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Lost in regret and disbelief after my dog died, unable to move forward.

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This topic contains 27 replies, has 26 voices, and was last updated by  Marsh 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #154484

    jill thornsberry
    Participant

    Dear Sara: I’m in the same boat as you are. It stinks. I miss my Sissy I just want to die and be with her. I’ve had pups and animals my whole life and I still have her sister. I rescued both of them. I recently found out they are Carolina breed dog. Which is the oldest dog on record. They are to believed to be angels sent by god to us. My Sissa was just that! I too went through a very similar situation and had no time to think. Missy her sister is different. Sissy was the love of my life. You can’t come closer to experience god and spirit than having Sissy. She was my everything. I kept her sister Missy because I was able to put an e collar on her so she wouldn’t fight with Sissy. Sissy loved everyone even her sister who would fight with her. I hate to say it, but why didn’t god take Missy instead of Sissy and did I do the right thing or should I gave my Sissy a fighting chance. I too had no time to think, but its weird for three days after before she was creameated I felt so happy and felt her, but after that although I’ve had dreams and visions its not enough. I hate life now and just wish I am with her. I can’t even sleep anymore. Its been over a year and I think about her every moment of every day. I can’t even get another one until Missy goes because of her bad attitude. She’s 12 now and has slowed down, but you can’t trust her. God why did you take my sissy and why didn’t I do something before and listen to my instincts when I saw her tummy getting big. I’ve had my own health problems and no support. Why did I get so depressed when she was so sick and trying to get me out of bed. I’ve never experienced so much guilt. Don’t know how much more I can take. My life had never been that great until my Sissy and I managed to screw that up too. The vet said she had chronic leukemia but it wasn’t that bad and it could be years so we watched and waited. The vet said if her numbers go up then we just put her on meds and she would be find. That isn’t what happened. My Sissy acted like her old self, but her tummy looked big and instead of getting xrays I put it off because she couldn’t get in the truck anymore and I didn’t have the energy or strength to get her down there and the vet didn’t seem like it was a big deal and I lost my little bear to hs and couldn’t bare it happening again. So many things I think I just shut down when I should have been getting her help. One day she was fine the next she didn’t drink, the next she didn’t eat and the next she couldn’t keep water down it foamed out of her mouth. That’s when my neighbor who she gave a kiss on his knee like saying goodbye picked her up and put her in my SUV. She so wanted to go for a little walk, but I said no and thought we would get her medicine and come right home. Never assume. I also decided to take her on her favorite drive before the vETs and boy did she pop up and was happy with the wind in her hair, but when I thought we were going to be late I cut it short and she was so disappointed. I got to the vets and they made me wait after taking sissy back for over an hour that never had happened. The vet finally told me there was no hope, and boy was I angry they made me wait so long and my poor sissy had been laying on the floor in the back without a blanket or her mommy. I insisted beforehand they gave her pain meds but they said it wouldn’t help but I could take her to emergcy for an ultra sound. I had seen this vet for 10 years all of Sissy’s life and spent lots of money on both dogs. All I could think of was to get her to emergency. I got her there they did the ultra sound and said she probably had hs the same as littlebear and blood was in her tummy and she probably wouldn’t have survived surgery. Little bear had his spleen removed and they said he would live 3 months to 2 years, but he was gone in days.  I just couldn’t make up my mind, but even though the vet seemed nice I still felt like I was pushed into letting her go without a fighting chance. It would have cost me at least 5000. Looking back I wish I would have given her the chance. It makes me sick to think I listened to others and didn’t give her that chance. We don’t do that to humans why do we do that to our most beloved. I was such a coward I didn’t even stay. She walked in the room and that should have given me enough thought that if she could walk, she may have survived the blood transfusion and surgery. I read so much and found so many pups had survived with surgery and meds and herbs. I feel like I killed her. I just didn’t want her to be in pain and when I saw her she almost seemed to not know me, but that was probably the drugs. God I miss her!!!  She also seemed to be telling me not to do it, but i wasnt listening . I am so angry with all the vets involved and people especially the vet I used for years allowing my sissa to lay back there for over an hour on the cold floor without meds for pain without her mommie and she had the Audacity to charge me for the xray which I refuse to pay.  Life is just pointless without my Sissy. I’m just hanging around for my mom and other dog. What if there is no afterlife. And the only chance I had I took it away from her. God I don’t deserve to live. When I lost my other pups I thought it was the worst, but nothing can compare to this. Then again was I supposed to go through this to make me stronger, but then again why would Sissy have to pay the price. I can barely breathe. Life is pain and just a nightmare and I want out. I want my Sis and happiness. If I only knew she finally had the friends she so craved and I knew she was happy. If we knew each other before why did we come to such an awful place only to loose each other again. It doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense. Why does such a mean animal stay and a pure love one go. Is it really survival of the fittest. Such a horrible and waste to believe this. Why do mediums say they see and feel are love ones, but we can’t. So many why’s?

    #155690

    Andrew
    Participant

    I know this post is old now, but I had to chime in. You are definitely not alone. Back in January, our dog suddenly collapsed one night. He could not get his balance, he was crying, and his tongue and gums were turning white. We rushed him to the emergency vet, and they kept him overnight on pain meds. In the morning he was transferred to another vet for more extensive tests. He was bleeding from his spleen. We opted to have the spleen removed and tested. The tragic news came back that he had Hemangiosarcoma. I believe this is what your dog had as well. There is no cure for this, and the prognosis is abysmal. It is 1-3 months without chemo, 3-5 with chemo. We chose not to put him through chemo and let him live out his days. We had only had him for one year, he was rescued from a korean dog farm, flown to the US, and now was given this death sentence. It is completely unfair, what a cruel world. Two mornings ago, he collapsed and showed all the same symptoms as his first bleeding incident. We silently agreed that we knew it was his time. We took him to the vet and they said there was nothing further that could be done. We knew we had to put him down, he was in pain with no cure. I am honestly still in disbelief that he is gone. I wake up in the morning expecting him to be there wagging his tail waiting for his breakfast, at night I expect him to come bolting in my room and nudge the back of my chair for his snack. One of the sweetest dogs I have ever known taken so tragically. I will remember him forever.

    #156264

    Jesse
    Participant

    To Sarah and all of the other Dog mourners!

    Thanks for posting the process of your experience with your loved Dog!  She’s sound wonderful and the love was beyond basic.  Its so hard to cope and try to walk and breathe.  Your feelings are deep inside and are only shown by your eyes.  You say you cant get out of bed.  Please try.  Wake up because your dog is looking down at you picking out your home in Dogland.  A place where all Dog lovers go. But she needs you to be strong and guide her to pick that spot because otherwise your sorrow may not bring her the strength.  She watches you everyday and every night, so pick yourself up!  I put his leash, towel, and a picture of him looking at me in the passenger seat.  I talk to him like hes still alive.  Asking him where is puppy friends are? Telling him we’re going to the lake.  Im not afraid what someone might think cause its our bond that we created in 12.5 yrs that only matters to us.  I hope to find the strength to love another dog, but I know it wont be Jake and that hurts.  All dogs are good dogs they just need the right companion to complete the circle of love.

    Its only been 9 days since my Jake pasted. We were only separated 14 days in 12.5 years.  Im single and lonely, but he was my partner in crime. Literally we spent all day playing on our 20 acres or swimming, hunting, fishing, he ride on the jet ski, rolling around, getting crazy.  I even bought a Tahoe so he could come to work with me just chilling in the back with all seats layed out with his water and food.  I would walk him on my breaks and we never were far apart.  Our bond was just has strong.  He died a similar fashion.  Mast Cell Disease which hit him on a Fathers Day brought to vet on Tues and was told 3 weeks tops.  He died in the Tahoe 24 hours later riding shotgun has I brought him driving in the woods taking the long way to the vet to have him go to sleep.  I think it got to his spleen too and basically I question and read so much material about this shitty time.  I cry every 2 hours or so.  I drank so much the next 6 days and realized that’s not the answer.  I could only call in sick for two days and it wasn’t  enough to properly heal.  The first couple days id sit outside and cry.  I could feel the wind go thru me.  The sun didn’t show up for 8 days.  I realized I like the rain.  My senses increased and I felt a sad euphoria.  I could hear birds in the distance like never before.  Im more calm, but sad.  More bitter but better.  More focused but weak. All of this will blend together I hope to make me stronger.  Its hard to look ppl in the eyes.  Even believe their intentions.  My focus is now to get out of health care and live my life.  Money isn’t even a factor anymore.  I feel this is the being of being Free as sad has it may be, my Dog is gone.  He wants me to chase those dreams like sticks and run like the wind.   hello World goodbye my Best Friend forever.  I will miss you everyday im alive.

    #164228

    julen
    Participant

    you will grieve forever
    “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
    ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

    #164936

    Jasmine
    Participant

    Thank you so much for sharing. My Hershey passed away last night and although it hasn’t even been a day yet, I’m a mess. I hate coming home and not seeing her. I couldn’t sleep last night because she normally sleeps in my bed and waking up was even harder when I didn’t see her next to me. I’m angry, sad, heartbroken, and confused. She was a 6-year-old miniature dachshund that we rescued when one of our friends found her in her neighborhood when she was 6 months old. She was 200 blocks away from where her original owners set her free because they didn’t want her. The moment I saw her picture I knew I wanted her and thus began a beautiful friendship. She was my baby and I cared about her so much. I constantly reminded her how she is the most beautiful girl in the world. I don’t know if she knew how happy she made me. She still makes me happy but with the memories come the tears.

    She had congestive heart failure since she was a pup but 2 weeks ago we had an exterminator come and he didn’t give us the correct information about the poison. He claimed that it dries after 15 minutes making it safe for animals. When she got sick my mom started doing research and found out that it takes up to 30 minutes for the poison to dry and become safe for animals. Two weeks ago began the process of giving 5 meds a day and watching her like a hawk, needing to force her to eat and watching get better then get worse. This past Saturday we took her to the emergency clinic and they kept her overnight. I had to make the decision that they will perform CPR if anything were to happen. I was hopeful that come Monday we would be picking up Hershey from the clinic taking her home so that she can continue to get better. On Sunday, I visited her in the clinic 3 times. She was in an oxygen tank and looked so tired. It was heartbreaking. I was lucky enough to be able to pet her and rub her ear right where she likes it one more time. I was hopeful. But come Sunday night I left work early to visit her after I got the call that she wasn’t doing good and would probably not make it pass the night. The whole way home from work I was thinking about whether I wanted them to do CPR on her if anything were to happen. When my family and I finally got to the clinic she collapsed and passed away. I didn’t get the chance to tell them that I did want them to perform CPR. I got to kiss her goodbye and thank her for loving me and allowing me to love her.

    Her heart got so big that she was barely able to breathe. She had liquid in her lungs and her liver was suffering. It’s not for sure that this was because on the poison but I believe it was. I believe that she would still be with us, still with a big heart (cause she loves so much) but I honestly believe that she would be in good spirits here in my bed next to me.

    Thank you for allowing me to share and get the thoughts and emotions out.

     

     

    #169242

    Kaili
    Participant

    Sarah,

    Hi my name is Kaili and I can’t say I fully understand what you are going through because I am not you, but I have been through something similar. When I was seven years old I really didn’t understand death my family is a firm believer in the after life so my parents never really had to explain it. When my 21 year old cat had a stroke I thought we would just go to the vet and make him better, sadly that was not the case. My parents kind of knew it was coming so for once in his life ever since my mom had rescued him we took him outside and I just blew it off as thing my parents wanted to do. Later that day at around midnight we went to a 24-hour small vet and had him put down. In a sense I knew what was going on but not really, I didn’t know I would never see my cat after that. every day for months my music teacher would bring up what a coda was for our recorder recital and I would cry because that was his name, Coda. I miss him very much and I still love him with all my heart. In December of 2016 my Grandpa passed away from a brief battle with bone cancer and long term type 2 diabetes neglect. When we lost him it wasn’t sudden it was just well…expected. I miss him too with all my heart. Very recently my dog Layla passed away from acute kidney failure after struggling with it for a year and a half. Every day for a year and a half we gave her sub-Q liquids to help her kidneys. She passed away on June 8, 2017 at the age of 14. I have six other animals to take care of on a daily bases. I still live at home with my parents and have just transferred into middle school this summer. My Dog Layla was and still is very special to me and no dog, no human, and nothing will ever replace her. My other animals are getting up there to, my oldest cat is 30 years old and my youngest is my betta fish named Winter who is 2. One of my dogs is not expected to live past February and he is my absolute world, he is the only one i can hold and kiss and I’ve trained him to go everywhere with me in and out of the house. I feel like complete shit and I just can’t think strait, every time I try and go to my psychiatrist I just act anxious because I also have anxiety but I can never put my depression into words. I feel all alone and unhappy. To make matters worse my mom just got diagnosed with an aneurysm and soon she will have to get it taken care of in surgery. Me and my dad were and still are really close but we have been fighting a lot more I don’t know if it’s teen stuff already but I don’t mean to do it I really don’t mean to hurt him or my mom, but I just can’t help it. I’m sorry if  this turned into a post more about me, but I really do hope it helps other people out in the world especially Sarah and others in need. And if anyone would like to help me y giving me advice go right ahead, but please no rude or hurtful comments. Remember I am only still a kid.

    Thanks!

    -dogandcatlover1912

     

     

     

    #171665

    Tajana
    Participant

    Hi Sarah. I know this post is 2 years old but i know you still feel as it was yesterday that your dog died and you still miss her.You are not alone.I had one dog.One beautiful little dog called Fleki.He was our first dog.Im only 15.After my parents divorced,i felt like shit and that im alone,but then my mom brought Fleki home in 2012 . And he was a little bit scared because he was just a baby but also very adventurous he was always sniffing and playing and chewing.And he made my life 10000% better as it was before.He played with me and my brother.He comforted me when i was crying,he was scratching at my door when it was time to wake up to go to school.And those 5 years that he was with me and my family.Those were the most beautiful 5 years i can possibly imagine.But then he got sick,he got the disease called babesia and he was in such pain i cant describe you.he couldnt breathe.we all knew that hes not gonna make it but we still hoped somehow he will survive.But he wasnt strong enough and my baby boy died yesterday at 1pm. I was at school when my grandma called me that he passed away. Then when i came how everyone was crying and i wanted to see him for the last time.so i said to my mom and my stepdad to take mo to veterinarian.and he was just lying there looking at me and smilling. Those were the worst minutes of my life.we couldnt eat we couldnt sleep and i dont know if it would get better he was my little companion and i said to him when he was lying there ,i said Fleki thank you for everything thank you for being there with my at my hardest moments of my life when my dad passd away thank you for making my day better just looking me with those gorgeous brown eyes and thank you for just being you i wont forget you i love you. I miss him so much he was so smart and we are all in shock. I apologize for my bad english

    #193669

    Kath
    Participant

    Hi Sarah, I relate so deeply to what you have relayed about your beautiful dog Molly.  I honestly feel the loss of an animal that is so precious is one of the hardest and cruelest things a person can go through.  I too have lost animals that I’ve loved beyond words and losing them doesn’t get any easier no matter how many times I’ve been through it….  I hope that by now some other lucky dog is living the good life with you.  My loss is only a few months ago and I am still finding the pain of missing her utterly crippling…  lots of tears, lots of guilt, lots of regret… and silent lonliness that goes on and on..   I often say that I love having them but I’m not good at losing them.  The love I had for my little cherub was intense, and like you, I had her euthanased.  Take care x

    #215829

    Ann
    Participant

    Hi Sarah,

    I have had a similar experience to yours within the last few days and understand how you were feeling. I haven’t posted on this forum before either and writing this reply is all part of many unpredictable changes happening to my life. I can see the same changes were happening to you and that you were reaching out to anyone , anywhere to get some relief or understanding which you needed,deserved and hopefully have now. Your post is now 3 years old and that some of us are still replying despite knowing youll never read our words, goes to show how horrendous and underestimated this grief can be. By writing this out I feel like I’m somehow sending out support to you that you can unknowingly use elsewhere. I also hope that people who come to this post in future read every reply as you have received some very wise, comforting advice from people who know. I have pulled sentences out of many of the replies which have helped me and I genuinely want to thank everyone who has posted here as you all got me out of bed today.

    I’m hoping that a level of healing has now occurred for you which enables you to think, function and be happier. We will always carry the “what if’s”  or the ” I should have’s” to a degree, but they will definitely lessen and sometimes are even replaced altogether with a better understanding and thus , mental peace. Incase it helps at all, I genuinely believe you made the correct decision regarding not going through with the operation. I would never say that simply to be compassionate as that isn’t always helpful. You made the right call and any objective dog person will say the same. You were 28 at the time which means you may not have had to make these calls before and I hope you have factored this in to giving yourself a genuine break. Self forgiveness.

    If you stumble across this thread again by chance it would be briliant if you could write a little about your experience with grief and how you’re going thesedays. It may help those people who are still coming to your post in utter despair whilst also giving closure to your post if that is something you want. People who like you, aren’t recovering within socially expected ‘normal’ time frames or who might be alone and have just lost their best mate. I hope we do hear from you:)

    The death of a dog, cat, fish, rabbit, horse, rat, pig, lizard, bird, ferret or anything else termed as  “pet” is still widely underestimated in our culture. The grief is real and we need to talk about it because it’s normal.

    If you’ve just found this thread and are feeling the unexpected sickness and aloneness of pure grief, I wisely urge you to read all 23 replies here. Take home the one or two sentences that will distill some of your pain for this morning, today or even just the next few minutes. Try as best as you can to be pro-active in the grief process by learning about these bizarre emotions and thoughts. By articulating emotions you can then validate them and know that it’s all normal. I thought I was the only person in the world who didn’t want to go back to my house, drive past the park or even get back in the car where my great friend sat next to me on every drive. But I’m not and there’s healing in that.

    I could type forever at this point so I’ll stop here and just thank everyone again for your posts which have given me some respite today.

    #273995

    SerengetiLion
    Participant

    Sarah, I’d like to connect with you please. I too lost the love of my life and can’t move on from it. Thank you, Tina. My email is codypup8@gmail.com.  Hope to hear from you soon.

    #293019

    Ray
    Participant

    A very old thread, I know. I found it searching for stories that might help me understand my own pain. I imagine and hope the original poster has long ago moved forward, but it’s interesting to see online how common a thread this is. My own Golden was put to sleep less than 14 hours ago. I had no idea the pain associated with losing a dog until now. She was 15 (old for a Golden), the passing was peaceful relative to many stories: we trusted our vet (he is great and was very patient in explaining the health conditions and prognosis). She stopped eating except for special treats, had lots of trouble moving, she was deaf and started to seem increasingly unable to do any of those things that had given her joy. The best case, given her afflictions,  was she would last a few weeks in gradually worsening shape–the worst case was that a tumor would burst and she would suffer at the end while we tried to get her help to pass on. Still, as logical and humane as was the timing, it was unimaginably hard to let go of this dog–there were still echos of her old self. A part of me wanted to hang onto her at all cost.

    I have a fairly manageable life, happy marriage, and hadn’t given all that much thought to any of this until the last few months (she started having issues 18 months ago and was on meds since that time, so it wasn’t a shock and there was ostensibly time to adjust). We (wife and I)  knew the storm was  coming from a long way out, we had talked, supported each other, I have no particular second guesses about timing or choices: despite all of these seeming advantages, the end hit me like the proverbial truck.

    We had the adult children present at the end–telling stories and sharing photos–it was a peaceful almost serene passing in our home. When we held her as the vet was administering and she was passing I felt like the world had stopped and I was lost in some surreal other place. I honestly have never cried so much or felt some much pain in my life. I’ve lost best friends and a sibling–and it was hard but not quite like this. I came on the web to understand: why would this be so different and devastating–it’s as some say “just a dog”.

    I can say after many hours of reading posts: my pain is far from unique. I thought because she was so gentle, so loving a dog that perhaps my situation was just very different, that I was more bonded–maybe excessively bonded. I work from home so this dog was my partner all day, every day. But, I’ve found that very many of us are in the same boat. Some people writing on forums have misgivings over the final choices–maybe in some cases mistaking their inevitable pain for something they imagine they could have chosen around. The fact is though: many of us spend so much of our lives in close proximity to a pet that the experience of our life and the pet becomes virtually inseparable. Short of a spouse or child, I can only imagine it’s hard for any other loss to compare. When, for years, the first thing you hear every morning is your dog rattling her tags to get you up and take her out, and the last thing everyday is her bumping the side of your bed as she lays down next to you; you can expect that separation is going to hurt like mad.

    I don’t know the long game of this–as I said it’s only been less than a day for me. Instead of working I’m searching the web to take some kind of comfort in the stories of others, and posting my own. I’m going to take a walk and gather myself, and then later I’ll take a look at some pictures and try to smile. I may talk to a therapist if my emotions don’t feel at least a bit more manageable later in the week.  A very lovely being permeated my years with her love and playfulness. I had not fully grasped the extent of the gift until the last few days. It sounds corny, but both my wife and I thanked her as she was about to leave. We hope to be able to turn back to her memory and smile in the infinitude of small joys she brought us when the intensity of the moment settles down. If you are in the same boat, now or years down the line reading through the threads, know that I, and many others, are there with you, holding you, and feeling what you feel.

    #324899

    Marsh
    Participant

    I just lost my 8 year old shih tzu a few days ago suddenly. He was fine one minute and within hours he died in my car on the way to an emergency vet hospital. he had pneumothorax, basically a collapsed lung. I am completely devastated. I am wondering if anyone else has had a dog with this type of condition that we never knew about. Any comments will help. Thanks!

     

    #324951

    Marsh
    Participant

    Ray,

    Your story touched me greatly. I lost my shih tzu of 8 years a few days ago. It was sudden and unexpected. He was not sick but when I got home from an appt he was clearly not himself. He died within a few hours.  I wish I had more time with him. He was my constant companion and very loyal to me. I feel like I got gypped in not having him around longer. I hope that if you receive this comment, please respond and if you can give me any pointers in how to cope from such a devastating loss, that will be most helpful.

     

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