Dear Anita,

Yes, CEFC as my elephant story’s rope and a source of my self-esteem and yes, the trap is real, that my subconcious goal is not to eliminate CEFC and find a new authentic me, but to be the same CEFC, but this time defend myself by saying that I did this not in a compulsive, automatic way in order to gain self esteem, but it was a CHOICE. It’s yet not liberating, not peaceful and not the change that I want. This is a huge trap, I’m thankful that you shared this thought. But then if I want to free myself from the CEFC, I have to start gaining self esteem from other sources instead of caring, comforting, enablinf and fixing. How does a person gain that through healthy behaviors?

❤️

Dead Anita,

So hurtful to read your story, no child should ever go what you went through… I think it illustrates very well how we, as children, can be 20,30,40,50 years old, but inside operate still as this 5 year old child and idealise relationship with parent, paint the reality differently than it really is.
I’m thinking on writing letters to both of my parents, because everyone is hanging now. I won’t be telling them all of these psychological things we talk about here, I want to write simply, clearly and free myself. I never acted as an adult with them. I was always acting out of the compulsive, automatic, chilhood programs. I want a change in this at least.

Dear Roberta,

Hi, so happy to see your message! Thank you for spending time writing to me 🙂

You are very right- if it was only who could make another person happy, problem-free, my parents would be acting differently. They are not happy people, they are doing their automatic behavior and nothing changes.

I have done the writing work, I can very easily indicate what I want, how do I want to behave, how do I want for my life to look like. But I get very sad and scared at the same time, because I have no idea how to reach that, no idea how to become this person. I then I become unmotivated. So hard to know how you would like your life to be, but not knowing where to start, how to start and how to build a support system, a healthy one this time. And parents will always be, their voices will always live inside of my, that’s what scares me the most. I was raised by them, I am the product of their dysfunction and fear.

Can’t feel nothing authentical about me. It’s either what they have said to me, my automatic behavior learned because of them or fear for change. It’s only such selection of living.

Happy to communicate with you <3

Dear Tee,

“you were in charge of meeting her emotional needs, while your emotional needs were not met at all”- you said this very exactly as it was/is. My emotional needs were never met. I was emotionally neglected, dealt with my problems alone, couldn’t share them, because I knew that reactions would be either no interest or blaming that I’m too sensitive/should not be scared etc. But when it came to parents- I always searched for ways to meet their emotional needs UNCONDITIONALLY. But meeting my needs by them was always conditional. Always. And conditions were not on my side, so I was left alone with my problems and my need for safety, acceptance and love.

In terms of physical needs- yes, I had everything, we always had money, it was never a problem. Also no sexual, physical abuse. Just strong emotional neglect. Just feeling unseen. Feeling as being born for service, for making others happy, fulfilled and comforted. Absorbing everyones bad mood, problems and converting them into soothing.

” she also expected you to be in that role”- yes, it’s like this is an automatic thing, that I WILL help, WILL SOLVE, WILL overload myself with others problems. This is very sad. I never wanted to.

“In other words, your mother’s emotional needs and preferences have overridden yours: her feelings are important, yours are not. And that’s the message she has been sending you all along, ever since your childhood. That’s the conditioning you were brought up with.

Would you say this is true, Milda?” – absolutely. It’s even not that my feelings are not important. It’s as if they do not exist at all. Everyone is human except for me, that’s the feeling.

I’m seeing therapist every 2 weeks, it helps, but after I’m left with my own decisions, my problems, this “hanging” situation with my parents about how to continue the communication with them, so that I do not become this stressed, over functioning person.

Right now it feels as if it’s impossible to have a peaceful relationship with parents. They want answers from me, they want to know what happened and the saddest part is that I could try to explain, but they will never understand.

I truly am as lost as I have never been in my life. I’m happy that I was brave enough to stop communicating to parents, I’m happy that I see the reality fully, understand codependency, parentified child that I’m, over-functioning and so on. I’m very very happy for that, it’s that the lack of ability to see my next step is crushing me.

Happy to be able to communicate with you <3

Dear Tee,

How great to see your message! I feel honoured that Anita and now you as well are interested in helping me, I’m so thankful for this ❤️ Situation in which I am is very isolating, nobody understands me truly. I will watch a video you suggested, never heard of this woman, thanks!

Yes, codependent behavior worked for me as a child, because I learned that it will keep me “safe” (now I see it as imaginary safety, because you are never truly safe, if safety is conditional and depends on how you manage parents’ emotions and struggles). As safety is human being’s foundation, this is why it might be extremelly hard to make changes. It’s like cutting yourself and at the same time reading a book , which says that cutting won’t damage you, it will only activate cells (for example).

I’m dealing with the core, which is my parents, my programs that kept me SAFE during childhood. I start to think that there is no option to change. Because it’s like being born with brown hair and work towards the blond- yes, you can use hair dye, but your hair will keep on growing and roots will always show your real color.

If I just come back to the old behavior, I would be extremelly unhappy, stressed for the rest of my life. But everyone around me will be very comfortable. I want to be happy. I really, truly want to be happy and free.

I’m so very lost and scared. It’s devastating. 😔

Dear Anita,

Your ability to indicate reasons behind the behavior and implement such information as chemistry, hormones-just simple human biology- is incredible! I want to say an earth huge thank you for your time and intentions, answering my messages. I am thankful from the bottom of my heart ❤️

By reading what you wrote,I came up with the realisation. During my whole life, when I had situations where I said “no” and my parents guilt tripped me for that, said something shameful, insulting, I always felt (and still feel) this high rush in my body, indicating stress, scariness, unsafety, a mix of enormously unpleasant feelings, as if I am doing something majorly wrong. Once I felt that I always received such feelings as a signal of STOP, a signal of: do something so they are not angry with you. I believe this is the biggest issue- that I feel scared, I feel a bad daughter (by my parents terms) and I immediately stop what I wanted to do- I stop setting boundaries, I stop saying what I believe, what are my needs. Those parents’ reactions are a true stop signs to me and I never try again.

To be able to feel all of these unpleasant emotions, to hear parents’ insulting, hurtful words, to hear mothers “How dare you think about yourself when there are other people, you are not the centre of the word” and still do what I want to do. To feel guilty, but still not do what I do not want to. To feel the urge to fix somebody’s problem, but not fix it.

To feel X, but still do it. But still keep boundary. But still not do what I do not want to.

Maybe this could be the core? To start feeling scared and still act in a new healthy way. To feel as the wort daughter, friend, girlfriend, live with this feeling, let it be, but still keep on my track.

Anita,

I do know some thinhs for sure, but when it comes to thinking about what to do in the free time, what could be my hobby, I have no idea. I also have no friends, because all of my friendships were ingenuine, I was performing and people wanted to be with me only because of that.

Anita,

Maybe yes, we can continue here:)
I somehow remembered this communication (I believe subconsiously need for support led me here).

I read what we were discussing here and am surprised how only now I get my situation, what type of dysfuntional is deeply engraved in my relationship with family.

I read books “Codependent no more”, “Unhealthy helping”, “Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Co-dependency” and something clicked.

I was so surprised by how these books indicate my struggles, my depression and low life quality for the past two years.

I had to take some time to feel the grief of the dysfuntional, manipulation, guilt tripping and unhealthy programs, that I live by. By my high need to help in order to feel valued, by my thinking that love is conditional and boundaries are forbidden for me.

I have paused communication with parents for a while, I said that I need some space and now I made a pause. But it is extremelly hard and I feel so alone in this journey. It’s a relief that patterns and reality is now fully understood, but I do not feel brave enough to start making changes.

In a road of change, what could you suggest me? I want be free, at peace and happy and first family’s problem are stopping me from this. If I do not change the way family drains me, I will never be happy.

I feel so stressful, scared and alone in this journey of change.

Thank you.