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need help with my best friend ( UPDATED after 2 days )

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  • February 25, 2014 at 3:23 am #51712
    chris
    Participant

    Im 21 this year.. I live in asia, singapore. I have met this girl in a mobile game since last year june. She lives in america. She is just one year younger then me..
    For the past few months we have been best friends, texting everyday, we been through arguments togethers.. she always gives me virtual hugs ( i love it , it really make me happy…) , she always says ” yaay i miss you ” after i wake up from my sleep.. During this few months, the only friend I really talk to is her. She is so important to me.

    However , during last week we almost fell out because of a mistake that I made.
    It would be a really long story, so I would cut to where the problem is now. Due to the incident, she deleted the messaging application that we used which is LINE. Forcing me to use the basic text app ( which results in expensive overseas text ). I had to beg her to download it back. This is where my separation anxiety came up. Its the first time I felt it. I was really scared and panicking , that I made another mistake of begging her boyfriend to ask her to download that application back.. She actually download LINE back saying she was worried, I was so happy.. but when she heard from her bf that i begged him, she deleted it straight away again.. I went googling the whole time , everything about getting best friend back. I sent her poems and she really like one in particular.

    After a few days, She has forgiven me for this lastest and biggest screw up I have made in my friendship with her, she downloaded LINE back but now she feels more distant and abit cold to me. I promised to her that I would change. She doesnt trust me alot now because of the lies I made during when the separation anxiety occurred. Its like I dropped from a best friend to a normal one even if she says we are best friends.

    Im now paranoid that she might stop being friends with me .. and im really upset about this.. and I totally regret what I did..I want to know how I can be closer to her again.. and make her contact me more and be like how it was last time.. and make her say those stuff like ” yaay I miss you ” she is really important to me, please dont tell me to move on and forget her..

    My story has been cut short and I left out some details..i hope its sufficient but I can give more info if it is needed..

    February 25, 2014 at 8:09 am #51719
    Will
    Participant

    “Please dont tell me to move on and forget her.”

    OK. I won’t. Why did you think we might tell you to, though? And what do you think might happen if you tried?

    You want to know how you can be closer to her, and make her into your best friend again. Well, you can’t make someone be friends with you, but here’s my idea: treat her like your friend. Not like your life-support system without whom you’ll die. Not like your personal emotional crutch whom you can lean on. Not like a tricky character in a dating simulation who will do exactly what you want if you just pick the right dialogue options and send the right gifts.

    She’s a person. An individual with her own needs and wants. What does she need from you? How can you be a good friend to her?

    I can tell you’re in pain, and this is really difficult for you. But I would advise you to try being a little more self-supporting. You are not dependent on her for your happiness. There are other things (or other people) that make life worthwhile. Spend some time with other friends, or just by yourself, entertaining yourself. By learning to stand on your own feet a little more, you’ll actually be able to be a better friend to her. You’ll have more to offer. And hopefully she’ll notice that, and get in touch more often.

    February 25, 2014 at 8:57 am #51721
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Chris,

    I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with her. It must be quite confusing. There is one thing i would like to add here. As you said before, you’ve had arguments before, right? This is probably one of those misunderstandings. Also, perhaps reaching out to her boyfriend so unexpectedly may have made her feel you crossed certain boundaries. We must acknowledge that no matter how close you two are, this is indeed an online friendship. Both of you live on other sides of the world after all and a lot of body language is missed out in the process.

    Secondly, this cooling period can help you re-evaluate a central issue you pointed out, called “separation anxiety”. There will be more people like this friend in your life as you get older. It is quite clear that not all of them would be endlessly available to you. The real issue seems to be stemming from your own inner anxiety. Consider asking yourself why it is there in the first place. Several friends dont interact for days in fact as they have hectic lives. Its the bond and connection that counts. That will remain irrespective of any distance if that is a person you have a genuine connection with.

    Ask yourself whether feeling so anxious about having this relationship crumble is perhaps your inherent fear of being alone and disconnected, rather than simply losing a friend? Even if this friendship does cool down as some online friendships do, what about you? There is after all more to you than this friend. As you go on, you will find means to make more connections with others, perhaps virtual or real-life?

    If boredom or discomfort of being alone is the issue, then honestly ask yourself if you really open up to other people or feel too afraid to do so? Also, please try considering her needs as well. She has more to her life beyond this friendship and so do you. Respect your space and hers as well. Mix more with other people and develop a more balanced sense of self. Keep your mind busy in learning and new things. Try out these ted talks. They helped me to get another perspective on the situation-


    Over time, this will get resolved but dont punish yourself like crazy because this friendship is feeling distant. Hope you feel better soon!

    February 25, 2014 at 6:38 pm #51761
    chris
    Participant

    Thanks for your replies..

    i have forgotten to add in some things and im really sorry

    1) After she had forgiven me, i felt happier, however the separation anxiety was still there and i couldnt calm down most of the time. Due to this, i got another friend ( also her friend ) to help us meditate. Before this, it was slightly better. She must be mad at me for bringing an extra friend, letting more people know about this problem.

    2) Should i tell her its really hurting me.. because it really is..

    February 27, 2014 at 8:16 pm #51963
    chris
    Participant

    UPDATE :

    My Friend has advised me on this. A few pointers from him is :

    1) Talk normally to her. As if her and i had just met and became friends.

    2) He asked me not to mention anything of the incident that happened between me and my best friend anymore.

    3) He told me to use more emoticons in my messages. ( I tried doing this, she said i was now being adorable )

    What do you guys think? So far she is beginning to talk more, however its still not the same as before i brought in the friend to meditate for us .

    And inside me.. i still feel stressed and restless..i really have no idea why.. my friend helps telling me to calm down and not to overthink too much…

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