Hi Anita,

Certainly, that is absolutely good advice. One of the books I had read discussed that when something doesn’t work, we often have a tendency to do more of the same, only more intensely. I’ve tried to keep that in mind. It’s difficult to know when you’re facing a dead-end and when persistence is necessary. For example, I think encouraging her to speak with somebody else (a friend, a therapist, a couples counselor) demands persistence because she is reluctant but would benefit immensely. The goal in that instance isn’t to save our relationship; the real desire is to for her to sort through and understand her feelings, regardless of their impact on our marriage. So I don’t think that’s an effort worth abandoning entirely.

But yes I definitely agree that a new approach is required. And maybe that approach is to back off a bit. I don’t know. This is hard.

Also, yes, she has expressed that she’s confused. When I said that she said she thinks she will be happier, what I should have said is that she thinks that she might be happier. There are a whole lot of “I just don’t know” statements that come up in our conversations.

She’s clear in what she wants, but unclear on how to achieve it, whether it’s something that we can achieve together, and whether she can get over the pain she’s been through and feel the same way about me/us. Well, she’s either confused and truly doesn’t know, which is what she says, or she has made up her mind and is afraid to admit it to me and/or herself, which she said is not the case.

Thanks again for the advice. It’s definitely something good to keep in mind, because what I have been trying up to this point hasn’t been working in all of the ways I want it to.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Before I respond, I wanted to note that I interpreted your response as more on the hopeless end of the spectrum; that for all intents and purposes, it’s over, that my efforts are futile, and that all is lost and I’m reduced to waiting for the hammer to drop. Maybe that’s not what you meant.

This is my understanding  at this point: she is and has  been angry with you for a long time, has already settled  in her mind that she wants out of the marriage. She just  doesn’t know how to exit and she doesn’t have the courage to exit.

It’s possible and, I won’t lie, that’s my fear. However I don’t think she has settled in her mind that she has to leave. At least, I don’t think she has consistently settled on that idea. She may be in that mindset on some days. BUT I think that it seems like she’s primarily confused and scared of being unhappy.

she needs the inspiration to leave. Based on my understanding, it is not wise for you to try to rekindle her feelings for you (by sharing with her progress you make in therapy, giving  her flowers, scheduling date nights, etc.) These efforts only serve to repel her and  anger you. I would say, all  such efforts need to end.

Inspiration to leave – maybe that’s the case. It’s certainly not the context in which she brought it up to me. She wants somebody to inspire her to be a better person, to live a better life. I actually think this makes sense and feel the same desire for inspiration. Since having kids, both of us fell into a pattern of stagnation. Very little growth as all of our energy was directed to work and kids. Neither of us set any goals to work towards.

The difference is, since feeling like I have been awoken from the shock of this situation, I’m finding that inspiration internally, and it’s helping. She needs to do the same. I’d love to be inspiration but it first has to come from within.

So, anyways, she may just need to find the courage and the inspiration to leave. She may also need to find it to stay. She certainly wants a partner who fuels that inspiration for self-improvement.

You mentioned “based on your understanding” a few times, as in the quote above. May I ask where you draw the understanding from? Personal experience? Things you have read? I’m genuinely curious. I think there’s a lot to be learned from the experience of others.

As things  are, she  may feel in love with you again only if she gets scared about leaving, only if she  gives up on waiting  for that inspiration and that “somebody who really  knows her”.

So you’re saying the only way you see her feelings returning is if she gives up and “settles” for me? Maybe I’m misinterpreting. Obviously, this is not what I want for her, nor do I feel like I deserve to be settled for.