Anita!

I have been meaning to write you, thank you so much for checking on me! Veil is still lifted – I’m taking one day at a time. I no longer give her my attention. I read your reply last weekend – and it was so encouraging, I haven’t stopped since. If I can do a day, a week… I can do it! The anxiety is still there, but I have just been focusing on being kind to myself, to my children. Hiding and avoiding is not love. I can see a change in my children in just a week. I just keep reminding myself to focus. It’s amazing how far eye contact and smiling goes. Its not hard to do. My mother has not loved me..but like you said, my children have and do. Giving them the love they deserve will keep going, if they feel loved..their children will feel loved and so forth. It’s really like a light bulb came on. I can’t thank you enough. I also made an appt- for CBT – I want to keep this mindset.

Anita,

You are phenomenal, you grew from your mistake.

I am starting to see things more clearer.  I don’t particularly like the facts, but they are indeed facts. You are absolutely right on every point. I have the power to end it. I need to let her go. No more abuse for anyone. It will be hard but it’s harder to live feeling this way. Truth is healing. The truth is, the more I think about it…I loved my father, I knew he loved me but he stood by and ignored her behavior. I never felt that close bound because he let it continue. He always took her side. He went to work supported us financially, never yelled. I held a lot of resentment towards him up until he died. Allowing the behavior is just as bad. I guess if you deny the truth, you become what you hate. Thank you for the help, do you have any book suggestions? Any book that helped you grow from the self-help aisle?:)

Jenna

Anita,

Yes you are very correct.absolutely. Do you have siblings? If so, did they have the same type of experiences or did she treat them differently? I was the only one in my teen years that would fight back with her. I have 2 younger siblings.

Jenna

Anita,

Thank you for saying that I’m a good person. I’m so glad you found the therapy you deserve. I think its extraordinary you take the time to help others, you have a selfless and kind heart, you are appreciated.

I understand what you mean about people putting the veil back down. I remember a few years back reading an article about narcissistic mothers, it all made complete sense but I felt guilty reading it. I felt disloyal, how can she be the problem, when she’s let me know I was the problem all these years,  I was more comfortable taking the blame. I remember being 14-15 going straight to the self-help section at Borders. She never went to that section and I assume she thought it was completely normal her teenage daughter was. Good grief..

So what do I want to stop doing now? I agree with all her opinions and I condone her unacceptable behavior. Just the other day in the store a woman left her cart unattended. My mother starts looking through it..my anxiety started going up the moment she started looking through it. She said to me, “Do you think this is someones cart?” I said “it probably is”, then a woman came up and said “That’s my cart” …right then I wanted to hide. My mom say’s “WELL YOU SHOULDN”T LEAVE YOUR CART UNATTENDED” in a loud aggressive voice. The woman looked offended and taken back by my mother and said ” The ladies up front told me to put it here” then my mom said..as she’s walking away, “well it’s ugly and I didn’t want it anyway.” All these emotions flood in, I know my mother was embarrassed. I know deep inside she is insecure. But the way she acted was mean. Then she strolls over to me talking loudly about the lady..who is 10 feet away. I smile and give the look like, it happens. I know if I look embarrassed or get upset she will get even more defensive. Situations like these happen all the time. When we got back to the car, I make a joke of it and say.. (I really dislike myself at these times) ..”The lady should have been with her cart”…what I want to say and believe is “That was blown out of proportion, a simple misunderstanding ended in hurt feelings, unnecessarily. You were wrong to say her things in her cart were ugly, just because you felt embarrassed”

I’m actually on the way to pick her up now and to take her to lunch. I dread it. She smokes and my 4 year old has asthma. The last few times I’ve taken her somewhere she lit a cigarette in my car. So today I’m going to tell her, we can pull over if she needs to get out and smoke but she cannot do it in the vehicle with my daughter.  It might not go over well, in fact I know it won’t. Times like these when it comes to my childrens safety. I have to tell myself, it’s selfish to put my need for my mothers approval over my childs health and well being. This is a problem and is going to be a long road ahead but it needs to stop. Thank you for listening as always.

Jenna

Anita,

Gosh, you help me to understand things so much better! I still feel like a child when I deal with my mother. SO it really makes sense when you said it doesn’t disappear when you reach adulthood.

When I was a young child, she never beat me. But I was scared of her when she was angry. She yelled and screamed when she was mad. I can remember her cleaning my room when I was probably 7 or so. She was screaming and throwing things around the room, telling me I was a slob, “you never take care of your things” It was like she hated me. I remember her telling me to get under the bed and clean it. I can’t remember all the details but I remember just laying there and crying. She could be a terror, it was the yelling and the way she looked at me with her eyes, like I was the worst child in the world. It didn’t last for 10 minutes, it lasted for hours. Then, she’d tell me to leave because she couldn’t look at me and she would do it herself and she did. At the end of the fight, when she was calm, she hugged me and told me she was sorry, said something funny to make me laugh and that would be it. This would happen every once in a while, every couple of months. It would feel like I ran a marathon after those episodes. I can’t imagine acting like that to my children, or being mad at them that long. When im upset with my kids, I tell them, we talk about it and it’s over. It’s nuts when I look back on all of that.

With my father, I  knew he loved me because he made sure I always had what I needed. He wasn’t a hugger..and didn’t say I love you much but he was there. He had an odd way of showing affection.. he would joke around a lot. He never yelled at me like my mother. I don’t remember him ever scolding me. He would come to all my softball games as a teenager, played catch with me. He always seemed proud of me. He smiled a lot. If I was upset he’d always tell me everything was ok. He always made me feel safe.

Anita,

Thanks so much for getting back. When they come for affection my arms feel really heavy ..my chest tightens and I want it to end as soon as it begins. I hate even admitting that. It reminds me that they deserve more. I tell myself “they are in need of more” . I say “I’m not fit for this position” — But every day I try my best because I know they are better with me than without. I give enough good/positive to out weigh my awkward hug giving. I just want to do better and feel good doing it.

When I go to them to give them hugs- I have to tell myself, they need a hug..this is my job. But I feel awful for the awful feeling ..if that makes any sense. I wish it was a natural thing for me to give. I can give affection through words…that part comes pretty easy.

Jenna

Thank you, Anita for the response. That makes sense and makes me feel so much better when you put it like that… NO she continued to neglect us all. However, she was much nicer to her daughter, I remember being very jealous.

“It is not about making mistakes that makes a person good or bad, in your example with the caretaker, it is about a person not being alarmed by witnessing an injury to a child caused by their mistake and not resolving to correct that mistake immediately.”

You always make so much sense and I love getting your feedback. It means so much you taking the time to offer guidance.