Menu

jess

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #396510
    jess
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes, that’s a good idea. I will plan on talking to my step dad about it to gain some more clarity.

     

    Thanks again for all your help, I’m starting to feel much better.

    #396360
    jess
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for explaining that I really needed to hear it. I understand now what I did wasn’t “perfect” but that doesn’t mean I did the wrong thing either.

    My step dad wasn’t an alcoholic, but my mom would drink some beers weekly and on the weekend. This is when she would feel more comfortable opening up about her feelings towards her relationship. When she would do this, my step dad thought she was “delusional” and just being emotionally drunk, but in reality it was her way of being honest. I don’t know if she ever talked to him about their relationship when sober; you’re right I only know so little about my parents relationships.

    I don’t know exactly why they split up and who made “imperfect” decisions that affected the overall relationship. I might have to open up to my mom about it so I can be more clear about my own feelings.

     

    – Jess

    #396009
    jess
    Participant

    Anita,

    “You are currently trying to make the right choices for yourself, based on the wrong understanding of the romantic relationships that affected you the most: your mothers.”  – Makes sense. My mom did leave my dad because it was kind of similar to my situation, she tried so hard to make it work but he was always angry and an alcoholic as well. I kind of resemble my ex to my dad a little bit here.

    “…therefore you feel guilty for doing the same… except that what you did was not the same as what he did.” – Are you saying that what I did to my ex doesn’t compare to what he put me through? Or are you saying what “he did” as in my fathers?

    Thank you again for listening and actually taking the time to help me through this. You’ve really guided me to fully understand the whole situation and my feelings behind it. I will think about making another post later on

    #395961
    jess
    Participant

    Correct, I don’t want to be like that. And yes I feel bad for both my dad and step dad. I also feel bad for my mom because I wonder if she is happy.

    #395862
    jess
    Participant

    Anita,

    “I am guessing that your ex knew about this issue and repeatedly assured you that he will never do to you what you are so afraid of being done to you, you trusted him on this particular issue, and this is your main attraction to him and your main regret in regard to moving on away from him.” Exactly.

    I have seen my mom move on from my dad, now move on from my stepdad because she wasn’t getting what she deserved from the relationship, and sadly that did end up with her cheating in both situations. For me I think it’s because I’ve seen so many of my friends get with a guy who just wants something more exciting in a girl and leaves after they’ve started something between them. Before my ex, I was with a few guys but we never dated for more than a year, and this same thing happened to me because these men were “boys” and never stuck around. I finally saw a real “man” within my ex because his morals were so genuine. We’ve had conversations of people doing horrible things in a relationship (some situations between me and the passed boyfriends), and he did assure me that he’s not that type and would never want to do something so low to hurt someone he loves. He is a stand up guy. The reason me seeing him as my future husband for the longest time. Maybe I have trust issues and insecurities within my self that make me feel like a guy would leave me. I don’t want to be like that though, if someone doesn’t want to be with me then it’s their loss.

    I agree, I don’t know for sure that my ex would never cheat on me or any guy from this point on. My ex is now 24, yes still young so I’m sure things will change within his character. I do tend to focus on little details and not the whole picture. I am very affected by one thing because it is important to me. I want to have eyes for only one person and vice versa. I do feel guilty because of what I did to my ex, because I would’ve never thought I would do something like this, I thought I would try to fix it and keep holding strong to keep that long lasting relationship. I feel like I lost something really important which is the trust that we built up for so many years. That’s what hurts me the most I guess – I didn’t know for sure if he would leave me or cheat, but I had such a strong feeling and belief in our trust.

    – Jess

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 4 weeks ago by jess.
    #395840
    jess
    Participant

    Anita,

    “Please consider letting go of this teenage one love soulmate forevermore romantic idea. Be open to… no longer love him. You will be able to love another man, a better, healthier love.” – I completely agree, but the one main thing on my mind is that for some reason I have this feeling that everyone down the road is going to have the intention to mess around instead of wanting to marry, potentially cheat on me for someone else. My ex and I used to have a very strong trusting relationship and I knew he was never the guy to cheat, he is loyal and dates to marry. I am worried I won’t find a down to earth guy who I can trust.

    “Is this what you’re feeling, a mourning of this idea?” – Yes I am. Like I said above, we had a strong trusting relationship and it sucks to see that go down the drain when so many relationships these days focus on what’s new instead of trying to fix their relationship and take care of it. Say I didn’t communicate how I felt toward my ex and just cheated on him with that intention. Though I did end up leaving him for the better me because I was fed up with nothing changing… I just don’t want someone to give up on me like I did with my ex. Maybe I didn’t give up on him to be exact, I gave up on the belief that it could work someday but I cannot change someone who isn’t willing to put in the actual effort…

    – Jess

    #395752
    jess
    Participant

    Anita,

    I went over to his house on Friday and we only talked for a few hours because I was meeting my friends that night. I think we got everything out that we needed to say… at first we were just watching a show and I slowly brought it up to him. I brought his jacket over and that’s when he knew it was over, he said. He was hoping I would want to talk about getting back together but he also had a feeling it would go the opposite.

    I started by saying I’m sorry for being so complicated and distant, I’ve been processing my feelings. He said he knew that I needed space. That’s why he hasn’t been talking to me considering that his friend told him not too as well, I guess that was good for me to be alone and figure out my feelings. He brought up that he’s trying to move on and he’s interested in someone else, then again he later said I would always go back to you if you wanted me back. I told him I just want everything to be ok, and he understood that I wanted that closure and he said I can reach out to him if I ever need anything. But we won’t be able to hangout as friends because it just wouldn’t end well considering we still love each other and the new guy/girl wouldn’t be happy with that.

    He told me that he really appreciates and respects that I wrote out my feelings and wanted to tell him in person instead of just never talking to him again. I also told the new guy that I was going over there to talk because I want to be transparent. He was understanding, and things are going well so far. I definitely feel better for being open and honest.

    One thing about my ex is that he gets irritated easily, and I could tell that he was getting a little mad because of how I’ve been dealing with our situation (going back and forth, not being 100% clear with my feelings), acting like he’s the one that did all the damage…. I told him it’s hard to be open when I don’t even know how I’m feeling. He said he understands because I’m still young figuring out myself. He said that’s the difference between us because he knows what he wants, he wants to date to marry. I agree with that statement and it’s just sad because we saw that with each other. And I haven’t had much experience outside our relationship. I guess that’s one part that’s really difficult for me to get over because I thought he was my soulmate and we would be together since high school. I think he did finally realize his drinking problem because he told me that he even drinks with the new girl, and I told him he needs to be careful because the same thing is going to happen without realizing it. He said he still feels a connection with me and it will never go away even in 10 years. I hope we can eventually meet again because he is such a great guy at his core and he really knows me.

    It was a little embarrassing because I couldn’t help but cry when I was reading my note. It was hard for me to breathe, I feel like that showed my weakness. I apologized for crying and not being able to hold it together.

    Throughout the conversation he brought up that he’s already tried his hardest to show how he’s changed, and there’s not much else he can do, and I owe him the effort and apology for cheating, not being 100% honest at first. We did keep talking and said that it’s really both of our “faults.” I put that in quotes because he said none of us are necessarily at fault, I guess it’s having the accountability in which way our relationship could’ve worked.

    – Jess

    #395555
    jess
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your suggestion.

    #395477
    jess
    Participant

    I am hoping to go over there tomorrow or soon next week, I don’t want to wait too long either I need to just get it done.

    #395461
    jess
    Participant

    I am starting to feel more okay about it and more calm. I will definitely let you know how it goes when the time comes.

    #395425
    jess
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    I will definitely tell him that, hopefully we can remain friends once some time passes and we can focus on our selves. And I’ve also thought that the new guy might not want to continue things if I don’t figure it out so I think I have the strength to finally say goodbye and move onto the next chapter of my life, whether that be with the new guy or by my self, I’ll just have to see how things go. For now I will tell my ex what needs to be said and hopefully we can end things on a civil note. I’m sure we will, since he said he just wants me to be happy. I won’t let guilt bring me down to that level and have me continue something that I know is already gone, and not good for me.

    – Jess

    #395194
    jess
    Participant

    I have a huge procrastination issue and it stresses me out dealing with the situation, but also putting it off makes it even more stressful.

    #395193
    jess
    Participant

    Thank you for checking in.

    For some reason I wasn’t able to see your post from March 10th, that’s why I haven’t replied. But I went to a concert on Friday so I’ve just been re-cooperating these past days. I haven’t started the writing process yet, I think I should start tomorrow and ask him when he is free to meet up this week. I am nervous but I’m confident in my feelings based on how we’ve talked through this situation and the realizations I’ve had as well. I don’t want him to be mad at me, since we did start talking again since the breakup and I told him I missed him. He even told me that I might break his heart again and that’s okay as long as he got to be around me again. I just don’t want that to be the case, but reality can be hurtful. Maybe I can tell him we can still be friends or is that a bad idea? He is my good friend since I’ve been with him since I was a teenager. This sucks, I don’t want to never see him or laugh with him again. I know this is going to be hard even though I write out my thoughts. Ahh

    #394828
    jess
    Participant

    Anita,

    Agreed. I don’t want to feel guilty and make poor decisions that I later regret, that’s why I don’t think it’s right to go back to my ex just because I feel bad for hurting him. I want to tell him in person because I want him to know I truly care. I feel like I need to write out my thoughts and certain things I want to say before I meet with him though, because sometimes I can’t articulate what I’m thinking/feeling when I’m emotional. Thank you so much for your words

    – Jess

    #394742
    jess
    Participant

    I also agree that there are serious problems within my ex’s and I’s relationship that will probably never get resolved. But the issues I have seen so far with the new guy really aren’t that big of deal compared to my ex, I am just being a sensitive. It wasn’t that big of a deal that he walked further up the trail because I was in fact with my friend, not alone. And I can see how he wanted to go get coffee really bad because I’m the same way sometimes. Those are minuscule problems that won’t ruin our relationship like alcohol and lack of affection.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)