I hope that even if I don’t become the next pop sensation which is most likely to happen, this symbolizes no longer being afraid of rejection or what others think. Hopefully by not caring so much I’ll finally find the people and opportunities that were meant for me instead of struggling to bloom where I’m planted.

Thank you. Lately I’ve been dealing with a lot of ruminating over unpleasant experiences that I thought I’d gotten over. Obviously I’m not the same person I was when I was 18 so I’ve made my fair share of mistakes since I was naive, young, and afraid of upsetting people. It does feel like there were many times when I couldn’t catch a break and had to be in fight or flight mode around certain people who saw I was much more vulnerable than them and took advantage of me. I did what I had to do at the time without knowing any better but still beat myself up for not being braver or more transparent. I was lucky enough to have parents who supported me unconditionally during college but other than my family I dealt with most struggles on my own. I have a disorganized attachment style so as much as I have a lot of love to give and want close, meaningful friendships I am afraid of being vulnerable with the wrong people and being badly hurt again. It’s the same with dating because I had boy drama in high school and had crushes in college but never put myself out there out of fear of being rejected and made to feel I was ugly, invisible, and unpopular. I constantly wonder what my life would’ve been like if I had been lucky enough to get accepted to my dream school and would’ve never crossed paths with these unpleasant people from college, if I’d chosen to chase stardom as an actress/singer like I wanted to do as a kid and teen, or if I was married with kids by now since maybe I’d be happier and my life would have purpose.

It is hard to empathize with someone who behaved like Veruca Salt and was entitled. She’d always complain about the U.S. and Americans as if she was forced to be here. I wouldn’t be surprised if her parents forced her to come because they wanted her to have this experience. It was especially frustrating how during move-in my mom insisted on making her a bed with sheets because she felt bad that she was coming alone in the middle of the night with jet lag and this person wasn’t appreciative at all. She also had an arranged fiancé who was very possessive and would listen to hear sleeping because he always needed to know where she was. I ended up having to block him because he wouldn’t stop pestering me by constantly messaging me needing to know where she was and even commenting on random FB posts of mine which I thought was creepy since I never met this person or could pick him out of a lineup. She said this was “insulting” because of “all the nice things she told him about me” but obviously actions speak louder than words. I 100% believe there was a big culture clash. When I tried to confront her about violating our roommate contract several times by waking me up at night she played this card claiming “this is your country this is your culture” implying she refused to adapt to U.S. customs and time differences. Since she is so religious and conservative and demanded I never bring men into the room so I respected her wishes but she never extended me the same courtesy of using an inside voice or headphones. During our last semester of living together the dorm finally implemented quiet hours of 11 am to 7 pm weeknights. In hindsight, I could’ve have suggested we compromise by having no noise after midnight to 7 am on weekends. I knew of other international students who did their best to adapt to U.S. customs and would find time to talk to their families at reasonable hours instead of waking roommates up in the middle of the night so with her a lot of her entitlement might be part of her personality. She told me she was an only child which makes sense why she’d act very spoiled due to never having to share with anyone. My mom would try to pamper her by buying her Nutella and cupcakes and she still wouldn’t be nicer. She’d also use my mini fridge my parents brought me without asking since she only ate food from her culture so if I invited her to my parents’ house for dinner it would’ve been a disaster with her not wanting to eat anything that isn’t to her liking. I’ve also lived in a lot of countries and went to an international boarding school where I made many European and Latin American friends (I’m originally from Venezuela but grew up in NY) while she was from Pakistan so completely different backgrounds. Most of these people were already from Westernized cultures so I guess the culture shock wasn’t as drastic which made it easier for us to click. However she once told me I couldn’t possibly be Venezuelan because I was “too white” so I was just a White American which was a pretty ignorant thing to say so she did seem like she wasn’t super well-read or well-traveled and believed a lot of negative stereotypes about Americans (especially women) from what her fiancé said like that we’re promiscuous, materialistic, and have no values. I read an article in the NYTimes about the end of random roommate searches and in the comments there were a lot of people raving about their random roommates and how even if they seemed like oil and water they ended up becoming unlikely friends while other people mentioned how this experience traumatized them and made an already difficult period worse instead of being a “growth experience” or taking them out of their comfort zone. With the cost of college the least these places could do was give people a quiet, safe space to decompress? I’ve always been a private person and prefer to keep to myself. Apparently in Canadian universities many student have singles. I do understand why many international students keep to themselves since when I lived and studied abroad American students would stick together and not mingle much with locals. Currently in grad school I’ve felt so overwhelmed by classes and work but I did try Bumble BFF, Meetup, and volunteering. With the latter two most of the attendees have been quite a bit older so it was hard to find common ground. I have lots of acquaintances but no actual friends where I currently live and am likely leaving after I graduate due to lack of job prospects and this place just isn’t the right place for me and likely never will be. Unfortunately, I’ve discovered cliques exist well beyond high school like in college and currently in grad school although there’s been quite a bit of drama with some of the groups in my cohort that sounds very juvenile so it’s best I don’t get involved. I am fine going to events on my own like concerts, museums, film festivals to make my own fun instead of waiting for others to include me.

100%. I never fully aligned with any other conditions like autism. I also can’t ride a bicycle or drive which I’d love to be able to do safely in the future. For example, autistic people often have no filter whereas I’ve always hated confrontation and worried about upsetting other people which came back to bite me in different ways. Part of my worries that if I’m honest with potential friends about these negative experiences they’ll avoid me like the plague because in college I got burned by being overly vulnerable with people who never had good intentions and used my vulnerabilities against me. After I graduate I’m hoping to begin NVLD counseling since I’ll likely have way more time on my hands than I ever anticipated. Even though genuine friends have been few and far between I am truly grateful for the people who chose to see the good in me rather than treat me like a leper like my many of peers in middle school and college did. I still find myself angry at people who rejected back then in cold, rude, callous ways since I was taught that kind of behavior is unacceptable but everyone seemed to get away with being standoffish to me.