Dear Anita and Noor,

Thank you!

I do wish I could have just made a direct contact with them in the beginning. Maybe things will be different? I do not know.

I actually want to stress out this point that I don’t think his parents are bad people. The way my boyfriend talks about them and how much they suffered a lot for him and what they taught him about life makes me glad he was raised by decent people.

I forgot to mention some other things. One of the other reasons why they want us to break up is according to them, if we will get married, then I have to go with him to India in the future and stay there. Would I really want that? Because I left my home country to settle in this beautiful first world country, only to end up back again in a third world country? And they actually have a point. They don’t want to ruin my future.

Which is why I could never hate his parents. All I wish is to have an understanding about the culture and the traditions.

I am now with my boyfriend again. And I checked his phone, his mom sent him three pictures of a lady. I knew what it meant. I didn’t even know what to say to him, I just said I need some fresh air. Here I am, sitting on a bench, thinking should I do the right thing now and just end this once and for all?

Love sucks.

Sincerely,

Sunshine

Hi everyone,

Was looking for ways to move on from a breakup due to arranged marriage and I found this forum. I know we are still in the middle of a pandemic crisis and crying over a guy feels a bit selfish at this point. But it’s too much pain and I just want to let it all out.

I have read all your stories, from the first post of this forum to the latest one. Some of you have already written what it is that I am already thinking. It’s crazy how Indian parents tell their children they love them but not letting the latter be happy with their own love lives.

I have started dating my Indian boyfriend last May 2019. I was pretty honest with him even in the beginning. Telling him that I’ve heard stories about the whole arrange marriage stuff and if he wants to pursue me, will his parents accept me? He would say that he doesn’t want to think that far but what he knows at that time is he likes me a lot. And somehow I agreed too because my experience in my previous relationship before him was bad and I got a bit tired of being serious in a relationship. So I thought, why not take things slow?

But he wasn’t take things slow! He was sweet, he was showing me how much he loves me, he was the guy I was looking for all along. He even cried in front of me a lot of times every time I talked about a future where there is no us. On our 2nd – 3rd month, I would tell him that I wasn’t sure about my parents if they’re gonna accept me dating an Indian and I asked what he’s gonna do if my dad and mom told him to leave me. And he responded, “I’m not gonna give up that easily, baby.”

We were so happy and crazy about each other. He even asked me to live in with him but I said I couldn’t lie to my parents about that and they must meet him first. (Oh, I forgot to mention, none of our families are in the country we are currently staying. We are both on Work Visas.) On our 5th month, his boss asked him to work in his new branch in another city that it’s 2.5 hours away from us. Ever since, we were on LDR but I would visit him at least once or twice a month! We were too attached. We were even talking about where we would get married and where our honeymoon is gonna be.

Last New Year’s Eve, he came home to celebrate it with me. And on the first 5 days of the year, he was with me. He even gave me a beautiful necklace! I clearly remember telling him one night that not only have I welcomed the 2020 year with him, but I have welcomed this new decade with him, and I hope that I would never have to meet someone new because I would spend my life with him.

Then he went back to work again. And on the 2nd week of January 2020, he got really sick and has no one there to take care of him and I just came home from work and asked my supervisor if I could get a leave the next day as I need to be there for him. And after my supervisor approved, I caught the last bus trip that night and went to him. When he first saw me, he hugged me so tight. I didn’t even care if I’ll catch his fever. I was there for two nights, making sure he was fine.

Then the time came. He was telling me that his parents were happy that someone was taking care of him and he kept telling me to get ready cause he will finally introduce me to his parents through video call. I was nervous but also kept waiting for the call, it didn’t come. While he was resting and sleeping, I grabbed his phone to check his conversation with parents. Obviously, I couldn’t understand their language but what got me the attention was he wasn’t replying to them at all. I was confused. But I didn’t think it was a big deal. When he woke up next day, I told him that he should reply to his parents cause they seem really worried.

On the day that I need to go back to my place, while waiting for the scheduled time for the bus trip, we were sitting in his bedroom and finally he said, “I need to tell you something.” Those words. Still haunt me to this day. He said, “My parents are mad at me. They don’t want us to keep on dating.” And I laughed at first, telling him to stop joking around. But he was serious and tears started to fall from his eyes. And shit. I started crying because the way he was telling me meant one thing, he needs to leave me. So I asked, “So, you’re gonna leave me?” And he said that he wasn’t going to but he also didn’t know what to think anymore because his parents were hurt. And I felt bad because I didn’t want him to lose his parents. That moment was just chaotic. I was running away and he was chasing me, hugging me tight, saying sorry, and it was just filled with heartbreaking cries from the both of us. Until I had to take the bus and he said he’s gonna think of something and telling me to stop crying.

But I guess that was the last time we were in a happy relationship together where we didn’t have to think of leaving each other. When I came back, everytime we video called each other at night, we just fought and cried. After two nights, he finally told me to let him go and that he’s an asshole and I don’t deserve him, because he couldn’t fight for me. He loves his parents too much that the thought of losing them kills him. To be honest, I admired him for that. Cause I love my parents, too. And I am too close with my family, so to see him being a family-oriented guy made me even love him more. The only difference is, my parents, no matter how much they won’t like a person, they would never hate me for choosing someone I love. And I tried to explain him that his parents will never hate him too. But he said that I do not understand how Indian parents think. They are still living in the past. And I said, “Well you already know this would happen, why did you still pursue me?” He said that he thought things could change and he also told me that everything is his fault and he said I should be mad at him. If he’s not gonna hurt his parents, then it’s me who he’s gonna hurt. And he just felt bad, saying that I might think he only used me. We were both crying. And that’s why I just felt worse cause I could feel his love for me. But we ended it that night. I don’t even remember how I slept.

The next day I went to work and my eyes were just swollen. All I could think of was him. And then suddenly he sent me a message. It wasn’t that long but it included “Remember Jesus loves you. You are His favourite. And you are mine.” And fuck, I cried even more. I hated the fact that we broke up when we clearly still had feelings for him. So I started sending him messages and calling him but he was mad and he said that he needs to move on and it will be hard if we keep on doing the usual things and that the only reason why he still sent me that message cause he wanted me to know that he thinks of me but that doesn’t mean we have to go back to always talking to each other.

But I didn’t listen. On the last days of January, I went to visit him again without letting him know I was gonna come. And he was in shock. I told him to let me celebrate his birthday with him (3 Feb) before I start on my new job. And yeah, we pretended like nothing was wrong. On the 3rd day, I finally talked to him about it again, maybe he would change his mind, but no matter what I said, it didn’t work. And he made me understand the culture. And I had no choice but to respect it. But I also asked him if he could give me more time with him. I just wanted to make our relationship reach a year. Because he’s not gonna get married anytime soon yet. His parents still haven’t found any girl for him.  And he agreed and told me that he would give his 100% while we are still together and said that he also needed the time since he’s not yet ready to leave me. But asked me to promise him that when the time comes, I wouldn’t make it hard for him. And I promised.

Maybe that decision was wrong. We are now heading to July. And we have gotten closer than ever. During lockdown, all we do was talk to each other virtually. And on May this year, we celebrated our anniversary and we were just too in love. He even said how thankful he was of me that I accepted him no matter how hard it was.

These past few days, I think he is starting to realise that what we are doing is not right. And he’s trying to become rude at me. And I have been getting mad at him all the time. And he wouldn’t say sorry. I asked him yesterday, “Have they found someone already, is that why?” But he said they haven’t. It’s just that he promised to give me time til we reach one year and that time is over. We need to start moving on. He was about to break up with me last night but I was palpitating from all the crying and he said, “Okay, I’m sorry. We’re good. Just sleep. Good night. I love you.” But I know the time is almost here. I couldn’t sleep. I felt bad for using my tears as a weapon, for treating him like a prisoner, like he can’t leave me at all.

Which is why I found this forum. I wish I had seen this a long time ago, maybe I could have distanced myself from him in the beginning. I have to admit, the reason why I asked him for time is because I thought maybe I could changed his mind. But after reading all these, I don’t think I could ever do.

I pray and hope that sooner all Indian parents will stop forcing their kids to get married to someone if their kids don’t want to. I know I could never understand what their culture is but what I do know is love, no matter what race or culture or nationality or religion, love is the same. I pray that people will finally learn to let other people love whomever they want.

And to everyone experiencing the same, I hope I could meet each and everyone of you just to give comfort to each other. How we have experienced this sort of love is cruel and unimaginably horrible. I hope we can all find the strength to carry on.

Much love,

Sunshine x Moonlight