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Alex

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  • February 15, 2016 at 1:15 pm #96084
    Alex
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think you told me exactly what I always knew and what needed to hear. But I think in my occasion it was much more due to stress and sleep deprivation. I can think of multiple times when I questioned this relationship even before she told me about her ex boyfriend and each time stress and sleep deprivation played a key role in my ability to see what was true and make the right decision. Even last night I was fine up until I had to deal with a stressful situation at work and then I saw her. I could feel the anxiety rising, my mindset changing and my judgement going right the door. This in itself adds to the stress and the lack of sleep because I know at that moment the way I’m thinking is not the right choice but I just can’t figure it out.

    I think the apology ideal came about as a way to save face for the text I sent because it exposed a feeling that really wasn’t of sound as well as a way to leave the door open for something it the future even though I kept trying to convince myself it wasn’t. I struggle to not send the apology for so long because I knew it wasn’t right even if convinced myself it was at time. Thank you for pointing back to the right direction. I think I’ll read this post anytime I feel a moment of weakness to remind me why I finally decided to put an end to it.

    Alex

    February 15, 2016 at 10:51 am #96071
    Alex
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My apologies. I know it was confusing to read but my mind was racing at the time and I tried to keep it short but all the details just kept coming out. This is part of the problem.

    Yes. It was a short term relationship that was mostly thru text and dates and it was a bit on and off but not completely off. Among our many conversations she indicated that she wanted a more exclusive relationship on multiple occasions but but I wanted to give it more time. I didn’t have any other relationships at the office but she was concerned that there were.

    At some point she told me that she kept pulling away because she lived with her ex boyfriend with whom she had a very toxic relationship with and didn’t tell me to begin with because she didn’t want to pull me into. I didn’t see the problem with her living with her ex boyfriend at the time because I do people who live with their ex and left it at that.

    So everything was going fine until she started cancelling and rescheduling our dates on a regular basis. At that point I asked her about her ex and she reiterated that they we’re just roommates but they were trying to be cordial. The night she kick him out and went out for drinks. While I was there, I listened to both her and her girlfriend talk about the situation and I got the indication that her relationship was more than what she said but I didn’t question it mostly due to the alcohol. Despite my concern I agreed to have a more exclusive relationship but it only lasted until the next day when she saw me messaging another co-worker and assumed I was also dating her when I was just responding to the person to be polite.

    So again we met to discuss the issue as I tried to assure her but she seemed pretty down about it but was still making plans for the future. After that date she once again became distant only talking about work, her pet and cooking but nothing about us. Of course I was concerned and told her that that she can talk to me no matter what it was and I will be there. At this time I suspected that she went back to her ex boyfriend and later confirmed. she told me that she couldn’t really focus on us in the round about way she does but reminded me that she owned me a date. A few days later fueled by my frustration with her cancelling the date and lack of sleep from work, I sent a text telling her that if we can’t move forward I was going to need to step back but still wanted to be friends. That was the last time we spoke.

    I feel like I own her an apology for the text because I didn’t convey what I really meant to say and I think it came off as more of an ultimatum. But I’m also confused as to whether or not I should have been more patient or if I’m better off.

    It’s hard to be clear because I have some many thoughts running thru my head at the moment. These past few months has been very stressful with work and all of the other things I need to care of. I haven’t been getting much sleep and that is one of the primary reasons why I find myself in the situation and one of the reasons why I have a hard time figuring it out.

    Alex

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Alex.
    February 15, 2016 at 6:14 am #96056
    Alex
    Participant

    Sorry for the long paragraph and sorry for the second post but I just can’t sleep while I’m still thinking about this.

    I know the reason why I made the decision to send her the text I just don’t like the way I phrase it.

    Around that time I just couldn’t get over the fact that we didn’t really communicate. I mean, if she told me rather than me finding by other means that her and her ex were still very much involved in would’ve handled things much differently. It wouldn’t have necessarily been a disqualifier but I would’ve taken things a little different. I really started to get into her because we have much of the same in common. Plus she said she wanted to take it slow and I agreed because she was telling me how she wants to go married one day and have kids.

    All I could think about when she went back to her ex was if this was something I would have to deal with if we were a couple. I’m all about communication and the fact is somewhere along the line we stopped communicating. I just felt like I couldn’t trust her to try and work out any problems if it ever came up. So on that I do feel a sense of relief but at the same time I’m still thinking of where I went wrong.

    Also when I sent the text, I kept thinking how I didn’t want to be the back up for an on again off again relationship but if I put a little more effort into it would it have really change anything? Am I the reason she went back to her ex so quickly after the issue with the co-worker I was messaging.

    I have so many questions and I know the right answer is there but the stress of work and the lack of sleep keep clouding my judgement and I can’t seem to find the right answer.

    Whether I was pushing her or not, whether she still had unresolved issues with her boyfriend or not, would it not be something she was willing to discuss with me to some degree if she really cared?

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