Dear Violet,

Thank you for sharing this. I like very much what Anita and Lola suggest.

I can relate. I was married to a narcissist for 10 years who cheated on me and constantly lied.  He’d make me feel crazy when I confronted him about anything. I recently began dating a wonderful man. It started out slowly as a friendship and has blossomed into everything I ever hoped for.  We live in different cities; but only like 45 minutes from each other. I know he works two jobs and has family responsibilities; we talk everyday and he keeps me in the loop when something is going on. I work a full time job and co-parent my kids with my ex.  I pretty much know where my boyfriend is at at all times.  But you’re right; my past experiences, despite getting to know him more and build trust, cause me to doubt the slightest change in his plans or day. Or if he says he’ll text or call me at a certain time and doesn’t, or respond back to me quickly enough, instead of realizing something could be wrong, or something came up, I immediately get upset and start to spiral.  “Has he changed his mind about me?”, “does he think I’m too clingy?”, “is he getting tired of me?”, “Is he with his ex wife?”, “I knew I wasn’t pretty enough for him..”  It turns out there is always a good explanation; his phone died, his grandma needed something urgent, he had a medical family emergency..and I know his sister so I know all these things are true.  These moments of insecurity are getting fewer and further between, but they still occur.  We both had bad marriages, so we try to be understanding of each others insecurities and “deal breakers”…but it can be hard.

But what I’ve been doing is trying very hard in the moment to stop myself and say, “ok, there is always a good reason if he doesn’t answer right away.  I have to remember all the truths I know about him and all the times he has shown I can trust him. I’m not going to get out of control right now, upsetting myself, and upsetting him because I love him. When I talk to him I will find out what the reason was and then I will feel silly for getting so worked up.  If it is not an acceptable excuse, the two of us will discuss it like adults.”

I just have to try and remember he is NOT my ex and he has to be able to trust ME TO TRUST HIM, as much as I have to actually trust him.

I wish you the very best!!