My dog unexpectedly passed on January 16th, 2020.  We had just moved to Nashville from Chicago a couple weeks prior.  We were starting our new life here in Nashville.  We were living in our 40’ 5th wheel trailer until we found a home.  All was so good.  Our 140 lb American Bulldog, Levi was almost 9 years old but healthy as a horse.  The xrays showed he had only just begun to show signs of arthritis.  I took meticulously good care of my dog. Long story short…a tumor we didn’t know about grew and ruptured.  We had been romping at the park that day!  No sign whatsoever.  Just enjoying our new lives in Nashville and BAM…over.  I bought him to the ER that night because he threw up a couple times so I just wanted to make sure he didn’t swallow something bad…no biggie.  Go in to the ER, get an X-ray, find out he’s okay, go home.  Well, four hours after I brought him in I had to euthanize him.

I can honestly say that I loved him more than anything in my whole life.  I lost my mom only a few months ago, my sister a year and half ago, and this is harder.  This feels like a safe place to be able to admit that.  Levi was a soulmate. He was my comfort when losing my sister and my mom.  I do have an amazing partner but it isn’t the same.

Virtually every aspect of being alive just feels so…wrong, if that’s the word for it.  It’s not like Levi was supposed to outlive me but still it feels so wrong that he was taken from me so soon.  You think that something so beautiful, so majestic, so loved won’t be taken from you so unceremoniously. I feel like there should be giant statues of him is the 15 states I’ve taken him to on various vacations.

I enjoyed every minute of having him.  I rescued him when he was 1 year old and I’ll never forget how lucky I was to have walked in on the right day, at the right time, and found him.  Having Levi as a best friend was like winning the lottery 20 times.  He was truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience and the fact that I had to say goodbye forever continues to break my heart everyday. I thought this would somehow be easier to deal with seeing that I never took him for granted, I took the best care of him, and I really savored my time with him.  I was wrong.

Seeing all of you here understanding each other’s pain has gotten me through many nights.  I love life, I love living, but if there were a place I could go to be with him again, I’d do it.

I wish you all, and myself, the strength to live your life more powerfully.  This experience is what makes life so precious. The empathy I’ve experienced from people who understand that part of life is carrying devastation in your heart has been transformative. I resent time for every step it takes me away from the present that included Levi. The wake ups in bed, his heavy elbows digging into my lap, his communications with me through the mirror because he understood how mirrors worked, his needing me as much as i need him.

We will love again because there are so many animals out there that need us.  But it won’t be the same.  Thank you for writing your words so I know that it wasn’t just me.