Hello Anita,

Thanks for checking in on me. I hope you have been well Anita.

A lot has transpired over the past week. I managed to find a job. However, it does not fully resonate with what I’d like to do but i’m just trying to be grateful for having something now and will find something better in the future.

I don’t understand why I cannot let go of the past and move on to a new relationship. A part of me wants to try to reconcile things with my ex and i reached out last week to chat but it wasn’t an extremely positive response. From what I understand, she isn’t fully closing the door but isn’t very hopeful about it either. We can’t really meet in person for about a month until she’s back.

For the past few days, I’ve been feeling very torn between wanting to not cling onto the past and also wanting to date her and see where it goes. I personally feel like these 2 ideas can coexist because I can let go of the past while also desiring to see her romantically again.

I notice that every time I tell myself to fully let go, my brain throws me good memories of the past to remind me not to. And recently, I noticed my brain throwing a tantrum “why does it have to end this way? life isn’t fair.” and I don’t know what to do / say lol.

Q

Hello Anita,

Thank you for your kind words. I share the same feelings as you a few months ago but the relationship made me feel like I wasn’t worthy enough, as if I wasn’t good enough to be loved. And I think it has been rooted in me that I am unable to get out of this rut until I officially get employed. I know this isn’t a healthy thought and is something I’ve been trying to overcome ever since the break up.

My purpose now is to get back up on my feet, whatever it takes. And afterwards, continue to work towards my goal of finding a meaningful job.

I agree with what you said on the mistakes part. I need to work on overcoming guilt from my mistakes.

I am trying my best to be kind to myself as much as possible. I’m trying to be partial when taking responsibility, not excessively allocating too much to myself. As giving compliments to myself, I’m trying my best to find something positive to say every day.

At the same time, I can’t help but feel like the negative feelings I have for myself is validated by the break up and the person who initiated the break up. I’m trying to get over that and convince myself that the right person wouldn’t have done that to me but I know I have some responsibility myself.

Q

Hello, I hope you had a great weekend. I agree with what you said. I’m trying to work on that. I’m trying to talk to myself as if I’m speaking to a child and I have to use kind words and be gentle with him.

And to be honest, I still have some trouble overcoming the guilt I have. After doing some introspection post break up, I acknowledge and understand the fault I have in the break up and it makes me feel primarily responsible. And also because of that, the man inside of me wants to fix things and make things right, which makes it even harder to let go.

So these are my observations, please feel free to challenge them if you’d like to.

1. I was struggling to find a job
2. Didn’t have a distinct purpose / something to look forward to (like a job)
3. Very slowly, my whole world revolved around her
4. I was seeking happiness and comfort in her most of the time and obviously that isn’t ideal because it became quite draining
5. Over time, the relationship dynamics shifted quite a bit and it killed a lot attraction there which led to the break up

What’s the ideal way to look at things right now? Obviously, I don’t want to beat myself up over it and I also acknowledge my faults and I should do better in the next relationship. Then it brings me to the next cycle

– Feel guilty
– Want to fix things
– Can’t let go of the past / thoughts are still lingering on the break up

Then it repeats itself.

I also understand that processing everything and moving on from it is a function of time and maybe 2months is not enough but yea I’d appreciate any comments. Thank you!

Hmm I personally don’t think I am not worthy of love. I know I deserve love and my current situation doesn’t make me any less lovable (although arguably less attractive in the eyes of the opposite sex?). I do do things that fall under the list of “Loving yourself” but the effect of it isn’t as strong as if someone were to do it to me. I think I find external validation stronger than internal validation. Not that I’m super reliant on external validation, I don’t use social media, I don’t post anything and only share things with family and close friends.

Anyway, you had me thinking. I do have a habit of not giving myself enough credit when it’s due and I’m trying to overcome that.

Hi Roberta,

Thank you for your response! Im very blessed to not have to worry about my financial status but the lack of career progress / progress ambition wise is slowly eating me inside out.

Yes i have started to look into volunteering and working with people so I can have a sense of meaning.

Thank you!

Q

And right now I think things are messy, I’m having a hard time committing to a no contact rule and every bit of me is fighting to ask how she’s doing and ask her about her day. But I know it’s out of bounds. She’s going to be leaving the country before returning in a few months and we’ve sort of made unofficial plans to reconnect in the future. And this is the hope that is making me cling on to the “relationship”. Every rational advice online says to cut the hope. I think the best move forward is very likely to be working on myself and probably going no contact for a while before I make progress on improving myself.

And I strongly feel, for us to get back together, we need to be 2 very different people and we need to start on a clean slate. And from what I understand, that means no contact is necessary for the above conditions to materialize.

Yea i’m in a continuous battle with my emotions, sometimes i tell myself it’s okay to say some things as long as it’s authentic and genuine, the vulnerability is respectable. But following that logic can be quite dangerous because it enables me to make excuses for contacting her. And I’m only human, I’m gonna slip up some day.

Hey Anita,

Your kind words mean a lot to me. I spent some time rereading everything you wrote so I could internalize it. Thank you for taking the time to write. After some thought, I think during hard times, I crave a lot of affection for reassurance but that is probably the last thing my partner is thinking about. And it can come off a bit obtuse. I recognise that and I’ll be thinking of what you suggested. I’ll look inwards for reassurance and focus on other things that provide me value when I need it.

Thank you!
Q