Online friendships helped me get through really lonely times like college but if I’d known years ago that I’d lost 2 full years of my early 20’s thanks to a pandemic maybe I’d have been better and putting myself out there more. Nothing compared to having a friend in close proximity.

Now I am better about being transparent even if it may make some people uncomfortable. Even now when people ask me if I made a lot of friends in college it still stings. I’ve learned the hard way that boundaries never scare away the people who really care. Like this time of year when it’s full of college move-in ads and how college is everyone thrives no matter how weird they are and how unpopular they were in high school. My mom did always pressure me to befriend people she thought looked good on paper even if we never clicked or got along well. Trying to be open to her about my issues and how the suggestions that work for her have not helped me is like speaking English to someone and they answer you in Chinese. I keep in touch with some my friends from my international school days and the friends I met living abroad on social media since we don’t live in the same country. My best friend from childhood lives around 45 minutes away and so does another friend but we try to see each other whenever we can. Likely due to my neurodivergence I’ve never been able to be friends with people who are too different from in age, background, political views, etc. It’s easier to connect with people who actually share my values than people just because “they’re there” like my mom tries to force me to do.

What was most embarrassing for me in college was when family members would pester me about my non-existent “college friends” and having no such people to celebrate my birthday with or hang out with in the summer. Eventually I confessed I was struggling because everyone I tried to befriend ended up hurting me so I became jaded and resigned.

Well these mean girl’s pranks were more like hazing activities. Since I was so worried about looking like a friendless loser I tolerated it although I ended up being a laughing stock. In college when I was the loneliest ever my mom tried to force me to join a club thinking it would help me make friends even though they did “pranks” like forcing people to drive blindfolded. I refused luckily.

Even my supervisor agrees that my colleague’s behavior is inconsiderate and unprofessional since this is a work environment not a college dorm room. She’s told him indirectly to use headphones.

I do genuinely want to have a family of my own one day not because this is something society is imposing on me. I’m trying to enjoy my life and expand my social circles and let everything fall into place when the timing is right. I’m glad that with my noisy, inconsiderate co-worker at least my supervisor is aware and I have an ally at work compared to my ill-matched noise, brash, inconsiderate college roommate who made my life hell and wouldn’t know a boundary if it bit her.

Yesterday I actually confronted a former friend who had me disinvited me from her birthday party in 6th grade. Her mother would call my parents saying nasty things about me for some stupid childish thing I said at 11 years old as the reason for me being disinvited. Later her mother told this girl I couldn’t even sit at the same table as them at lunch. This person and some other peers would gang up on ostracizing me. The bullying and anxiety was so bad I left public school after 7th grade. Since I moved to a different area near where this person has lived for a while she asked me to hang out since we live nearby a while ago. This was awkward for me and when I asked my mom for advice she said to not give her a second chance which I found a bit strange since she usually believes in killing people with kindness and giving everyone more chances than they deserve. I told this person that what she and her mother did to me was extremely traumatic and for years I’ve struggled to fully trust trust others and develop closer friendships due to fear of being betrayed once people see my flaws if I let them into my home and family. This person gave a half-assed apology and said “I’m sorry this happened to you” but I’m still proud of myself for speaking my truth regardless of how the other person might’ve reacted. Obviously it’s easier to do this virtually since I don’t have to worry about how reactive the other might become or if they’ll throw a nasty fit like other abusive people have done if I tried to tell them their behavior was hurtful.

So did I and everyone told me I had a pretty voice so I was adamant I could be the next Miley Cyrus. My parents said I could try to make it as a singer if I married a millionaire so I had to pursue the traditional route of college. I was very shy about singing in public and for years suppressed my creative dreams. I was too overwhelmed with academic demands due to my learning disability and time management skills that I didn’t fully engage in extracurricular activities since the few clubs I tried felt cliquey. Now I am hoping to submit an audition for a talent show abroad even if the chances are one in a million just to put myself out there. Right when this identity crisis began around February I saw this ad and viewed it as a sign.