tremendously isolating and soul sapping. I had to have years of therapy over decades to develop and trust my own inner compass, to learn to recognise it and to put trust in it. It does seem that you have been thro a journey of self-discovery too. Id be curious to hear more about your journey.

“I haven’t spoken to my sister in a long time. Every day, I think about calling her, but I’m afraid of what I will hear if I do. I fear she might collapse at any moment. I fear hearing her fall apart.”

Do you know what it is that you fear will happen if you talk to your sister? If you imagine that she does collapse or if she does fall apart, why do you fear this outcome? What do you think will happen?

“I remember one time, when she was in her mid-20s, she pointed to her forehead, making a gesture that I was crazy—crazy for making things up, for greatly overreacting. Fast forward to now, I am the farthest from crazy that I have ever been, and she… is the closest. It breaks my heart.”

Right now I feel indifferent to my dad and sister, sometimes vengeful and angry, but I can see also how it is heartbreaking to see them, particularly my little baby sister as she was when I was at home with her as a child, as someone who never gets to know and accept herself and what she went thro. I see her as a lost little kid forever looking outside for validation. You are right. It is a heartbreaking outcome. The empathy is there but then I feel a dark side too. Do you ever feel angry at the injustice of it all? If you have, would you be willing to share how you came to accept and move on from that?

I want to share an incident that occured and Id love to hear your take on it. So my dad, sister and I met up after 5 years to perform my mums last rights. Its the first time I spoke to her after 5 years. There were a few other relatives present who my sister and I didnt really know. Growing up in a narcissistic household, triangulated, we didnt know anyone in our family. On this particular occasion we were at a restaurant and my dad went to get the waiter after sharing with all of us that he wanted some tea. The waiter came to ask us for drinks in a clockwise direction around the table with my dad being the last person he asked. We all said whatever we fancied drinking – teas, coffees, cokes, waters etc. My sister requested tea and when the waiter asked her how she would like it, she responded “However Dad will have his”. The waiter asked her the same question several times and she responded the same way each time. Finally he gets to my dad and Dad tells him he wants tea and how he wants it. I found this situation awkward and weird. Why on earth respond in the way she did by giving up her choice (which I know she has) for Dads? Shes 40, has a young family of her own, her own life in a town away from Dad. What was that all about? I guess she must be conflicted. She cant even make a decision for herself. On our trip she never gave her preference on anything and when asked, she would say she was happy with whatever Dad wanted. I can understand her not wanting to interact with either of us upon her return home but the fact that she appears to be doing it from a place of a lack of self-assurance suggests theres inner turmoil.

Its ironic that my dad is a psychiatrist. He confided in me once that he thinks my mum shows traits of narcissism and histrionic personality disorders and delusions of grandeur. He also said he thinks my sister is co-dependent. Its a shame he cant reflect on himself. When I tell him how he was with me, he denies it all. He loses his temper completely, says he was an upstanding and kind father. So thats my mum, dad, and sister all completely lost. Right now Im happy to let them go. Maybe one day I may want to reconnect but I cant envision what that would consist of. Ive tried everything I can think of. Maybe Ill just wait for them to reach out? The question is whether Id want to be part of it because if its more of the old script then I am not interested. Did you go thro such stages?

Dear Anita,

What a beautiful thing to want to be the person who can help others because of your own journey. Its an admirable thing to do. Its a community service! We should all learn to be more giving (but not from a self-sacrificial place, at least for me, Ive learned).

I love how you summerise certain sentiments in your replys to me. The rewording brings a fresh angle to it and makes certain things really stand out – such as in how I wrote about how I have tried to deal with the actions I took towards my sister and how I approached the apology, what it meant for me, and how it ultimately impacts what it means to heal – because what you have said strikes a chord with me because it is true. Youve managed to distill it down quite accurately. I like that. It  has made me open my eyes to my own patterns in a way. Sometimes self-reflection can be so siloed that hearing it mirrored back gives it a new life. Thats quite a special gift you have there. If only I had such people in my family and closes circles while I was growing up :o)

I hope you were able to address some of your pain as you went thro my reply. I can appreciate how confronting this particular topic is given my own experience with it. I still feel bad for what I did. That will never go away as it is part of my history now but, likewise, the solidarity from hearing how others went through something similar and feel similarly about it is like a relief come over me. We are all people who have been thro ups and downs but its not often I come across people who have had a traumatic past who are able to talk about it so openly and be vulnerable over it. Its a taboo which makes it all the harder to be open about. I appreciate you going into it with me here.

Yes, contextualising what we did into the bigger picture of why we did what we did beyond whatever momentary thing drove us and into why we had no other way, perhaps known to us or one that was as easily accessible, to express ourselves helps – it helped  me tremendously. We cannot carry the burden of that given we were kids in the first place. There was too much against us. Im saying ‘us’ here altho of course our situations will be different. There are folks like us dotted all over the place who are well meaning but had the odds stacked up against them.

For sure, dwell on it unti the memory and the linked emotions no longer have that magnetism about them, or the repulsion about them – whichever applies. I have done a lot of this type of processing thro the lense of shadow work and have found it singlehandedly the most transformative of all the work I have done in healing. Its about processing without judgement and showing yourself compassion. The pleasure from inflicting pain could come from many things and if you have found the reason for yours then thats a useful insight. It allows you to understand that girl, yourself, doing what she did and being with her in that moment, and listening to her remorse or frustration. In shadow work you keep on being that secure person for her until she no longer cries out to you for help with it. Im sure you have your own methods for healing but I thought I would share this one. My mother, who passed recently, was a narcissist and my father is an authoritarian who has always been lost to his own traumas. I know well how control can be used against us and what it means to have it in a maladaptive environment and mindset. It wasnt our fault and at such a young age there is very little, if any chance, to have been able to go beyond our trauma and do a healthier thing.

There are a few moments I can think of when I was nasty to my sister and Ill pick out one. So what I felt at the time has two aspects: what I felt in that moment and what I felt more generally living life as I knew it. In the moment I saw my sister innocently playing and for some reason it annoyed me. I cant remember exactly why. Maybe she was being too loud or something. But I recall being angry at her. So I took the lego she was playing with and told her I was gong to throw it down the drain by the side of the road where she was playing with it and then I did that. I immediately went back in the house, got more lego, and did it again. I did it intentionally knowing it hurt her, hearing her cry louder and louder as I continued doing it. To this day I think ‘How F’ed up was that’ but I remember that same sense of control in that I could make her respond to me in that way and I enjoyed being able to drive it and maintain it. Even so, as I did it I also remember thinking ‘What on earth are you doing. Stop it. Its cruel.’ but I couldnt stop myself. The other aspect of what I felt was a general sense of dissatisfaction with my life and everything in it, a jealousy towards her because she had my parents favours for just being while I got their harshness for no apparent reason. Then there were all the stored up memories of how my parents were with me, as a couple and individually. They were horrible people thro and thro. I dont feel bad for not liking them, for hating them, for being apathetic of them. No kid deserves parents who are even slightly like them even if they can hold it together for one sibling and in all honesty, hold it together for my sister doesnt mean they were good parents to her because shes probably as messed up as I was and probably still am to a certain extent. A kid cannot stop generational trauma. Even as an adult it is hard to stop so how can we expect our child selves to have done it.

Moving on to whether you’d be apologising more for yourself or for your sister, there is a balance between knowing whether to open a subject because it may harm the other versus doing it to relieve ourselves and its complex for sure. For me that balance is governed by the quality of the relationship and my own principles. Recently, since my mothers passing, I have been thinking that I have been too set on following my principles given the poor quality, abusive relationship I had with the people I exercised my good principles for. Now that my mum has died I regret not being more open in a measured way about her to her face and to others. She has become immortal now in the good (false) impression of herself that she has created to other people who are now left wondering why on earth I did not bother with her while she was alive. She has left everything to my sister and my sisters child, nothing to anyone else. I wasnt expecting anything from her but to omit my children hurts and I know she engineered it that way. However, my sister has repeated that mum meant for my sister to share it with me etc etc and has made excuses for my mum forever. If only I had told her more about how mum was with me maybe she would have some understanding of why I am bitter about this but as it stands my mum can do no wrong by her and Im just being harsh and selfish to state differently.

I think my sister too does not want to visit reality and the emotions this would bring up for her. However, sidestepping my reality for the sake of hers is too much for me. I spent my life being minimised and I dont want to do this to myself, especially for the sake of someone who doesnt care for my wellbeing anyway. I dont see stepping away as being vindictive and I am not doing it out of anger (altho Im angry), but given I have nothing to lose except a potential relationship that was stringing me along anyway, I would rather look out for myself.

Lucidity

Dear Anita,

How wonderful that you and your sister are communicating and amicable with each other. It sounds so meaningful to have that level of authentic connection with one another, even that level sounds like a lovely place to be. I wish you both success in navigating this path gently towards each other. How did you get there? I’m curious. I’ve sort of ended it with my sister but left the door open. Maybe in a better time I may put effort back into it but I just don’t know how right now and I don’t want to continue dragging it out for the sake of a potential. I know she cant meet me there but I don’t think she can manage to meet me anywhere. You’re right I think. Our differences in realities wont allow her to put down her barrier and I have learnt that begging for connection, ultimately, is me walking beyond my own boundaries.

It does sound like we shared similar experiences and unfortunate outcomes. I’m so sorry you went thro these things. My sister and I were strangers even while at home. To be honest, I have no idea if she was ok and happy or not as I was generally preoccu[ied with surviving and dealing with my lot of the family dysfunction. Once she shared with me that she has no childhood memories up until I left home for uni meaning that she would have been 12. Who knows how much truth there is to that but I know that trauma does affect memories in this way. After I left apparently mum and dad toned down their outward dysfunction. She said she preferred them more post me leaving. I’m glad she received less of the drama I did.

My childhood sucked for lack of a better word. My sister had the support I craved for. My adulthood so far is difficult too but, thankfully, one that I am proud of and admire. My sister still has all the support. In every material way she is still surrounded by everything I wish I had a minutia of. I don’t know how happy she is but I think some people are content enough with their delicately assembled life that perhaps they don’t want the hard hitting stones of reality and would rather cut such people away. And in that I know I would not trade places with her.

And so the call… Out of courtesy I texted her a day before our call that I was looking forward to talking to her. This would also have functioned as a reminder for her that I would still be turning up since she had not yet responded to me. The following day she texted me asking to reschedule and give whatever the flavour of the day rationale she had. There seems to always be such an explanation – one full of valid excuses and very nice and feasible. For the first time I did not respond to her within the usual 24 hours like I had been. I left it for 4 days and then, after a long discussion with chatGPT telling me how to word my frustration constructively, I replied telling her I was busy (I wasn’t but going thro with the call felt pointless). I told her I was happy to pick things up at a later date, the door was always open, and finally, and importantly, put the ball in her court for future reconnection. She read my text immediately but has not responded even now days later. I do see however, that our shared contacts are receiving updates from her – photos and videos of her kid. It hurts to see that she is sharing such personal information with people we had both met only once or twice a couple of weeks ago and with me she is impossible to get a reply from let alone a proactive sharing of her life, which, only a couple of months before, she told me she wanted to do – to be closer and to get to know me. But now that I have done what I have done, I’m glad. I’m relieved. I’ve been on this merry go round too many times, with different family members who take it for granted that I will swallow their excuses and stay on the ride, and finally I want to get off. In one sense, I have decided I don’t want to know her before getting to know her but I know enough about how she is with me that I know I don’t like her as a person anway. Don’t they say that? That it is in how you treat those you consider lesser than that elements of your true character come out. I wouldn’t treat others as she is treating me. I guess this is my clarity. Lucidity finally comes :o)

Sorry to go on and on. Congratulations if you managed to make it to this point. I am sad and relieved. I am also, dare I say,  smug at my eventual reply to her. I’m done with dealing with the hand that she keeps on throwing at me and now she can deal with mine.

Lucidity

Hi frozenfireflys,

Im not sure if this issue has been resolved for you by now as I realise you asked this question 2 years ago. I came across your post when I was searching for answers on more or less the exact same issue. My sister and I are adults, have our own young families, live on other sides of the planet, and are not close nor were we ever close. I think perhaps we differ on that last point as I get the impression you and your sister may have been at some point maybe?

Because of how we were raised, my sister and I have never been close (troubled household due to problematic parents). I have reached out quite a few times over the decades expressing that I would like us to be closer but she has never been open to this until recently when our mother died. Even so, I am still the one to reach out and she still takes a fortnight or so to respond to even simple one line texts from me such as “How are you doing?” When she does get back to me she is nice about it, gives her reasons, and acknowledges that it’s taken ages to respond but it doesn’t seem to change how she interacts with me going forward. She is in general conflict avoidant so if I raise this as an issue she will agree but, as has been her usual pattern, do little about it anyway.

I tend to respond to her within a day while she takes an order of magnitude longer. I want more instant, open dialogue with her, more connection, but my requests to video call go unanswered for weeks too and then it feels one sided on the few occassions when we have managed to talk. I get the impression I want this more than her but she has expressed she wants it too so I’m confused, lost in limbo, and feel like she is saying this to appease me. Relationships take effort but her effort is underwhelming me and unfortunately it’s been her lifelong pattern with me. I’m so sad about it but not sure what to do. I feel that my honesty would add pressure on her and she would have more reason to avoid me.

If you had to overcome this type of situation, I’d be keen to know how you managed it. Hoping this thread is still active 🤞