Dear Anita,

How wonderful that you and your sister are communicating and amicable with each other. It sounds so meaningful to have that level of authentic connection with one another, even that level sounds like a lovely place to be. I wish you both success in navigating this path gently towards each other. How did you get there? I’m curious. I’ve sort of ended it with my sister but left the door open. Maybe in a better time I may put effort back into it but I just don’t know how right now and I don’t want to continue dragging it out for the sake of a potential. I know she cant meet me there but I don’t think she can manage to meet me anywhere. You’re right I think. Our differences in realities wont allow her to put down her barrier and I have learnt that begging for connection, ultimately, is me walking beyond my own boundaries.

It does sound like we shared similar experiences and unfortunate outcomes. I’m so sorry you went thro these things. My sister and I were strangers even while at home. To be honest, I have no idea if she was ok and happy or not as I was generally preoccu[ied with surviving and dealing with my lot of the family dysfunction. Once she shared with me that she has no childhood memories up until I left home for uni meaning that she would have been 12. Who knows how much truth there is to that but I know that trauma does affect memories in this way. After I left apparently mum and dad toned down their outward dysfunction. She said she preferred them more post me leaving. I’m glad she received less of the drama I did.

My childhood sucked for lack of a better word. My sister had the support I craved for. My adulthood so far is difficult too but, thankfully, one that I am proud of and admire. My sister still has all the support. In every material way she is still surrounded by everything I wish I had a minutia of. I don’t know how happy she is but I think some people are content enough with their delicately assembled life that perhaps they don’t want the hard hitting stones of reality and would rather cut such people away. And in that I know I would not trade places with her.

And so the call… Out of courtesy I texted her a day before our call that I was looking forward to talking to her. This would also have functioned as a reminder for her that I would still be turning up since she had not yet responded to me. The following day she texted me asking to reschedule and give whatever the flavour of the day rationale she had. There seems to always be such an explanation – one full of valid excuses and very nice and feasible. For the first time I did not respond to her within the usual 24 hours like I had been. I left it for 4 days and then, after a long discussion with chatGPT telling me how to word my frustration constructively, I replied telling her I was busy (I wasn’t but going thro with the call felt pointless). I told her I was happy to pick things up at a later date, the door was always open, and finally, and importantly, put the ball in her court for future reconnection. She read my text immediately but has not responded even now days later. I do see however, that our shared contacts are receiving updates from her – photos and videos of her kid. It hurts to see that she is sharing such personal information with people we had both met only once or twice a couple of weeks ago and with me she is impossible to get a reply from let alone a proactive sharing of her life, which, only a couple of months before, she told me she wanted to do – to be closer and to get to know me. But now that I have done what I have done, I’m glad. I’m relieved. I’ve been on this merry go round too many times, with different family members who take it for granted that I will swallow their excuses and stay on the ride, and finally I want to get off. In one sense, I have decided I don’t want to know her before getting to know her but I know enough about how she is with me that I know I don’t like her as a person anway. Don’t they say that? That it is in how you treat those you consider lesser than that elements of your true character come out. I wouldn’t treat others as she is treating me. I guess this is my clarity. Lucidity finally comes :o)

Sorry to go on and on. Congratulations if you managed to make it to this point. I am sad and relieved. I am also, dare I say,  smug at my eventual reply to her. I’m done with dealing with the hand that she keeps on throwing at me and now she can deal with mine.

Lucidity

Hi frozenfireflys,

Im not sure if this issue has been resolved for you by now as I realise you asked this question 2 years ago. I came across your post when I was searching for answers on more or less the exact same issue. My sister and I are adults, have our own young families, live on other sides of the planet, and are not close nor were we ever close. I think perhaps we differ on that last point as I get the impression you and your sister may have been at some point maybe?

Because of how we were raised, my sister and I have never been close (troubled household due to problematic parents). I have reached out quite a few times over the decades expressing that I would like us to be closer but she has never been open to this until recently when our mother died. Even so, I am still the one to reach out and she still takes a fortnight or so to respond to even simple one line texts from me such as “How are you doing?” When she does get back to me she is nice about it, gives her reasons, and acknowledges that it’s taken ages to respond but it doesn’t seem to change how she interacts with me going forward. She is in general conflict avoidant so if I raise this as an issue she will agree but, as has been her usual pattern, do little about it anyway.

I tend to respond to her within a day while she takes an order of magnitude longer. I want more instant, open dialogue with her, more connection, but my requests to video call go unanswered for weeks too and then it feels one sided on the few occassions when we have managed to talk. I get the impression I want this more than her but she has expressed she wants it too so I’m confused, lost in limbo, and feel like she is saying this to appease me. Relationships take effort but her effort is underwhelming me and unfortunately it’s been her lifelong pattern with me. I’m so sad about it but not sure what to do. I feel that my honesty would add pressure on her and she would have more reason to avoid me.

If you had to overcome this type of situation, I’d be keen to know how you managed it. Hoping this thread is still active 🤞