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WillParticipantDear Devis Shirima,
I’m afraid I have to disagree with you. You are not the victim here. You can’t keep blaming your wife’s anger for your wandering mind. It’s YOUR mind. YOU are responsible for what it does.
You decided to let go of your mistress, so now you want to make your wife more like your mistress? No. She is who she is. She gets angry over little things. You know, that’s probably not pleasant for her, either. Instead of trying to make her into someone else, try asking how you can help her get a handle on her temper.
When thoughts of your mistress trouble you, remind yourself of the choice you made. Don’t get mad, just be firm with your mind, like it’s a child. “OK, mind, I don’t want to think about that. That’s in the past now. I want to think about my wife and child. I love them, because ___________”
Take responsibility. Love your wife. Tell the thoughts of your mistress you’re not interested in them anymore. Be strong, and over time, the memories of her will start to fade.
All my best wishes to you and your wife.
WillParticipantYes, there is something wrong with you.
I’m sorry, that’s kind of rude. I don’t mean there’s something wrong with you like, you’re broken forever. I mean the way you’re thinking is getting in the way of your happiness and your ability to love, and that’s tragic, and you should try to change the way you’re thinking so it doesn’t do that.
I don’t think you’re the only one with this problem. I think it may have something to do with the way you were educated around love and relationships, and the ideas and preconceptions you have about what it means to be in a relationship.
You correctly identify this as jealousy, and jealousy is toxic to any relationship. I agree that finding someone to whom you would be “the first” is probably not going to solve your issue, because you’ll still be jealous. You’ll just be jealous of potential others she might have in the future, instead of another she had in the past.
I think the answer is that you’ll have to re-educate yourself. I think you may have been lied to. Love isn’t about doing something for the first time. When it comes to sex, for most people the first time is kind of clumsy and unsatisfying, and not with the person they’ll be with for the rest of their lives. And when it comes to love, actually, the same is true. Look for books or movies or articles or whatever that are about that kind of love. Not young love, not first time crazy love, but the love people are capable of when they’ve been through it before, and actually kind of know what they’re doing.
Take it from a 34-year-old with an exciting new lover. I’ve been through some wacky relationships, but my love is as fresh and bright as the first. And it’s actually better because I’m not twisting myself in knots over whether I’m doing it right or everything’s going to be ok. (For clarity: I’m talking about love, not sex here.) Yes, I have done the things I do now with my new lover before, and yet all of it is completely new, because HE is new. And therefore I am new. And life is beautiful.
Here’s a place to start reading. Your post reminded me of this article: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2011/09/love-virginity.html
WillParticipantYes, I can see that.
I think you did all right, and you seem to be handling this well. Trust in yourself, and carry on, sister.
WillParticipantYou could try to do whatever relaxation exercises you do to feel really calm and secure, and then bringing this person to mind. Try not to get involved in your inner narrative about things they did or said or what you should do or whatever. Just imagine a really simple interaction. Just saying hello, how are you. Probably imagining it will make you a little more nervous. When you feel nervous, drop the fantasy and go back to breathing or imagining light or whatever you do, until you feel calm again.
Rehearse just saying hello to them, in your mind, over and over, until it’s boring. You can also remind yourself you will handle this one way or another, that they have no power over you anymore, that you’re not going to get hurt, and that you’re doing better than you were.
Congratulations on getting out of a relationship that wasn’t working and getting a handle on your anxiety. You’re doing well. Keep climbing.
WillParticipantStick to your guns. He can send Jason or a man-with-a-van to get his stupid bed, or he can sleep on the floor.
If he calls you unreasonable, just say, “yes, I’m not going to be reasonable about this. I don’t want to see you, I don’t want you in my house, and that’s how it is. I’m sorry if that makes you feel bad. So, when’s the van man coming round?”
His emotions (about being treated as a monster or whatever) aren’t your responsibility. It’s your house. If you don’t feel comfortable with him there, you don’t have to let him in. Simple.
(Aside, is this the actor?)
February 25, 2014 at 8:09 am in reply to: need help with my best friend ( UPDATED after 2 days ) #51719WillParticipant“Please dont tell me to move on and forget her.”
OK. I won’t. Why did you think we might tell you to, though? And what do you think might happen if you tried?
You want to know how you can be closer to her, and make her into your best friend again. Well, you can’t make someone be friends with you, but here’s my idea: treat her like your friend. Not like your life-support system without whom you’ll die. Not like your personal emotional crutch whom you can lean on. Not like a tricky character in a dating simulation who will do exactly what you want if you just pick the right dialogue options and send the right gifts.
She’s a person. An individual with her own needs and wants. What does she need from you? How can you be a good friend to her?
I can tell you’re in pain, and this is really difficult for you. But I would advise you to try being a little more self-supporting. You are not dependent on her for your happiness. There are other things (or other people) that make life worthwhile. Spend some time with other friends, or just by yourself, entertaining yourself. By learning to stand on your own feet a little more, you’ll actually be able to be a better friend to her. You’ll have more to offer. And hopefully she’ll notice that, and get in touch more often.
WillParticipantDear Kelly,
You’ve already given yourself the advice you need. Stop feeding your ego. Let go. You know what you need to do.
All right, but how?
You’re clearly in conflict with yourself. You don’t want to feel like this, but you do. You call yourself a petulant child. You think you’re likely taking too much credit by thinking of him as a fixer upper you fixed, but …! As long as you’re going to keep fighting with yourself over this, you’re unlikely to make any progress.
So first, stop fighting. You want to be compassionate, but you’re resentful and jealous of a potential new love. You want to want what’s best for him, but you don’t. You don’t want him to be successful as an actor, you don’t want him to pay off his debts. Not without you. Because it hurts.
It’s not a pretty picture, but that’s where you are. That’s where you need to start.
Don’t start with an affirmation like this: “I hope you do really well in the theatre and everyone will love you and you’ll find someone new and never be in debt again,” because you don’t feel like that. Try maybe something like this: “I hope that on opening night you don’t spontaeously combust, setting the theatre of fire and killing everyone who came to the performance.” If you feel that, you can take another step. “In fact, I don’t actually hope you’ll spontaneously combust at all.” Maybe another. “In fact, I hope it goes well. You bastard.”
Don’t aim for universally loving and compassionate and equaniminous (is that even a word?), that’s too big a step. Try for slightly less bitter than you feel right now. Practice feeling just a little more forgiving and generous towards him, and guard your thoughts. If you find yourself resentmenting (yes, that’s a verb) about his success (or potential success), try to catch yourself. “Hey now, sweetheart, we don’t need to be upset over that. He’s a fellow human being. Let’s try and wish for something positive. Like, I hope he doesn’t catch syphilis.”
Journey a thousand miles; start where your feet are standing.
WillParticipantI agree with what Matt said, finding a teacher or a community of meditators may be helpful. And Metta is always good.
I don’t agree with Mr Slickback. I have thought my way out of panic attacks before, it’s not just a physiological event, it’s mental, too. I used to get them, I don’t anymore, and I didn’t take medication. I just learned how to handle my stress better (and got out of my horrible position in work).
Anyway, it seems to me that you’re experiencing a lot of anxiety, and you’re meditating, but I’m not convinced the first is caused by the second.
I wonder what kind of meditation you’re doing: not all meditation is calming, and some of it isn’t meant to be calming. I found plain old mindfulness on the breath to be really helpful when I had a lot of anxiety rattling around, but it’s not a one time fix. You need to do it regularly, train yourself every day, again and again, train your mind to be calm and non-judgemental and accepting.
It did me a lot of good, maybe it’ll work for you.
WillParticipantBefore I advise you, let me check I got my facts straight.
When you were 16, you got into a relationship with B, then 14. It lasted for a year and a bit. In the end she got jealous and insecure over the fact she wasn’t your first girlfriend, she cheated, she broke up with you.
This was three years ago, and you can’t stop thinking about her and missing her.
When you first got together, she was the sweetest thing that ever breathed (I’m paraphrasing) but then she turned cold, callous, and most definitely evil (not paraphrasing). Among her heinous cruelties are that she wished you a long and happy life, and went on to have a relationship and a baby with another man.
Have I got this right?
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