Dear anita,

Deciding to cut all the ties with your mom was indeed a courageous act on your part, and I do admire you for it. I Wish you lots of happiness and success on your life path.

As you said all I’ve always been afraid of ending up “wasting” my life because of my mom’s mental illnesses…although it was difficult I studied  hard and got admitted to the best university of my country. I thought this may make her feel proud, but it didn’t.  She simply uses me as a shiny tool to brag about so that she can satisfy her own ego around others. Also although I’m not allowed to invite people over I have a couple of good friends who help to keep my spirits up…I thought it’d make my mother happy to see me happy, but I was wrong.

Nowadays me and my mother do not talk very much…I leave the house early in the morning and come home late at night. Most of the times she greets me with a bunch of sarcastic  comments, accusing me of disturbing her sleep, of being selfish and ungrateful, telling me how “fun” it is to have me around during summer vacations, insinuating that she wants me to leave as sion as possible. My father keeps telling me that she loves me, but it’s been a long time since I stopped believing that.

Most of the times I catch myself wondering how it must feel like to have a kind, supportive mother.

And what hurts me the most is that she wasn’t always as sick as she is now. I remember the days that she actually “cared” about me as her only child, cared about my health, about my studies, what I ate, etc. I even remember birthday parties and presents.

Now what is left of those days is a hole which is getting bigger and bigger year by year…a hollow which no degree of losing myself in my studies or hanging around with friends and family members can fill. Deep in my heart I know me and my mom’s relationship is never going to get better. Expecting any kind of improvement is just a false hope that I cling to simply because I’m too afraid of sinking.

Mary

Dear anita,

It may indeed be about my mother…an old pattern which is going to keep repeating itself in various forms for God knows how long.

I really liked the suggestion implies from Peter’s reply though, that we should try to love those who hurt us, even if it means that the relationship needs to come to an end.

Do you have any other suggestions about the things I can do in order to deal with being hurt by others?  If you don’t mind answering: What do you do, how do you arrange your thoughts when sb has hurt you?

Mary

Dear Peter,

Thank you for your reply.

Just to clear things up, the relationship that I wrote about had nothing to do with romantic love…it was just a normal “friendship”.

I do agree that the experiences that I went through in college didn’t quite match up with what I was previously taught about life. I used to believe being nice to people would always mean they’ll be nice to you in return. Apparently I was wrong, and apparently I’m having a hard time adapting my perspective to the reality  of life.

Mary

Dear Inky,

Thank you for your reply.

It is interesting how I, too, have drawn the conclusion as you. Indeed she seemed to be suffering from the “who do you think you are” syndrome. However, taking the matters in this way leaves me almost blameless, and it seems as if I’m not, however unconsciously, willing to let myself pass that easily. Not having sth to feel guilty about seems uncomfortable at times.

I did write her a note saying I hadn’t said those things and that she knew both me and that girl…she saw the note but never replied. I guess I have done everything I could do though..

Thank you again.

Mary

Dear anita,

Thank you for your insightful reply.

Yes, I agree that my feeling distressed over other people being angry with me is mostly related to a great sense of danger and fear. The thing is, I have been brought up in a small city in which there is a great emphasis on “being a good girl” in its traditional sense. Ever since I can remember my parents, grandparents, etc. have been talking about how important it is to have a good reputation, which basically translates to the fact that you have to keep up your good appearances at all costs. “A good girl”, as they believe, should not do anything that may result in people talking badly about her because this will cause damage her good reputation.

Therefore, the worst kind of punishment is not of the physical type, but it is one that will make your failures and shortcomings public. I precisely remember a time when I had received a low grade on mathematics in elementary school. My mother, after having found out scolded me severely. I remember imploring her not to tell anyone about it, however, the next day, she called my grandmother, telling her about my low score as I was standing right there, powerless and unable to do anything.

This memory has stuck with me ever since, and I have lived most of my life to avoid it being replayed at all costs. Subconsciously I associate any sign of anger and dissatisfaction with a damage to my reputation, of failing to live up to the standards of a ” good girl”. The angry person may not hold a physical threat, but nevertheless he/she has the potential to belittle me, scold me or talk behind my back,  resulting in me feeling powerless and inadequate. I’m still yet to find a solution to overcome this obsession.

Mary

P.S: I have never cheated.

Dear anita,
You are right…I guess my feelings are way too intense.

You know, by the time she told me that she’s said to the narc that she may want to do the project singlehandedly, I couldn’t help thinking why she didn’t just tell her that she wants to be in my group and not hers in the first place. Was she afraid/ashamed of telling her this? And what was the point in telling ME she had told the narc that she may want to do her project alone? I thought by telling me this she may have wanted to imply that she doesn’t want the narc to know she wants to be with me, and I thought I was respecting her decision by not bringing it up in the narc’s presence. I guess she didn’t see the things the way I did.

Now I’m worried…I don’t want her to end up on her own because of me. I don’t know whether I have done everything I could to clear the air. I didn’t want our friendship to end over sth as trivial as that. It seems no matter how much I try, as long as the narc is in the picture, I always end up on the square one. I guess the only way is to let go of everyone who is somehow involved with her…come to think of it, I’m already rejected by all our mutual friends. She was the last one.

Mary

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mary899.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mary899.

Dear anita,

I tried my best to do as you said, to not to be too hard on myself. However, right at the time when I thought I was making some progress, I lost another friend. Simply put, she said she was making sacrifices (e.g turning down narcissist’s request to join her on a group project) so that I wouldn’t be left alone. Now that I didn’t seem to appreciate her enough for this, she was out. I didn’t mean to under appreciate her. Besides, I didn’t have a clue she was doing this so that I wouldn’t be left alone. I told her these…she said ok. I guess I have lost her friendship as well.

Now I feel like a total wreck. My heart aches terribly as I feel unworthy and sinful. When will all these things come to an end? What can I do to remove the pain?

Mary